what if i never get cool

what if the rumors are true

how did jerry lewis live to be over 90

dude was smoking, drinking, eating steaks

i drove 300 miles on saturday.

had to pay off the at&t bill.

end of the night i got this cop dressed up as fidel castro

young cop, hispanic

lived here all his life.

he told me about how crystal meth is gonna make a comeback.

he told me how dangerous it used to be in highland park and silver lake when he was young, which is hard to imagine today because its so nice now.

he said youve been here since the 80s, didnt you ever see what it used to be?

i said, why would i have been in silver lake in 1985?

furthest east i ever got was the anti club on melrose near normandie

or als bar in dtla.

tore the house apart tonight looking for some taxes, turned out they were right under my nose.

what if im insane.

what if being insane is not knowing youre insane and you just think everyones being nice to you

but youre so insane that you dont realize that theyre saying fuck you right to your face all day

but you think theyre saying fuck yeah tony.

amber just got back from work.

shes in her unmentionables

making tea

what if it never gets cool?

got a guy from whales who told me he lived in NYC for 15 years

he was going to the Soho House from Silver Lake. good ride.

as with most rides, passengers end up telling me everything about themselves within 10 minutes.

this one was twice that and it turns out this dude had been a director for many of your favorite SNL Digital Shorts

he told me how smart and funny Lorne is, how much fun it was to work with this guy and that one.

when i asked him what his favorite short was that he directed he told me this one.

i slightly remembered it, but mama mia.

he said at first Lorne wasnt into it because at the dress rehearsal the audience wasnt into it



picked up a guy from what looked like a party

i was all were you dudes raging over there?

he was like, no, im sober, in fact you’re taking me to my halfway house.

i said, wow, good for you. what was your poison?


damn bro!

yeah i know.

were you guys watching the world series?

no. fuck Houston!

let me guess, you’re a Yankee fan?

Boogie Down Bronx, ride or die.

dude appeared to be from India but he had a thick East Coast bias.

do people rehabbing from heroin often come to Los Angeles?

long story, but sometimes it’s smart to go somewhere that’s less easy to score.

bro i could drive you somewhere right now…

oh i know, but it’s not like being in NY and one of my friends coming by with an 8-ball.

you guys snort H out there?

in a heartbeat. we get our shit from Bolivia, Colombia, Honduras. it’s the genuine article. LA has the worst heroin, it’s from Mexico. That stuff will kill you.

well im very proud of you. i can only imagine how hard it was to kick.

it was a nightmare.

on Howard Stern, Artie would talk about using some medicine that helped him.

yeah Subutex. But that was awhile ago. that shit was just as addictive as heroin. it was legal heroin. and getting off that shit was harder than kicking the real thing.

say whaaaat?

yeah so theres new stuff now that will make you really sick if you mix it with heroin. 

we drove through Beverly Hills past Century City. i changed the subject back to the Yankees and filled him in on the game, which was now tied in the 10th.

i asked him if he had ever read the Basketball Diaries.

he said, no but he watched some of the movie but nodded off.

i was all, maybe you’re better off.

dropped him off in front of a $3 million home, which he swore was his halfway house.

i said, that looks like a Completely Full House and he laughed.

then coughed.

then laughed again.

do you know whats funny about life?


hi little blog. hi tony. hi little magic thing.

hi tony.

hi little everything.

hi tony.

hi little secret weapon. hi tony.

do you know how many times the xbi tried to shut you down?

yes tony.

do you know how many lies ive told in here? none tony.

do you know how many jobs and monies and girls and trips and doors have opened because of you. fuck yes tony.

do you know how often i used to think of you and now i dont.  no tony.

i once had this beautiful cuban girlfriend who listened to gwen stefani and cooked for me and hugged me and joked but she had this purple imac, one of the new ones and back then id blog three times a day and she didnt like coming to my side of town but i didnt like blogging on her computer

and weirdly that may have been the thing that stopped us from being together forever

but thats not true tony

i know. i know.

nothing in here is true.

(except the weird magic.)

like you.


yesterday was my birthday

i woke up and the bears were already up by two tds and i had this pretty girl next to me asking if i wanted an egg sandwich

her name is amber.

when she returned from the kitchen she looked at me

and i was watching the end of the game

and she looked at me again

and again until i looked back.

when i did she looked down at a huge box

i opened the box and it was something ive wanted for a long time but never felt right spending the money on. it was this big Marshall bluetooth stereo.

amber was never one to play a lot of music around the house and one thing she has noticed with me is i have music on all the time.

one day we were in the best buy and we just wandered and i showed her what i wanted but i never thought she was taking notes.

after that i opened my moms gift box which was equally huge, filled with all the things i really wanted too: white socks, candy, and a bonus Amazon gift card. thanks mom!

then we met up with chris and sass and her man and we dined at hollywood oldest restaurant, musso and franks.

then we went to hamilton. which, if you havent heard is pretty good. but looooong. woah. it musta taken that guy forever to write it.

very inspirational that way. i will never whine about how long something takes to write after sitting through 3 hours of rap and song and dance which had to have taken years to fine tune that perfectly.

at halftime amber wanted to pee but the lines went all the way back to the 18th century.

