and already this day sucks. how does that happen?

woke up late. found out that i cant go to the angels/a’s game with my bro matt. didnt get to make my sandwich this morning for my lunchie.

these are the bummers in my life, not heartbreaking ones, but things that just fuck up the start of the week.

here we are going into the week of 9/11 and i gotta say that i dont want to see any specials, any memorials, anything. we have all been thinking about this shit all year. the terrorists win if we keep obsessing.

its like a guy getting called out in the first inning on an outside slider and letting it fuck up his whole game.

it was fucked up. it sucks. it’s over. if bush was a man he’d find the culprit. but hes an incompetent pussyass. so lets move on.

ashley and i saw my big fat greek wedding this weekend and i thought it was just ok.

seriously, what was the big deal about that movie?

it was cute. thats it.

why did the handsome perfect guy like the sweet 30 year old greek girl? simple question. she was way more funny in her narratives than she was in their dialogue. what would interest him in her? her family?

whatever. it wasnt a waste of money. the crowd seemed to like it. it reminded me of chicago. coulda been worse.

before the movie me and ashley went to poquito mas which is a burrito place on the sunset strip. we like to go there because drew barrymore has been spotted eating there.

so ashley was too shy to ask the lady who works there, so i said, “hey does drew barrymore really eat here?”

the lady said, “oh yeah.”

i said, “you know her right?”

she said, “yeah.”

i said, “when was the last time she was here?”

she said, “about an hour ago.”

ashley started to cry.

shes a sweet girl.

has a great tan.

for some reason she wants to hang out with me again.

so i guess im not so unlucky after all.

and the bears are starting where they left off. ruling.

super sweet come from behind win over the mighty vikes who are way better than you’d think, but it didnt matter. da bears caught em napping with help from my man marty booker, the a train and that monster of the midway defense.

im a dork when it comes to football.

ashley is putting gel in her hair calling her dad and now her roommate.

i dont know whats going on with her, you probably shouldnt even ask.

my satelite dish isnt working too well so i moved this huge palm tree thats in its way. my sexy neighbor just looked at where it one stood with disapproving eyes.

whatev.

soon im gonna have to ask the gay guy upstairs if i can get his roof access and put the dish up there.

this is what you get when you want to find out the truth about me. told ya, its not so sexy.

tonight im gonna take ashley back to poquito mas which is a burrito place that drew barrymore eats at all the time. then we’re gonna go see My Big Ass Greek Wedding cuz everyone likes it and i bet that it’ll be good.

had a great time yesterday at Greg and Molli’s baby shower.

normally im not a big fan of baby showers but all of our friends were there and our friends are way different than what you’d normally run in to at your typical baby shower.

there were three different types of pallello. is that how you spell it? no. im sure.

one was veggie, one was chicken, one was seafood.

then bassart made all this garlic shrimp. then there were meat and chese plates and lots of french bread. not to mention all the wine and beer and mexican wine, whatever that is, with the pulp in it.

all the girls looked great. we were all saying that we really are a clan of lost boys cuz none of us look our age. and all the girls looked super hot. then there was cake. then there were gifts then ken and matt sang a song about molli and greg that was sooooo funny you wouldnt even believe it. then greg sang a bluegrass song that was super funny. then molli and greg sang and it was sweet. then rick royale sang with jeanine. then matt. man, it was fun.

then kim lifted the hot tub cover and all the girls broke out the bikinis and there were like 5 hot chicks in the hot tub and they all had bikinis and none of the boys were going in there and the skies of hollywood were clear and the stars twinkled down upon us and chris drove me home stopping off at Zankau chicken and we watched a rerun of SNL and drifted off to sleep.

i can relate to him.

most the times when i go out with hot chicks i feel like a freak.

i feel like nothing that i wear looks cool.

i feel like my nose looks fucked up and my makeup is on wrong.

i feel like no matter what the girl is dressed like, shes always a hundred times hotter and more together than i ever will be.

i feel like im still putting out big hits and some of your favorite stuff is from me, but it’s not enough.

i feel like i could dance or sing better than anyone and people would just clap and say, so, thats what we expected. please bring on jimmy fallon now, hes cute. talentless, but cute.

one day michael jackson will get tired of this nonsense that gets heaped on him and either he will just go away like people say that they want him to do, or he’ll shoot himself, or he’ll just die.

or maybe he will come out with the best album ever.

again.

