click here to see their appearence

special thanks to betsy and jason

dont get your hopes up, but let me tell you the story.

theres good news and bad news to having fans. the good news is obvious: free pussy, buckets of money, daily praise and admiration, job offers up the ying yang.

bad news is people want you to do things. like write books. like read their blog posts. like give you advice. like bang their virgin sisters. like be their best friend.

dont think im complaining. the good stuff totally outweighs the bad stuff. and the bad stuff really isnt all that bad.

unless it involves me going back and re-reading my old shit.

i dont know what it is, but i have a Very hard time reading through my archives.

all i see when i go through there are mistakes. things i could have said different. words that came out awkward. embarrassing spelling and grammar mistakes.

sometimes i will laugh at a joke that i forgot about, but mostly i look at my past the same way that danielle looks at her present: with disgust.

she looks in the mirror and sees a fat chick.

i look in my archives and i see a hack blogger. not even a writer. a typer.

but i have fans like chad from chokey chicken who gave me $4 via paypal yesterday. who is on my ass to come out with a new book of old blog posts and i wish you people understood that i really hate going back in time.

which might explain why i can be so prolific in the present.

so over the last two weeks ive been going through the archives. i knew that i wanted to have something done by Veterans Day so i could send it out to whoever is going to publish it and have it available sorta near Thanksgiving so people could order it and hopefully have it around Christmas.

something happened the other day.

i started reading some old blog posts that i actually liked.

then i started reading more that i liked.

it added up to over 220 pages, and i hadnt even gotten any posts from 2004.

i was thrilled. but each day that i knew that i was supposed to go to the huge word doc full of posts i resisted. i procrastinated. i hesitated. what if i was just buzzed the day before and those posts werent really good enough to put on paper?

yesterday i was supposed to go to the xbi doctor. the doc fucked up and gave me the wrong appointment. so i had a whole day to go over the book.

it took 2 hours just to spell check the mother, cuz as you know, i dont do a lot of spell checking.

then i re-arranged posts and took a lot of dates out. then i chopped out any post that wasnt solid from top to bottom. i was looking for great beginings great middles and great endings. every post had to be hot.

before lunch the book was down to 140 pages. the goal was to make a good tight meaty book of 175 pages.

then the debate was should i have only 2002-2003 posts and make a new book next year of 2004 posts – or should i include the best of 2004 posts and chop out the weaker 2002-2003 posts?

i decided that even though the book will be called How To Blog inspired from a 2004 post, there would only be a few stories from this year.

it’s nice to have a complete book pre-written and waiting in your archives.

so last night i put the title page and the dedication page and tonight i will go over it one last time and make a cover and tomorrow morning i will send it off to CafePress who do my tshirts and other crap and sent me a commission check in a timely manner which to me means that theyre legit.

and even though it irritating to have chokey on my ass, in the end it’s good because it gets me moving and producing something. and maybe that something could be sold to a real publisher somewhere who is looking for a book about blogging written by someone who posts several times a day and could easilly produce two 250 page blooks if he needed to.

of course typing this and posting it will jinx it and we’ll never see this new book, but whatev.

sk smith + layne + virginia

not really, but shit man, you gotta love how they stick together.

arnold schwarzenegger became governor of california despite the fact that he brazenly smoked weed in a movie, groped women on film sets, and his father was a nazi police cheif.

george w. bush became president and then was reelected despite having a drinking problem, a cocaine problem, a spending problem, a finding osama problem, and a winning the war problem.

jim demint recently became senator of south carolina despite saying that gays and unwed pregnant women are unfit to be schoolteachers.

today alberto gonzales was nominated to be the US Attorney General despite calling the the Geneva Convention quaint in regards to questioning prisoners detained during this war on terror

adding that following the rules of the Convention to al qaeda and taliban detainees “could undermine U.S. military culture…”

gonzales’s interesting stance on the geneva convention had some critics including the secretary of state colin powell who said that disobeying the rules of the convention “will reverse over a century of U.S. policy and practice in supporting the Geneva conventions and undermine the protections of the law of war for our troops, both in this specific conflict and in general.”

