if one of the girls was actually into it or not into it.

strangely this wasnt the first time in the last 45 days where i had friends over who asked me to whip out the porn, and the fact that this time there were some ladies in the house did not make it any more comfortable.

we were watching kelly o’dell in one of her films for vivid and she was totally getting into it in no time flat and one of the girls on the couch called bullshit and said no way could a girl get that turned on my a simple little touch and i was all, you need to get around honey.

then the conversation moved over to pheromones and i had never thought about those before, but two of the ladies went on about how if a man walks past them and smells good they will raise their eyebrows and check the man out as he passes and let their minds wander.

very interesting i thought.

one particular woman complained that i wasnt showing any porn with a story to it.

it was 4am.

i said that i had given all of my chick porns to my ex girlfriend.

the girl said she didnt believe me.

lately nobody has believed me about anything.

but my exgirlfriend came back from the kitchen with a tray of makers mark shots for each of us and backed me up, saying that i had left her with a tidy little cache of well made, nasty porn with decent stories.

then a third girl laying on the shag twirled her hair and said that she didnt like stories in porns unless they were fairytales.

then someone called out “alice in wonderland!”

then someone called out “sleeping beauty!!”

then the neighbor upstairs called out, “shut the fuck up!”

then we laughed.

then we drank.

then i put in snoop dogg’s girls gone wild and people gasped.

sometimes i wonder about what i should do with the way that i earn money and i think about what a great porn reviewer i could be, but then i think about how i would like to go to Heaven this time, but then i think about old men who spent their whole lives learning how to paint the mona lisa or some other classic on a stamp and i think that the good Lord isnt gonna throw those dudes into Hell for “wasting” their talent.

but then i think about what a great porn director i would be and then i think that i dont want to go to hell again.

and i sat there trying to be a good host to my guests, to my very good friends, and it was nearly 5am on a friday night/saturday morning and i thought how i could give a tribute to ed wood and borrow from his films but make them porns. and the best thing about any film is the gimmick. what i would do with my ed wood films is complete them in the same amount of days that he completed his.

and then i would burn for eternity.

again.

like a sucka

bathtubgirl

i was talking to my computer who had a few questions for me.

what are you going to about those kids by the front gates?

what kids?

didnt you see those college girls?

no, where?

up front, fool! theyve been out at that gate since you were murdered!

why?

because they were so sad that you were gone and they waited for you to come back cuz they knew you would.

what do you think they want?

they probably want to talk to you.

i got nothing to say.

it doesnt matter, man. just say hi.

my computer knows im terribly shy. it knows that im lazy and once i put on my pajama bottoms then thats it for me for the night. it knows that if you say hi to one group of college girls whove been waiting outside, youll have to say to all of them.

i think some of them are strippers.

you know the sad thing, computer?

no sad stories tonight, tony.

sad thing is as much as i love you, im going to replace you soon.

are you trying to hurt my feelings?

no.

good, cuz i dont have any feelings.

good cuz me neither.

lies lies lies. is that all you learned in hell?

they lie way more on earth than in hell.

is that true?

nah.

reverse cowgirl

a lot of the ladies that i run into have the hots for one john cusak.

if you ask me why, i couldnt tell you why.

me, i like some of the ladies that the ladies dont appreciate and i suppose thats understandable.

and as i look around the world wide web, about once a week i will read someone say that they dont know why I have such a following.

to all of you, let me join in with your wonderment. i dont know why i get attention either.

but enough about me.

how are you, dear readers?

did you miss me while i was in hell?

i missed you.

tell me a story, internet.

read me a poem.

do you have a nice joke?

im bored.

im bored of this blog too.

after being in Hell everything now is dull and too easy.

maybe i will go back to doing things only on the web site from now on. no more bloggy blog.

i dont know.

color me confused.

all i know is i would like to hold some girlfriend auditions but im not real sure how one would go about doing that without a network show.

anyhow, glad to be back. glad the raiders will play on superbowl sunday. glad i got to hang out with my friends this weekend.

much love,

tony

friend of ken layne

got to sleep with a hot chick this weekend, had a party, got to barbeque, got to celebrate martin luther king day.

still, today im not feeling so hot for some reason.

theres a disturbance in the force.

i have a lot of readers out there watching my back and this one fine woman emailed me that some ass is saying that what i am putting on my blog isnt true.

once again, someone is saying that what i am writing here isnt true.

uh, duh.

nothing in here is true.

isnt that the subtext of all of this?

but obviously some of it is true.

for example, i put up an address for ashley to mail me my mansion and beach house keys, and that same address all of you loyal readers can send me nice things.

why on earth would i put up a phony address that might receive Xbox’s and size 10 one stars, and digital cameras, and blank recording media, and cds full of photographs and mp3s if i wasnt going to be able to receive such nice things?

ponderous, man, ponderous.

anyhow, i have ass to kick so let me go kick it.

sorry if i dont write much in here today, theres a lot of loose ends i gotta tie up since i have been in hell for over a month, but i will do my best to do my best.

one love, brothers and sisters.

mc brown

to interview me for this one thing, might have been the ny times or la times. hard to remember. i had just got back from hell.

she asked me how did i get into the internet. i said marc brown 96. then she asked me how many hits my blog gets. i said about a thousand a day. she says your stats say less. i said my stats are free stats and totally unaccurate. then i said my web site gets a thousand too.

she asked how come you think you get your hits.

i said i didnt know. and i wasnt kidding.

i said it cant be because of the writing, because if you wanted good writing you literally could read shakespeare on the web. nobody’s stopping you.

