i’ll cruise around the country a few times tasting the local beer. and i’ll ring the church bells. cuz people like crazy presidents who like ringing church bells.

id duck into mtv all the time and tell the kids that they aren’t rocking hard enough, and i would turn to whatever pretty boy is holding the mic and i’ll say who’s your generation’s led zeppelin, boy? and he’ll smile and listen to the people gasping in his earpiece.

and id get to blow shit up and dress like a faker and lie and bullshit the world and get paid doing it.

and if any of you motherfuckers even say shit to me even if i fuck up, i want you to remember how you’ve treated george walker bush who has suckered you into thinking that $1.89 a gallon for gas is a bargain.

you, who called the last one Slick.

i cant believe how many unemployed and underemployed smart people i know.

i want to not have to find bin laden, not have to kill saddam, not have to be smart, and not have to have anyone smart around me.

i don’t want to have to be responsible for the stock market, or education, or crime, or terrorism, or anything.

but i do expect to take credit for winning a “war” from a country that we’ve been defanging for the last twelve years, after we blew em up good the first time.

infact i only want to fight wars against countries where the armies wave white flags and hug my troops in their dusty sandals.

i don’t want any of you saying shit about my drunken daughters or read my lips father who traded arms for hostages and also fucked the economy.

first thing im going to do when i become president is legalize some drugs and abolish the designated hitter.

if the fcc is still around i’ll abolish that waste of tax dollars before the champagne at my inaugural gets flat.

i would not hide behind children like a coward on big issues that concern adults, titties on tv being a lessor one but definitely on the list if for any reason, symbolism.

misidentified email would be ridiculously illegal, with outrageous prison terms if the first 50 lines of the email didn’t scream SPAM in 36 pt times roman bold. yes you have the right to get your message to people, but you don’t have the right to fill the internet with penis enlargement scamolas and pictures of Barnyard Fun for our children to accidentally see.

id put pete rose in the hall of fame, and id put ticketmaster out of business, if not jail.

every child would be issued an electric guitar.

and i fucking swear to you, if any of you even say a word im going to remind you that on may first two thousand and three when the washington post and abc news asked 1,105 americans if they thought the country was going in the right direction, the majority of them said yes.

im expecting you to give me that sort of support.

especially when the assassination attempts begin once i start taxing the rich.

and i will tear down the lights in wrigley, and i will melt them down

and make public urinals from all of them.

alecia is now legal

fuck the bounce pass, fuck the set shot, fuck the underhand free throw, fuck greg ostertag and jeff hornasek, and fuck utah for keeping the name the Jazz after they got up and moved out of new orleans for salt lake.

the utah jazz is the example for mediocraty in sports, and even though jerry sloan was a chicago bull when i grew up there and i went to his basketball camp, and he took a picture with me, and autographed it, fuck jerry sloan for not doing what it took to adjust to magic’s showtime lakers, mj’s triangle offense, the twin towers in san antone, or the new look lakers with kobe and that other guy.

bloggers all over slc should be raising their fists in unison while drinking coca cola and denouncing the stockton and malone era with a hearty fuck you.

my (legitamate) children will never pretend to be the mailman rolling off a high screen in the driveway of our home awaiting a pass as they head for the hoop, and i will be glad. what they will do is walk backwards from the charity stripe in measured steps so that they can attempt a slam like mj.

what they will do is practice their baseline 360s like kobe.

what they will do is pretend to win back to back titles like the admiral Dream.

the only time they will even mention stockton or malone is while taunting their younger siblings who theyve just defeated, mercilessly.

i dont have anything against the good people of utah, dont get me wrong.

some of my best friends are losers.

i do have a problem with owners who see their future hall of famers aging and do very little to help them get the ring that they sorta deserve.

how is it that the dallas mavericks were able to build the great young team that they have in only a matter of years? dumb luck? i dont think so.

couldnt the jazz have gotten some of the clippers that donald sterling was so happy to unload year after year? how come michael wasnt given the royal treatment to join the jazz the way he joined the wizards? why is elton brand playing at staples instead of the delta center?

when you have two superstars who have done nothing but bring class (except for the lame AIDS ignorance that malone spewed when magic announced that he had HIV) and style and grace and muscle to your hapless little team for nearly 20 years, there comes a time when you should feel like you owe them a little loyalty in return via free agents or trades, cuz lord knows the jazz hasnt been able to draft smart in a long time.

