so here i am at the xbi with one more post that my girl flagrant would call a dilluted but we’ll just rack it up to more venting.

had a nice talk with jeff whalen from tsar. my favorite rock group. he had a funny joke that i will tell you cuz he doesnt use the innernet so he wont be mad at me for revealing it.

apparently there is much debate in the music industry about whether Tsar is rock or punk, which tells you how little the industry spends to making and hyping good music and how much time they spend catagorizing it.

jeff is a huge dodger fan. he called firstly to tell me that Tsar is playing tomorrow night at King King in hollywood on my favorite street hollywood blvd. so we got the rock out of the way and got right into dodgertalk.

he said what about bonds.

i said fuck bonds i hate that mother effer.

he said what are we gonna do about him.

i said kidnap em!

he said if Tsar kidnapped barry bonds we would finally find out if we were rock or punk or glam or pop.

i was all, hows that?

he was like, well the LA Times would likely write something like “Local rock group Tsar kidnapped San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds today requesting a $69,000 ransom…” or they would say “punk group Tsar, from hollywood, kidnapped…”

to which i said any band that kidnapped a baseball player to benefit the home team, i would imagine, would instantly be called “punk” cuz it’s more shocking to the home viewer.

he exhaled and said yeaaah. shit.

at the mtv awards, i told him, there was the rock video catagory. there was hobastank who sang a little girl song, then evervessance who sang a little girl song, then there was lincoln park who sang a Rush song circa 1995 minus the killer neil pert fills, then Jet sang their catchy little forgetable stones exile on mershstreet tune and Jet, who opened for tsar on 5/17/03 won the fucking mtv rock video award.

jeff said why are you telling me this?

i said cuz dude, mtv basically told lincoln park that theyre as disposable as limp bizkit, they told evanescense that cute goth wannabe girls are so not rock, and they told poopastank that if incubus isnt rock then dinkubus jr is totally not rock so therefore Tsar where are you we need you so the moonman goes to Jet.

and then we went back to figuring out how to kidnap barry.

which of course starts at the GNC in foster city…

i got offered a dinner date with clipper girls cousin who i havent seen in a while. she has a man now. and by man i mean MAN number two pick of an east coast nba team. sux to be me. she is always honest with me though. i was all, do you ever think about me?

she said, every time i touch myself.

i was all get out.

she was all, im totally serious.

i was all, bro is nearly seven feet tall and young and rich and

she said size doesnt matter

then said, oh wait yeah it does.

and god did she laugh.

then i said so why would dumbass tony be in your thoughts as you lie there in your houseboat?

and she said, i think of him sometimes, when i want to think of nice thoughts

but when i want to think dirty things i think of tony pierce.

which is sorta a cool thing.

until she asked me to have pizza with her and i said better not i wouldnt want you to cheat on your meal ticket.

and she was all dont worry im on the rag.

and i was all

well, lets just say theres a reason that girl still thinks of me with a smile, and its not because im so fucking good looking.

emmanuelle + kate sullivan + bicycle mark + riley dog

so dont pay any attention. and if you are inclined to leave a comment, just say something about how great karisa looks in this picture or that the cubs will be fine.

i feel like i have done so well in my life staying positive and staying happy and in turn that has kept me feeling and looking pretty young. but this xbi gig has done everything to turn that around.

i cant believe the girls i have been dating lately. amazingly hot and amazingly lame. i dont even talk about them theyre so disappointing. then i hang out with people like karisa and chris and i think, are there really only a handful of people who embody coolness and smarts and sexiness and fun and thats it? is the world so scarce?

i cant believe how people honestly think that george bush could be anything more than be a crossing guard. hes an obvious imbecile. i would love to see what episode of springer he would have been on if he wasnt born into the bush dynasty. is it wrong for me to think that if he actually went to nam he would have been killed by his own troop?

i cant believe that im 110 years old and i have no future outside of getting a masters. why cant i just get a good job and do things that way. why do i have to sell out and study poetry and then teach the youth of america. why cant i just work for a paper or a magazine or write a blog for mtv or maxium or sports illustrated or playboy. why am i such a loser.

who am i to complain. even if the xbi is dangerous (two people shot at me as i was getting off the bus this morn) and ridiculously low paying and just plain dumb, at least its a gig and at least it pays for some of the dental work im getting done and at least the girls are cute and willing and eager but is this why the good lord put me here? of course not.

am i here today to bitch? doubt it.

why cant tsar be on the radio and tv. why cant tsar get a deal that pays them zillions. why cant the cubs get it together. why cant people understand that i dont even want a car let alone need one.

my true love doesnt want me to call her that any more because shes afraid the new girls will think they dont have a chance. they have a chance. just be awesome is all i ask. just come over when you say you will. just pay attention once youre over. just quit holding back when youre topless. i mean at some point the green light isnt gonna get any greener. so rock bitch rock.

my neighbor is 91 years old and called me to help her with a lightbulb and i said im naked let me put on some pants and she said why bother kid just come over. and i laughed. her place smelled of powder and ensure. i like that woman. she showed me her fingers that had bent everywhich way and i thought i need to write more cuz who’s gonna type for a old black man who can think of nothing more than stories for boys from a day when a man could challenge another to a duel after removing the bullet from his vest and letting the bus pull gently from the curb.

a day when that man shoulda missed his shot since he was hungover from the beastie boys show but a day when that man didnt miss cuz some things some men are born with like absolute marksmanship fucked up pensmanship and the propensity to attract some of the lamest situations and characters who i swear try their best to outlame each other and themselves.

if i was a smoker i would quit today, if i was a druggie i would drink, instead im a blogger so i’ll whine.

chas + maggot + science blog

universal amphitheater

9/14/04

why do i doubt the beastie boys? theyve been doing this shit for twenty years and they’ll be doing it for twenty more.

yes their new album isnt that good. yes they have gray hair now. and theyre too political. and theres no more girls in cages or beer fights and theres no more punk rock in the new record.

but what they have is hip hop coming out of their pores. they also have the best dj in the business.

mixmaster mike worked the wheels of steel as the beasties did their three man weave of hits spanning their incredibly successful career.

doing such crowd pleasing oldies as “time to get ill” and “paul revere” from their first album, while dipping freely from their rich paul’s boutique songbook, the beasties worked the stage masterfully.

in the middle of the show they played the Will Ferrel video where the former SNL star impersonated president bush and then came out on a rolling mini-stage wearing powder blue tuxedoes looking very much like a rented wedding band. perfect for playing “something’s got to give” and several other jazzy funk instrumental cuts from their not too long ago past.

the kids looked great in the stands. the beasties looked weathered but not worn on the stage. karisa and i got drunk from $12 24-oz coronas and stayed on our feet for the entire show five rows from the stage.

it was a great night and we expressed our love for each other and our favorite hip hop group all the way to the jack in the box drive through where we scarfed ultimate cheeseburgers and fries and passed out with our shoes still on ears still ringing from the shrieking encore “sabotage”.

rocked by rock.

as it should be.

upcoming beastie boys shows:

tonight in Long Beach, CA

Sep 16 & 17 in San Francisco

Sep 19 in Seattle

Sep 20 in Vancouver, BC

paige six + terra + go fug yourself