kirsten says

don’t you get any bad notes or emails from people?

i say, yeah, i just delete them.

she says what about the bad things that people might say about you on other sites?

i say, theres two voices in your head at all times. theres the angel part of you that says, “you can do it. you’re so good. go for it.”

and theres the devil part that says, “you suck so bad you shouldnt even try.”

in my investigation of evil, i think that the purest evil is that little part of your brain that convinces us that we cannot accomplish our goals – as little or as big as they might get. and one way that we can stop that part from growing is to quit listening to the outside forces of negativity.

kirsten says, “so i shouldnt read any of the bad reviews that will come friday when my new movie opens?”

i say, “from losers who have made a career out of retelling plots and giving away the endings of movies? uh, no.”

kirsten says, “but what if they’re right?”

i say, “if they were so smart, they wouldnt be writing for the cleveland plain dealer or Good Morning America or whereever they get paid to comment on what Sam Raami did a year ago, they’d be making their own art. fuck the critics.”

kirsten says, “but you’re a critic.”

i say, “thats right, and when you turn 21 you will become eligible to fuck me. until then read Layne on write about the anniversary of the LA Riots.”

kirsten says, “why hasn’t he told people on his site that that story is up there on Fox?”

i say, “beats me, probably drunk. or trying to get drunk. or hungover from getting drunk last night.”

kirsten says, “maybe he hasnt been able to get Internet access like what happen to the Welches.”

i say, “naw, probably drunk and snoring right now. probably hiccuping inbetween snores. probably so damn stinking drunk if you lit a match over his mouth you could use his blow hole like a pilot light. probably so smashed…”

kirsten says, “i get the point.”

kirsten dunst turns 20 today

but all she can do is ask me about the anna kournikova nudes in penthouse.

“are they real?” kirsten asked this morning after i sang her happy birthday. kirsten is an early riser and likes to enjoy tea on her patio and read the entire paper.

“of course they’re real,” i said, “shes barely a b-cup, how could they be fake?”

“the photos!” she said, “god!”

“oh, those, i dont know, i havent seen them yet.”

“aren’t you at all curious?” kirsten asked.

“there are many things that im curious about, but naked 20 year olds are now off my list.” i said and then consider my statement and conclude that i am a fool. it’s too late to retract them.

“what was that?” she asked.

“i said, its a bummer about the kings losing last night. i thought they could pull it off.”

“‘The photographs are so dissimilar to Miss Kournikova that anyone who knows her, when they see the photos, will immediately know that the magazine did it on purpose to exploit her and make some additional money,'” Kirsten read to me. This apparently was a statement from the tennis star’s lawyer.

“I wouldnt know anything about exploiting Anna,” I said.

“But you know what she looks like naked, right?” kirsten asked.

“That girl’s clothes leave very little to the imagination, and if you ask me clothes are way sexier, most the time, than a girl topless on the beach with a latin singer with a mole, that i think i prefer the photos that she has posed for,” i said.

“yes but are these photos real?” demanded kirsten.

“probably. she was caught topless sunbathing last year with her cousin. it’s no big deal, why are you so hung up on it?” i asked the swedish actress who has recently broken up with her leading man.

“im just scared they might do that to me one day.” she said.

“it’s just boobies.” i said. “and if you’re smart you’d tell Penthouse where you’ll be sunbathing, tell them to write you a check for a cool million, let them click away and then you look like the victim and they look like theyve got something fantastical. but basically everyone wins, including the teen boys.”

“sometimes tony,” kirsten said, stirring her tea, “i really love your mind.”

“oh, why thank you,” i said.

“and sometimes, i think you’re just a sad little twisted perv.” and thats how i started my day.

Halfway around the world in Croatia, Anna won her opening round match against Julia Vakulenko, ranked 118th in the world, in three sets.

this is the first time that anna has made it past the first round in a tournament. her next opponent in the Croatian Bol Ladies Open is Tina Pisnik of Slovenia who won the tournament two years ago.

april was historic for this site surpassed 300,000 hits this month! i think thats a lot.

the baby on the right has a tshirt from the babyhell section of they have some of the most outrageous tshirts ive ever seen. i feel guilty liking some of the shirts, they are so distasteful.

and yet they are the only ad that i place on this site.

friends of mine continue to write me, despite the fact that i dont write back. one good friend today said that he had a little extra money and he would help flow the Snoop Fund if i allowed friends to donate, but since i dont, he’ll think of another way to help me get the sweet ride from Cadillac.

well, heres two ways you can help, friends. any time you want a disgusting tshirt as a gift or for yourself, click the baby. i get $4 a tshirt. pretty nice.

and, any time you want to buy something at click the book or cd or dvd on the left hand column of this blog first.

i think they give me 3% or something. if you can remember, fine, if not, thats okay, im doing well.

my man kurt from threw $5 into the Snoop Fund. Thanks, bro.

did everyone see nay’s new layout?

what about that thing on metafilter where they showed you what seats to ask for on planes for the most leg room?

the communication age, friends.

besides the newspaper, the web site will destroy the LA Times’s one too.

i forgot to tell you that at the party on friday the dude from eve 6 was there. it was a college kegger party and eve is there all tall and tattooed and his girlfriend is tall too and all i can recall is her hips were perfect for those new jeans and she wore them and they sat on the couch in front of the bigscreen, this was before one of the twins popped “Blondage 3” in the dvd.

what the LA Times needs to understand is that my kids will never have to deal with videocassettes. of all technology in my lifetime, i think that videotapes were the most loved. no one really talked about them, but for the most part, videos are reliable, reasonably priced, easy to use, easy to stack and store, and innocent of all sin.

and yet, the video tape will be replaced by a hard drive and the compact disc and/or dvd.

just like the Times will be replaced.

and if they survive, they will appear antiquated and lo-fi, charming and nostalgic.

old school and dignified.

but not good.