sometimes people want to hook you up with people youre own age.

i met charlotte (pictured) the other day at the glenellen senior suites and villas the other day when i was traveling through north lima, ohio. and she looked pretty good.

sunday she will turn 114.

some say she is the oldest person in the world.

she asked me if i could give her a pearl necklace and i was all, i love taking requests.

so i gave her one.

pictured.

old lady jokes are tough but what isnt tough these days.

my lady friend from last night was waiting for me to get out of the shower and off the phone and she saw an instant message pop up on my laptop, so she answered it.

the chick was the web cam girl from the other night and the lady friend entered into a dialogue with her.

it was pretty hot.

i tried to retrieve it from my cache but this is all i could nab:

missmontreal: you really are gorgeous, and I am not saying that in a hitting on you way

cambabe: Well, I’m hitting on you.

people think that i would get jealous, but it takes a lot to get be jealous.

how could i be jealous? two hot chicks getting into each other? what if one made the other leave me for the one? whatev.

theres so much lust in the world, but so little true love, if two hearts meet via my lil IM window, then so be it.

hopefully they’ll invite me to their lesbian wedding.

its friday america. the day of rock. its sunny today and not that cold, but i bet theres still some slush in the hood, so thats good.

the boss is getting us some pizza for lunch. the ladies are asking me what im doing this weekend, i know what theyre trying to do, theyre trying to get me to ask them in return, but i play dumb and go, not much, writing a novel, writing a blook, staying up late, a lone, waking up early

alone.

the mta says that they will open up some bus service on monday on vermont and wilshire which happens to be my route.

the world is crazy.

remember to dance.

thats what charlotte taught me.

i want to thank virginia for inviting me on her sweet ass radio show. i had such a great time. she is such a good host. i felt very comfortable.

we talked about sex drugs rock drinking college life blogging chicago joliet the cubs california greg mcilvane bil clinton maryland crabbing college radio we even said a few curse words cuz we could.

then i prepared to make my big time announcement and her studio audience made trumpet sounds and i told her and everyone listening on the internet and all the ships at sea that yes i would come out with a sequel to last years best seller, Blook,

and it will be called Blook II: For Your Ass.

and man, did people go crazy.

the girl i was with went crazy, the neighbors started yelling, dogs started barking, people came over and knocked on my door, spotlights got turned on and began moving around, fireworks exploded, elephants stomped, midgets flung confetti,

i even think i heard a twenty one gun salute.

it was so awesome being on the radio last night that it really made me want to get an internet radio show, it really made me want to do something with my life, it really made want to dance around my apartment, which i did. and my lady friend laughed.

then my true love called me and i needed to shower because my lady friend was smiling but you could tell

so i went into the shower and my truest was crying, so i took my shower while on the phone and america its easier than i thought it would be. i just didnt wash my hair.

then ashley called wondering if something on my blog was true and i was all, ashley, come on now.

and she was like, it just sounds like you replaced me so fast, all these girls, all everything.

and i was all, nobody could replace you ashley.

and then jeanine called telling me about axel’s birthday.

and then my lady friend rang her little bell which meant it was time for the smoke machine and the black light.

and the jello

and the aerosmith.

blook 2 will be on sale, next week, here on the busblog, just in time for Christmas.

for your ass

virginia celebrates her blog turning 2! + greg mcilvane’s video called Virginia + pull a tony

lets start with the bad news.

bad news is, if you find yourself in a moment of sadness and you want to write about that feeling, people will start emailing and commenting with words of advice. which is super nice. dont get me wrong. but sometimes a guy just wants to write about how depressed he is, just to vent.

other bad news comes when the guy’s mom reads about how he wants to fling his black helicopter into the side of a mountain. it can be hard to explain to her that what he’s writing isnt literal, that its symbolic, dramatic. its not a cry for help. its just representative of wanting the madness to end. it’s far from suicidal.

people dont realize it, but there is a certain freedom to not having a lot of readers. you can write whatever you want and people wont pay attention and/or freak out. with that freedom comes room to grow. if you want to dwell on the theme of misery for a week or two, you can. if you’re lucky you’ll end up writing a morrissey cd. if youre really lucky you’ll end up writing a cure cd.

im not a sad person, but i can get sad. im definitely not a pessimist, but sometimes i will pay a little more attention to the devil part of my brain that whispers that everything is not going to be ok. and for some crazy reason, sometimes listening to that part will fuel parts of my personality that can write some pretty interesting sad stuff.

and once that is written i become happy and everythings cool beans.