Rear Admiral John Hutson (ret.),Navy Judge Advocate General from 1997 to 2000, said, “When you say something down the chain of command like, ‘The Geneva conventions don’t apply,’ that sets the stage for the kind of chaos that we’ve seen.”

indeed.

but because gonzales is republican and because this war on terror cant be bothered with people who are going to constantly interfere with crazy complaints of rules being broken or human rights being trampled, he got the nod today

as terrorist suspects sit in cuba without lawyers or any trials.

the president today said of his nominee, “his sharp intellect and sound judgment have helped shape our policies in the war on terror.”

heh.

gonzales of course didnt just come out of his momma wanting to re-write concepts of torture and false imprisonment, before the texan became buddies with the president he was a former partner in the houston law firm Vinson & Elkins, which represented Enron. he also received campaign contributions from Enron when he ran for re-election to the Texas Supreme Court.

so yes, now i am a republican. the only party that i know of who will support their brethren no matter what laws they break, no matter what failures they have been in the past (or present), no matter what seedy background they came from, no matter what sort of twisted logic they have about gays unwed mothers or suspects.

even though i like many of the democrats’ ideas, it bothered me how they distanced themselves from bill clinton as he was being unfairly impeached, i hated how they abandonded al gore even though he won the 2000 election, and i was shocked at how they tossed aside howard dean simply because he got a little excited during a rally for his volunteers.

the dems can learn alot about their adversaries.

loyalty is at the top of that list.

which is why today i am switching sides and am officially a republican.

found on floor + rabbit + thanks mist

between bloggers and comic strip artists who have a presence on the web.

the rule should be that we can use their strip as long as we link the image to their site and maybe one or two other times in the post.

like even at the end of it.

cuz the problem is, if you arent reading the paper anymore how are you going to find great comics?

and if youre a comic artist why not expand into the world of blogs which could directly link your comic with, i dont know, a book you might be hyping or merch or something.

just in time for kwanza.

i know i have a much harder time finding something good graphically to put up here than to think of something to say.

i would love to have a comic a day on here.

similarily i bet if corbis had a blogger rate for small images, i might be interested.

and if they sold 4×6 prints for $10 each of the ones that are least requested i bet they might get more takers than theyd realize.

and chad from chokey chicken asks if the busblog will have a new book out before christmas and the magic eightball says maybe

which is a ton better than no

but you know who has a book which i’m sure is terrific is my favorite baseball blogger mr aaron gleeman, its called the Hardball Times 2004 Baseball Annual

aaron is a college student in minnesota who has written for Baseball Primer, Rotoworld, InsiderBaseball.com, and FOXSports.com

he’s so badass that he got Bill James to write a guest column for the book.

if you want to get matt welch a thanksgiving present, this would be perfect.

get your war on + republic of seabrook + raymi + danielle

50 number ones

mca nashville

“i hate everything”

