(Guest/McKean/Reiner/Shearer)

The elves are dressed in leather

And the angels are in chains

Christmas with the Devil

The sugar plums are rancid

And the stockings are in flames

Christmas with the Devil

There’s a demon in my belly

And a gremlin in my brain

There’s someone up the chimney hole

And Satan is his name

The rats ate all the presents

And the reindeer ran away

Christmas with the Devil

There’ll be no Father Christmas

‘Cause it’s Evil’s holiday

Christmas with the Devil

No bells in Hell

No snow below-

Silent Night, Violent Night

So come all ye unfaithful

Don’t be left out in the cold

You don’t need no invitation, no…

Your ticket is your soul

blueloggy

hi sweetie, how are you feeling?

i miss you.

i miss you too. you have no idea how difficult it is posing for pictures and listening to all these stupid dirty old men run their mouths.

i think i can imagine.

ive been sending you signals in my pictures, honey bunny.

what sort of signals?

little things that i do with my hands to tell you that i miss you and i cant wait for you to defile me once again.

what sorta things are you doing with your hands?

just wait. you’ll see.

you’re too much. hows the record doing?

Stripped is #10.

#10? what the fuck is up with that?

at christmastime, sweetie, youre just lucky to be on the charts. trust me, im happy as hell.

i cant believe it. who’s above you?

you.

no really. i mean, thats nice. but seriously.

ok, right above me is avril lavigne.

that little chick? i heard a totally differnet song on the radio the other day. not skaterboy, not the first one…

yeah, shes got a third one out. shes moving units. above her is Paul McCartney, a live record from his tour of the USA.

i thought live records didnt sell.

typically. but the boomers who couldnt afford the $100 seats are shelling out the cash to hear him sing fucking Hey Jude, i guess.

im so happy im not a boomer.

totally. then above him is Faith Hill.

Biggie’s girl?

no, the country singer. the blonde. shes real pretty. married to tim mcgraw.

oh yeah yeah yeah. ok. i can see that.

then j.lo.

shit. raymi and i were chatting for a breif second and she said she liked that song.

i want to get on raymi so bad.

get in line.

i mean really. im so into that chick.

i dont think she likes you.

oh she will. just wait. then 2 Pac is #5

2 Pac! isnt he dead? is it like a greatest hits or something?

no, tony, it’s new material. and it’s a double cd!

2 Pac isnt dead.

seriously. above him is Now That’s What I Call Music #11.

what the hell is that?

compilation of hits from this year. Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” Dirty Vegas, Jennifer Love Hewitt, No Doubt’s “Underneath it All,” Shakira, Kylie, janet, Norah Jones, Coldplay, Creed. Dixie Chicks doing “Landslide.”

sounds completely awful.

it’s #4, bitch.

how can that possibly be in this time of Grokster, Kazaa, Morpehous, etc?

the RIAA is full of shit. it was #2 last week.

why dont people just download it all?

some people have lives. other people feel like cheap skates. some are just lazy. and then of course there are those who think that stealing music is immoral.

whatever, hoochie.

#3 is the 8 mile soundtrack.

again, wouldnt you think that the demographic who would buy that would download it?

i’m only going to say this one more time, the RIAA is full of shit. aint nobody losing money because of Napster. the kids will buy whatever they want to buy. And they will download it. And they will make copies for their friends, but they will still buy it. Hillary Rosen is so full if it, its ridiculous.

so what’s number one?

we’re not there hun. #2 is Tim McGraw and #1 is Shania Twain.

country is topping the charts?

looks like it.

no wonder the republicans are taking over. wheres snoop dogg?

this is his first week on the charts with his new cd. it’s #12.

what about justin???

that fool? he’s down to #19 after 4 weeks. he better get back with britanny or back with n*sync.

i love you christina agueliera.

then learn how to spell my damn name right!

13. chinpokomon

alecia

‘he’s in the back getting a spritz.’

“you can get a spritz in the back of pizzaland?”

‘you can if youre tony.’

“hey why are you speaking in single quotes?”

‘never mind, let me talk to tony.’

“tony, ladies, sorry to disturb you.”

better be important.

‘theres a disturbance on the blog.’

fuck the blog.

‘the blog’s a big earner.’

