you shouldnt be crying. but i know why you are.

its cuz life isnt fair.

trust me, as a cub fan i understand how life isnt fair.

youre supposed to be on top of the world. youre rich, youre famous, youve got a cute little kiddo, youve got tons of fans.

i know it sucks that your man is a loser. i know you dont wanna divorce your babys daddy. i know you wanna drive your own car and carry your own son.

but baby none of this is working out.

i know youre worried that if someone else carries your baby you’ll look like a bad mom but you know what, fuck those people.

heres what you need to do and the first thing is hire me. i’ll work for you for $50k a year cuz thats all i need. i dont even need that. i’ll work for you for $40k if you let me use your hot tub a few times a week. and the laundry facilities.

i will be your new driver. you need one. im a great driver. ive never had an accident. ive also lived in LA for a gazillion years.

as your driver i will also be your voice of reason because clearly whoever is supposed to be that for you has laringitious. or however you spell it. theyre fucking up.

if i see you are about to go out to street with little baby sean on your hip i will say baby, i mean britney, put that Bjorn on Byourself, Beyotch. its why it was bjinvented.

if i see that you wont wear it and you have a drink in your hand i will carry it for you until we get into the car. then i will put you in the back seat and i will hand you the drink and i will wait until everyones strapped in and then i will pull away from the curb and drive at a reasonable pace.

we wont run from the ‘ratzi. theyre annoying but all they want is your picture. in fact you and i will start a little web site where we will take a picture of you and the boy three times a day. we will flood the market with britney pics and theirs wont be worth as much. hell, we will have picture day at your house a few times a month where sick and poor kids come over and take hundreds of pics

ok maybe not sick kids since youre pregnant, but fans, nice fans, young fans and their moms.

we will also not have you go to the grocery store any more for awhile. i know you like going to the ralphs in malibu but you know what, no more of that. i will get your groceries. i know you want a normal life but who are you fucking kidding? you dont have a normal life. normal people arent worth millions. normal people dont have photographers chasing them around. normal people dont have tony pierce as their driver.

why do you wanna live in malibu anyways? theres only one grocery store out there. theres only one major road. youre sorta trapped out there. you wanna be punk rock? move to compton. i’ll still be your driver, and i bet you a buck that you’ll have far less paparatzi hanging out front of your house if you lived on Compton Blvd.

when you slipped the other day you said, “thats why i want a gun.” you wont need a gun if you lived in Compton. your neighbors would take care of the riff raff. trust me.

now regarding kfed. im not a fan of divorce. i believe that marriage is something that you have till death do you part. so heres what we do. again, we move everyone to Compton. kfed too. one day when he goes to the studio or whereever the fuck he goes, we change the code for the gate. then we let the neighbors take care of the scrawny wigger.

till death do you part-y.

im not saying that compton is a violent place. im just saying that if something happened to the ratzi or kevin, nobody would question it. then you and i and the babies drive back up to malibu and you give me a little raise and let me drive you around for a few more years.

dont worry im not secretly hitting on you. it just breaks my heart to see you cry.

references available upon request,

tony

seamus + david + mlah + ben

who doesnt love chicken? she doesnt. not only a virgin but a vegan. a virgan. a vegin. she puts no meat in her mouth america. none. i was lucky to get my tounge in there. she had a cute spaghetti strap shirt on that said i eat nothing with a face and i argued that i dont have much of a face any more, just bored expressions. she had mercy on me. now, how that got her to spend the night is beyond me but we slept tangled like dna strands but my blue balls have never been so blue. but i report to you from the front that a sleepover date with a vegin is better than no date at all. and even though my fantasy baseball reliever just gave up a two run homer in the bottom of the ninth i have a stupid smile and reason to believe.

the day started off right when i finally opened my week’s mail around noon after breakfast. there was an expense check that i had forgotten that i had submitted, there was a book from a very nice forgeiner who asked to remain anonymous but swedish princesses deserve their privacy so there you go baby, and then i got a small package from one of my favorite people who sent me the new white stripes cd get behind me satan and the new frank black cd honeycomb.