i will never be elliott smith, america.

i will never take a knife and put it into my heart in one motion and die on a floor in east hollywood.

i am a devout Christian. im a minister. the good book says you dont get to go to the good place if you ace yourself.

but i am a normal person and sometimes i get depressed. especially when the cubs lose in the playoffs when theyre up 3 games to 1 with the last two games to be played at wrigley. and i can totally get depressed when i look around at my place of employment and see my alleged talents being taken for granted day after day, year after year.

with that lets talk about the good news of having more than a dozen readers to your blog on a day that youre depressed.

of course the comments are sweet, and thats nice, but i feel guilty, but its still nice.

but then the random stuff happens like you shouldnt be surprised if a new girl, a great girl, asks you if youve ever used NetMeeting. and you say, sorta but not really, and she shows you how to use it, and you get it going and she invites you to see her cam

and there she is

and shes in a robe

and you go, uh

and she goes theres no reason to be sad today tony

and then she removes the robe and dances around a little.

then she says that she would like to call me.

and then i let her call me.

and there she is on the screen in the net meeting window, on her cam, naked little skinny girl, sweet ass, perky bod, shockingly platinum blonde, oh and whats that, boots. she does have some clothes on. boots.

she tells me that im her favorite blog and she hopes she has cheered me up.

and i say yes she has cheered me up.

and she says great is there anything else she can do for me.

and i say yes.

i ask her to marry me.

and she says of course she will marry me.

and that my friends is a true story and it happened last night.

so fuck the democratic national committee for not getting back to me. all i need apparently is the busblog.

thank you blogger.

mom finds out about blog + jim nichols + PlanetKevin

it’s this job. it’s killing me. when i first joined the xbi they said that it would wipe the smile from my face and it’s true.

wanted to slam chopper one into the side of the hollywood sign today. and just when i thought that i got called in cuz it’s raining here in LA, and as great as chopper one is, it fucks up in the rain. i dont know why. i used to care. i dont care anymore.

only problem with such a dramatic end is that the dumbass la times would call it terrorism, i wouldnt get to go to heaven cuz it was intentional, and worst of all it would be the end of the xbi cuz the wrong people would find out what we’re up to.

its not helping that im reading this kurt kobain book.

its not helping that every criminal and his fucking brother is in town right now for some reason.

doesnt matter how much crime we stop or prevent or fuck with. it doesnt matter how many asses we kick or heads we bash or miracles we create or shit we mop up, it never ends. wave after wave.

its like a toilet that keeps overflowing and it stinks and when youre done the lady says that we fucked up her carpet. its like what?

i cannot be in this job come january. thats my new years revolution. i’ll move to georgia if i have to. this place makes me sad and made and it makes me give up all hope.

people ask why i dont send out samples of my writing to newspapers or websites. and they forget that i have done that. ive even gone to lunch and had drinks with some of the biggest entertainment mags in the world. and guess what they reply with. zip.

we dont want your ass, tony.

ideally someone will read this blog, or the site, or an article– or their assistant will and they’ll say, fucking a boss, this is the guy, this is whats missing in all of our shit. and they’ll call me up and they’ll offer me something and it will get done.

thats why i send out these tongue-in-cheek posts to the planet. thats why i write these s-o-s’s to the world.

you are so fucked up if you are the one who has to chase them. so fucked up. they want you to be like everyone else. they want you to be like the associated press. im not like anyone, and im definitely not like the associated press.

how long would hendrix be able to play in the eagles? a day. two days? eagles fans would boo him. im getting my ass booed in the xbi. people like me, but some are like, huh?

they dont get it.

they say, how can you be a crimefighter and you dont want to kill anyone? how can you work for us and you dont want to steal from the thieves? how can you do this work and be a Christian?

and now im saying, shit, i dont know.

i would write for anyone. i would play rhythm guitar for the dumbass eagles with my prince sign o the times guitar and i would sit in the back and waste my life and play c-g-a like a bitch.

this job has made me appreciate sanity cuz there is none here.

its awful.

this chick wanted to netmeeting with me today and i had to say no cuz i was flying back in and she said how about tonight and i said ok and a different girl said i could do her tonight and how can you get those sorts of offers and still be so depressed you just want to take off your helmet and cry in it.

work at the xbi for a while and you will.

i promise.

310-990-7444 + tina + alecia

a sport so dull and pointless that only the fans are worth watching.

a game thats far more interesting when children are playing.

an activity that donkeys can enjoy, with more interesting strategy.

but i do like this idea of pulling down ones pants if youre upset at your boss or the referee.