but odds are he’ll just shoot himself.

and no one will be surprised.

and then everyone will say they loved him

secretly

and the kids will all cry

and maybe some will feel embarrased

and the scumbags will dig up more dirty shit

like thats a hard thing to do

about any of us.

your pal,

elvis

and here i am typing to you back at the assignment desk. no long undercover. no longer being denied. no longer sad oh so sad and lonely. hi.

it was very hard to pull myself out of bed this morn and im even typing slow.

c a n y o u t e l l ?

i think ashley put something in my drink because in approximately an hour after she served me my fruit punch soda i was feeling a slight boost of euphoria followed by intense sensations on my skin, slight perspiration, and the desire to chew things and have things in my mouth. first i wanted to eat something, then i wanted to poop, then i wanted to take a shower, then i just wanted to walk.

walking was good.

holding her hand was really good. we walked over to the market and suddenly i was very very friendly. like way more than normal. i introduced ashley to the proprietor of the liquor store. his name is mangie. hi mangie, this is ashley. hi ashlely, i have seen your boyfriend here a lot.

i said, next time you see him, spit in his gatorade.

we all laughed.

mangie has a nice store next to a poker room where the fellas wear turbans and smoke out of big hookas. the women talk at a separate table.

he hired a local man who has missing teeth, a big tummy, and something wrong with his leg, but hes the security man although he has no uniform. he laughed at my joke even though i don’t think he got it.

then mangie’s landlord walked in. wasn’t satisfied with the rent check for that month.

“we changed banks.”

“what did you change banks for?”

“we didn’t like the other bank, but that check is good.”

“yeah, we’ll see about that.”

we picked up a few cans of whipped cream, bubble gum, diet cokes, and more water. i felt like i was in love. the air felt great. the weather last night around here was perfect. its been perfect for a while. at night.

got home, i just wanted to get out of my clothes. i had long black nylon sweat pants with a design running down the leg. i call them my ozzy pants. they would look better on ozzy though. i tried to explain this to ashley who was chewing on her sweet tarts. i guess we got sweet tarts at mangie’s too. sorry. she said i don’t really care for ozzy.

so i took off my shirt and put on bark at the moon and sang into a wooden spoon. she laughed. everyone was laughing last night. my neighbor has a dog. a big dog. we can have dogs in our apartments. the dog saw me jumping around pouring buckets of water on the crowd. hopping like a freaky toad and the dog started barking.

“rocky!” his owner yelled through her screen. “cut it out!”

rocky gave one more good bark and sat down but really wanted to come through my screen window. wagged his tail, readjusted. hyper. like he had to pee. but he didn’t have to pee. he wanted to eat my head off. not this time, rocky. ya fuck.

the roadies gave me a new bucket and i lunged at the window about to drench the poor beast. he flinched, but all that came out was confetti.

ashley and rocky both gasped.

fooled you again, mothafuckas. i said and broke into “fool in the rain,” led zep. started dancing around like an old man.

god were people laughing.

rocky just laid down and watched.

i think he was laughing a little too.

its all good.

when i fell asleep i was out immediately. too fast to even pray to the Lord and tell him thanks for all my blessings.

thanks for all my blessings, Lord.

and thanks to annessa for flowing $15 into the camera fund, and to greg b. for adding $5.

thanks kids!

Strangeways Here We Come

Sire Records

“Girfriend in a Coma”

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious,

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s really serious.

There were times when I could have murdered her,

But you know I would hate anything to happen to her,

No I don’t want to see her.

Do you really think she’ll pull through?

Do you really think she’ll pull through?

Doo hoo ohoo oo hoo

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious,

My, my, my, my, my, my baby, you’re mine.

There were times when I could have strangled her,

But you know I would hate anything to happen to her.

Would you please let me see her.

