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what do i want in life?

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i want people to be happy.

i hear a lot of stories. i dont consider myself a very good listener. but for some reason people want to tell me things.

i hear a lot about how bad peoples childhoods were. or how bad certain moments were. and those traumatic moments stuck with them in a more dramatic way than their happy moments.

when i think of my childhood i think about riding my bike anywhere i wanted, being an all-star shortstop with a huge afro, getting walter paytons autograph in the nicest way, playing the saxamaphone and then drums, roller skating, kissing diane and her sister heather at the same party

swimming, playing tennis, golfing in a giant field, sledding, running, jumping, climbing, reading, listening to the radio

the only negative thing i can think of is not being able to watch the 1975 all star game because i didnt want to eat my vegetables.

so when i hear some of the truly messed up stuff that some people tell me it makes me so sad because childhood should not be like that

but adulthood shouldnt be like that either.

i hear some stories about that too.

and im like seriously?

i dont think it’s that hard to be nice to each other.  even when i am at my most frustrated, i try to find an angle where we can both agree and then work from there.

the reason i am giving up fighting on the internet with strangers about politics is not that its a waste of time, because i dont think it its

but i do think that communication is one of humans’ superpowers and i dont think God wants us to use that elusive miracle

creativity

to insult each other.

i think he wants us to use creativity for cooler goals.

i’ll let you know how that turns out.

got these girls from american somoa

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beverly hills. outside of the drug store.

do you know how expensive everything is around here? they asked.

i laughed.

i said, you might be in the most expensive square mile in all of the usa.

they argued that maui might be right up there too, but they didn’t expect what they just had seen on Rodeo Drive.

i said, i think of it more as an art project. a game. a huge fakeout ballet.

we will put these things here and see if someone actually does the thing.

like when some guy developed a $1,000 iphone app, back when apps were just starting.

for a grand all it did was show an image of a gem and if you clicked it, these words appeared

i am rich, i deservd it, i am healthy and successful.

apple took it down after a day.

but in that day eight people bought it.

we drove and i told them about how to ride the bus, where Santee Alley is, and where they should stay in Las Vegas, which was their next destination.

about half way through the ride i turned the heater on even though it wasnt very cold.

they thanked me the most for that.

and tipped me two dollars.

fakers always quit

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theres a youtube celebrity jackass named Logan Paul who fell into the trap of

instead of shining his fleeting light on others

chose to constantly try to one-up himself by being more and more obnoxious

and extreme

than all the other youtube jackasses including his jackass brother.

he did it by visiting japan and instead of showing his millions of fans

the beauty and culture and magic of the island

he instead took a walk inside the Sea of Trees

otherwise known as the Suicide Forest

which his cameras caught living up to its name.

when he posted the deceased hanging from a tree, the internet backlash was quick and sure.

it roundly called the 20something Paul an asshole

and he shot a video apologizing and then said he was going to take a little break from posting on youtube.

which, to me, proves that he is a faker.

a real youtube star never abandons his post.

did Tolstoy stop writing novels when his life got hard?

did Woody Allen stop making films?

not even death could stop 2Pac from rolling out hits, but Logan Paul,

the moment he becomes actually interesting

BY CUTTING THE BULLSHIT AND BEING REAL

logs off like a bitch.

this process that he is going through of wrestling between

Should I Stop Being A Clown

and

When Can I Go Back To Being a Worthless Clown

if done in a realistic manner, could be beneficial to the viewer and youtuber alike.

Van Gogh painted through this problems, not because of money money money

but because he was a painter.

all of these people who quit doing the thing that they allegedly are omg soooo awesome at

to me, seem like they were only in it for the money.

which is the most jackassy thing to be in it for.

the lottery jackpot is a half billion dollars

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which means it’s time to play, what would you do with the money if you won?

first id get some new shoes. nothing fancy, just some cream colored pumas with a orange stripe.

next id like to turn this abandoned building into a Dental Express. Cleanings are $20, examinations are $25, extractions are $50, flossings are $10.  sometimes people just want a good cleaning and don’t want to be pressured in to Full dental care. if they want or need more serious work we’ll tell them to go to a real dentist. will it undercut some real dentists? some. but the clients will mostly be people who are not seeing a dentist at all. and this might get more of them to do just that.

id also like to start a fleet of ice cream trucks. but it’s only for adults. the truck will come around and in exchange for a nice scoop of something you give the dude a coat or a sweater, which will then go to the needy. or you can give them some bottles of water, bread, fruit, medical supplies. the idea is people would donate more, but you have to make it convenient and it’s always nice if you got a little something in return, like a candy bar or an It’s It.

next will be a chain of purple motels where everyone has to leave by noon. one day stays. if you wanna stay longer you have to bring your sheets and towels to the next room to the left. yes there may be some rotations happening, but the cost is only $34, after the greatest football player ever, Sweetness.