i noticed by the front door it said you could get back in if you have your ticket. so we went next door to the emptish frolic room. while i waited for her at the bar i ordered a Bailey’s neat.

the shot of rum at dinner had gotten me buzzed because i hardly drink any more. so the Baileys just took the edge off of that.

for some reason this birthday had made me nervous. maybe it was because i knew Hamilton would be the big part of it and it’s gotten so much hype. somehow that energy turned negative and got all up in me. hard to explain.

im such a sensitive poet.

i do feel everything.

we took the subway home, met these walking dead contest winners from west virginia

watched when the cast of hamilton went to the white house

ate cake

and thanked the Lord for all of everything.

i am so lucky it’s crazy how many things ive gotten to do.


there’s a million things I haven’t done

but just you wait

dear tony, is everything horrible, and is everyone terrible?


Long time, first time. 

I love your optimism, but I just don’t see where you get your positivity?

In my life I feel like everything is horrible. I see people doing hurtful, terrible things to each other. For fun!

How else am I supposed to look at it?



Gentle reader,

let me take you back. how far back? all the way back.

once upon a time the Lord made the Heavens and the Earth and he said it was Good. for it was.

then he made Adam and they high fived, named all the animals, and played a delightful game of H-O-R-S-E.

in the morning the Lord created Eve, and Adam was all, fuck yes!

God said, look you can do anything you want, just don’t eat from that one tree. You see all these other trees? Eat your faces off. That tree – be cool. You might not even wanna touch it. Capiche?

Adam and Eve said, what happens if we touch it?

God said, YOU’LL DIE.

Adam and Eve said got it.

God skateboards outta there and the next thing you know a freaking snake is convincing them to eat from the tree and when the Lord finds out he’s heartbroken.

He cries and cries because this is the first time any of his Earthly creations did him wrong. He can’t understand it.

He’s pissed at the snake and takes away its legs and kicks it in the head. it slithers away leaving just Adam and Eve to wonder what God’s gonna do to them.

but all he can do is look at them and ask WTF people

W T F?

so are people horrible? kinda.

is life terrible? no.

life is beautiful and sometimes people do things you don’t expect.

we all come from Adam and Eve who were the original fuckups.

even their kids were dumbasses. well, one was, for certain.

i don’t know how you want to maneuver through this river of deceit, but heres how i do it:

i know it’s gonna be weird. so i expect the weird. i know some of it’s gonna be good, but im still expecting weird.

when the good comes i take it all in because i know there might be some not-so-good around the corner

and i don’t wanna be heartbroken the way God was when he saw that unpeeled forbidden fruit

and that snickering snake.

if life was Maddon football at the easy level we’d all be bored outta our gourds.

accept the Expert level and keep playing.

what does the good book say about people being mean to me?

Dear Tony,

Fellow XBI agent here. 

People are being very mean to me. I don’t understand why. I’ve asked and they won’t tell me. 

I don’t know where to turn for help. You talk about the Bible a lot. Is there solace in it… for this?

Sorry about the Cubs,

Kid Camaro

dear Camaro,

if you are really xbi, which i doubt that you are, you’d know that it’s our job to suck it up.

we are the place the buck stops.

so if someone is being mean then take it.

fucking take it.

what does the bible say? it says pretty much the same thing. it says people who oppress you will probably not get punished for it, or suffer in any way. so move on.

but heres what i say.

i say if you feel victimized, and indeed you are xbi, do the thing that xbi is here to do

help people.

aint nobody in this whole world who couldn’t use a little help with something.

help them.

you are a speck of dust in a forgotten broom in the hall closet of the universe

but when you help someone

you become magic.

so sparkle, fucker.

when you are trying to win you’ll try anything

so today i didnt ask to leave work early to rush home to watch the game

i didnt even leave work until late.

then i ubered. then i lyfted.

people didnt wanna go very far but fuckit.

rich lady and her friend.

two sorority girls going across campus.

rich guy going four blocks.

it was a little bit of a joke actually that i just kept going in circles.

almost like the universe was all come on tony watch the game

your team is fighting for their lives in the playoffs!

but i just listened on the radio.

made $50 and headed home.

im gonna die poor and misunderstood.

something will happen to this blog and i betya even archive.org wont be able to cache it properly

and i know i shouldnt worry about these kinds of things, i should just worry whether the Lord will forgive me for causing pain in peoples lives.

i dont mean it when it happens. am i not supposed to care about things? isnt it worse when no one cares. i care.

so much.

so of course when i got home i turned on the game on my phone and sat in my car as the cubs struggled to get out of the 8th

no thanks to the umps who had a discussion and decided that no matter how much they enjoyed working with the cubs manager joe maddon

they were gonna fuck him in front of the home crowd.

and he yelled at this one and that one and the other and then behind his back one of the umps threw him out of the game

joe cares. thats how he became great. thats why they gave him mgr of the year last year.

and thats how he got all those gray hairs.

and after the game he was polite and said he respects the umps and have enjoyed dealing with them this year

but they were wrong.

and after the game one of the umps agreed

i was wrong, he said.

cubs won any how.

inspite of them.

inspite of everything.