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i am the most basic bitch

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i still have cable tv. i still miss my mtv. even though i listen to jazz on sundays i couldnt tell you four miles davis records let alone four white piano players.

i try but i am Joe Sixpack who fortunately moved to LA at the right time otherwise id have 2.4 kids and a four bedroom 3 bath house with a messy garage in suburbia right now, id be fatter and balder and seeing possibilities with Mitt.

but like i said the Lord nudged me west and opened my mind so you can all get inside

when i landed on this coast in the mid 80s, one young woman after another told me i was on the wrong path;  that i was steering into sexism and stupidism and lazyism, and god bless them for calling bullshit because my dude friends sure as hell never told me those things.

so here we are in the future i never expected. a world without mtv. dumbest president ever, voted on by the most gullible 60 million plus some russian bots. only music can tame this wild beast so after seeing this glorious write up in my favorite paper, i told the gf that i bought tickets, in cleveland, to listen to classical music in that gorgeous setting.

she was all, fuck yeah.

until i learned that the stones are playing that same night here in LA. what to do? the Stones are olllllld. there can’t be that many more chances to see Keef and Mick bouncing around. they want my money and i want to give it to them.

do you know how many times i say Siri, play Some Girls?

all the times. do you know i devoured keiths book? how much i love how they took black music and immersed themselves in it and washed it behind their ears and let it seep into their nooks and crannies and marinated in it album after album in the early days and then, as if it was like magic, 1967 appeared and out came the perfect swirl of brit pop, american r ‘n b, and lsd. her satanic majesty’s secret sauce.  the perfect storm. the storm before the storm because boom boom boom one classic after another.

will this tour be a celebration of experimentation and exploitation?

no. it too is living in the future they never thought would exist: selling out stadiums in their mid 70s.

but everything is possible in this brave new world so when i said baby the Cleveland show i wanna go to is the same day as the Stones show, what do we do?

she said, “lets go to Cleveland, ive already seen the Stones. And you have too, several times.”

and my mind was blown because once again a delightful woman had gently advised me that i buy in to the hype time and again. i am the most basic of bitches. the most gullible of guppies. i am Joe Sixpack, quietly being led to the slaughter.

amber enjoys filling my schedule with outings

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i explain to her that i am working on something

that quite literally may save another person’s life.

and she’ll say, so you *don’t* wanna go to the HBO Holiday party?

you don’t wanna have thanksgiving with firefighters who could have died

you dont wanna go to the dirtiest fashion show of all

you dont wanna take in a twisted art show?

you dont wanna go to roaring 20s bash at a high class haunted hotel?

i tried to tell her a long time ago that i am older than i feel

i have traveled through time back and forth and theres very little under the sun that i have not seen

plus i love wearing pajamas and rarely get invited somewhere where thats the dress code

the one exception is Bree invited us to her place for a Sunday morning pajama party brunch.

i think that because shes pregnant she’s not crazy with the limited amount of clothing options that she has, and she wants a party, thus PJs

only problem is Da Bears play on Sunday mornings and i might be jumping up and down in front of a TV. so lets hope they move it to a night game and then everyone can win.

amber has the perfect onesie.

i’m a weirdo, i like to see movies at the movie theater

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i have three giant tvs in my tiny apartment

i have surround sound systems and sound bars and sub woofers

i have a beautiful girlfriend who prances around in exotic outfits.

but almost every week theres a movie out there that i want to see and i want to see it in the theater with the latest sound

and in comfortable chairs that i would never be able to afford

and eat popcorn and drink coke and listen to how the audience reacts and then hear them afterwards say this or that.

i always learn something when i go to the movies.

when moviepass dropped their prices down to $10 a month last year i got one for my mom, amber and myself. but because amber has an outrageous schedule, we hardly ever went.

now that moviepass is dunzo (basically) (even though theyre still charging me for something) i sucked it up and bought the AMC theaters $20 a month pass which is good for any movie even the IMAX and 3D ones.

so yesterday i went and saw Ralph Breaks The Internet in 3D.

im seriously thinking about getting a website called shouldiseeitin3D.com because who knows unless you see it.