6 easy things a Rideshare driver should do this week

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1. Take a picture of your odometer – Most drivers will get a deduction based on how many business miles they drove. You’re going to want a few things at the beginning and end of the tax year and one of the most important is proof that you started the year at a certain mileage and ended it at a certain one. Two pictures will help your case. The other is…

2. Get SherpaShare. This is an invaluable mobile phone app for drivers as it tracks any time you are in a car. It tells you the time, date, route and gives you a little map.  I’ve used it for two years now and it is well worth the $60 a year. It is ironclad proof of your journeys and helps you with your most important expense.

3. Give your car a great bath inside and out. You should detail your car about 2-3 times a year. They, too, are write-offs and the first of the year is a great time to start fresh with a clean moneymaker.

4. Make sure your dashcam is working. The dashcam is a great investment, less for protecting you from your passengers (which it may do), but mostly for capturing how opposing drivers interacted with you. If someone hits you, it’s great to have proof that you were not at fault.

5. Clean out your glove compartment. Totally. Take everything out of there. And clean it. You should only have three things in there, even if you’re just a part time driver: A regular envelope that contains your car registration and your proof of insurance. A large envelope marked 2018 for any receipts you might get when you buy things for your car in cash. Use the rest of the space for small water bottles for your passengers. Now if anyone ever asks for water – or God forbid you get pulled over by the police – you can get into your glove box quickly and have exactly what they need and you don’t look like a crazy hoarder.

6. Now is the time to find a great tax professional. If there’s one thing Al Capone could teach us all it’s DON’T MESS WITH THE I.R.S. Is $400 a lot to pay for a tax person? It might feel that way, but there’s a good chance a real tax pro can save you a few hundred dollars — legally — since they know all of the ever-changing code and since they do this Every Day. Ask yourself how you feel any time a passenger chimes in to tell you the best way to get to the airport? Don’t you want to say, “dude I’ve done this dozens and dozens of times. Why don’t you sit back and just enjoy the ride”? Now ask yourself, aren’t taxes a smidge more complicated than getting to the airport on a busy day?

Bonus for those in LA: My tax person is Michaelina Lee. She works for H&R Block in Mid City. I pay the regular fee plus the extra $40 “Piece of Mind”. Last year the IRS wanted to audit me. Thanks to the piece of mind, H&R Block totally took care of it and if they were off THEY pay, not me. She has done the taxes of tons of rideshare drivers and knows how to do it properly. If you are near Wilshire and Highland you should email her at michaelina.lee@tax.hrblock.com

Have a great 2018!

i drove from midnight to 3:30am, made two mistakes

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when i told my mom i was driving on new years eve she said

NO!

theres drunks, druggies, freaks, bad people, hookers, pimps, and worse: the underaged experimenting with drugs and alcohol for one of the first times

but i drove. first to ambers hotel to drop her off as she worked the dreaded graveyard shif

and then to the Cafe’s 50 on Santa Monica to read the bible from 11pm until the midnight hour, for several reasons including

i love the bible
i hadnt read it yet
and there i was about to drive on sorta Sunday night, but technically Monday morning, but i was nervous because its written there right in stone, dont work on the sabbath. but does that end when the ball drops? would the Lord understand? am i being greedy? am i being lazy since i barely drove all week and there i was doing it on sunday night / monday morning simply because the rates would be very high for a few hours?

i read. it was about Saul chasing David through the wilderness as Saul’s son did what he could to protect David. it was beautiful. some say they were gay for each other, and i could see how you could see that.

midnight i was off. 3x surge, four very loud very annoying pretty young women in short dresses, faux furs and Face Time rolling.

one in the back seat got a FT from this handsome young man in San Diego who was trying to convince her to meet halfway in Orange County. i was all, “i’ll drive!”

he promised her steak dinner, she said yeah fool Maestros get up here!

there was much confusion. horns blaring on his side, criticisms being blared on her side from her friends.

eventually we made it to Culver City, but not soon enough if you ask me.

