its true im an ordained minister.

i could marry you. or visit you in jail. or officiate your funeral. but i probably wont do any of those things.

im a pretty bad ordained minister.

i would preach that easter is the day that the Lord said and for my last trick…

i would tell everyone that easter is the day that we begin to learn what it means by if you had the faith of a mustard seed you could move a mountain.

i dated a girl who told me that maybe there isnt a football team in LA so i wouldnt be distracted on sundays.

her vagina had no odor whatsoever.

angels, i tell you. all around us.

some people see police in the shadows. or narcs. or murderers. i see sluts.

i see people who have an extra bag of weed on em that theyd feel a lot better without.

and i know you have seen them too.

i would tell people, after the football games had ended, that the world is tilted over because we have too much greatness, too much sexy, too much love. but we dont have enough faith which is why we cant move the mountains to balance out the love.

i wouldnt have altar boys.

id have robots.

and i wouldnt have a collection plate.

because for some reason i dont remember Jesus ever asking for money from people in church of all places.

so its 420am on Easter morn. Lent was over 4 hours and 20 minutes ago. how do i know? because i went to jack in the box 4 hours ago and got a chicken bacon sandwich, two tacos, a coke, And curly fries.