“remember aruba?”

whats going on?

‘ward entertainment feels shunned.’

fuck ward entertainment. wait, who’s ward entertainment?

‘two kids with a blog.’

ok, fuck ward entertainment.

‘they’re the ones who call you the blogfather.’

im not the blogfather.

“oh wait, you mean those two little shits who put a stinky poo next to tony’s name?”

they put turds next to my name?

‘it’s their way of honoring you, tony.’

what sort of fucked up thing is that?

‘they’re saying that youre “the shit.”‘

fucking a.

“they call that respect?”

‘they’re kids. whattya gonna do?’

what do they want?

‘they want a link.’

how much is that?

‘nothing.’

give em a fucking link.

‘also, sarah’s upset.’

fuck sarah. wait, who’s sarah?

‘that chick you like. she’s still upset by what michael jackson said.’

didnt you break his legs like i told you to?

‘it got fucked up and we only were able to break a foot.’

a foot? what the fuck? michael jackson beat your ass or some shit? you need me to show you how to break a couplea legs?

‘michael’s a fast freak. he’s got moves.’

“word is he moonwalked right through you.”

‘he spun, threw his hat. he’s quicker than you think.’

fucking michael jackson. you’re all giving me agita.

‘my recommendation is we do something special for sarah.’

a couple g’s, flowers, what?

‘shes uptight about her finals. let’s send some people up to michigan state and make sure she gets some good grades.’

we know people at michigan state?

“magic johnson.”

he went there?

“yeah, and he’s very grateful for all the laker love you give.”

ok, is that it? i feel like i havent given these ladies the proper attention.

‘theres a bunch of knuckleheads commenting on the blog.’

wack em.

‘all of them?’

any motherfucker who comes into my place and starts talking shit is begging to get wacked.

‘see thats the thing, tone, maybe they’re acting up so you give them attention. and you’ll drive traffic to their site.’

fellas. cant you see these girls are doing their best to relax me? and furthermore, dont you know how hard it is for the good people of pizzaland to turn their storage area into a sauna? take care of the blog. if it’s an earner, then dont get in the way of the earning. if it’s more of a headache, get rid of it. now where are my van goghs?

“we gave them to kinkos so that they’d print the busblog book.”

about fucking time.

“we’re gonna steal em back once the books are mailed out.”

good.

“then we were thinking about returning them to the van gogh museum, compliments of the busblog.”

‘what for?’

we have a very good relationship with the dutch. i want to keep it that way. anything else? i think the redhead’s getting lockjaw.

just getting warmed up, tony

‘kitty bukkake got interviewed in the sunday boston globe yesterday.’

send her some flowers.

“actually, you promised that you’d review her book for blogcritcs.”

shit, i’ll get on that. i still havent finished it.

“no disrespect, tony, but it’s only 12 pages.”

im a very slow reader.

‘thats it, tony. thank you for your time.’

fine fine. why dont you stay for a minute. you, shut the door behind you as you leave.

‘yeah, tone?’

wack that guy on the way out. put him in a calzone and send it to the next motherfucker who talks shit.

‘got it.’

9. colby cosh

10. ward entertainment

11. raymi and laura

12. quit that

sexy sarah

hi, im tony pierce and i can kick your ass in so many ways, kids, that you better watch it cuz i will. for fun.

and for profit.

right now miss newport beach 2004 is speeding north up the long beach freeway in her miata to my cranky ass, this after spending much of the day with miss redondo 2001. is the fact that i get that sort of attention make me an asshole? no. being alive is what makes me an asshole. live a little and it’ll happen to you too.

yes, i have for some reason left ward entertainment off my list of links to the left. blow me. im 109. this is a blog. get a life. i have carpal tunnel, but i can, with a little help uncurl my middle finger, raise it high and shove it right through your acid washed gap baggies. and dont think i wont.

you call me a celebrity blogger? what the fuck is that. you call me the blogfather? then have some respect. how about an email? how about a comment? how about chilling out for a fucking second, dillweed. you’ll get yours.

its a link.

and you wish you flowed me 120 hits a day.

you know who gets me 120 hits a day? not you. not the real blogfather the instapundit. “anna kournikova nude” gets me 120 hits a day so step off bitch.

