today is danielle and flagrant’s birthday,

two of my favorite bloggers.

i wish their birthdays were on separate days so i could give shouts out to them in a way that best suits them, in their own spotlight, since they are both talented young women who deserve and demand their own spotlight,

but they effed up and decided to make it to planet earth on this day 25 years ago. so hi.

ive never met flagrant disregard and in a way im sorta happy about that. i like mystery. and i like people to know that i like them just for who they are, or in her case, who she appears to be. its sad she hasnt blogged all year this year because she used to be a wonderful and committed blogger, but she has an unusual life and when you have a life it sometimes gets in the way of your blog.

either way i love her and i wish her the best and i want her to know that i think about her and i hope that she has a great day today.

i have met danielle k berkely and for a short period of time we hung out every working day. twice a day. she is the essence of hotness. she is the funniest girl you will meet. she is everything shes cracked up to be and her armpits smell like rainbows.

people ask, why havent you two ever reproduced and i tell them its because i like mystery, and i like some people to know that i love them just for themselves. danielle has a style like no other. if she was part lesbian i would marry her but she doesnt like girls. she and karisa share that fault and its a good thing because if either of them did i would have to rearrange my life so i could marry them both. which would be a bummer since i like not being a millionaire.

because i like mystery.

danielle is the furthest thing from mystery. i knew everything about her the first time we ever spoke – it was a long conversation. she was honest and funny and trusted me and everything that i gave her she gave right back.

the fact that she hasnt found true love, or even a decent boyfriend, in the last few years is a testament to the fact that life is so not fair, and that men in san diego have no taste and no courage and dont deserve her rainbow flavored pits.

she farted once and a butterfly came out.

if you met danielle and didnt know her youd think that she was some fancy music producers girlfriend or some scumbag yuppy’s girlfriend or the hottest lipstick lesbian ever. youd never think that she was single. youd never think that she doesnt have cable tv unless its tennis season. youd never think that shes addicted to buying old school bicycles on ebay.

and youd never guess that she has one of the depressingly beautiful blogs on the blogosphere.

but in a way it shows you that it doesnt matter how gorgeous you are, how smart you are, how funny you are, how fun you are, it does not guarantee that you will find a mate whose perfect for you. and maybe thats the reason that the Lord has hardened the hearts of the good men of san diego instead of hardening their loins. to show us that we all have a bear to cross. for everything there is a season, and this is the season of the new vibrator.

there have been sagittariuses in my life at every point of my life. and although i do my best to avoid them theyre always there. i shy away from them because there is usually something very odd about them. a small part of them is intensely weird. sometimes more than a small part. but most of the time theres something intensely amazing about them thats irresistable.

that goes for my sister, jeff the singer of tsar, and our two birthday girls flagrant and danielle. when you have your beers tonight, raise a glass to our girl in san diego and our mystery woman in the valley. they deserve it.

the mcrib is back

after my last physical, my doc said my saturated fats were a tad higher than they should be.

i asked, so instead of going through drive thru three times a week, i should only go once a week?

he said, exactly.

so today after work im going to go to mcdonalds, get a mcrib extra value meal, no onions, no pickles, and im gonna down that sucker like its a hundred dollar steak.

because to me, there really isnt a much better treat that one can get in a drive thru than a mcrib, fries, and a coke.

yesterday i tried to be good. i was at a cuban place and i ordered scallops. what could go wrong?

it appears that they put a whole stick of butter in their pan when they make the scallops, which is fine by me, but across town my nutritionist was scowling.

i had woken up hungover and the nfl pregame show wasnt helping cuz everyone yells on that show. so i took two alleves and drank some water.

about 15 minutes later i was nautious and 15 mins after that i was hurling. strangely all that came out was the water, but my neighbors probably thought i was having a baby in there.

it wasnt until 230 that i actually got anything more than a banana in my belly and it was those scallops and rice and plantains and black beans. and a coke. a regular coke, from the fountain. all carbonated and beautiful.

