you know who i love?

i love raymi. let me tell you why.

raymi does everything that she knows that i like.

she dresses in lots of different hot outfits, she runs around naked. she smokes. she sings karaoke. she goes to baseball games. she hangs out with assholes. she makes her own money. she writes and writes. she loves sex and talking about sex. she loves lesbo love. she loves writing about loving lesbo love. and she loves me.

but most importantly, she sends me pictures of herself.

do you know how much i love pictures?


of all the blogs and web sites in the world, how many have as many pictures as this one?

one reason might be because people have the belief that we are all still using 33.6 modems and people wont wait for the pics to load and in their desperation to get as many eyeballs as humanly possible, they dont use pictures, or they dont bother with pictures, or they dont know where to get them, etc. etc. etc.

but most of you have fast connections, or you believe that it is worth it to wait for my pics.

and the porn industry has proven years ago that you will wait for pics regardless of your connection speed.

which is why i love raymi. she understands all of this and shows me her pictures via her web page and the boys send her money and she uses that money to fly here and make gorgeous canadian love to me.

and i am thankful.

raymi is only 19 and most young girls seem to think that if you give a man what he wants either he wont respect you or he’ll get bored or he’ll turn on you or he’ll call you a slut or all these varieties of negative things. and that might be the case for some fellas. but for others, if you give them what they want, they’ll give you everything.

everything, ladies.

and i know shes busy. shes working on her masters, shes in a womens bowling league. shes demonstrating in the park to help legalize baseball. but pretty much every day she’ll wake up, put the camera under her skirt and click a pic for your pal and email it off just to let me know that she still loves me.

and people, that means a lot to a dumbass like me. it means tons, actually.

i get emails from all sorts of people for all sorts of things. but the thing that rings my bell like no other is a little digital love from a cute little topless foreigner who truly doesnt give a fuck. a nibble from the north. something to get my juices going.

some girls worry that their tits arent that big or that they dont wear the right clothes or that they dont live in the right part of town. learn from raymi, gals. all that matters is your attitude, all that matters is you know what button to push.

in this case its the top one.

the one that makes the lens open for a split second.

the one that says tony i heart you.

this is me.

look at me.

want me.

have me.


take me.

do me.

love me.

lust me.




raymi is the shit

i have the greatest readers

Sent: Thursday, December 05, 2002 2:19 PM


Subject: Content Feedback

To whom it may concern:

I was shocked and dismayed to view the Michael Jackson “Photo Essay” slideshow on your site:

I’m not sure if this is a public domain because I couldn’t navigate to it in the usual way, but a friend sent it to me. I put “Photo Essay” into quotes because this technique was actually stolen from a great web author who has been using this technique for awhile now and from what I know about the Internet – he originated the style.

Not to mention there was no discussion of the content being displayed and the pictures were overused Michael Jackson photos that one could find anywhere and that have been viewed a million times over. Don’t even get me started on the horrid design. Or LACK of design.

If you have any integrity you will at least credit the author who has been using this style for a long time now. Or hey, better yet, contact him to create a masterpiece for you.

Here is a sample of his work:

And here is a particularly brilliant one:


Mariah Carey

4. brett lamb

Paul Hardcastle

Cover to Cover: A Musical Autobiography

Push Records



In 1965 Vietnam seemed like just another foreign war,

But it wasn’t.

It was different in many ways, as so were tose that did the fighting.

In World War II the average age of the combat soldier was 26…

In Vietnam he was 19.

In inininininin Vietnam he was 19.

(TV announcer’s voice)

The shooting and fighting of the past two weeks continued today

25 miles west of Saigon

(Vet’s Voice)

I really wasn’t sure what was going on

Nininini Nineteen, 19, Ni-nineteen 19


In Vietnam the combat soldier typicaly served a twelve month tour of duty but

Was exposed to hostile fire almost everyday

Ninininininininininin 19 nininininninin 19

Hundreds of Thousands of men who saw heavy combat in Vietnam were arrested

Since discharge

Their arrest rate is almost twice that of non-veterans of the same age.

There are no accurate figures of how many of these men have been incarcerated.

But, a Veterans Administration study concludes that the greater of Vets

Exposure to combat could more likely affect his chances of being arrested or


This is one legacy of the Vietnam War

(Singing Girls)

All those who remember the war

They won’t forget what they’ve seen..

Destruction of men in their prime

whose average was 19



War, War

Dededede-Destruction, wa-wa-War, wa-War, War


War, War

After World War II the Men came home together on troop ships, but the Vietnam

Vet often arrived home within 48 hours of jungle combat

Perhaps the most dramatic difference between World War II and VietNam was

Coming home.. .none of them received a hero’s welcome

None of them received a heroes welcome, none of them, none of them

Nenene Nenene None of them, none of them, none of them

None of them received a hero’s welcome

None of them received a hero’s welcome

According to a Veteran’s Administration study

Half of the Vietnam combat veterans suffered from what Psychiatrists call


Many vets complain of alienation, rage, or guilt

Some succumb to suicidal thoughts

Eight to Ten years after coming home almost eight-hundred-thousand men are

Still fighting the VietNam War

(Singing Girls)


Nininininininininin Nineteen, 19, Ni-nineteen 19


Nininininininininin Nineteen, 19, Ni-nineteen 19


(Soldiers Voice)