to me blogging is a variety of things. first you must know how to write. best thing about writing is that the more you do it the better you get and unlike beating off, writing well is something that you can parlay into sex drugs money power. so practice.

when youre done practicing read the good book. when youre done reading do curls, pushups, sit ups.

one day you might find yourself in the curious position of being requested to lift a young lady up in a corner of a suite in a swanky sunset blvd hotel far above the madding crowds and let me tell you the goal isnt to get there, it’s to stay there. the correct response is please dont leave me here alone tonight. call in sick tomorrow and drink mimosas with me by the pool.

fuck links on a blog, fellows.

so thats writing. the part that hollywood has all but given up on. the part that television couldnt care less about. the part that mr. miyagi would have considered both the wax on and the wax off of life. work at it work at it work at it.

writing isnt bitching. writing isnt whining. not one man has gotten doubleteamed by brazillian gogo girls because he was a whiner. want proof? who’s the biggest whiner of all? thats right, drudge. and ask yourself, what sort of pussy does matt drudge have walking around his studio apartment clonking around his hardwood floors while he’s trying to type his little bullshit?

zero, people.

zero.

there will never be a “cribs” crew rolling up to drudge’s pad asking him to open his fridge to see if he’s got gold bottles of bubbly and a stripper pole in his boom boom room.

whiners wouldnt know the first fucking thing about a boom boom room, so dry your tears and remove the back of your hand from your forehead.

writing is comedy poetry and freestyle bootycall that dips through drama and ends in a flourish of philiosphy. spread your wings and fly and make sure theres a begining middle and end.

easiest way to piss off a hack: bring up his endings.

and lie people.

the asshole who told you that your lives are interesting shouldnt be trusted. i lied in nearly every keystroke of this masterpiece.

even kids know that a good art heist beats a bank robbery any day under the sun.

lie when you write.

your boy drudge does.

then theres design. i like ward entertainment’s design. i like riley dog’s and illuminent’s and i super love my long lost girlfriend whateverhername is from youfuckedupmylife.net

love love love her design.

love. and i haint linked her sweet ass yet either, so back the fuck up, boys.

if i truly had interns instead of little teases who say they want to intern but dont, they’d do the upkeep on the day-to-day. im trying to lead by example, so dont make me make examples of you.

my advice?

think youre young and original?

get out before…

youfuckedupmylife.net

(smith)

i don’t care if monday’s blue

tuesday’s grey and wednesday too

thursday I don’t care about you

it’s friday I’m in love

monday you can fall apart

tuesday wednesday break my heart

thursday doesn’t even start

it’s friday I’m in love

saturday wait

and sunday always comes too late

but friday never hesitate…

i don’t care if monday’s black

tuesday wednesday heart attack

thursday never looking back

it’s friday I’m in love

monday you can hold your head

tuesday wednesday stay in bed

or thursday watch the walls instead

it’s friday I’m in love

saturday wait

and sunday always comes too late

but friday never hesitate…

dressed up to the eyes

it’s a wonderful surprise

to see your shoes and your spirits rise

throwing out your frown

and just smiling at the sound

and as sleek as a shriek

spinning round and round

always take a big bite

it’s such a gorgeous sight

to see you in the middle of the night

you can never get enough

enough of this stuff

it’s friday

i’m in love

stopheart

“i can’t believe you bust your ass interviewing totally young southern girls, and then getting an exclusive club review from paris hilton and you get one measly comment! this is a fucking outrage.”

winona was so mad she broke the italics button.

“what does a man have to do to get a little love in the blog world? dont they know you still have carpal tunnel? dont they know you’re trying to walk the path of the straight and narrow? dont they know that you are pounding the pavement up and down the mean streets of this city trying to find a copy shop or printer or publisher to knock out a few hundred copies of your Blook so you can deliver them before Christmas? Dont they know how you bust your ass for them?”

i pretty much sit on my ass, baby. its cool.

“it ISNT Cool! whats cool is after you write something if 70+ people commented. fucking Oish doesnt update for a week at a time and all her readers comment. same goes for pretty much everyone. why is it that they dont comment here? all they have to do is say ‘you fucking rule, tony, god i love you.’ but they dont. they take and they take and they take and they take.”

shoplifter, easy.