ive gotta open my mail more often.

sadly i saw an invoice from my dentist. and im 60 days past due! for some reason i thought they were tapping into my credit card each month. i told them that it was cool to do that since i didnt know when i was gonna be back there, but i guess there were some extra charges or something? whatev, hes got a good place there so the checks in the mail doc.

three stamps i must get tomorrow morning.

did as much as i could with a virgan after breakfast and she pulled out this stinky green bud that i was all whoah baby whered a pretty little girl like you get something as crazy as that? it was dark green with crazy little purple hairs and shades of yellow near its core which sparkled in the morning light.

people like to give me things she giggled and dug through her bag for a pipe and pulled out this shiny silver lipstick thing that turned into a smoking device. she packed it, swiped the lighter next to the candle and offered me the first hit but i passed since i thinking im going to probably get drug tested at this company i applied for. office depot doesnt accept druggies i told her.

instead i licked her cute little perky nipple and said thats how you get high off life baby and my head sunk down due to gravity i swear and entered a sweet darkness that no man has ever reached and i was there for a milisecond as she was distracted with her paraphenalia and had no free hands to defend her bunker and i searched for a whiff of innocence but thats the funny thing about aromas, sometimes pot smoking angels have none

not even when they pass out on the couch before the sixth inning in front of the cubs sox game on the big screen

a game the cubs would barely win thanks to the complete game effort of mr mark prior who probably doesnt smell like chicken soup which is my aroma currently as its hot in this bungalow at two twenty six on may twenty second i have no ac no ceiling fan no nothing except a scientificly adjusted assortment of windows and doors some of which are open to allow in the shade-cooled air to enter, and some which are closed to stop the bright sun-warmed air to come in.

but even though its warm she sleeps beneath a mexican blanket not at all knowing that pizza pie has been delivered with her favorite toppings and even though mine has double, obviously, her half has no cheese.

chad is doing something unique

i think its cuz the caged bird isnt singing.

caged bird is disappointed in my taste in girls.

one day someone super cool is there. next day someone way too young is there. next day someone super annoying is there. next day someone way too dull is there with hot clothes.

caged bird is a judger.

yesterday there was an annoying chick followed by a hot clothes chick. im a very odd person. i dont care how hot your clothes are unless i like you. and i dont care how young you are or how flat your belly is or how you pretend like you dont know that youre flashing me panty.

im odd because sometimes id rather be blogging.

ive met some girls over the span of my lifetime who have really fucked up the bell curve. if you have seen half the chicks that come through my place youd be all omg and trust me theres a small part of me that is saying omg. not that small part. that part is old. and tired. sometimes i think that part would rather be blogging too.

ask this one girl i used to date. hell ask any of them. twice a day i want to blog. if i dont get 20 minutes to write something down i dont care what the chick is wearing or promising or alledging, i just want to write. its very much like taking a dump. and the room smells when im done, too.

ok so the sopranos were on last night and i get the east coast feed of hbo and annoying girl hadnt seen the sopranos since two years ago, so i figured that she would be able to get filled in pretty fast but i was wrong. all she kept doing was asking questions. whos that guy whos that lady. i would tell her and she wouldnt believe me.

why ask me questions if youre not going to believe me.

so i played a little game with her. i told her that every time she was being annoying or didnt believe me she had to take off an item of clothing. before we knew it she was naked. so i said ok, now if youre annoying or dont believe me you have to open the drapes and then walk around my building.

the neighbors loved that one.

then she had to get on top of my coffee table, then she had to order pizza. then she had to wear my hats. then she had to speak in a french accent.

what happened was instead of being disgusted and frustrated with me she had the time of her life and is now super in love with me.

sadly im so not into her or her size 0 jeans that she somehow left behind. WHO LEAVES JEANS BEHIND!~?!?>!?

speaking of leaving shit behind. someone else left behind some earrings and some booty shorts. everyone leaves shit behind. karisa says its because they want me to think of them or return it. all i know is people ask me about it.

