even at the renegade xbi, we have to go through the tedious art of “reviews”

nce a year to determine promotions and raises and possible terminations.

and just like at many of my other places of employment, here they first want the employee to fill out a self-review, something that until this year, i have never had a problem with, but this year i want to rebel.

why should i give them ammunition to withhold any monies or rewards that i might have coming my way? what could someone do if i either didnt say a thing on my self-review or if i only said very very nice things about myself?

what would be the glory in being honest?

the guy who drove his airplane through a couple of powerlines today is going to have to fill out a self-review one day and do you think he’s gonna bring this matter up on his own?


first question they ask is Q. have you taken any additional training to better yourself in your position?

A. a hooker taught me how to discharge my weapon with my left hand, in case my right hand becomes injured or blown off.

Q. what areas do you need improvement in?

A. i would like to learn Spanish, i would like to be better at Persuasion, and i would like to learn how to cut a man’s eye out with a ball point pen, like Frankie can.

even though most of us are undercover, sometimes its good to have a reputation that preceeds you and Frankie doesnt need to be undercover any more, all he has to do is call a suspect up and tell him his name and tell him that he will be paying the gentleman a visit unless he does so-and-so and guess what, Frankie doesnt need to learn anything more about Persuasion thanks to his talent with the Bic.

Q. what would you like to see yourself doing in a year?

A. using my three-month Eurail pass with a former nba cheerleader.

Q. what improvements would you like to see at your workplace?

A. i have never liked companies who make a profit off their employees. cans of soda do not cost sixty cents. i know they got lowered to fifty-five cents, but a company should not be making a profit from snacks and the like of workers who are saving the company time and money by not walking across the street to the market and buying a generic soda for a quarter. i would like to see all snacks reduced to their cost. coffee is free, so should be the dr. pepper. or make it a quarter.

tell me i’m not easilly pleased.

people write me a lot of letters.

i dont know why because i have no solutions. but some of the stories are pretty funny sometimes, however some are sort of sad. the more i read the letters the more i think that either im living a life that no one else has ever lived, or maybe i am just misunderstanding everyone in the world.

this one girl writes me nearly every day and she has sent me some nice pictures of herself and if they really are pictures of her, i dont understand why her relationships always end up so bad, but she is very nervous about whoever she will end up with next. and i didnt tell her this next story because i didnt think shed believe it, but it’s true.

not too long ago i got a phone call from a girl who wanted to … well, it was a booty call.

as you know i have no automobile and this girl lives in malibu.

she was whispering all the right things into the phone and she was going through the list of ways that i could get a ride out there and she said what about sonny, could sonny drive you out there? and i said no. then she mentioned this ex-girlfriend of mine and i said, no. are you crazy? and then she mentioned this other ex-girlfriend of mine, she said, hang out with her for a little while and then borrow her car and tell her you’ll be back in an hour and a half. i said, that girl never lets anyone borrow her car.

then my call waiting clicked and it was one of the ex’s and i told her the ridiculous request being made and the ex said, theres a great store across the street from pepperdine that ive been wanting to go to, sure i’ll take you.

and people, she picked me up, dropped me off, went shopping and an hour later picked me up and then allowed me to take her to a nice greek dinner.

when i shared this story with my other ex, she was not only not surprised, but she said, “but we all know that she is the greatest chick in the world.”

and then she said, we should we only be dating people who would make great ex’s, and i asked, are you doing that? and she said, nah.

sad news, though, the malibu store was packed and the good samaratin did not get whatever it was that she was shopping for, but the dinner was spectacular, although a wee bit overpriced, even for colony prices.