i really liked the movie but no you dont need to see it in 3D. if anything it’s distracting because its blurry and it takes away from the really good animation.

since you can see 3 movies a week on this plan i might go to another movie tomorrow after church and then sneak into Ralph afterwards to rewatch the second half.

heres the lesson i learned yesterday: tim burton, sara silverman, even johnny depp – weird and creatively wild people. probably wouldn’t pass a drug test. have definitely seen some shit, if not been the ring leader to some shit.

and yet they have made a fortune off Disney and vice versa.

why? because every story needs Edge.

and if you can package that edge in such a way, then it fits perfectly into the Disney formula.

lesson: you are not too weird to sell out and get rich, and it might not even be a sell out.

because the world is bizarre, turns out amber is related to a fire captain

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and because LA is a small town that just looks big on tv, the captain in question lives in thousand oaks

where we went yesterday for thanksgiving

and out of all the people who he wanted to talk and talk and talk to

was me.

and yes yes yes did i have questions.

was it hot?

duh.

was it smokey?

yep.

whats the deal with using prisoners?

inmates volunteer to assist, probably because they just want to be outside and useful instead of locked up all day. but we keep them away from homes and cars, they’re not a threat to other people.

is it true that even if they fight all these fires, they can’t get jobs as firefighters once they pay their debt to society?

yes that’s true, but they can’t be cops either, or even mailmen. it’s just the rules. think about it though, your house is wide open, do you want a guy in prison for theft looking at your wallet in your unlocked house?

how many hours straight did you and your crew work.

about 30.

how many casualties were there in the LA fires?

about 4.

why was the paradise fire so much more deadly?

it was way faster. the wind. and in a more wooded community.

there were other firefighters at this thanksgiving. they told me that they received thanks from people like Vin Scully, Angels Manager Mike Scioscia, Tony Dow from Leave it to Beaver, and Dave Grohl who cooked BBQ for the boys.

despite just finishing fighting the largest fire in southern california history, all of them were in good spirits, attentive to their kids and wives, and down to talk about anything. we watched very little football.

the captain had to eat his Rams tickets a few weeks prior because the fire broke out with little time for him to sell them.

but that wasn’t his biggest fear.

he said that being a fireman, you know youre probably gonna get lung cancer. you inhale all kinds of industrial and bizarre shit. and lots of it. all the time. for years.

and just as quickly the discussion turned to looters, which he had a story about, and how the kid was caught.

it was a lively, fascinating, very warm evening and we drove the slow way home, still smelling the ash of Thousand Oaks on our way back to the Valley.

ran into two young men outside of Target last night

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they said

we’re college students doing a survey about religion, are you a reader of the Bible?

yes, yes i am.

we want to ask you about the Holy Mother. You are aware of the Holy Father, God, and we are His children. If you have the Father and the children, we are here to ask you, “what’s missing”?

i said, absolutely nothing.

they were all, ????

i said, when i was a student, like you two, i asked my mother for an unabridged dictionary. this was in the days before the Internet. dark days when one needed books, volumes of reference materials like thesauruses and dictionaries.

i said, ma, can you get me an unabridged dictionary, one that has at least 300,000 words?

and when the book came in the mail it was not unabridged. it was fully bridged my brothers.

and with it came this note.

she wrote, i love you, son with all of my heart, here are 65,000 words, when you have mastered those, let me know and i will get you a book with 65,000 more. xoxoxox your mom.

and it taught me a valuable lesson, my fellow seekers of Truth, she taught me that often when we think we need more more more we actually need to learn about what it is we have.

i do not think we have mastered our relationship with God, The Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

perhaps there is a Holy Mother. perhaps there is a Holy step sister and a Holy Uncle.

but i think the reason that it’s only the Father that the Good Book is focused on, is because that’s more than enough for humans to chew on right now.

don’t forget, when it was just Adam, Eve, God, the snake and the tree, Adam ate from the tree even though he watched God turn his rib into a woman right before his eyes.

until we have mastered our relationship with God and our fellow man, we need not be distracted by other things.

now go tell that to your teacher.

i just read about the history of malibu

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i now know why it was never made into a movie. it’s so sad.

