drinking a beer, wearing a dress, and stealing Christmas gifts

Tennessee, you’ve done it again

right now Karisa is throwing a Festivus party at her work.

theres a pole, there will be feats of strength, but what i am really curious about is the Airing of the Grievences.

damn do i have some Grievences to Air this year, lemme tell you.

the first being that i dont even know how to spell grievences.

then theres the whole Haloscan commenting system that pretty much has ruined this blog.

then of course theres the time change / jet lag situation that has me up till 4:45am every night.

but tonight im drinking with Jessica (Miss Elgin 2009) and Erin (oak park mastermind) so maybe we can erect a festivus pole at a local tavern and dance around it. or something.

was it got a shopping mall

we didnt even get the mall, the town two towns over got the mall, but same diff.

yesterday my mom and i went to said mall, 100 years later, to do some last minute Christmas shopping. parts were sad. so sad. like the empty stores in the mall.

some parts were just weird, like the pet store called Furry Babies where the puppies were kept in cribs

and the workers dressed up like nurses assistants and had to wear scrubs.

also weird was the glow in the dark / black light indoor mini golf place, that made me wanna do acid. mom didnt like it when i told her that.

i didnt like it that the only real book store in the place was closing, and all that was left in the “African-American” section was a book about how great Clarence Thomas is/was and a book by Larry Elder. Even for a buck no one wanted those things.

found a couch that made me wanna get married so i could build a mancave.

why get married first? cuz a single man with a mancave is just a pathetic fellow.

wanna know what else is pathetic? that this is so delicious, but my nutritionist would be so disappointed in me for eating it. all. especially the garlic butter cheese grits.

Christmas isnt about malls, it’s about the Baby Jesus.

but you really cant sit on a baby’s lap and take a picture in front of a corporate record store

and if all youre selling is cookies, its hard to beat the pretzel place whose putting cinnamon, sugar,

or pepperoni on their pretzels. so keep that in mind.

from the land of hunting hoodies, peace out

im the worst son, brother, uncle, boyfriend, ever

im not a bad exbf.

but im a bad friend, neighbor, backseat driver too.

i realize this when i come home to chicago and i analyze and critize everything that everyone here does.

i wonder aloud how they even get anything done using the processes that they demonstrate in my presence.

but in truth theyve done just fine here.

with out me.

and theyre probably happy that i left them in peace a long time ago.

heres some more pics of animals.

speaking of, name one son who laughed at his mom when she called Toys R Us looking for Zhu Zhu Pets crap?

hint: his name rhymes with bolongna

omg now shes trying to fax things on our home computer.

i keep looking around for a building to jump from, but we live in the suburbs, where its snowing

so even if i did jump off somewhere id only land in adorable powder.

i love my mom so much.

this morning she made me grits and eggs and toast.

i told her about the site This is Why Youre Fat.

i told her im submitting my breakfast.

shes the best mom ever

why? because she didnt slit my throat last night as i was sleeping.

so great

but i have a feeling that if i just took and posted pics of my sisters puppies

no one would mind one damn bit.

am i right?

thought so.

when i was in school i obsessed about having a girlfriend. and even though ive had amazing ones, truly spectacular ones, i soon discovered how different they are in reality compared to the dream.

infact the other day someone reminded me how when we first kissed i told her she was a bad kisser. in truth she just couldnt live up to how i was expecting it to be: all fireworksy and magical and awe-inspiring. fortunately her kisses would accomplish those levels later.

but this Christmas the only thing i really wanted was a really nice camera. i mean really nice. like damn near professional. i work with professionals and they were all, you need this one that cost $5k, others said nah you can get away with one that only cost $3k but you’ll need a $1k lens. so i saved up, but then my car nearly exploded, then i got suckered into flying to toronto for new years, then i remembered i had to buy gifts for lots of cool people.

so i gave up on the one thing i wanted, and was totally cool with just getting it later once everything blew over.

and then i got to chicago and santa had something waiting for me. and he said i had to open it early so i could get this entire trip documented.

and friends, it was exactly what i wanted. a canon d7. i was shocked.

i was so shocked i was almost sad. it was almost like getting the kiss from the prettiest girl in school well before you knew what to do about it. i felt instantly terribly guilty. i felt super undeserving. i suddenly felt like there would be no way for me to master the amazingness that this beastly tool could muster.

i didnt take it out of the box for a good half hour out of just pure awe of what it all embodied.

strangely it didnt come with a memory card, but i bought one on the way to my sisters house and i took some pics of her adorable kids

and these four semi-cute puppies in her kitchen

and here it is 4:04am and i cant fall asleep because i dont wanna wake up and find out its all a terrible dream.

see, i would have trusted the American doc who said all was well

im very very very relieved that matt and em got a second opinion en france

but four omg puppiez for pre-Christmas

and because we have new comments at the busblog

and because meredith j mistletoe asked for it

and because we need to test out the new comments

and because i dont think the Facebook Connect is working (and if it doesnt, use ur twitter account or something else (try them all!)

i will allow you to Ask Tony today

which will be the Last Ask Tony of the year

so help a brotha out and lets test this new comment dealie

sorry mom.

her favorite show is the Mentalist

today i told her they had been filming at our building last week, and i had taken a picture for her,

she said “Wow!!!!! Simon baker is my favorite!!!!! I am watching reruns of the Guardian, also.”

24 has filmed there recently, and some of the new Playstation 3 ones, and Flash Forward…

i ran into Rihanna in the elevator a year and a half ago because she was visiting her boyfriend who was filming what is now called “Takers“.

wonder when that’ll come out.