When we came back it was different.. Everybody wants to know “How’d it

Happenned to those guys over there

There’s gotta be something wrong somewhere

We did what we had to do

There’s gotta be something wrong somewhere

People wanted us to be ashamed of what it made us

Dad had no idea what he went to fight and he is now

All we want to do is come home

All we want to do is come home

What did we do it for

All we want to do is come home

Was it worth it?

utter wonder

christina aguilera was in town to film some vh-1 thing

at the olympic auditorium in downtown LA.

when i got home from the movies i got in a little fight with ashley. around two a.m. the phone rang and i thought it was her, so i said “what!” and it was christina.

wanna try that again?

oh its you. baby.

thats better.

whats going on my little dirrty girl?

just drunk, half naked, tired, sore, thinking of you.

aw, sweetie.

i was thinking that i dont know what you want for christmas and you know how things go, i should find that out now and get it to you before i forget.


i really wanna pull an affleck and buy your momma a car, but then i realized that you dont have a car.

buy my momma one, im good.

you dont have to tell me your good. seriously, what can i get you?

you know what i really want christina aguilera, i want to see if i can get 100 new links before christmas.

you dont want to have sex with me?


our sex wasnt good?

of course it was. but i think ive had the best sex i’ll ever have and so i’m not so concerned about that any more.

so you want what again?

links. i want 100 people who have never linked me to link me before christmas.

how many new links do you normally get a month.


wow. im not sure that will be do-able.

one thing you’ve taught me, my lil mousekateer is that anything is do-able.

good point.

what do you want for christmas, christina.

you to be my boyfriend.

ok, i’ll tell you what, if i get 100 new links by christmas then i’ll be your boyfriend.


yes, i promise.

and you’ll forget about all these other hos?

well i cant promise that i’ll forget about them, but i will be your man.

and you wont write about mariah?

if thats whats gonna make you happy.

ok, it’s on. how many new links have you gotten so far, tony?


1. trueboy

2. insignificance

3. gabe anderson

hi anna, nice dress.

this is the dress i would like to elope with you in.

people dress up to elope?

sure, all the time.

do i hafta get dressed up too?

it’s our elopement, i’d hope you wouldnt wear that gwar shirt.

actually anna, i would like a big huge fairytale wedding. i have a lot of friends.

i know, but weddings are a hassle. trust me. you dont want to be in the middle of it all.

you really want to marry me?


where would you want to elope?


you know why i love you, anna?

why sweetie?

when you say vegas, you dont say “vegas, baby.”

why would i say that?

marry me, baby.


where shall we honeymoon?

doesnt matter. im not letting you leave the room.

can we order room service?

all day, all night.



so why do i need to dress up.

gotta give the ‘ratzi some good photo love.

always thinking, sweet angel.


me and karisa drove over to the mann’s chinese six

to see the adam sandler animated Hanukkah musical “8 Crazy Nights”.

we were a little nervous because the reviews were all “Longest 71 minutes of your life, or “…forgettable, soggy and dumb..” or “…a dark, vulgar, brooding turnoff of a movie.”

i’d have a witty review for you but we walked out before the first crazy night.

after ten minutes i was thinking “can you really walk out of a movie after just ten minutes?”

then karisa groaned and we couldn’t look at each other and then after three more bad jokes and the second super long belch for no good reason, we got off our asses and left.

the mann’s chinese six is the new cinema behind the famous mann’s chinese attached to the hollywood + highland complex. its big, beautiful, awesome sound, stadium seating, etc.

we walked into the lobby and told the usher how bad the movie was, he offered to give us our money back, but we had two big bags of popcorn, drinks, so we asked him when was the next movie starting?

he pointed to “They.” but the other usher, a funny black dude, shook his head and looked down.

my brotha.

karisa asked, “have you seen harry potter?”

i said, “i haven’t even seen the first one.”

she said, “me neither, but ive read the books.”

and we walked to the theatre and she filled me in on what happened in the first book.

there it hit me, karisa is a fox!

so all i remembered of the back story is: harry is a wizard.

being 109 years old has its advantages. i know a bunch of good jokes, i can see into the future, i can bring absolute pleasure to a woman, i don’t get jealous, ive seen it all, all of my dreams have been fulfilled.

but being 109 also has its disadvantages. the worst being that if you have a few drinks with me, and maybe a smoke out in the parking lot, after a big Sprite and a huge buttered popcorn, odds are no matter what’s on the screen, i will fall asleep. especially if the movie is starting at 10:30pm.

harry potter is 2 hours long. i think i managed not to sleep for 25 minutes of it.

anyways karisa is the best. after she dropped me off she wrote me an email letting me know that my local nbc tv station is “biting” my photo essay style with a really bad photo essay about the ever changing look of michael jackson

dear nbc tv, how do you make a bad photo essay about the ever changing look of michael jackson?

isn’t that like the easiest thing you could ever photo essay?

ok, heres how you make it bad:

– use Times Roman typeface

– have too much unindented text

– have text that’s not funny or sarcastic or interesting

– have crappy little pictures that everyone has seen

– steal from me, but forget to steal the good parts of me

my advice, hire me. if you can use AP pictures i could be the staff photo essayist and instantly bring you tons of hits and together we can start a brand new thing on the web.

p.s. i’d work from home, i’d work cheap, and i could completely beat the ass of whoever it was who made that silly lil thing.