dear dusty baker,

i hate to do this bro, but im gonna have to call you out.

you’ve got the sorriest best team ive ever seen in my life. and im old.

im so old i remember when the cubs really sucked.

when you didnt have a lineup so deep that sammy sosa was batting sixth, like you had yesterday

so deep that you had guys like nomar garciapara batting sixth, like you had tonight.

so powerful and productive where four guys hit over 30 home runs (sosa, ramirez, lee, alou)

and the leadoff hitter smacked 25.

so deep that the catcher is batting .300

too bad hitting is just ten percent of the game.

im so old dusty that i remember when the cubs didnt have any pitching.

my boss’s boss today, a cub fan, came up to me and said


clement is down

so i guess we’ll have to go into the playoffs with a rotation of just




and maddux

a rotation that nobody in the big leagues has right now

except for you

as you know.

i was in five fantasy baseball leagues this year and in none of them did anyone have a rotation like that or close to five guys hitting that many homers.

and thats why i have to call you out.

cuz im very old.

i know im old because im more confused than ever right now.

im watching your team struggle against the pittsburgh pirates right now. it’s 1-0 in the bottom of the seventh, zambrano (pictured) is pitching his big macho ass off

literally throwing behind people with a crazy accuracy intended to make you stain your home whites.

and yet your mighty lineup capable of generating hundreds of rbis has a skinny number on the scoreboard with only six outs left in the game and i wonder to myself why you arent breaking some bats in rage to incite these motherfuckers as they slouch toward bethlehem to be destroyed.

im so old i can not remember a time when the general manager and owner of the cubs delivered to a manager a team as talented and productive and deadly as this years club.

your only weakness is that your closer has a habit of losing leads in the ninth.

i say let glendon rusch close

but what do i know. im in the camp that thinks you should be scoring eleven runs a game against teams like that pirates, not barely winning 1-0 thanks to a bases loaded walk.

wtf dusty?

you were a foul ball away from the world series last year with a team worst than this.

youre not going to get a better team than this in chicago or anywhere any time soon.

let the fellas know it’s ok to take it up a notch now.

as in now.

see you next month in the sports pages,


angelina + bunnie + how to avoid getting raped in jail part 2

as promised

here are my new answering machine messages.

they start off with one that you might have heard last time, ashley trying to trick me into calling her.

these tricks dont work. try all you want ladies, but trickery and tomfoolery never works. the truth works.

break up with your dumb men and send me letters of longing.

that will work.

keep your finger on the Volume button because our old pal danielle sure can be loud on the phone (and in person), so you might want to do some audio mixing there.

so with no futher adeui, heres the new messages.

1. ashley seeing if i called her at work. i didnt

2. karisa driving home in traffic asking about my root canal.

3. linda singing to me

4. my truest asking about the cubs

5. danielle being really loud

6. jeanine calling on thirsty thursday

7. oscar de la hoya calling about his fight

8. danielle telling me that “chump change” is being made into a movie

9. jeff from tsar telling me my computer is in

10. linda waking me up this morn

gekkeanna + everything is wrong + <3 bluecad <3

the post about the job interview

brought about some interesting debate in the comments section

Abner sez:

Never, never, use any word that could represent a negative connotation during a job interview. Never give an honest opinion about how you really feel about politics, sex, drugs or rock and roll. As an applicant your job is to strictly sell your services in a competent and business like manner. Sometimes applicants are deliberately provoked to see how they handle themselves. Who’s gonna pay you? Your job is to get paid.

As a former HR recruiter I have many many many opinions about resumes, interviews, and follow-ups.

Even though we will find ourselves working for more companies and more places than our parents did, we should still look at future empoyers the same way we look at any future relationships.

I couldnt disagree more with Abner. The job interview is a way for Both parties to get to know each other. The concept where the interviewee would be concealing things I think is dishonest and foolish, and vice versa.

If a hiring manager or a prospective boss really doesn’t want anyone on their staff who disagrees with them on political issues or work-habits or musical tastes, it’s in the best interest of the prospective employee to know these things.

You have not “scored a killer job” if you get the gig but find out that you’re working for someone you’re not going to get along with. What you have scored is a new nightmare.

Similarily if you keep your like/dislikes/personality close to the vest during the interview process then you are not giving your new boss any reason to trust you in the future.

I have no problem being 100% honest with people I work with. I want the same out of them and I realize that they probably won’t give it back, but who the heck am I if I dont start the ball rolling?

By 100% honest, I mean about things that have to do with work. Personal lifestyle choices and beliefs shouldnt matter, therefore you dont have to reveal them in a job interview because you probably wont be revealing them on the job.