He was sittin’ there beside me

Throwin’ doubles down

When he ordered up his third one

He looked around

Then he looked at me

Said I do believe

I’ll have one more

He said I hate this bar

And I hate to drink

But on second thought

Tonight I think

I hate everything

Then he opened up his billfold

And threw a twenty down

And a faded photograph fell out

And hit the ground

And I picked it up

He said thank you bud

I put it in his hand

He said I probably outa’ throw this one away

Cause she’s the reason I feel this way

Why I hate everything

Well, I hate my job

And I hate my life

And If it weren’t for my two kids

I’d hate my ex-wife

I know I should move on

And try to start again

But I just cant get over her

Leavin’ me for him

Then he shook his head

And looked down at his ring

And said I hate everything

Said that one bedroom apartment

Where I get my mail

Is really not a home

It’s more like a jail

With a swimmin’ pool

And a parkin’ lot view

Man its just great

I hate summer, winter, fall and spring

Red and yellow, purple, blue and green

I hate everything

I hate my job

And I hate my life

And If it weren’t for my two kids

I’d hate my ex-wife

I know I should move on

And try to start again

But I just can’t get over her

Leavin’ me for him

Then he shook his head

And looked down at his ring

And he said I hate everything

So I pulled out my phone

And I called my house

I said Babe I’m commin’ home

We’re gonna work this out

I paid for his drinks

And I told him thanks

Thanks for everything

zulieka + iron mouth + deb

ncluding a report of a Cincinnati Enquirer eye-witness account of a “lockdown” during the count in Warren County.

he also goes on to discuss irregularities in Florida.

glenn reynolds via his msnbc column glennreyolds.com rebuts today in his peice called “Whining Doesn’t Win”

“Complaints about voter fraud have been the perennial domain of losers, though people seem less shy about sounding bitter and shrill these days. And now some disappointed Democrats — those who aren’t talking about seceding, anyway — are claiming that the voting was somehow ‘hacked,'” reynolds, the author of instapundit.com wrote.

and then he goes on to say that it “seems rather tinfoil-hattish to me.”

which is an insult in some circles.

obermann doing what reporters do, raised some serious questions in his report that can be heard here including the fact that some machines in florida’s broward county began counting backwards after it reached 32,000 votes.

wouldnt you think that the good professor would be the first to call for an investigation if it were his man who had lost in florida and a little light was shed on the fact that voting machines were suddenly doing the opposite of what they should be doing?

i recall how vocal he was about happenings that went down 30 years ago — one would think that dirty tricks going down a week ago would get just as much attention. dont you?

wouldnt you think that the blogfather would become a little curious when the results from the exit polls were dramatically different than the “official” count. were that many people flat out lying to the press about their support for the president?

it’s not at all interesting to the worlds most popular blogger that “Bush racked up more votes than registered Republicans in 47 out of 67 counties in Florida. In 15 of those counties, his vote total more than doubled the number of registered Republicans and in four counties, Bush more than tripled the number

“?

the fear that so many bush backers have to actually count the votes in bush presidential elections is also bewildering.

what are they afraid that we will discover?

don’t these educated men and women want to know the results, and prove to the nation that there wasnt any monkey business going on in the most important elections on the planet?

why must they resort to name-calling instead of demanding a full investigation?

why is it that they were supportive of investigations into Bill Clinton’s white water dealings that went on for years, but they’re not in the slightest way interested in investigations of our elections, which anyone can see are far from perfect?

maybe theres something to hide.

UPDATE: Parsing the numbers reveals a bizarre similarity in many of the Ohio returns.

metafilter thread + village voice explains how bush stole this election too + reason’s hit and run

to get a new girl to come over and spend the night.

lets call her martina hingis.

tall dark and bored bored bored with the lifestyle the pretty boys have served up to her year after year.

strolled into my humble home an hour late but i let it slide cuz i needed to clean up. she spent nearly a half hour looking at the pictures on my walls the books on my shelves and the video tapes in my drawers.

the whole time i kept thinking fucking a martina hingis is in my hizzie.

and of course the phone kept ringing but i had to pick up. first it was jeanine. then it was my truest. then it was miss montreal. then my mom of all people called. but martina was cool about, she kept pouring different cocktails for us.

soon she had me where she wanted me. tipsy. honest. fearless.

perfect tsar tv-watching mode.

not so fast mr blogger she warned and ripped off her breakaway warm up pants.

if only you knew how much of this is true

and a funny thing happens when a girl is this aggressive with me. i retreat like a bitch. it’s the craziest thing. so i backed up into my computer closet and tried to show her pictures of my neice, pictures of my youth, pictures i will soon be using on my blog.

but martina hingis didnt wanna see any stinking pictures.