Do you really think she’ll pull through,

Do you really think she’ll pull through,

Doo hoo ohoo oo hoo

Let me whisper my last goodbyes, I know, it’s serious

hi tony, you big jerk.

do you love me anna?

no, not tonight i dont.

do you love enrique tonight?

yes, he’s my sweetie.

i thought i was your sweetie!

no youre my furry bear.

anna, what are you and martina doing losing to a spaniard and an argentinian in doubles at the us open?

those girls are good!

not really, blondie.

what are you doing losing your first softball game, tony?

i played like shit.

thats what i heard too.

i flew out with the bases loaded.

trying to hit a glam slam?

it’s grand slam, and yes, thats what i was trying to do.

trying to impress carlisa?

nothing i did today impressed carlisa, who played excellently tonight.

i hear you and ashley are back together?

i wouldnt go that far, we’re just agreeing to try to work things out.

do you want her as your girlfriend?

no.

so whats to work out?

i dont want you as my girlfriend either, but we still have things to work out, anna.

like what?

like how you keep flaunting this sick lust affair you have with enrique.

oh tony, quit being jealous. he and i are just friends.

i saw your little lap dance.

it was trick photography.

you never lap danced for me.

not true.

come back to me, anna.

no.

for old times sake.

nyet.

just for about twenty minutes.

ew. no!

marry me.

i hafta go to bed now.

but its so early.

i didnt say i had to go to sleep.

youre killing me, anna.

im sure you’ll forget all about this tomorrow night when your girl returns.

you know youre the only girl for me.

ha!

i swear.

your nose is growing.

ok, go attack that overpaid taquito.

i’ll call you soon.

bye anna spazamma.

bye tony balongna.

“undisputed.”

since i know that a lot of hollywood producers and writers and actors read my blog i have some tips for you all.

first, quit making boxing movies.

pro boxing is barely interesting as it is and you have very little chance now, post-Rocky III to make a decent movie about this “sport”.

in order to try to make things slightly different, “undisputed” tries to make it about boxing in prison with a mike tyson-ish pro boxer serving some time (played decently by Ving Rhemes) in a state prison who challenges long time convict (snipes) who has been in the pokey ten years and hasn’t lost a fight… yet.

now the only way that you can write this decently is to have both fighters respect each other, a little. Ving’s character is undefeated outside of the jail, Snipes is undefeated inside. they should respect each other. then they should hate each other for some reason. Snipes because Ving is the man he could have been if he hadn’t done whatever fucked up shit he did, and Ving should hate Snipes because … oh, i don’t know, lets say because he is a far more spiritual and centered individual despite the fact that he has a

ball and chain around his leg. but what would be better is, if Snipes wasn’t played by Snipes at all, but by a white guy. let Ving hate him because he’s strong, proud, formerly rich, and white. white white too, like Ed Norton.

undisputed doesn’t have any of this tension cuz it sucks shit.

then what you have to do is make them learn something from each other. the Snipes character can learn that he is, lets say, a teacher that he never thought he could ever be. he can teach the Ving character that life ain’t solely about the bitches and money, but finer things like inner peace and being a good man. he can also teach him some sweet jailhouse jackmoves that Ving can use when he tries to regain his title once his time has been served.

Ving can teach Wesley about celebrity being a prison. about how a black man isn’t respected any more outside the prison than inside. in many ways Snipes is more respected inside the jail than the Tyson-type is treated outside the jail.

and then of course you need to have them brawl and kill each other.

as in dead.

as in fucking romeo and juliet i cannot believe they both broke each others necks in the double psyche-out battle that ends in a double brain damage blood spurting oh my god oh my god someone get a doctor, Ed Lover made a great play by play guy in “undisputed” and his comedic sensibilities would have contrasted perfectly with how he could have narrated the mayhem when

these two fine athletes and men ended up doing to each other what the brutal sport does to all participants: destroys them, spits them out, and cleans the canvas for the next two suckers.

instead “undisputed” gives us flat characters, absolutely no blood, no sex, and very little violence.

big fat rotten terrible fakeout movie directed by someone who has made some damn fine movies in the past but here phones in his little film and sends the crowd home unsatisfied and wanting to break some asshole’s nose.

i am either several miles under the city, flying high again like randy rhodes above this fair metropolis, or out on the sea like mariah carey in that one video.

all i know is im bummed that i cant really write you very much today, just know that i’m not like those other bloggers who will leave you hanging day after day week after week.

watched american idol last night, so happy i didn’t bum rush the kodak theatre. did that show peak too early or what? sucked. i hope they both lose.

reminded me of this time that i stole $5 from my moms purse as she was gardening so i could run back to the arcade to satisfy my Space Invaders habit.

back then Space Invaders was the shit. the only thing. we were marveled by it. in a trance because of it. we tried to calculate how much money it was making for the arcade and therefore how much we would have to pool together so as to purchase one and put it in our basement and charge the children.

after i gorged i felt terrible and i asked my mom if there was something i could do to help her garden.