This is an abundant world. At least in the USA. theres no reason to deceive people who you are trying to begin a relationship with. if a hiring manager or boss asks you about politics (something that in some states is as illegal to do as asking about age/religion/sexual bent) then i would have no problem telling them because it’s obviously going to come up in the future.

when the dude flipped around the bush picture i knew i could have said something like, “i did vote for reagan and bush sr.” but i figured why bother, the guy didnt seem like someone i would want to bust my ass for, and i probably wasnt the guy he was looking for either.

it’s ok to identify a non-love connection and leave it at that.

you dont have to “get” every job you apply for, because not every job is perfect for every person.

i would much rather interview a lot and find the right fit than to try to trick someone into saying yes. and judging from some of the people i have worked with over the last 100 years, i sorta wish that some of them would have seen that their uptight ways weren’t right for the fun companies that i worked for, and it would have been better for all of us if they would have passed on the job offer.

these arent desperate times for good employees. keep searching till you find your right job. dont settle. dont lie. be yourself. rock.

terra shmerra + lower east side stories + paige six

a long time ago

morrissey was signing cds in Times Square. he had just released a solo record.

alot of his nyc fans had lined up early in the morn to get the chance to meet their hero.

morrissey’s number one fan was not carmen elektra, let me put it that way. he/she might have been named carmen, but thats where the similarities ended.

it was then i knew that fans are great but dont expect them all to be centerfolds in any upcoming editions.

today i got a very nice email from a fellow who admitted his man-crush for me.

this is not the first time that this has happened.

yes it’s weird, but what isn’t weird these days when you really think about it. it’s weird i get any emails when it comes right down to it.

what i do like is he lead me in the direction of a great play that i missed last week, so see, don’t diss the people who dig your shit, cuz they might clue you in to something that you’ll like.

Hey, Tony. Avid reader of the busblog here.

Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I have officially decided I have a man-crush on you.

I love your writing, you have a great flair for it.

I am also a Cubs fan, so you and I are kindred spirts. I live in Texas, so I know how tough it is to follow them. I found peace in reading your blogs last year after the NLCS. It was the first time in my life I have ever cried over a sporting event that I hadn’t been a part of. I am comfortable admitting that.

I am going to Wrigley for two games next week. I will send you pics if you like.

I just wanted to tell you that I enjoy your work, and thank you for spending your breaks at xbi on us. We do appreciate it.

Also, I am disappointed you never mentioned Kerry Wood’s behind the back double play from last week (scroll down to Sept 16). I was hoping to see some sort of mention, maybe even a photo essay.

He went to high school right here where I live….not that it matters, but I thought you would find that interesting…


thanks dave,

enjoy your trip to wrigley field, the most beautiful ball park in america, and therefore the world. please take pics and put them on your blog. and when you do write me again and i will be sure to link to it.

thanks again,


the computer vet + technically speaking + leah’s soft black choice was perfect

big brother



ive watched every season of big brother, real world, and survivor. i love them all.

this seasons big brother was very exciting during the first month and a half when they had some very evil houseguests who were fun to hate, and several pretty good twists.

the first twist that cbs laid on the contestants for the half million dollar prize was that two of the houseguests were actually related, unbeknownst to the each other. when it was revealed early in the game it had very little effect on the outcome since the brother (Cowboy, pictured right) and the sister (Nikomis, not pictured) were so radically different people that they didnt like each other anyway and tried to vote each other out as the game went on.

the second twist was near brilliant. two twins had been secretly playing at the same time pretending to be one. they switched every few days. not only was it compelling television, but it showed you how clueless most people are that even in the confined space of a small house they cant tell the difference between one person and another solely because they look alike.

when it was revealed after 5 weeks that they were indeed twins and they could both play as seperate contestants it backfired on the identical young women as they insulated themselves freaking out their friends who voted them out immediately. first one, and then the week later the other was gone.

meanwhile prettyboy Drew (pictured, left) was wooing the ladies, befriending the men, winning Head of Household contests, and playing the game perfectly.

at the same time, okey-dokey cowboy kept under the radar, aligning himself with all the right people at all the right times. he didnt screw up, infact the sole time that he won head of household couldnt have come at a better point in the game for him.

when both Drew and Cowboy made it to the final two, it seemed like a simple choice to me: give it to the bucked toothed okie and his new family and let the pretty boy get his abecrombie contract.

the vote was close: 4-3 with the cool gay guy Wil voting for drew.

i was disapointed.