until she saw a folder entitled xxannaxx

then suddenly she was totally fixated

got any pictures of she and i playing doubles, she asked.

i dropped my old fashioned but it bounced right back into my hand.

and then i knew i was dreaming.

and then tsar was on tv.

and then the pizza arrived.

and then i washed my hands, re-entered the living room

and then my friends, i ripped off my break-away silk pajama bottoms

and as the sistahs say, thats when the party started proper.

eight tsar tunes you can listen to + j. mo + mad mathias

my hundred monkeys broke out of their room last night while i was passed out and they went straight for the garage and cracked open the soda fridge.

i caught them this morning trying to defrost some rib roast.

they flung feces at me, but i had some of my own and im a better shot.

fuckers.

corralled most of them before kickoff this morning but i think theres one around here hiding cuz i can smell cigarette smoke.

during their rampage they knocked over the tommy chong bong and got bongwater all over my computer and now my box needs its button pushed and held before it will turn on.

and no, im not talking about clipper girls cousin.

so i tried to burn my porn real quick off my hard drive just incase this thing has a short thats dying to pop and fritz out this whole mo fo and the computer shut off about 5 minutes into the burn, so this might be my last dispatch till tomorrow.

this all might be karmic payback for not picking up the phone when the 90 year old landlady called.

it was her on tuesday who the firetrucks and ambulance was for.

on thanksgiving day she called me while i had a fork full of hot steamy soul food and she wouldnt tell me why but insisted that i come over.

i did.

she said her backdoor was open and unlocked.

gross.

got over there and she had me adjust her pillows.

she had locked herself inside her room. instead of a bedroom door she had a screen door. it was ripped by the handle so she could lock it from her side but if someone needed to come in they could slip their hand through the rip in the screen.

she really isnt that crazy.

she told me she was making a will, what did i want.

i told her i wanted some of her mothers original paintings.

she said, which ones. i said the ones youve been looking at all these years, and i pointed to the ones behind me.

there was a totally uneaten can of wet cat food on top of a table. it had been mushed at a little, and its consistency was sagging so at a quick glance it looked like a heap of shit on a plate. but it was just cat food.

her cat cowered beneath the table.

the place smelled of powder and she told me that she couldnt walk any more, that it was right where her left front pocket would be if she wasnt wearing a housecoat.

she said she couldnt walk anymore and showed me a little trash can where she said she would probably use

she said her new girl was black and good but wouldnt be around until monday

she said her doctor was out of town until monday and he had left the number to the doctor who was going to cover for him, but she didnt remember his name.

she asked if i was going to be in town this weekend.

i lied and said no.

just then the phone rang. it was her best friend in illinois. she had told me about him before. she said hi cliff to him and told him to call her later and he slowly said that he would.

i looked around. i liked her place.

she told me to go look in the living room for anything else that i would want.

she had old records, great old books. i wanted everything.

i returned and she told me to make sure i had closed the screen door in the living room.

i told her all i wanted was this old book of mark twain stories.

she said, is that it? that i had been so nice to her.

i hadnt been so nice.

she bought me a chocolate tort once.

she had me write down the numbers of people like this animal rescue guy who she wanted all the left over stuff to go to.

she wanted him to have most of her money cuz she loves animals.

good thinking, i told her.

she called a few hours later. i didnt answer. she knows a lot of people.

she also knows 9-1-1.

she said her biggest fear was what would happen to her cat.

when she called 9-1-1 on tuesday they told her that they would have to take her to the hospital. she said what about my cat, they said who cares about your cat.

so she didnt go to the hospital.

next day she realized that the animal rescue guy would take care of her cat.

i know if i promised her that i would take care of the cat she would give me everything that she has, records, books, new tv, 100 year old original american art that really is good

cases of ensure.

but i dont like cats.

even mellow ones who pretty much just hang out.

i barely like monkeys.

stereogum + accordian guy + cry of capricorn

cbs’ the Late Late Show

right after Letterman

see tsar and be amazed!