this man bought a huge bunch of land over there from a widow for 400 pesos.

then a guy bought it from him for ten cents an acre.

then sold it to a guy for a $10 acre. we’re talking 20 miles long and two miles wide.

but that guy died and his wife had to try to fend off squatters and people trying to build roads

and then the government trying to build a highway through it.

what do you do when you have so much land that the government is all, excuse me please?

the first thing they did was she sold one of the sweetest swaths to celebrity interest.

they brought in their own security, local government, food stores and shops.

and then she dynamited people’s attempts at roads.

but it shows you that you can have all the money in the world (she was worth about $700 million) and yet you’re constantly worrying about people infringing on your property,

in this case, early 20th century pacific paradise.

temperate weather, rivers spilling out into the sea, and endless beach.

but theres no way you get to keep it.

maybe thats good.

maybe people shouldnt have so much of the good stuff.

maybe the sharing is the lesson we need to learn.

this food bank keeps texting me

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if you pay $40 they give you two huge shopping cart of food and drink and vegetables and 7 loaves of bread and rice and frozen things like a case of burritos

and everything is about to expire and if you dont buy it they give it to zoo animals who are gonna be fine

aint no one ever heard of a zoo animal dying of starvation.

but still its hard to roll up in there with a benz and fill up the trunk and back seat with food earmarked for the poor but the poor are too poor to drive down there and volunteer for 4 hours or hand over $40

plus amber gets stressed out trying to

  • find room in our fridge for all of it
  • eat it
  • watch it stare at us and slowly age as we try to eat it all

so i was like, it’s just $40, why dont we give away as much as we can on the way home

keeping the stuff we really like

and anything thats left over will probably fit in the fridge.

seriously who needs 200 tortillas and 5 lbs of frozen lox?

lets give it away and we will feel stoked and they will feel stoked and we end up with 6 heads of lettuce

and 22 apples.

she goes, its my day off, please dont stress me out.

i hug her and apologize and then flash my man boobs.

and then the food bank texts me again

this time in spanish

palm reader said listen to me listen

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i was all, im all ears

she said dont hear, listen

i was like

finally she said stop doing all the things of the past

this is the second half

do second half things

i said like cutting sugar out of my diet

she went, yep

and then disappeared

i woke up and this pretty girl was napping beside me

shes seen it all

and yet is so impressed by the simplest things

which is where i come in.

im way into simple.

weed is legal now in the republic of california

if you havent heard the news

so theres this app that tells you thing

and i like to know the things

so i go beep bop boop and it goes, .9 miles from your house

we park by a used dishwasher store, i show the lady my broken washer machine knob

she goes into a file cabinet and plastic knobs are spilling over in there

quickly she says we dont have

we walk out and down the street.

cant find it.

i look at the app for the address

pretty girl says there it is, across the street.

i say no dear the boop boop bop machine says its here and i point at the numbers on a store

and just to the right of it is a storefront with no sign

no words no numbers and the glass doors are closed

although the right door seems to be slightly ajar

so we waked in, and i told the gentleman checking IDs

of course.

turns out they have yoga in there too once a day.

i scream i yell i clap i stand during most bears games

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especially if theyre good which they are right now

i don’t own any bears paraphernalia

but i pay hundreds of dollars a year to see them on tv, happily

and i have since i lived in san francisco.

for a while i would only live in places that allowed for a good clear view of the direct tv satellite in the sky

and in the olden times, not everyone let you have a little dish.

amber came home from work around 4pm and i was finishing up with the bible

i said, ok at 5pm im going devote 100% on this game

which is odd because i can get totally distracted in so many other aspects of my day, but if da bears are on tv im locked in, like solid.

and yet the universe often tries to distract me. amber at 530p couldnt find this or that as she was on her way to a fancy dinner with her work friends

finally i said, too many questions, and shut the door.

but i could still hear her high heels clanking on the hard wood floor.

then near the end of the first quarter my mom texted me.

after the half there was a knock on the door.

am i 6850 del playa? no, postmates, im 6848 and 1/16th!

the bears are playing so well nbc moved them from a morning game to a night game, shouldnt you people be watching?

it seems like it’s only me.