this time of month is rough on me for birthdays because a lot of my friends are aquariuses. greg and kira and lindsay and clipper girl and speaking of clipper girl i understand why someone would text message someone when they dont want to talk to them on the phone

but whats the purpose of texting them if you know theyre asleep and you know that their phone will chirp all night in the dead silence

chirp in the most annoying manner.

are you hoping that i get super pissed off and call you back all yelling and screaming?

im so not into drama. didnt we discuss this yesterday?

and pardon me but was there another person who took it upon themselves to give me some constructive criticism on how to blog?

is my i dont give a fuck what you think tshirt that ratty that you cant read it clearly?

sir, lowercase minimal grammar is nothing new, from ee to wcw to even bukowski, great american writers have a proud and long tradition of taking it easy with the pinkie key strokes.

however last year i accepted a job where i would blog for people who are easily distracted by lack of capital letters. it’s called LAist and over the last two days we’ve used so many capital letters that i wish i had a nickel for each one we used.

i have new neighbors and they either think im a drug dealer or a pornographer because each time that ive seen them ive been with different girls who reeked so badly of weed thtat it was actually remarkable. it was almost like a perfume.

anyways last night i got dragged out to Stomp The Yard.

i was all baby i have that on dvd. she was all fuck that santee alley bootleg bs. i was all who are you talking to? its an academy screener.

thirty minutes later there i was shelling out $17

and actually really enjoying it.

like really enjoying it.

maybe it was the company.

no. would i like a woman to drive from texas to florida in a diaper so she wouldnt have to stop for piss breaks en route to the home of the girl im banging so that she could jealously kidnap my ho? yes.

i mean no.

drama is what happens outside of the home. your house should be your safe place. home base. and your girl should be the one who when she sees you frowning tells you its going to be ok and then slides her hand down to where its supposed to be.

granted, a female astronaut is probably a very different beast from you or i. probably close to super human, if human at all. and one might laugh at her diaper decision, but it is quite practical if you think about it, which is something i cant stop doing.

one summer i was an ice cream man guy. every day i had to drive around a different part of the northwest suburbs of Chicago (people usually dont buy ice cream man ice cream two days in a row). i got lucky and got a super great girl to be my sorta summer girlfriend and i would do nothing but think about her on my long drives home from buffalo grove and mundelion through the cornfields trying to make it back to south barrington before the 30 year old van broke down.

and as i sped through those empty illinois roads id hum to myself something from nebraska or something

hey little baby is yr daddy home, did he go and leave you all alone
hmmmm mmmm i got a bad desire
oh oh oh im on fire

that summer it was so hot that some days the ice cream melted IN the freezer. i drove barefoot with nothing on but sunglasses and cutoffs. basically i looked like one of tom sawyers friends who had stolen an ice cream truck (mis)singing bruce springsteen with a ridiculously huge afro:

well the boss dont dig me so he put me on the night shift
eight more hours to get back to where my baby lives
in the wee wee hours your eyes get itchy
radio relay towers wont you lead me to my baby
underneath the overpass hit the party lightswitch
hey ho rock n roll deliver me from nowhere
i remember wanda when she was employed
behind the counter of the route 60 bobs big boy
fried chicken on the front seat sittin on our lap
we’re wipin our fingers on the texaco road map…

so i wonder what diaper astronaut lady was singing to her self. i wonder what scenarios were running through her head. possibilities that never ended up that way.

like waterbeds

like summersex

like jail.

there might have even been a time when id find a nitrous balloon in my hand. in fact there may have been a few days of my life when there was a whole tank of nitrous in our victorian on haight street and

back in those days sometimes youd wake up with a pretty girl next to you and lets say you liked her ok but not amazingly but ok and lets say that you two drank a lot the night before and smoked a lot the night before and then played a little game called im going to fuck the fuck out of you no im gonna fuck the fuck outta you.

and there it is the morning and its there might as well go for it.

even though youre tired. and sore. and wobbly. and the new king of fuck.

the same logic would be in order if you walked down the stairs and saw a five foot tank of laughing gas standing innocently next to a passed out hippie.

passed out on the floor.

with just one birkenstock on.

you lift the tank quietly to see how heavy it is and magically its still somewhat heavy.

so you find an unused balloon and you turn the dial and watch the hippie during the shockingly loud hissing of the tank unloading its loveliness into an eighteen inch rubber balloon.

maybe it was the loss of fluids from the night before or the wakingness and bakiness of it but that one morning when i went downstairs and saw that tank and did a balloon first thing, i got sucked into a different dimension. a vortex of wasted.

but at the other end of the tunnel was j mascis shredding in dinosaur jrs best single in the last ten years. and haunting. and amazing. and creepy.

i know youre out there.

it was eighty seven degrees here today and when i woke up at noon karisa caught me on im and said you better go outside today and i said but i went outside yesterday

i took her advice and went to the glendale mall and fell in love with two girls and gave my number to a third

What we saw yesterday was the first chapter of a Bears dynasty.

If the keep Lovie and they keep Lance Briggs, which of course they will (although they should have signed them both a while ago) they will still have a very young, very talented team.

Urlacher is only 28, Hester is a rookie, that was Rex’s first real season, we have two good running backs who are learning to work together, and there’s no real dominating teams in the NFC, although the Saints are just as young and exciting.

I think Rex did very well for himself in his first Super Bowl. He kept his QB rating in double digits, and he only threw two INTs in a game where he should have been handing the ball off way more.

In the regular season the Bears were 11-5 last year and 13-3 this year.

As a life long Chicago Bears fan, I can tell you that Rex Grossman is your typical Bears QB – compltely unpredictable and retarded. And even though its his fault that we lost the Super Bowl, he’s also a big reason why we got there.

i dont know what kind of pussy he got tonight, but i hope it was good. though not too good. when you get a snap from an all-pro center, you shouldnt be fumbling it. let alone two of them.

Electric Surfin’ Go Go (single)

someoengot me WatstED

and posteds secrt list of best or 2006

Before we break into the sweet tunes, let me tell you that im stoked. i have a head ache from staying up all night at this new chicks house smoking her shitty weed, but im stoked.

im stoked because i realized last night that a) my penis isnt as small as i thought it was b) i watch wayyyy too much porn like the Monsters of Cock series c) kissing is underrated d) the bears will win because Condi Rice is picking the Colts e) teenagers should be split up into illegally young teens and barely legal teens and not all of them are created equally but the barely legals have shitty weed

the best part about young girls is they have the worst taste in music. they havent heard anything yet and an old fuck like me can turn them on to things theyve never ever ever ever heard of and will never hear again. LA’s Dengue Fever is just that sort of band. the singer is from Vietnam and she does a lot of Asian cover songs. which is great for us here in the states cuz weve never heard the originals so we’re in the same boat as the amazingly flexible and far-too-energetic teens.

how can my head still ache at 3pm? how can the Bears only be a touchdown underdog when noooooone is picking them to win outside of this blog?

by the way, over at LAist we’re giving away a cd six pack to the winner of the Pick the Super Bowl Score and Devin Hester tie breaker — so enter.