30 minutes after that lunch/breakfast i was on top of the world.

then at night i ran for an hour. 5.2 miles around hollywood at midnight.

theres nothing like it.

im hungover, america

karisa loves kathy griffin – who knew? last week she was all, are you gonna be in town thanksgiving weekend? i was all yup. she was like would you go see kathy griffen with me thanksgiving saturday?

turned out the d-lister had a friday and saturday show at the Gibson (formerly the Universal Amphitheatre) so i got to try out my theory that any time there are multiple dates at one location people literally give away their extra tickets for the second show.

karisa wasnt so sure about this theory and insisted that we show up at City Walk early. we get there and theres a long line. ruh-row. i asked the dude in the yellow jacket what the line was for, if it was to buy tickets. he said nope, that huge line is to redeem vouchers for free tickets, then he pointed to the empty line to buy tickets. karisa asked him where do you get the free tickets? he said he didnt know.

so we walked around City Walk to see if someone was passing out free tickets. no such person. so we split up and i went back to the long line to see what i could see. one guy offered me pit tickets for $50 each. hmmmm. no thanks. then this lady overheard me asking other people if they had extras. she had a little girl with her. translating.

thurdy dollares each, she said. i looked at the tickets to see if they were for the right date. what does COMP mean? i asked the lady and the little girl.

twenty dollares each. the lady said. twenty the little girl said. nice translating.

how about 20 for both, i said. total. the lady scrunched her face. as i was leaving she said ok ok. and i gave her the money and we then ate sushi at what was advertised as the best sushi place in LA. ha.

kathy was funny as hell and we got a little tipsy and karisa was all lets try to meet her. so we went to the back stage door. they were letting people in. this one guy was waving people through. so i joined that pack with karisa behind me. one guy with a clipboard said “hes not with our group. AND NEITHER IS SHE!” but rule number 1 of sneak club is ignore all haters.

we breezed through like it was a state dinner and drank some free drinks, met kathy, took some pics. afterwards karisa tried to hotwire a tour tram. and i left my cell phone in her car. of course.

in my most secret dreams im a fancy photographer

i have a french gay dude as my assistant who yells at everyone as to what to do

i also have a drunk semi super model who wears cowboy hats and fuzzy bikinis

she shoots cap guns too closely to people.

her role is to startle people right before i snap the camera

theres the guy with the smoke machine, and the dog who barks, and the lighting lady

and the makeup man and the fat guy with the megaphone yelling step right up

for no reason, to no one in particular

but in one way i want the models to feel totally alienated and at the same time mildly disturbed

it keeps them from acting like models.

i was gonna hire someone to knock on the front door a lot, but i had to pay the man to fix my car.

black friday

the day after thanksgiving, for some reason, is the day everyone goes ape-ish and runs out to the stores in the early morning and spends all their loot on crap they really didnt want (or else theyd have by now). and then they brawl.

some stores were open at 4am and earlier.

we were gonna think about waking up early cuz some places had bigass tvs for as low as $450 – AMERICAN.

didnt wake till 930am, then didnt get outta the bed till noon.

she went her way i went mine and you know the only people who complain that i dont have a tv in my living room are the girls who actually love the bedroom, they just like to front.

went to get my oil changed. passed by a place that said they accept competitors coupons, turned out they didnt. so of course i called them all liars. to their face.

this didnt end well. and i was surrounded by guys a head shorter than me, but they all had wrenches in their hands and evil scowls. of course i had a pocketful of insults for them including ones based on reading skills (as they had signs everywhere talking about price matching, etc.)

but we decided to part ways amicably.

went to Midas. they said sure we will accept this coupon for an oil change and a tire rotation. half hour later they were all whoah woah WOAH. and now i have an estimate for $1,200 to fix the oil leaks, the broken axel, and the desparate need for an oil change.

looks like there will be no tv in the living room this christmas, which is just fine with moi.

greens taters rum n pie

Chris Carnaghi: Why I am continoulsly attracted to emotionally unavailable women? Seems to be a pattern. Also the last 3 grew up with no father figure, meaning they are attracted to men who are also emotionally unavailable. So maybe I like to be a father figure superman savior? Maybe I should only bang bipolar chicks and forget about cultivating a healthy relationship in Los Angeles. Dr. Tony I mean Reverend Tony. Chris needs help. Always living and loving. Maybe I already answered my own question. You seem to have had some pretty solid freindships, gal pals, and sig o’s over the years. Unless you want to lend out Clipper girl I am doomed.

emotionally unavailable women are safe. they usually dress pretty cool too. theyre square pegs. dont try to jam em in your round holes. let them be square. let them be emotionally unavailable. emotions and romance are usually a dangerous combo anyways. leave emotions for sports. and creating art. maybe ive had good long friendships because for the most part everyone allows each other to be weirdos.