here’s their first round picks over the last two decades: 2002 — Ryan Humphrey, Notre Dame; 2001 — Raul Lopez, Real Madrid (Spain); 2000 — DeShawn Stevenson, Washington Union HS (CA); 1999 — Quincy Lewis, Minnesota, Andrei Kirilenko, CSKA (Russia), Scott Padgett, Kentucky; 1998 — Nazr Mohammed, Kentucky; 1997 — Jacque Vaughn, Kansas; 1996 — Martin Muursepp, Kalev Talinn (Estonia); 1995 — Greg Ostertag, Kansas; 1994 — None; 1993 — Luther Wright, Seton Hall; 1992 — None 1991 — Eric Murdock, Providence; 1990 — None; 1989 — Blue Edwards, East Carolina; 1988 — Eric Leckner, Wyoming; 1987 — Jose Ortiz, Oregon State; 1986 — Dell Curry, Virginia Tech; 1985 — Karl Malone, Louisiana Tech; 1984 — John Stockton, Gonzaga.

nice job losing, jazz, now that you have lost your anchors you wont have the misery of losing in the playoffs year after year after year, because you wont make it there any more.

beta blog + hot mass girls + wKen show

anyone who keeps score at a ball game is definitely okay with me.

he also plays really good music in his car. last night we heard curtis mayfield’s greatest hits. it was super great. last time it was the new johnny cash record.

howard’s also got some secret plans he’s working on that im terribly jealous of.

thanks to howard’s generosity i got to formally meet steve smith from smythe’s world, got to hang out with my buddy matt and my pal basart (who i think has a web site, but im not sure if it’s open to the public).

we talked about a wide variety of important topics such as taxing Indian gambling, who the Dems need to nominate to beat Bush again next time, and the importance of laws that actually reflect the real beliefs of the taxpayers and not the made up morals of politicians who say certain things and pass certain laws not because they believe them but because they think they need to say those things to get re-elected.

i had a super dodger dog, nachos, and a diet coke.

we got to witness odalis perez pitch a complete game shut out.

i will forget the fact that dodger manager jim tracy took odalis out of the game with two outs in the ninth.

welch stood up and said, “hey, tracy, boooo.”

basart drank a budweiser from a plastic bottle.

i had a great time.

afterwards we all drank at the rustic where we met up with the beautiful emannuelle, the lovely charlie hornberger, the always energetic oswald q. tyler, and the leader of the free world mr. steve coulter who told me some juicy tsar secrets that made me extremely happy.

when i got home a college girl caught me on the instant messenger and typed some really nice dirty stuff and showed me some nudes.

the only thing that would have made it a perfect evening was if the cubs had won.

maybe next year.

howard owens + steve smith + nothing special web hosting

for the who will get to be linked on the busblog for a month.

i am happy to report that the winner is Allan Karl of the for the sake of clarity – The Digital Tavern. congratulations Allan, and please, everyone go to his site and reward him with your attention.

ah, ebay auctions. i love them. this auction went on for a week which i think is enough time to scientifically study the value of a link from my page. My man Ric from Bitchen took the bidding to a respectable $20, and for that i think you. thank you Ric.

a friend said that i should allow those who bid to get linked at thier highest bid, but since that goes against eBay’s policies i wont abuse their auction.

even though their stock continues to soar.

even though they wont let people auction things like offensive tshirts, and individual playboy mags, or things like wisdom teeth.

i was fortunate enough to meet the winner of this auction as i slurped down my pre Live from the Blogosphere panel discussion that i was lucky enough to be part of.

i believe we both enjoyed the house favorite Slippery Shrimp at Yang Chow in Chinatown, a restaurant i need to re-vist, and a dish that i highly recommend.

so many good things came out of that Blogosphere event. thank you Xeni and Reverse Cowgirl for inviting me.

and thank you all you nice people who i met there.

especially the young ladies who flooded me with little notes with their phone numbers scribbled on.

the bat signal just was illuminated.

back to work.

for the sake of clarity

you do it to me every time.

carlisa from pink cookies came over last night to watch the laker game with me, and eat pizza and drink beer and talk about, shit what did we talk about?

why am i bombarded with the coolest people to hang out with?

why do i get the best readers on the web?

why did the good people of Google slash Blogger send me a care package of love which i appreciate so much you dont even know?

