theres whispers among the tabloids that winona has a drug problem

they said that even though the prosecution threw out the drug charges, it doesnt matter, winona is a junkie.

and now that the judge took away her drivers license, i have finally found my dream job. i would do anything to be her driver.

please hire me, baby.


im an excellent driver. i drive the speed limit. i suppose i could drive faster, but i prefer driving slower. i

would drive you anywhere you wanted winona.

would i try to get you off drugs? i dont think a driver has that sort of power. as long as i can remember i have had the tv on and a coca-cola nearby, wanna talk about addictions? theres two.

they also say that libras are not happy unless theyre in love.

is love an addiction to some?

probably everyone.

some have it worse than others. me. i have it pretty bad.

one way to ignore it is a job thats worthwhile and exciting.

i cant think of anything more exciting than being winona ryder’s personal driver.


winona. i used to work in hr, ok? i had access to people’s social security numbers, ok? dont worry your pretty head about anything. you wanna go to deep? sit back and relax, we’re gonna go to deep. the forty-duce? coming right up.

no no no. i’ll wait in the car.

ive got a little writing to catch up on.


Christmas with the Devil


The elves are dressed in leather

And the angels are in chains

Christmas with the Devil

The sugar plums are rancid

And the stockings are in flames

Christmas with the Devil

There’s a demon in my belly

And a gremlin in my brain

There’s someone up the chimney hole

And Satan is his name

The rats ate all the presents

And the reindeer ran away

Christmas with the Devil

There’ll be no Father Christmas

‘Cause it’s Evil’s holiday

Christmas with the Devil

No bells in Hell

No snow below-

Silent Night, Violent Night

So come all ye unfaithful

Don’t be left out in the cold

You don’t need no invitation, no…

Your ticket is your soul


hi christina

hi sweetie, how are you feeling?

i miss you.

i miss you too. you have no idea how difficult it is posing for pictures and listening to all these stupid dirty old men run their mouths.

i think i can imagine.

ive been sending you signals in my pictures, honey bunny.

what sort of signals?

little things that i do with my hands to tell you that i miss you and i cant wait for you to defile me once again.

what sorta things are you doing with your hands?

just wait. you’ll see.

you’re too much. hows the record doing?

Stripped is #10.

#10? what the fuck is up with that?

at christmastime, sweetie, youre just lucky to be on the charts. trust me, im happy as hell.

i cant believe it. who’s above you?


no really. i mean, thats nice. but seriously.

ok, right above me is avril lavigne.

that little chick? i heard a totally differnet song on the radio the other day. not skaterboy, not the first one…

yeah, shes got a third one out. shes moving units. above her is Paul McCartney, a live record from his tour of the USA.

i thought live records didnt sell.

typically. but the boomers who couldnt afford the $100 seats are shelling out the cash to hear him sing fucking Hey Jude, i guess.

im so happy im not a boomer.

totally. then above him is Faith Hill.

Biggie’s girl?

no, the country singer. the blonde. shes real pretty. married to tim mcgraw.

oh yeah yeah yeah. ok. i can see that.

then j.lo.

shit. raymi and i were chatting for a breif second and she said she liked that song.

i want to get on raymi so bad.

get in line.

i mean really. im so into that chick.

i dont think she likes you.

oh she will. just wait. then 2 Pac is #5

2 Pac! isnt he dead? is it like a greatest hits or something?

no, tony, it’s new material. and it’s a double cd!

2 Pac isnt dead.

seriously. above him is Now That’s What I Call Music #11.

what the hell is that?

compilation of hits from this year. Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” Dirty Vegas, Jennifer Love Hewitt, No Doubt’s “Underneath it All,” Shakira, Kylie, janet, Norah Jones, Coldplay, Creed. Dixie Chicks doing “Landslide.”

sounds completely awful.

it’s #4, bitch.

how can that possibly be in this time of Grokster, Kazaa, Morpehous, etc?

the RIAA is full of shit. it was #2 last week.

why dont people just download it all?

some people have lives. other people feel like cheap skates. some are just lazy. and then of course there are those who think that stealing music is immoral.

whatever, hoochie.