Ali M.: Did you know that this exists? I thought it was just a very uninspired dream I had one night.

once again ali youre educating us all in the delicious ways of the extreme. not only do i want a bag of those things, i want to make bean bag chairs out of them.

g/d: please finish sentence: consuming a high concentration of both poutine & Molson Ex makes for a very sorry _______?


zona: name one place I HAVE to go in NYC

theres this italian restaurant right by the brooklyn bridge in manhattan.

totally an old school italian family place like how youd expect.

ah yes, Carmine’s.

i also like washington square park because my mom used to take me there when i was a little baby and now its where people buy weed from jamacians. i find that hilarious.

Andrea: If you were forced to pick a different first name for yourself, what would it be?


meredith r. mistletoe: should I have just one cute lil baby when I grow up or should I have several cute lil babies? this is very important because if I only have the one then it’ll be a big deal what I name it since I won’t get another chance to pick an awesome name.

im not so much in favor of knocking out any more babies. i think all the babies that are here are nice and fine. i like them all. i would like us to start taking care of the babies who dont have mr and mrs mistletoes. i think we should adopt them. and love them, and then name them after members of ac/dc.

First time, long time: What approach would you take to tell the girl who you like, and has been on your mind quite a bit lately, how you feel about her, knowing that, unfortunately, chances are good that she won’t feel the same way back? I’m optimistic, but also realistic. Though I feel like getting it off my chest will be for the best. Oh, and AL/NL MVP picks?

the art of the creepy mixtape is going the way of the dingo. im a big fan of the sweet ass mix cd because if you do get lucky and she isnt repulsed by you then at least you’ll have some sweet jams to bust if she invites you over to her lair. the problem is, the cd usually doesnt do all the magic, you usually have to follow it up with a hand on a knee, some eye contact and a cowboy shirt being ripped off.

raymi: hey guy what’s up?

hey raymi! today is american thanksgiving. so im at my true loves house getting in her way as she makes dinner for me and some of the homeless on her block. shes got some turkey breast, greens, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, crab cakes and god knows what else. i brought over the beer, the pie, and this crazy bouquet of flowers. its super hot here in LA so i have my pants off but the homeless dont care.

monkey: what do you do when someone you care about tells you (seriously) they think they are an alien?

i like people who are open minded enough to think that they (seriously) might be aliens. plus when you think of the wild stuff that we just pass because its too bizarre to deal with fighting, wouldnt it be nice if someone tappped you on the shoulder and said monkey youre not really from this place, youre from a planet where things are far more reasonable, where there arent more jails than schools, where people dont use their planet as a toilet, and where theres not even a chance for the designated hitter rule to work its way into the Major leagues. minors maybe. a planet where you can get decent tickets to a rock show for less than half your rent. i think yr friend is nice. slap em on the ass for me and tell them thats from an orphan from Planet Zip.

adriel: i’m kind of thinking the same as the first question, just switch the sexes. also…do you snowboard??

when i was a lad i skied. a lot. in illinois even. sometimes we’d go to wisconsin or michigan. some of the places were man made. some were female made. some were cliffs, not mountains. when i moved to california, strangely i stopped skiiing even though its super close and way better. and snowboarding just seemed better in the video game.

Joe: How do I go about getting a full-time manservant? I am thinking about someone who holds my umbrella, opens doors, chauffers me around, mixes mojitos, and maybe maintains my bat cave. Ideas?

home depot has everything. just dont forget to tip well.

kristen: why do boys cheat?

boys cheat cuz theyre boys and theyre wild. they probably should be more wild than they are but fatty foods tv and video games have mellowed them out. men dont cheat. men are tempted but know where their bread is buttered. its that inbetween man and boy time when it seems like women have their most difficult time. theres nothing that a woman can do if a boy who looks like a man acts like a boy. only thing you can do is not take it personally. men of today are the result of a darwinian relay race where one aggressive dude passes the torch to another. sometimes the side effects are not the prettiest or most gentlemanly but when they are off-putting its because of our animal nature, which we can try to ignore but its right there. we are animals.