Monthly Archives: August 2018

theres some changes a brewing

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which is a good thing and a scary thing, but mostly good.

i cant wait to tell you about them, but i have always wanted to be such a different person than who i am.

i want to be the type of man who keeps everything secret. i watch Tony Soprano and he wont even tell his crew what he is up to.

when he gets on the phone he talks about “that thing of ours.” without revealing a damn clue.

im good with other people’s secrets, but for me im a huge blabbermouth.

why? am i looking for approval? do i want everyone to love me? i know hardly anyones gonna love me.

maybe because it’s front of mind. and when im on a project that i love i’m consumed by it.

well this next thing is gonna be an all encompassing bon fire of earthly delights, thats all i gotta say

and when it’s time to really get into great detail, trust me, you’ll be notified properly.

just know that what im fixin to do is risky, but if it ends up being what im planning on it being

it could be a literal life saver.

and thats what the xbi is alllllll about.

yesterday i was minding my own business when ping

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i got an uber select call over in the fairfax district as i was heading home. i was exhausted and just wanted to crawl take a quick shower, drink a pop and fall asleep watching The Sopranos with the first long legged <s>blonde</s> brunette who cared to join me.

But i hadn’t done much Ubering lately so i took the ride. how bad could it be? well when you think that they take you in the wrong direction. which in this case was good and bad because who doesn’t love Westwood.

the dude was on a date, he asked if i wouldnt mind stopping at Whole Foods for flowers, i said no problemo (because that almost always guarantees a tip). at first he was quiet back there, tapping away on his phone. i had Miles Davis playing so i didnt care. WHO CARES ANY MORE?

as we passed the Waldorf i asked him if he had been in there. he said no. i said if this date goes well maybe the next one should take place on the roof. then we started talking about Westwood and how cool it used to be. he is a native Los Angeleno and agreed. and we talked about this old theater and that one and all the cool places young people could go to there. he asked do you know where the Whole Foods is? i said, yea, that used to be a movie theater too! he was all, yes youre right!

got the flowers, got to the girl’s house, she comes waltzing out looking like a million bucks. mama mia. and then i took them to a nearby restaurant. and he tipped me $5, which is great. shoulda been $10 but whatevs.

before i got out of Westwood i got a new ping. two people on the south side of Wilshire. they were going to a Comedy show. we get talking, turns out the lady went to high school with my first california girlfriend so we talk about Malibu and Trancas and la la la la – it was a great trip. they too tip $5 so the total take home for 2 trips was like $70, which is better than i do all day on Birds, plus i dont have to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn.

still did anyways cuz of my ridiculous body clock but who cares the cubs won the world series in 2016. life has lost meaning.

 

bachelor bobs podcast fiesta

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if you asked me a year ago if i would ever have a live-in girlfriend again i woulda honestly told you no

i felt like i was too old, too weird, too stuck in my ways, and not handsome enough to nab the type of women i had been lucky enough to be with through my Past

but it just shows to go you that i am often wrong about things, particularly matters of the heart.

which makes me wonder what else i am wrong about. God? Politics? Gravity?

i dont mind being wrong because when i am wrong it means that things are nicer than i expected

not only did i think i would be bored as someones boyfriend at this age, but worse, i thought i would be boring to someone sweet.

i never want to bore someone, especially a sweet girl who cooks and cleans and wears freaky clothes for me.

people ask when i will ever quit this blog. my first answer is never because i hate quitters, but the truth is when it gets boring.

but this will never be boring.

i may have to get amber this necklace.

mama said knock you out

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one of the best experiences i ever had growing up was when i was like 10 or so.

i was at this all-boys summer camp outside of Washington DC at a place run by these Jesuit priests.

a lot of kids, like me, had families who could afford the camp where we learned a lot about sports, arts & crafts, and religion. but we also learned a lot of interpersonal skills because some of the boys were very poor and it was obvious that they were allowed in through scholarship.

which was fine by me because as someone who prided himself as an athlete, there’s nothing better than to be “set straight” by a poor black boy on the basketball court who could almost dunk at 11 years old.

besides being humbled, there are many lessons in losing. one is to watch how the winners handle themselves. it was here that i learned the oft misunderstood art of trash talking.

since i was light-skinned and, according to them, Rich, they called me every name in the book as they taunted me at half court, alternating their dribble from one hand, through their legs, to the other.

one particular little boy, no shirt, masking tape holding his shoes together, black socks, scars, fucked up teeth, alerted me that he was going to pass to his teammate, accept the pass back, fake to the right, drive to the left and lay it up with his left hand.

he passed it to his dude, who popped it right back at him, he held the ball over his head and flinched to the right, and because im dumb, i went for it, he dribbled left right past me and, as promised, laid it up with his left hand, which he kept up in the air as he trotted back down the court.

while some quit playing basketball that summer, i continued, because i loved their confidence, skill, and style. and to this day, when called out, i like to, in a way, call my shot right before i do it. i think it’s funny. i think it’s what separates Bird from Magic – and who doesnt wanna be Magic?

but what the critics don’t appreciate is in order to do it, the skill has to be there, because if you miss, now you are fodder for ridicule and blacktop talk is worse than any

tony, the reason some ppl disrespect you is cuz they think u just lucky

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ahhhh, the old “he can’t be good, he’s obviously just lucky” excuse.

interesting that all the kings horses and all the kings men

with all their slide rules and hired guns and prognosticators and studies

still can’t produce better results than me

still

it reminds me of the Chi Chi Rodriguez line.

Old Chi Chi was playing golf and he hit a hole in one.

as he was walking to retrieve his ball, a member from the press ran onto the green to walk with him.

“Chi Chi, how did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“You hit a hole-in-one, do you know how rare that is?”

“Well I was aiming at it, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, but would you consider what you just did… luck?”