why do barely legal girls continue to call me and chat with me and stalk me even though they have boyfriends and lives and new cars and development deals?

i dont understand any of this, america.

is it a test? are the angels and saints of heaven testing me to see if i will change if im surrounded by the incredibly cool, if it will get to my head, if i will start to think that i actually had anything to do with any of this.

its a little scary because in the dreamworld of college that i was blessed to attend, one of the lessons of good storytelling is to create a character, bestow unto this person all these great things, and then pull the carpet out from underneath him and ruin his life. tragedy. Job. mike tyson. oj simpson. etoys stock holders.

carlisa is the shit. shes sharp as a tack, has always had the best style. im dying to play her one on one cuz she had a hoops scholarship for college and im dying to see how my skillz match up with her.

i was the starting point gaurd on the jv team in highschool. oh yeah.

we were supposed to talk about tshirt ideas but instead we watched howard stern reruns and the laker game. how much better does that get?

carlisa is like many native los angelinos that i have had the pleasure of knowing: super mellow, super smart, totally well balanced and chill.

its almost as if theyve seen it all and instead of becoming negative and jaded about it, theyve bottled it all and turned it into some crazy wisdom and a wild independence.

welch and the whalens have this. i think it’s awesome.

anyways, thanks great pumpkin for surrounding me with these badass souls. it blows me away just about every day.

long live blogger.

pink cookies + ev + jason + shellen

hello, my name is tony, i write little jokes.

i have no hatred for any of you, infact i love you all. not because im enlightened or open-minded, but because im lazy, and its easier for me to accept foreign behavoirs than it is for me to hate them.

i lived in san francisco for many years. now i live in hollywood. hard to throw a rotten egg out a window without hitting a gay in either of those towns.

i also wrote for a college newspaper where the boys liked to kiss one another to freak everyone out. only defense for such an action was to kiss them back with more tounge. strangely, the womenfolk were amused by this behavoir, and maybe a little turned on. also amused (but not turned on) was the California Intercollegiate Press Association who hosted the college journalism awards that we won annually, in dresses.

with that said, it’s safe to say that im not a homophobe.

additionally, it is my belief that people should find love wherever possible.

me, i love to write. i love to experiment with language. i love to play around with ideas and concepts and slang, and hot buttons.

in 2003 you wont see an LA Times columnist say that something is “gay.” Even if something is blatantly gay, you wont read a writer write it.

i think thats fucked up.

similarilly you wont see a writer say that somethings fucked up.

theres a problem there. we have a problem with language and communication. we are so politically correct these days we’ve painted ourselves into a corner where everyone is a victim to anything that comes out of anyone else’s mouth.

when i see things that are fucked up or gay and i dont write it down and present it to you, im not doing my job as a popular blogger.

now, for all the racist, sexist, homophobe motherfuckers out there: hi, my name is tony. please stop being ignorant.

please stop being violent to people different than you.

please stop acting in such a way that people wont let me say that something is gay when i want to say something is gay.

cuz its all gay.

weisblogg + totally awesome

and it’s so nineties.

tonight the lakers are playing. a super hot chick is coming over to eat thai food with me and watch it with me.

this morning an electrician came over to “test” the new electric box they installed the other day.

who the fuck checks shit like that at 8am?

so gay.

what if i was sleeping? what if i was writing? what if i was taking care of business in some way?

what if i was making coffee for the second hottest chick i ever met and i dont even know how to make coffee but im trying to impress her scandinavian bruised ass?

dude knocked on my door and asked me to turn on the porch light so he could see if he was switching off my lights, so he could mark it on the box.

i said fine and laughed.

chick told me that i laugh at everything. that everything is a joke to me. she said i reminded her of the black cosby-ish doctor on the simpsons.

i told her that my coworker said that i was not enough of a disgruntled employee at work.

i told her that he called me far too gruntled, as a matter of fact.

then my porch light when out and i yelled at the dude and he said thanks.

then the toast popped up and she drove me to work.

we got caught in traffic and some asshole started honking at the traffic.

totally gay.

i heart kate + true boy rocks + happy birthday katie’s boyfriend

of the i will link you on my blog auction.

the winner will have his or her blog or web site linked in the upper left where you see “no creativity”‘s link for the entire month of may.

if the winner does not have a blog or web site, and would like me to link something else, i will be happy to do so.

i dont care what it is.

how bad could it be?

if it was really terrible would it be a bad reflection on me? of course not.

similarilly, if it was a super cool blog or website, then people shouldnt look at me in a more positive light. but if you must…

as i lay my head down to sleep tonight, i see the bidding has reached $36. let me say that im impressed.

thats a little more than a twelve pack of mgd, i dont care how bad your local liquor store is ripping you off.