78. mist

today i had to kill a spider.

he was in my shower.

i dont like to kill anything, which is ironic because at the xbi we have to kill all the time, and now they want to give me a promotion.

i had to kill this spider because he was in my shower and he couldnt get his way out and he kept slipping and i was all, shit man, and i just pointed the water at him and he struggled, and tried to find shelter on a rubber duckey, but then he balled up and got stuck next to a piece of soap and then the current got him and down he went into the drain.

if i hadnt been running late for my ride in to work, i might have picked him up and tossed him into the garden, but as i say i was late for my ride.

so another mta bus strike casualty.

fuckers.

i dont like killing things because i believe that life is a miracle, and the spider doesnt know that its my house. nor do the flies or the ants or the moths or the antelopes.

so usually i open the door and shoo them away.

and usually they tip their caps and never return.

so today i feel so bad about this spider, so i told ben, who has been driving me to work and back, that i will dedicate this blog entry to my little 8-legged dead visitor.

and ben said that it was a good idea

since most spiders who get dead at the hands of a shower dont get any props.

farewell, lil guy.

madpony + dc + kzug

230 hour tivo i forgot to get dave interviewing madonna tonight.

i was busy listening to the new corvids cd that happened to fall off the back of a truck and typing sweet nothings into little hot boxes of honeys who dont really know me.

i saw a few things written about me today on the innernet and its really nice, but if people want to parody me they cant forget about the love i have for my friends. its sick.

a bunch of them make up the corvids, the new sound of rock.

start off with the rhythm sextion of tsar

then get layne and welch in there.

then let axel shred.

simple really.

its real music, america. its what wilco keeps shooting at but misses beautifully.

its what ryan adams would be if he was better lookin and not so sad.

its what tom petty would be if he didnt have so much money and all that pressure of writing another breakdown.

on one of the songs my girl jeanine sings way in the back. she co wrote it. shes so great.

its what the stones would be like if they werent a hundred and if they still hadnt found what they were looking for.

whats so fucking weird about this record is its so smooth it could be on the radio right now and youd never know that it was recorded over the matter of a few weeks, but thats what you get when youre super tight friends whove been making music together since before the cotton gin.

and axel

damnit man.

i played a few tsar songs for this girl the other night before i sent her on her way for being too cute.

and she was all shit tony!

and im guessing its cuz tsar understands the importance of guitar solos.

fortunately so do the corvids.

which is polish for rock hats.

it makes me want to shoot up with ronnie wood and just stare at keith nodding

it makes me want to start a music video channel and then become a video director

it makes me want to steal i mean find a few more of these off the back of that truck and give them away as gifts.

too bad christmas aint any time soon.

too bad theyre not for sale nowhere.

too bad nobody likes good music no more.

too bad this thing’s so damn good.

pre order the corvids “fought down” + layne + welch

dumbme: our girlfriend

VeryNiceLips: 🙂

VeryNiceLips: do you think her lips are nicer than mine?

dumbme: i actually like questions like that

dumbme: some guys fall for them

VeryNiceLips: ha!

dumbme: as they are loaded questions

dumbme: trick questions some would say

VeryNiceLips: its not a trick question

dumbme: some guys would say, no baby, your lips have sucked my deal so well

dumbme: but theyre lying

VeryNiceLips: ewww!

dumbme: the lips didnt really do any sucking

dumbme: the inside of the mouth did the work

VeryNiceLips: but you kiss my lips??

dumbme: the lips were around for the ride

dumbme: ah ha

dumbme: but mostly we french

dumbme: so, again it is the tounge

VeryNiceLips: there is still plenty of lips involved

dumbme: not plenty

dumbme: some

dumbme: but not plenty

VeryNiceLips: hmmm

dumbme: the lips are advertising

dumbme: its the wrapper

VeryNiceLips: ha!

dumbme: its a fakeout

VeryNiceLips: well, we’ll see about that. I am taking this as a dare

dumbme: what sort of dare?

VeryNiceLips: i’ll prove to you that lips are more than just advertising

dumbme: how will you do that?

VeryNiceLips: i can’t tell you that, you might spread my secret to other girls via your little web site

dumbme: ah yes

dumbme: speaking of that, may i put this chat on my page?

VeryNiceLips: haha, sure

dumbme: i will name you, VeryNiceLips

dumbme: for yours truly are

dumbme: all kidding aside

VeryNiceLips: maybe tomorrow…or another day, you can post the results….thanks