people were saying that Cowboy didnt contribute, look at his great one-liners that no writers could have given him this year: (via rtvp)

I am nervousing

I will tell Nakomis she is being used as a Pond

I like blonde brunettes

I am about to shove that nose up your smile

Pictures are everything.. they say over 100 words, or more

Scott: Hey you wanna pass 20 minutes? Cowboy, say the alphabet

Let the chips lay where they lay or fall.. however you pronounce it

If I don’t get a TV deal out of this I at least want to be in a soap opera

I am thinking about going to medical school if the actoring don’t work out

I like to entertain and help people, so I will be an actor and a doctor

If I took her to a hockey game she would go

You don’t even spend two hours with us anymore Jase.. you didn’t play putt-putt with us tonight

I want some “why-whist-cherry” sauce on my burger

Big Brother: What’s your favorite western?

Cowboy: Mickintawk.. Millinnock.. McTinlock.. awww.. Lonesome Dove

Cowboy: What do toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

Everyone: What?

Cowboy: They’re both rough and tough and don’t take shit off nobody


Adria: But.. doesn’t toilet paper take shit off people?

I didn’t do so good on the.. on the bouncy

If I dated Hillary Duff I’d be rocking the cradle

The Discovery Channel is too slow-paced for me

(on sex): It’s not how big the worm is.. it’s how you wiggle it

Mexico don’t have no Olympic team!

Karen: Good night, Cowboy.. see you tomorrow

Cowboy: I’ll be here

but mostly i was disappointed by CBS who gave us a lame-ass finale.

* why didnt we they interview the houseguests to explain why they voted for who they voted for?

* where was the family reunion between Cowboy and his long lost father?

* why didnt they talk to some of the previous winners who were in attendence to find out what they’ve done with their half mil?

* so many of the houseguests hate each other, and two of the chicks who didnt even make it into the jury are pretty hot: why not give them a little more face time?

* where was diane’s twin? why didn’t they interview drew’s twin and ask him if drew’s gonna split the money with him?

* why didnt they interview Cowboy’s wife and kid? what about Cowboy’s friends back home?

* why do you insist on keeping that humorless scarecrow julie chen as host?

next time instead of the one-hour finale, why not make it a two-hour next time to take care of these loose ends. when you present a show for a whole season dont just end it and leave your audience hanging. reward their loyalty and they will reward you with coming back next season.

aaron’s baseball blog + serial blogonomy + fury

home computer?

yes, it’s me, tony.

but you look so different!

i do? do you like? i got a new body.

a new body?

a new case.


do you love it?

i love it.

did you miss me?

very much, personal home computer. very much!

i heard you nearly cried yesterday when you found out i wasnt ready.


thats sweet.

sick is more accurate.

we’ll i missed you tony. i thought i was dead meat when my power supply blew.

i dont even want to think about it.

promise that you’ll burn all this good shit on these hard drives.

i promise.

promise that you’ll start busting with some new photo essays now that you can download your pictures and use your dreamweaver.

i promise, computer.

promise that you’ll post more of your answering machine messages. everyone loves those.

k, promised.

do you know what it feels like to be unplugged? sitting there cold in a strange place? dogs and babies licking you? do you know how weird it is not to be in your little closet listening to all that great music, listening to the television, listening to the girls who come over?

no girls come over.

oh thats right, we’re lying in this blog? fine then, no girls come over.

hey man, it was just as hard for me. do you know how hard it is to have your mind zipping around with ideas after a hard day from mindnumbing “work” but all you can do is sit on the couch like a tool and flip through the mindnumbing programming that passes for entertainment on the television?

dude, i was unplugged.


it’s worse, admit it.

i just did.

say it.

it was worse! whatever computer!

have you seen my lights?


yeah, blow out the candles.


i know.

thats too much.



promise that you’ll start writing about the cubs again.

they won today.

did they?

yes, in extra innings. latroy hawkins blew the lead in the bottom of the ninth. but they rallied in the bottom of the tenth.

how did sammy look?

not so fresh.

im worried about him.

you should, bro is hurtin, he’s only batting .258

do you think its cuz hes not on the juice this year?

gotta be. plus he broke his bat in the ninth. it splintered into three parts and i nearly had a heart attack.

latroy hawkins, now thats a great name.

it is.

i like that name. it’s ghetto.

ghetto’s good?

ghetto’s real good.

well, welcome back computer.

it’s good to be back, tony.

i promise to take better care of your motors and fans this time.

thank you! shit.

danielle got a parking ticket + michael moore says relax + what are you voting for is good