q. whose fugly earrings are these?
a. oh theyre not yours?
q. um, NO
a. i guess theyre mine then.
q. you dont even have pierced ears.
a. then i guess theyre my maid’s.
q. i bet. well tell your other whore that she has bad taste.
a. baby thats not how you win my heart.
q. im just saying.
a. youre just being annoying.
q. whose are they?
a. if i knew i’d tell you. ive got nothing to hide.
q. karisas?
a. karisa hasnt been over here in years baby. and shes practically married.
q. i hate you.
a. you cant say you hate me when youre topless wearing a funny hat.
q. look at me in the eyes, i hate you tony pierce.
a. baby i just met you like an hour ago. you cant be jealous. its not allowed.
q. ive known you virtually for a year. ive read all your books. i know you better than you know YOURSELF!
a. then you know that i want to blog right now.
q. good then blog.
a. and if you know me, you know that i like for girls to watch porn and touch themselves when i blog.
q. say what?
a. you heard me. porn is in the shoe box marked XXX.

and once again, be careful for what you ask for because some girls will actually do what you request. and then unfortunately then you have a turned on girl who really wants you NOW and you havent even started blogging yet. which is why, i suppose, God invented the rerun.

today the cubs faced the white sox in the south side of chicago.

and the cubs won.

i know the scoreboard had some numbers on it that made it look like the white sox came out on top but they didnt. they got a beat down.

a lot of baseball fans are happy about interleague play – american league teams playing national league clubs during the regular season – but i hate it. i hate it because it’s fake and unnatural and sends the wrong message to the children. i dont want the cubs playing the sox or the mets playing the yankees unless it’s in the world series, when it means something.

but baseball’s marketing department threw the red ants on the black ants during the regular season to increase attendance, and theyve gotten their wish. interleague play is a wild success. however so is pornography and violent films.

today the chicago cubs, who havent been winning many games ever since their star first baseman broke his wrist, went to the south side to play the white sox who have been playing well since last year.

some say the white sox are the defending world series champions but since i didnt see it with my own eyes im choosing to believe that last year was a very bad dream involving holograms.

in the second inning the white sox catcher rounded third and there was a play at the plate. the white sox fella ran into the cubs catcher, michael barrett and knocked him down before he had a chance to tag him out.

he then slapped home plate with excitement as the home team cheered.

then he lowered his shoulder and ran into the cubs catcher barrett in order to retrieve his batting helmet and barrett did what every cub fan has been wanting to do to the white sox for a very long time,

he punched him in the fucking jaw

and instantly became a hero and a legend in the deep, long history of the north side club.

the sox catcher later in an interview said he didnt know why barrett hit him but that just goes to show you how the white sox are – theyre dirty liars who deserve to be beaten tomorrow when the two teams meet up again.

its a good thing i dont have a pregnant wife right now because i would name the child michael barrett pierce regardless of what sex the infant ended being.

tonight i will sleep well. i will kiss a teenage girl and she will kiss me back and ask me how my day was and i will tell her the story of michael barrett. sadly she doesnt understand sports because shes european (she even insists that soccer is a sport) but i will try to explain to her that the white sox are like a younger brother. one who you have to share a house with because of blood and laws and history. but you dont want to share the house with them. youre supposed to love them but you dont. and you never will. and even if they move away you still wont love them.

she wont understand this because she knows that i have two younger siblings who i love very much and at that point i will tell her that i have a very dark heart full of contradictions, but one thing is crystal clear – the white sox are the enemy. more so than the cardinals or the yankees or even our current administration who lies and tortures and raises our gas prices. the white sox are worse.

yes they gave us bill veeck and harry caray and jimmy piersal and that midget and some of my best friends are sox fans (actually none of them are) and i even have a soft spot for jerry manuel and scott podsednick but the white sox are the shit stain in the toilet that just wont scrub off. i hope their stadium burns, i hope they lose the rest of their games this season, and i hope whatever happened last year gets expunged from the record due to some scandal that we stumble across in the near future.

until then michael barrett is my hero and i will buy his jersey in the morning. the first cub jersey ive ever owned.

cubs win.

video of the blow + a sox fans biased version of the incident

to ms maureen dowd (id hit it) who in turn turned her column over to the graduates of the New School who took ownership of their graduation at madison square garden while a certain republican sell out from arizona took to the mic

Maureen Dowd
New York Times 5/20/06

“Make Poetry, Not War”

It was a rough crowd for agents of American imperialism.