#3 is the 8 mile soundtrack.

again, wouldnt you think that the demographic who would buy that would download it?

i’m only going to say this one more time, the RIAA is full of shit. aint nobody losing money because of Napster. the kids will buy whatever they want to buy. And they will download it. And they will make copies for their friends, but they will still buy it. Hillary Rosen is so full if it, its ridiculous.

so what’s number one?

we’re not there hun. #2 is Tim McGraw and #1 is Shania Twain.

country is topping the charts?

looks like it.

no wonder the republicans are taking over. wheres snoop dogg?

this is his first week on the charts with his new cd. it’s #12.

what about justin???

that fool? he’s down to #19 after 4 weeks. he better get back with britanny or back with n*sync.

i love you christina agueliera.

then learn how to spell my damn name right!

13. chinpokomon


“where’s tony?”

‘he’s in the back getting a spritz.’

“you can get a spritz in the back of pizzaland?”

‘you can if youre tony.’

“hey why are you speaking in single quotes?”

‘never mind, let me talk to tony.’

“tony, ladies, sorry to disturb you.”

better be important.

‘theres a disturbance on the blog.’

fuck the blog.

‘the blog’s a big earner.’

“remember aruba?”

whats going on?

‘ward entertainment feels shunned.’

fuck ward entertainment. wait, who’s ward entertainment?

‘two kids with a blog.’

ok, fuck ward entertainment.

‘they’re the ones who call you the blogfather.’

im not the blogfather.

“oh wait, you mean those two little shits who put a stinky poo next to tony’s name?”

they put turds next to my name?

‘it’s their way of honoring you, tony.’

what sort of fucked up thing is that?

‘they’re saying that youre “the shit.”‘

fucking a.

“they call that respect?”

‘they’re kids. whattya gonna do?’

what do they want?

‘they want a link.’

how much is that?


give em a fucking link.

‘also, sarah’s upset.’

fuck sarah. wait, who’s sarah?

‘that chick you like. she’s still upset by what michael jackson said.’

didnt you break his legs like i told you to?

‘it got fucked up and we only were able to break a foot.’

a foot? what the fuck? michael jackson beat your ass or some shit? you need me to show you how to break a couplea legs?

‘michael’s a fast freak. he’s got moves.’

“word is he moonwalked right through you.”

‘he spun, threw his hat. he’s quicker than you think.’

fucking michael jackson. you’re all giving me agita.

‘my recommendation is we do something special for sarah.’

a couple g’s, flowers, what?

‘shes uptight about her finals. let’s send some people up to michigan state and make sure she gets some good grades.’

we know people at michigan state?

“magic johnson.”

he went there?

“yeah, and he’s very grateful for all the laker love you give.”

ok, is that it? i feel like i havent given these ladies the proper attention.

‘theres a bunch of knuckleheads commenting on the blog.’

wack em.

‘all of them?’

any motherfucker who comes into my place and starts talking shit is begging to get wacked.

‘see thats the thing, tone, maybe they’re acting up so you give them attention. and you’ll drive traffic to their site.’

fellas. cant you see these girls are doing their best to relax me? and furthermore, dont you know how hard it is for the good people of pizzaland to turn their storage area into a sauna? take care of the blog. if it’s an earner, then dont get in the way of the earning. if it’s more of a headache, get rid of it. now where are my van goghs?

“we gave them to kinkos so that they’d print the busblog book.”

about fucking time.

“we’re gonna steal em back once the books are mailed out.”


“then we were thinking about returning them to the van gogh museum, compliments of the busblog.”

‘what for?’

we have a very good relationship with the dutch. i want to keep it that way. anything else? i think the redhead’s getting lockjaw.

just getting warmed up, tony

kitty bukkake got interviewed in the sunday boston globe yesterday.’

send her some flowers.

“actually, you promised that you’d review her book for blogcritcs.”

shit, i’ll get on that. i still havent finished it.

“no disrespect, tony, but it’s only 12 pages.”

im a very slow reader.

‘thats it, tony. thank you for your time.’

fine fine. why dont you stay for a minute. you, shut the door behind you as you leave.

‘yeah, tone?’

wack that guy on the way out. put him in a calzone and send it to the next motherfucker who talks shit.

‘got it.’

9. colby cosh

10. ward entertainment

11. raymi and laura

12. quit that

sexy sarah