bill o’reilly hates the first amendment

sometimes its actually funny to watch this man pretend that he knows more about the law than actual lawyers.

does he argue simply to argue?

does he have a strange belief that if he says it’s no so enough it will stop being so?

but more specifically, for such a flag-waving patriot and broadcaster for many years, how on earth could he be so ignorant about the first amendment even when his own fox news cohort is telling him hes flat wrong?

six years ago yesterday this blog ruled

example #7 The Lying Hat

was checking out last night’s conan on comedy central while eating my chinese leftovers at my desk for lunch when my boss’s boss, this super dooper hot black woman who looks like a young whitney crossed with a younger vanessa williams, tapped me on the shoulder.

sonny, come with me. she ordered.

trailed her as she made her way to the elevators. everyone knows her. looked like everyone had some business with her.

“we never got that approval from IT,” someone shouted at her.

“tell em to call Phil.” she’d yell back.

“the houston guy says that he doesnt want to do it for under a thousand,” some complete babe smiled at her.

“tell him it’s three hundred or we’ll get it from mexico.”

i loved this woman. and she did it in heels!

we got on the elevator, she put her key in, turned it and pressed a button that ive never pressed before. B2. second basement. property room. otherwise known as the evidence room. at the xbi we dont really have “evidence,” we dont really go to court as xbi agents. we just have stuff that we’ve collected over the years that we use to get either more stuff or people or use as bribes or blackmail, extortion, etc.

ding. door opened. she smiled at the two guys who opened the door for her. that led down a little hall with a thick door and a tiny window. we could hear a phone ring in there. then the door opened. two more guys opened the door and had us each sign a sheet that hadnt been signed in two days. names id never seen before. when i handed back the pen, i was given a pair of rubber gloves and i snickered.

“one joke, sonny, and these two gentlemen will hold you as i pummel you,” she said. thats when they snickered.

i thought to myself, “you dont have to have them hold me down, baby.”

“i heard that,” she said. and tapped her esp earpiece.

creeped out, i started humming “hot in herrre.” by nelly, b.

stepped into one of the many evidence rooms. was instructed not to touch anything, a beanie with a propellor on the top cuaght my eye and i put it on as i followed her down the aisle.

she turned around and i prentended everything was fine.

“take that off immediately, agent.” she said.

“take what off?”

“thats a Lying Hat.” she warned.

“then it’s worthless cuz ive never told a lie in my life.” i said.

and the propellor started to spin and a tiny toy monkey appeared from within the propellor’s center, did a little jig, and just as quickly, retreated back into the cap.

“im here to ask you your advice on this new item,” she said. i kept the cap on. i wanted her to love me.

“this,” she said, “is 2-minute Acid.”


“yes.” she said. “it works for two minutes and wears off.”

“i dont think theres any use for that.” i said.

my propellor spun and the monkey appeared and began breakdancing, finished with a headspin and sunk back into the cap.

“you’re going to wear out the batteries.” she said.

i took off the cap and she said, “no, no, no. leave it on. you look cute in it.”

so i left it on.

deep down i think im a dick.

i used to think that deep down i was a boring ass, but im starting to think that deep down in just a huge jerk.

the problem is i have no patience. maybe because i think the earth will be destroyed any minute. maybe because i think the earth should be destroyed at any minute. this fall is the only exception because this fall the cubs are going to win the world series.

theyre going to win, mostly because lou pinella is a bigger dick than dusty baker.

theres lessons to be learned from dusty. mostly that nice guys finish third.

so the question is, do you want to be liked, respected, rich, semi famous, but ultimately the bridesmaid to the anaheim angels of anaheim or do you want to be the champ, even if being champ means you might have to piss some people off. jesus included.

one of my heroes was billy martin. he didnt care who he pissed off. but the little bastard won. he got fired constantly. he got in literal physical fights all the time. he was booed. he was hated. but he won.

joe torre is not one of my heroes. he had more talent than probably any leader since the ’85 bears, but he couldnt win when it mattered. its interesting to see what he will do in the post season with the dodgers, if he can bring that team there, but something tells me that hes too soft.

my real hero is my old band director. he taught me what 100% meant. he was at 100% all the time, and he exemplified leading by example. he had us marching on a 100 degree parking lot during our summer vacation and he yelled at us from a scaffolding but for some reason i never ever ever considered him a dick. others did. but i got it. almost immediately. and the entire time he was all, this wont get you to state, but this will.

and when we got to state at the end of fall, we wiped the floor with the soft bands. utterly destroyed them.

i like being on the side of the 85 bears. i like being on the side of the marching band of doom. i like being on the side of the daily nexus winning every award and collecting them in dresses. id like to do it without being a dick, though. but im not 100% sure its possible.