$36 is mighty close, however to the cost of an LA Metro bus pass, which is funny, because i have kicked around the idea of scanning my bus pass at the begining of the month and if anyone wanted to flow the $42, that they’d be linked for a month underneath the picture of the bus pass.

am i making any sense?

its nearly one am. my phone has been ringing off the hook. ive been watching my new favorite show on tivo, mr. personality.

this guy got lewinskied in the mens room by a hula girl and the next day monica herself wanted to judge him for the sole act that she is infamous for.

but oh to only be judged on personality and the opportunity to make a move in a dark basement with a hot bikini girl.

how far would you go?

of course you kiss her, duh, but what do you whisper afterwards.

id whisper, squeeze my arm if you want more

dirty girl

exhibitionist

best thing about these shows is its a bright light on the sad fact that there are very few good guys out there, which makes balding busriding ebayers like me a little more comfortable in our mediocraty.

i read a lot of good blogs today, and one spoke of the possibility of throwing a makeout party, and i say throw it.

if only to give some budding romeo the chance to introduce himself to three blushing girls next to the record player so he can say and i will before the night ends make out with you and you and you

so get ready.

your favorite sorority girl + best redesign + not a slut + full of nothing + nobody

and even though im a Christian minister, and even though im from chicago, im not homophobic.

but i do know when people are acting gay, and im not ashamed to call someone on it.

men do not discuss the sexiness of another man when discussing sports.

if they do, they are acting gay.

that is different than being gay.

there is a lot to talk about when discussing professional sports. the shape of the pitchers leg, in an amorous way, is not acceptable. under any circumstance.

even though the Bible is against same-sex love, i am not against it. in fact it’s one of the ver few lines in the Bible that i have questions about, and confusion.

but i am not confused about what should not be bandied about when bsing about baseball.

girls have it easier. girls can talk about girls. girls can say that girls have cute outfits, how they look good, how their asses look good in clothes, etc.

men may think these thoughts, but if we say them, we are acting gay. and even though there is something fundementally wrong about this, too bad, its the cross we have to bear. in return we get to piss standing up.

similarilly we dont talk about ball players’ buttocks, hairstyles, moustashes, muscles, pearly white teeth, cold blue eyes, upper body, lower body, bellies, voices, or lips.

we can talk about batting stances.

we can say mo vaughn has a big fat ass. but youre best bet is just to allow the obvious stay that way.

when in doubt do what harry carey would do.

harry wouldnt talk about mark prior’s legs, or mo vaughn’s ass, he would see a pretty woman and say, “miss chicago is in attendence today i see.”

thats not gay.

i say this, of course, on a blog, on the internet.

gayest fucking thing ever.

nina + que sera sera + sane libs + id go with her

im feeling on top of the world. maybe its due in part to the girl next door and my drunken exploits on friday.

maybe its due in part to the dustiny thats going on on the northside of chicago.

maybe its due in part to all the nice comments that people leave me here day after day after day rooting me on as if i was a marathoner which i am running one legged like a do cursing all the way like im apt to.

maybe its just over due.

hot babe came over the other day wearing some sweet shoes, so dazzling that i sorta wish i had a fetish.

like most people i have my fetishes. i have a hand holding fetish. i have a fetish for girls with really high voices and sorta sultry low ones. i like accents too. is that a fetish?

i dont think i have any damn fetishes.

i dated a girl in college who only wore catholic girl skirts when she’d come over to my house. i gave that girl anything she wanted. she wanted me to take her virginity though, and i wouldnt do that. i still think you should love the person you do that with and i barely knew her.

all i knew was she knew what i liked and she wanted to get rid of it and she thought that i was the best man for the job and once again someone was wrong about me.

but not by too much.

i have a fetish for smart girls. i knew this girl who would talk to me about how she was upgrading her computer and it got me crazy.

i think im just crazy.

i know im crazy.

i want to be crazy.

all these people are talking about how great coachella was, im crazy to have missed it.

sevenblock + mouche + mcblogger