At the New School commencement at Madison Square Garden’s theater yesterday afternoon, dozens of the red-and-black-gowned graduates and some faculty were heckling, cackling, hissing, booing, jeering, whooping, bolting, turning their backs and holding up orange signs that read, “Our commencement is not your platform.” As for John McCain, he spoke about how the “passion for self-expression sometimes overwhelms our civility.”

“We’re graduating, not voting,” one young man yelled.

“This is all about you,” another called out. “We don’t care.”

A little while after the senator quoted Yeats about the fleeting nature of beauty, a student sarcastically called out, “More poetry.”

First, Mr. McCain and the New School’s president, Bob Kerrey, were slapped around by a student speaker, Jean Sara Rohe, a 21-year-old from Nutley, N.J., who sang a lyric from a peace song and then abandoned her original remarks to talk about the “outrage” over Mr. McCain’s speaking gig.

“The senator does not reflect the ideals upon which this university was founded,” Ms. Rohe said, adding: “I am young, and although I don’t profess to possess the wisdom that time affords us, I do know that preemptive war is dangerous and wrong.”

She continued: “And I know that despite all the havoc that my country has wrought overseas in my name, Osama bin Laden still has not been found, nor have those weapons of mass destruction.”

The New School, of course, makes New York University seem like Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va., where Mr. McCain kowtowed last weekend to Jerry Falwell, the looney-toon he formerly deemed an agent of intolerance. (Just as Rudy buddy-buddied with Ralph Reed in Atlanta.)

The ultraliberal kids at the New School, the pacifist Greenwich Village university, think of themselves as free-thinking rabble-rousers in a world where many college kids, complacently cocooned under iPods, don’t even like to debate, much less protest.

When a rigid-faced Mr. Kerrey chided the audience for being rude, a young woman yelled out, “You’re a war criminal!” And a guy chimed in, “Yes, you are!”

It was a remarkable tableau to see the two iconoclastic vets, their bodies beneath the black gowns still bearing broken pieces from Vietnam, being pilloried by kids angry about another endless war, faceless enemy and feckless defense secretary.

Senator McCain came to Mr. Kerrey’s defense in 2001. That’s when graduate students called for the New School president to resign and for Congress to investigate him because a Times magazine piece had revealed that he had led a Seals unit that killed up to 20 unarmed civilians, most of them women and children.

(The Pentagon is now investigating a case in Haditha, Iraq, where marines are accused of killing 15 unarmed Iraqis from two families, including 7 women and 3 children.)

Yesterday, Mr. Kerrey returned the favor, admonishing the students that when they are “heckling from an audience … no bravery is required.”

The Arizona senator did not depart from his text and engage the students, as Bill Clinton might have done, with a passionate exegesis of his stance. And, still trying to show his temper is under control, he did not push back, as Rudy Giuliani might have.

He may have even found the screaming students useful, as a liberal hippie foil that will endear him to the evangelical base he’s smooching up. Mr. McCain’s adviser, John Weaver, talked dismissively of the West Village students, saying they should get out more and hear opposing viewpoints.

Mr. McCain’s panderthon grew even more absurd this week. He let the Wyly brothers — the Texas businessmen who financed a $2.5 million ad campaign in 2000 trashing his environmental record, a move that enraged Mr. McCain and spurred him to call the Wylys W.’s “sleazy Texas buddies” — hold a fund-raiser for him in Dallas.

The senator may have wanted to give the same commencement speech at Liberty, the New School and Columbia as a way of showing those disillusioned by his snuggling with old enemies that he is still a straight-talker, willing to say the same thing to Southern conservatives and Northern liberals.