“Amigo, I have noticed the more I practice, the luckier I get.”

I’m 51 and 7/8ths.

I’ve been practicing as long as some of my critics have been alive.

things im against

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lights at wrigley field

that huge video scoreboard at wrigley field

AIDS

men who try to tell women what to do with their bodies

people who drive slowly in the passing lane

buildings that have the AC blowing super cold and everyone has to wear jackets

mcdonalds breakfasts where a breakfast sandwich, hashbrowns and an OJ that costs $8

H&R Block

the Chicago White Sox

the MLB Hall of Fame

when people see that two lanes is turning into one but they speed up in the merging lane anyways

whoever the dude was who was using his table saw last night as i was saying my prayers

dudes who dont wash their hands after peeing

global warming deniers

fox news guests

kidnappers

i love the internet with all my heart

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in part because i was there when it began.

not began began, that was in the 60s in military bases and universities (one being UCSB) but i mean when it started to hit ACTUAL PEOPLE

for some reason God had put me in San Francisco and i knew people like MC Marc Brown who had some good computers and a decent modem and he showed me some of the first web pages. the year was 1994.

we were amazed. back then there were more Newsgroups than web pages, but they did the trick. we got news readers. we got as fast of internet connections as we could. we subscribed to Wired. we learned HTML.

here it is now nearly 25 years later and i still love the web as much as ever, in part because despite all the technological improvements, at it’s heart the web is still: pictures, text, and honest communication.

and if you cant be honest, be funny.

it’s good to know that you don’t need to learn Flash or CSS or 3D rendering or be the most beautiful girl in your town to reach a large amount of people.

and it has been a blessing to be able to get paid all these years while representing some of the coolest companies online.

however, my favorite place in the world is still this humble blog because here i can experiment with this and that and use what i learn in this tiny petrie dish and apply it in the places where i spend my 9 to 5. and for that i will always be grateful of this url.

my struggle comes in discussing my findings with others. mostly because i believe in science and others believe in things other than science. it’s algebra, actually. if the goal is to get X and you know you have to use A, then A + B = X

it’s sooooo simple. but the real world doesn’t work that way. regardless if you’re talking to girlfriends or parents or neighbors, often they don’t want to include B to A to produce X, they want to use C.

if you’re lucky C might magically work, but odds are it won’t, otherwise it wouldnt be called C, it would be called B.

B is the answer. i know it’s the answer. and part of me knows that they know B is the answer. but B makes people feel weird for some reason.

and here’s the part that makes me be sad:

i am often B.

you should always try

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be creative. be bold. be brave. be strong.

if you want a floating dining room, make a floating dining room.

if you want to make beautiful things that your giant audience will love: make those things.

if you want to express yourself — or better yet, express the feelings of others who have a hard time doing so: do so.

yes you will be stopped. yes people will get in your way.

life is a Super Mario Brothers game that would not be fun at all if there weren’t obstacles and hidden traps and crazy shit getting flown at you

no one is buying the video game A Walk in the Park

unless theres something scary up in the trees or behind the bench or in the lake.

we are here to overcome objections. we are here to lead by example. we are here to show the doubters that

of course this cool thing can be done.

build your floating dining room of love.

let the basics make the basic things, because at least they made something.

i was so sick last week

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and then i went to the urgent care and the dude told me to bend over and pull down my pants

and i was all, so this is what it’s come to?

and he gave me a shot into one cheek

and another in the other cheek

and he gave me a bunch of pills

and he said drink lots of water and pray to the Lord

and kiss that pretty girl i see on your blog

and i swear to you within an hour i could feel the Good fighting the Evil

and i was all, Work Bitch Work!

the night before i had coughed so much i began puking. i coughed so much one of my cats shut the bathroom door because i was disturbing her.

i was coughing so much my lungs were hurting and my throat was sore and i was running out of TP

but then after visiting the urgent care there i was healthy, feeling like Robert Plant on the balcony of the Riot Hyatt in ’73

i could eat again, sing again, dance again.

we are such fragile, sensitive, weird little sacks of miracles.

tiny doses of chemicals can alter us so much, just like how the meanest sneer can bum our days.

i never want to be the reason anyone feels down

except for those jackasses on twitter who are probably russian bots

i want to be the booty shot of love.

i wanna be your miracle drug.

think good thoughts.

birds are these electric scooters you ride for a buck

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it’s a santa monica start up who ironically is having a hard time in santa monica because

people pay a lot of money to live or do business there and bird

populated all over town, with no warning

and everyone loved it

but governments like to be in control of things, as do loud mouthed so called powerful people

and so now santa monica is saying that it will give priority to uber and lyft in regards to electric scooters, instead of to bird and it’s competitor lime

even though neither uber nor lyft has ever rented an electric scooter to anyone.

crazy ass santa monica.

anyways my brother told me he has had fun charging them over night

so i tried about a month ago but it wasn’t as fun where i live because the app that tells you where they are isn’t always accurate because, weirdly, people do some very sad things to these mighty machines, which makes the map unreliable as it claims a bird is on this corner when it may not have been there for a month or longer.

these people deface them, toss them, abuse them, sticker them, ive even seen a few with the electronics ripped out, – i assume to figure out how to use them for free – all things that screw up their tracking system.

they are vulnerable, sitting tall on the street all night, waiting, but unable to move.

the other hard part about the charging game is you have to have the birds back on the street during the window of 4am and 7am.

hours which are ungodly – but you can jet across one side of LA to the other at warp speed.

even the cops are like fuckit

but looking for scooters, finding them, taking them home, bringing them back to life and waking up early to drive them to their ‘nest’

is the weirdest version of Pokemon Go ive ever seen and 100 times harder because you strike out constantly.

and i cant wait to play again tomorrow.