could today be any more beautiful?

more glorious? more sunshiny, warmy, springtimey, luscious, delicious, mouth wateringly wonderful?

it’s the cubs home opener, too.

why aren’t you here?

if you were here id ask for the boss to let me off early, like at noon, and he’d say, tony, because you’re the fucking man, sure. and then put a $20 into my front shirt pocket and shake my hand.

if you were here we’d take the 720 to santa monica beach and squirt water into the clowns mouth at the pier.

and then let the clown chase us cuz i do that shit to him every day off.

if you were here we’d rent mountain bikes and coast down venice boardwalk taking a swig out of our flasks every time we passed someone we’d do. then we’d eat buck hot dogs and watch the elderly play paddle tennis.

if you were here we’d then go to muscle beach and watch the gay guys flex for the tourists, and the brothas slam for the sistas. we’d try on sunglasses and buy tube socks from the chinese. we’d buy bootleg dvds of chicago for ten bucks, but we’d talk them down to seven pretending we weren’t american.

if you were here we’d eat fish tacos from a roach coach where the mexicans crouch in the shadows of an old brick building the way that they do. i’d put on too much hot sauce for you and you’d scrunch your face after you tasted it, but id say it puts hair on my chest and id lift my acdc shirt and you’d lift your tsar baby doll tee and the mexicans would fall over spooking the seagulls who flap away to the safety of a busstop.

if you were here we’d get two forties of mickeys, take off our shoes, and walk in the sand to the nude beach and pass out after the rasta dude passes us and we laugh and laugh off the contact high and then bake in the california sun.

if you were here we’d wake up burnt and drink the rest of our warm beer cuz you call it alcohol abuse if you waste any.

if you were here you’d get a henna tattoo that said tony in such crazy cursive you have to stare at it for like ten minutes

which is always your secret plan.

and then we’d start a band.

dirty fez + roxy cat + splink + dullest blog ever

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