“yes, i take too. we all take in one form or another, but i give back. i make the movies for your asses. i pose for the photos for your asses. i was on SNL – which they tried to fuck me for in the sentencing today.”

assholes.

“fuckbrains. and now im gonna cough up about ten large and do 420 hours of community service.”

four hundred and how many?

“480. sorry. im just so pissed off. and whats the story with how people ride the bus in this town? i mean really.”

what are you talking about?

“oh, they took away my drivers liscense today at the hearing.”

how come?

“fuck if i know, i didnt run off in a car with their shit. i had a driver. hows a bitch supposed to work in this town without a drivers license. so i had to take the fucking bus home.”

where do you live?

“santa monica.”

so did you take the 4 from beverly hills down santa monica blvd?

“i got lucky and there was a 304 express.”

sweet.

“yeah. but this fuckwad– full bus, okay. this old fucking bitch is in the back of the bus. she pulls the string whatever to ring the bell, she walks all the way through people to the front of the bus to exit. WHORE! what does she think the back door is for?”

please, dont tempt me.

“it’s for getting off, bitch.”

thats a better line than i was thinking.

“i dont know how you do it tony. you ride with all these morons, then you bust on the blog and you get no respect.”

yeah. hmmm. yeah.

“i wish there was something i could do for you.”

i think youve done enough.

“i’d steal you a scarf but im sorta a marked woman.”

its all good.

“and i bet you’d look great in burberry.”

its the thought that counts, winona. now go out there and make mr. deeds 2 for me.

“what are you doing tonight, tony?”

i have a date.

“what about tomorrow?”

im gonna watch the OU game.

“wanna watch it at my house?”

ok.

“bring your swim trunks. i have a hot tub.”

i cant seem to find my trunks, winona.

“even better.”

8. tonypierce.org

force the goose

is let you in on what is happening in hollywood. the city that i live in.

when i read blogs from around the world i like to hear whats going on in those towns.

i like it when people post pictures of their towns and include stories, and for the most part we do that here.

with that said, we present you with the first of what i hope to be many more reports from the glamorous clubs of tinsletown.

this morning, ms. paris hilton writes to us. ms. hilton was in town for Motorola’s annual Christmas party in west hollywood.

afterwards she went to the newest and most happening club in hollywood, Club Ivar on the incredible Hollywood Blvd.

tony.

got into the ivar.

used my girlie charms which i have put on reserve for years.

liz & i walked up to the vip line and some lady said you need to go to the other door and get bracelets. we smiled at the bouncer at the door and he said “no they don’t. you girls can come right in.” so we smiled and said “how bout us plus four????” and he winked and said ‘sure’.

it is not all it is cracked up to be. but they were giving out free red bulls & vodka’s for some crazy reason. and there were rumored to be free margaritas too.

there is a 2nd part of the club where you have to pay to get in. $20. and you cannot wink your way through that. bob saget said we could get in for free, but then they still said no. it was quite bizarre. what was bob saget doing at the ivar? he must be about 45….he looks about 26.

see what a full house will do for you.

the employees were freaking out b/c fred durst was supposed to show up. they were literally pushing people out of the way. that is when we decided to leave and went to ‘the room’.

i hugged a bouncer from philly and then i puked up my red bulls & vodka in the bathroom.

i have a meeting in precisely 10 minutes.

how are you?

7. baseball blog

perotheus

anna always tells me that i never tell the loyal readers of the blog when i have done a new photo essay or a new interview or done something to the web site.

so since i told her i wasnt going to do anything like that until she came back to tennis (which she did yesterday in Dublin) follwing her most recent injury… where was i?

oh yeah, i had the opportunity to chat with one of the hottest new girls of bloggerdom, lauren from madpony.com.

lauren is fifteen, an equestrian rider, is that how you say it? and an all-around funny chick.

my guess is she really does know how many days are in november.

her older sister kristin is in a sorority in oklahoma and will hopefully agree to an interview soon too.

people write in and ask me why i give these girls so much love. thats easy. they’re funny. theyre smart. and they both hype the busblog nearly every day.

