you know im a dork, right?

well, i am.

not only do i not talk to the hot chicks on the bus, even though getting a date at the busstop has got to be one badass achievement, but i play fantasy sports.

i play lots of fantasy sports.

right now i am playing in 11 fantasy baseball leagues. yesterday it had been cut to 10.

apparently the commissioner of the league didn’t want anyone challenging his rule. he posted these remarks in the messageboard and then quoted Duke Nukem and told everyone that it was his way or his way and then called us all fags and whiners if we didn’t like it.

naturally i had a difficult time ignoring the opportunity to throw my two cents into the mix.

but when he vetoed my Greg Maddux and Alex Gonzales for Jeff Suppan and Rafeal Furcal trade (where I would be getting the future Hall of Famer) i had to say my peace.

i was immediately rebuffed.

then someone else agreed with me, and he, too, was put into his place. we were both accused of being homosexual, and then promptly locked out of making any moves and we couldn’t post our statements any longer.

after a full two minutes of research i found the commissioner’s home email address. then i found his work email address. then i found his work web page. then i found his work phone number.

i thought about calling his work pretending to be an auto dealer to verify his employment. i imagined that they would say that yes, he works there. then i was going to say, and does he reside at 1122 Boogie Woogie Ave? to which they would probably say, no, he lives at … and then i would have his home address.

i didn’t go that far. im a writer, and an xbi agent. im no stalker.

so i wrote him a little email that started off with dear fuck for brains.

i asked him what sort of nazi locks people out for exercising their freedom of speech.

then i told him what sort of nazi locks people out for speaking their minds.

then i went into some graphic detail about his mother and the things that make her different than most women.

saddest thing in the world is my best writing comes when im super pissed off.

and just as sad is it usually is wasted on emails to people who quote duke nukem.

so i concluded my email by telling him that as soon as he was finished licking his moms hair nutsack that he should consider unlocking me and whoever else that he locked out of the league unless he was the pussyass bitch that i was betting he was.

this morning i was unlocked from the leauge and he told everyone that he was no longer playing.

sweet victory, im warmed in your glory.

cannes 2003 line-up + earth-info + folded space

clipper girl knocked on my window last night in the wee hours

i thought it was a dream so i rolled over. she said no no no. open the door.

she had lost her key. but i was still asleep and hearing her voice made me excited so i reached down and kicked off the covers.

she tapped on the window a little more and called out my name. that only got me more happy and i worked on it.

this only made the cute clippergirl giggle and she just stood there and watched for a minute and finally started banging on the window which startled me and woke me up.

tony, she said.

i looked around and said what to no one in particular.

let me in.

i looked over to the window, saw a face where no face usually is and it made me shriek like a girl.

hi-e she waved.

i let her in.

why do i let these people in?

she came inside my apartment and told me that she wanted to watch tv with me because she had had a nightmare and couldn’t sleep.

i reminded her that it was 3am.

she said please please just for a few minutes.

so i put a log on the fireplace, made her some hot chocolate and we cuddled in blankets on my couch and watched cartoon network.

what do you want to be when you grow up, she asked me as i sat there with my head on her shoulder.

not so dumb.

no really, what would you like to be.

loved by hundreds.

you cant even be serious for a minute can you.

she gets mad easily. oh well. she was nervous for her bffs who cheer for the kings.

the cocoa made me burn my tongue.

it always does.

when i grow up, clipper girl, i want to be as happy as i am right now.

and with that she turned off the tv

and we passed out like monkeys on my third hand leather couch.

splink + mallory + j_e_g