already i could see the roads were going to be packed of buzzed drivers and bad uber/lyft dudes.

my next ride was a $45 lyft premium ride from Baldwin Hills to Inglewood and then a $44 lyft premium from the Dave Chappelle show at the Forum over to El Segundo. on that one the woman wanted to go to Del Taco but her husband, bless him, was all, no no, theres food in our hotel lobby. we settled on iHop.

right there i shoulda said, “i just made $100 in an hour. go home. you’re safe. no one puked. you werent in an accident. ”

but of course i didn’t listen to myself. who quits the super bowl in the 1st quarter?

around 2:45am, after driving little short deals all night in beverly hills, and two cancellations, i got a ping to the Soho House.

theres two places to pick people up there, on busy Sunset or on the narrow side street next to the garage. so i called as i approached and he was sorta mumbling, which is a RED FLAG to avoid avoid avoid especially at that hour because it means hes drunk or on drugs or up to something.

he was drunk.

and he took his boots off immediately.

and thank god passed out half way there.

but when we got there he didn’t know where he was and didnt want to get out.

frail little pup who claimed to work in the fashion industry. his cigarette broke as he gathered his things, but when he called his friend who’s house we were in front of the worst thing ever happened.

“my phone died. i don’t know where i am. i want to go home.”

huge problem because i had already ended the ride and they dont let you re-book with a passenger because they dont trust such things. also we were close to my house, it was late and i did not want to go anywhere else with this dude, who i could tell, was VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT HE DIDNT PUKE IN MY BENZ

so i charged his phone for him as my flashers blinked and cars had to go around us

and waited and waited, cursing my life choices.

it charged. he called. and the prettiest black girl i have seen in a very long time comes waltzing out

with a scruffy white dude.

they collect my passenger.

i clean out the back set of trash.

and call it a night.

Lesson: I should have just kept my Lyft on exclusively. it was paying better and on a night like that more Lyft passengers were out and drunk and not caring about price.

it’s 80 degrees outside. it’s not even noon.

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im probably gonna go for a little hike because the rest of the country is freezing and

i have just so many podcasts to get through.

jk

the one thing that friends and coworkers have asked me about in 2017 is

when will i have a podcast.

while it’s true that i am an incredible conversationalist

and i love LA deeply, all of it, and i know some interesting los angelenos

and we are missing a huge chunk of LA stories now that we are in a post-LAist, post LA Weekly world

i have always been slow to jump on a bandwagon.

and doesnt it seem like everyone has a damn podcast?

and doesnt it seem like theres maybe one or two worth a damn in the whole wide world?

sure those are some of the things that people said about blogging during the blog boom of ’03

but i think there is something magical about the hyperlink

that a cast will never achieve.

also in the next coming years i wanna do something big.

is a second rate radio show something big?

developing…

 

did madonna meet elvis, did luke love laura

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did this beautiful blog, a peace symbol between canada and america hit its lowest ebb in 2017?

didnt we all?

over the last few days amber and i have seen a bunch of movies, ordered too much sushi pizza

and last night spent my christmas gift card on an electric kettle, buck fifty glade candles and tube socks.

etienne once put as many of my white socks into a bag and set them on fire in an unforgettable face time.

when i got home i showed her that those were simply the ones i was going to turn into a sweater

and i had two drawers dedicated to over the calf

and to the knee.

but time goes on and you really should recycle out all the old socks in your life.

so i bought a good dozen, a couple new pillows,

some cheese

and a thick roll of duct tape for the washer dryer im doing things with.

got some half price christmas lights for her little makeup room and you know what, LED lights arent very bright.

which makes two of us.

what if you had your little raft

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and you successfully ran away from home

you and your bff Jim

and while others were getting stuck in the weeds

or eaten by alligators,

you got the mellow streams and the gorgeous vistas

and you think river rafting running awaying

is a super cool chill ride.

when later someone says, dude i couldnt even get an oar in without some freaky prehistoric beast eating it

can you really give that person advice?

yes.

you can say go down this route.

do this one thing.

try these metal oars.

but when you say it you should say it nice because gators can freak some people out pretty damn bad.

dropped off my computer at this joint on Hollywood that says they can transfer my old hard drive to a portable drive

and its been there two weeks now and they called me to give me an update on it

and im thinking to myself how hard is it to get Stuff A over to Place B

but then i think about huck finn and jim

and those swirly dark shadows on the side of the river

 

and maybe life isnt as easy for some as it might as have been with you.

so be cool.