But Bob Kerrey better summed up the feeling of many of us about the New McCain in the new issue of Men’s Vogue. He mocked the senator’s coziness with W., telling Ned Martel: “He kissed him! McCain let Bush’s lips touch him. Yuck!”

bonds hits 714 + SIRI hits 4 + jessica hits brasil + whatshername hits 28

best fake trailer for a real movie ever

i worked so much harder for your love

i mean just look at what i gave you back then

i havent been asleep before 3am at all this week. its been a strange week.

a year ago today i was freaking out after being fired i mean laid off, and if i remember correctly i barely enjoyed my time off because i didnt know how quickly i was going to be hired again so i sat around the house, occassionally going over to the mondrian pool to put my feet in the water, but mostly trying to save money.

big mistake.

if the lord gives you manna, eat it. there will be more tomorrow.

one of the nice things about not getting much sleep is it lowers the odds of any dreams. i pretty much hate dreams. dreams are lies sent right to your brain at your most vulnerable. you wake up and if it was a nice dream youre pissed cuz it wasnt true and if it was a nightmare you wake up pissed because your sleep was interrupted.

my life is interesting enough, i dont need any fake versions. but last night i had a dream that i was taking a shower because my girlfriend was coming over to go on a date with me.

whats funny is one of my favorite things is taking a shower preparing for a hot date, but my bathroom is pretty dark and in the dream it was really bright. and i was singing to myself. anyone who has seen my house knows that there is a music machine in every room of this place. three in my bedroom, one in the living room, one in the closet that i write to you, and a water resistant sony boom box in the bathroom. theres no reason for me to be singing.

nor do i sing. but dreams are retards and always get the story wrong so there i was singing. the tune was our house by madness. a song i like. the only reason that could have been in my head was because i was supposed to play it for the wedding but never did. instead i spun it must be love.

when i woke up i wasnt clean, i had no girlfriend, and i was probably the furthest to having one than ive ever been. i dont even think theres a babe in la who even likes me. and further, hell if i know even one line from the madness classic.

now that i have a car, if i were to be laid off again i would drive it around this country and meet girls whove always wanted to kiss me. i was gonna try to kiss lindsay when she visited me but i chickened out cuz i was so sick. murphys law – yesterday i was the least sick that ive been in two months. the two days of working from home was perfect.

i have a new doctor.

doc if youre reading this your pills and your advice were right on the money. so thank you. and i hope you start blogging soon.

kerry wood pitched for the cubs today and gave up a few homers in the loss. but you know what, id rather kerry wood give up a few runs for the cubs than any other asswipe except for mark prior and hes coming back soon too.

lost was fantastic last night.

they announced the bands for austin city limits yesterday:

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Van Morrison, Willie Nelson, the Flaming Lips, Massive Attack, Ween, Gnarls Barkley, the Raconteurs, the Shins, John Mayer, Feist, Stars, Cat Power and the Memphis Rhythm Band, Thievery Corporation, the New Pornographers, Sparklehorse, Son Volt, Aimee Mann, Nickel Creek, Nada Surf, Wolf Parade, Iron & Wine, Calexico, I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness, Ted Leo/Pharmacists, KT Tunstall, Secret Machines, the Rocket Summer, Okkervil River, José González, Matisyahu, Gomez, Galactic, G. Love and Special Sauce, Kings of Leon, Explosions in the Sky, Guster, Damien Rice, Damian Marley, Alexi Murdoch, Buckwheat Zydeco, Ben Kweller, Kathleen Edwards, String Cheese Incident, Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, Los Lonely Boys, Jack Ingram, Kasey Chambers, Centro-matic, Marah, the Black Angels, Sara Hickman, Trish Murphy, Asleep at the Wheel, South Austin Jug Band, Palm Elementary School Choir

it’ll take place from September 15-17 at Zilker Park in Austin, Texas.

bloopy + im writing more on thought mechanics + i have hot xgirlfriends + a photo essay from 5/19/05

be quiet as youre fuct with in a library

via metafilter + also on metafilter: blogger gets fired for blogging