they credit this blog with the success of their blog, which has only been around for less than a month, and yet i havent made their hall of fame. interesting. perhaps there is more to the nomination process than meets the eye.

some things that did not come out in the interview: lauren is a super fast typist. its crazy. she can do three lines before im done snorting one. [ rimshot ]. thank you.

she really does like the pancake maker that was first popularized when my good pals bonnie and charlie got one for me for my birthday. see, those two kids’ love has spread across this great land of ours.

is lauren taken? well thats a question that i didnt bother to ask. for all you boys still in highschool, lets just say perhaps you should ask her yourself. for all those men out of her age group, yes, shes taken and shes jailbait, so move on.

regardless, here is the interview. click the pictures to advance to the next page, and feel free to tell me how great it all was in the comments below.

5. screechin

6. what in the sam hill

i love raymi. let me tell you why.

raymi does everything that she knows that i like.

she dresses in lots of different hot outfits, she runs around naked. she smokes. she sings karaoke. she goes to baseball games. she hangs out with assholes. she makes her own money. she writes and writes. she loves sex and talking about sex. she loves lesbo love. she loves writing about loving lesbo love. and she loves me.

but most importantly, she sends me pictures of herself.

do you know how much i love pictures?

lots.

of all the blogs and web sites in the world, how many have as many pictures as this one?

one reason might be because people have the belief that we are all still using 33.6 modems and people wont wait for the pics to load and in their desperation to get as many eyeballs as humanly possible, they dont use pictures, or they dont bother with pictures, or they dont know where to get them, etc. etc. etc.

but most of you have fast connections, or you believe that it is worth it to wait for my pics.

and the porn industry has proven years ago that you will wait for pics regardless of your connection speed.

which is why i love raymi. she understands all of this and shows me her pictures via her web page and the boys send her money and she uses that money to fly here and make gorgeous canadian love to me.

and i am thankful.

raymi is only 19 and most young girls seem to think that if you give a man what he wants either he wont respect you or he’ll get bored or he’ll turn on you or he’ll call you a slut or all these varieties of negative things. and that might be the case for some fellas. but for others, if you give them what they want, they’ll give you everything.

everything, ladies.

and i know shes busy. shes working on her masters, shes in a womens bowling league. shes demonstrating in the park to help legalize baseball. but pretty much every day she’ll wake up, put the camera under her skirt and click a pic for your pal and email it off just to let me know that she still loves me.

and people, that means a lot to a dumbass like me. it means tons, actually.

i get emails from all sorts of people for all sorts of things. but the thing that rings my bell like no other is a little digital love from a cute little topless foreigner who truly doesnt give a fuck. a nibble from the north. something to get my juices going.

some girls worry that their tits arent that big or that they dont wear the right clothes or that they dont live in the right part of town. learn from raymi, gals. all that matters is your attitude, all that matters is you know what button to push.

in this case its the top one.

the one that makes the lens open for a split second.

the one that says tony i heart you.

this is me.

look at me.

want me.

have me.

forever.

take me.

do me.

love me.

lust me.

n

o

w.

raymi is the shit

Sent: Thursday, December 05, 2002 2:19 PM

To: knbc.news@nbc.com

Subject: Content Feedback

To whom it may concern:

…

I was shocked and dismayed to view the Michael Jackson “Photo Essay” slideshow on your site: http://html.nbc4.tv/sh/slideshow/_auto/sh4376s1.html

…

I’m not sure if this is a public domain because I couldn’t navigate to it in the usual way, but a friend sent it to me. I put “Photo Essay” into quotes because this technique was actually stolen from a great web author who has been using this technique for awhile now and from what I know about the Internet – he originated the style.

…

Not to mention there was no discussion of the content being displayed and the pictures were overused Michael Jackson photos that one could find anywhere and that have been viewed a million times over. Don’t even get me started on the horrid design. Or LACK of design.

…

If you have any integrity you will at least credit the author who has been using this style for a long time now. Or hey, better yet, contact him to create a masterpiece for you. tony@tonypierce.com.

…

Here is a sample of his work:

…

http://www.tonypierce.com/bestof.htm

…

And here is a particularly brilliant one:

…

http://www.tonypierce.com/fall/dearkids

…

Sincerely,

Mariah Carey

4. brett lamb