whatever she said i didn’t do, i just felt bad. too bad to help. sick of space invaders, sick of being a kid, sick of the summer, sick of being me.

one thing i love about being this deep undercover is i am not me right now.

im super dooper agent 8121.

im a specialist. i deal with sound waves as weapons. first i hit them with the low tones. so low they cant hear them, only feel them. after a while it rings totally wrong with the inner ear and makes the sickly puke.

then right before we go in i blast the high tones. they cant stand it and they go for the exits and open the doors and hi, we’re right there waiting for them.

fuckbrains.

problem is these characters are spread out and they keep moving and our inside men aren’t communicating with us and its making us nervous. either they’re dead, or tied up or switched sides is what most people think. i just think they cant reach us. i always think positively.

and right now i positively have to pee.

i love you all.

agent la vista signing off.

peeeeeeoooooooop.

and i like to oblige requests

1. born in washington dc

2. all Black

3. virgin till 21

4. first concert: jackson 5

5. second concert: ac/dc “back in black” tour

6. first car: cadillac sedan deville

7. tv always is on

8. c student

9. moved to california the day after hs graduation

10. very comfortable with public speaking

11. ghost stories at night terrify me

12. plays the lotto at least once a week

13. favorite tv station is E!

14. letterman over leno

15. conan over kilborn

16. tsar is my favorite band

17. been to europe three times

18. likes to eat liver

19. doesnt like to eat onions

20. once kissed 7 girls one night

21. telephone number starts out 666

22. favorite book is the Bible

23. always capitalizes God

24. always capitalizes Black

25. watches howard stern an hour a day

26. listens to howard stern an hour a day

27. doesnt really know mariah

28. award winning arts editor

29. award winning bass drummer

30. drinks a two liter of soda a day

31. wants not to belive in astrology but does

32. hates to dance

33. homebody

34. only saw nirvana play live once

35. favorite beer: sam adams

36. can eat chicken every day

37. falls asleep within minutes of going to bed

38. had the best sex of his life this year

39. has to write several times a day

40. loves christmas lights more than Christmas

41. cheap as hell

42. would never own a gun

43. subscribes to: playboy, jane, the onion, transworld skateboarding, us weekly and details.

44. likes rocky road icecream the best

45. likes pepperoni and sausage on pizza

46. once made a lot of money, doesnt any more, lives pretty much the same

47. has about 7,000 baseball cards

48. has about 150 video tapes

49. 20 friends live within 5 miles

50. lives next door to the largest church in hollywood

51. ok about being better than 85% of paid columnists

52. once jammed with rivers

53. met sonic youth backstage twice

54. interviewed kim deal in 1990

55. interviewed frank black in 1991

56. failed first driving test

57. kicked out of third grade for three days for throwing a snowball and hitting david richardson

58. david richardson and his brother mike ended up being pro soccer players

59. other favorite books: bukowski, notes of a dirty old man; jeff noon, vurt; lynda barry, cruddy

60. doesnt believe in luck, destiny, or karma

61. drinks whole milk in cereal

62. loves Big Brother, Survivor, the Osbournes, and the Anna Nicole Show

63. if i was a billionaire i would buy the chicago cubs

64. been to dodger stadium more than wrigley field 🙁

65. thinks oj didnt do it

66. calls mom every sunday

67. thinks george bush is a total loser

68. thinks bush should go to afghanistan to find osama

69. hates to know anything about a movie before going

70. loves chinese food and thai

71. has a maid

72. has never had a bad blind date

73. doesnt have a working dvd player

74. cant believe the money i’ve made off this blog

75. good cook

76. wants lots of kids

77. got isaac hayes to sign a baseball

78. has been to nearly every mall in california

79. loves twain, heminway, williams, and vonnegut

80. loves hot tubs

81. wants to go to Heaven

82. can function on 3-4 hours sleep very well

83. walter payton stopped his jeep to sign an autograph for me

84. isnt a very good handyman

85. hasnt had cable in 6 years

86. loves sexual tension

87. doesnt love fake boobs

88. favorite guitarist: angus young

89. needs meat with every meal

90. drinks oj or apple juice each morning

91. wishes everyone had a blog

92. loves pro football

93. prays every night

94. terrible memory

95. doesnt get jealous

96. likes to dive into work

97. loves people as in Loves

98. has very clean hands

99. thinks pete rose should be in the hall of fame

100. still loves The Simpsons