and its not because im a hot young girl walking around half naked.

and i dont write about politics or even that many current events, really.

and it’s not like i show porn on here, or call people whores.

plus everything in here is lies.

so, i have no idea why people read this thing everyday, i told her.

maybe they’ll tell me one day.

afterwards i made a nice johnny cash mixed cd that im liking very much. made sure to put his covers of “rusty cage” “hurt” and “personal jesus” right in the middle of it all.

then i called my pal matt and he told me that it’s all about the Los Angeles Examiner.

and i read Luke Ford and i saw that, indeed, it was all about the Los Angeles Examiner!

then ashley did some fucked up shit, so i broke up with her for the first time this year.

and hopefully for good.

then i remembered that the journalist woman said that dawn olsen had written some real nice things about me, so i went over to her page, and hey, she did say some really nice things about me.

thanks, dawn!

from there i saw that her boyfriend jim had done torched the place.

then i saw wKen’s frisco peace rally slide show and loved it so much.

especially this pic, and this pic, and this one, and this one and this one and this one and this one and this one, and i love this girl.

ah, frisco, they let people shoot up under the overpasses in the daytime, but they always know how to throw a good rally.

nice job, wKen.

well now it’s sunday and two hot miami vice girls came over last night and dropped off some welcome home cookies that smelled somewhat organic, so im gonna dip into those and then get ready for game one of the conference championships.

lets go buccaneers, lets go raidahs.

and ashley, you can mail me back my key.

tony pierce

4845 fountain #15

hollywood, ca 90029

the rest of you can feel free to send me whatever nice things your hearts desire.

laexaminer

hi.

my name is tony.

hundreds and hundreds of you have just clicked through at least one of the photo essays and now you’re here.

click here for more photo essays.

you can also leave me a comment and tell me how badass you think this blog is.

danka,

tony

i forgot to tell you that the whole time we were talking we were eating this sticky carmel stuff that we were sitting on.

it didnt smell that gross and it tasted ok and we were both starving like crazy and i could hear him eating it so i started eating it too.

most people dont know this about me but my stomach is pretty crazy. kurt used to have the same problem, before he blew his fool head off.

my stomach will hurt like a bitch if i put anything in there that it doesnt agree with, but as i have grown older it has gotten better.

i think it has to do with this natural herb that i was prescribed back in college.

i forget what its called.

anyway now if i eat something that doesnt agree with me it will either shoot right through me and come out one end, or i’ll get super sick and puke it up immediately.

this carmel stuff didnt make me puke or the other thing, but i started seeing weird colors and thinking bizarre thoughts.

everything had to be tied together in some way.

my line of thinking normally wanders any old which way but after i had a few handfulls of this almost peanut buttery gunk i was trippin pretty hard.

i heard kurt snoring somewhere over there and i figured we were dead anyway so what the hell.

then it felt like the walls were getting closer.

then it felt like someone turned up the heat up in this piece.

then it felt like someone turned up the air conditioner full blast.

then i saw little sparkely stars in the blackness.

then i could swear that i heard someone saying my name.

then i could swear that i could hear an angel and God talking about how disappointed they were in me.

then i could swear that i could hear the angel say that they could reassign my soul to the body of a lightskinned black man who would grow up and work for the secret angel-led undercover crime fighting unit called the xbi.

then i could swear that the good Lord said that He didnt think that i had what it took.

then i could swear that the angel said that they would make it so that i wouldnt be able to feel any pain because i really would still be dead.

then i heard the good Lord chuckle.

then i heard the angel chuckle.

then they both started laughing.

then they either high- or low-fived, it was dark, i couldnt see shit but weird colors.

then i got punched in the nose and i passed out.

glennreynolds.com

that blogging from the strange thick heavy wet darkness isnt so easy.

in fact the fact that one could blog from this place should be considered some sort of modern miracle.

in fact the fact that i have been blogging in secret from an internet cafe in the pits of Hell should be regarded as spectacular to say the least, but i guess i shouldnt be suprised when not everyone shares my beliefs.

so me and kurt sat around in the humid nothingness talking to each other about punk rock, poetry and the decline of major league baseball in the minds of the average american.

then he told me that he had to ask me some questions about life on earth since he’s been gone.

is music any better?

nope.

is rock any better?

hell no.

how about tv?

tv’s pretty good. they have a lot of reality shows now.

like Cops?

weirder than that.

what was the best thing that you’ve seen on tv in the last 10 years?

they had this thing called The Glutton Bowl, where they had people eating brains and balls and mayonaise…

what sort of balls?

cow balls.

oh shit, i thought you meant like tennis balls or ping pong balls.

nah, cow balls.

cooked?

i think so.

how much mayonaise?

bowls and bowls. they made them eat sticks of butter too.

incredible.

yep.

and brilliant.

oh yeah.

what did they win once they ate all that?

i dont remember.

hmmm. i miss earth, tony.

it misses you too, kurdt.

moxie

kurt cobain had flown down into the pits of hell, rescued me, and now we sat in utter darkness.

nearly nothingness.

are we still in hell?

no.

are we in Heaven?

no.

are we ok?

no.

do you know whats going on?

yes.

are you going to tell me?

no.

do i have to figure it out?

no.

do you think i can figure it out?

no.

it was a thick darkness. like gravity was heavier.

and still somewhat liquidy.

like you were underwater

but not that heavy.

like if you were a slow fish.

are we in limbo?

no.

did rock and roll just save my soul?

that broken girl