i just hope that this food poisoning that i got last night eating some miso-whorni soup passes by then. its the hollywood bowl for petesake. how bad could it be?

the last time i was there was a while back when karisa and i saw santana. it was so bad that we walked as far up to the top of the bowl so we could talk all night. the problem was it sounded exactly like his record. even the solos were note-for-note, and he didnt want to play any of his old stuff cuz he was about to win all those grammys for that new one.

my true love is over too. shes sick too. we’re both very lucky that i always have far too much tp in the house. and theyre double rolls. why wouldnt you buy double rolls if you could?

at their most expensive, a huge multipack of tp is gonna set you back eight bucks. the day eight bucks breaks me is a day i deserve to crap in my cutoffs.

it came on during 60 minutes last night. kerry and edwards were smiling and laughing and interrupting each other like theyre never going to have the chance to open their mouths all summer. it started the agita.

chill out fellas, i said to the tv as i popped tums. so defensive. if i was them i would just laugh at everything.

q. sen kerry, they say that sen edwards has no experience to be vp.

a. ahahahahaha. tell whoever said that wisdom knows know age. america is young. america is the greatest country. especially if youre white. and handsome. like sen edwards. and male.

ahahahahaha.

male helps.

a blogger can dream cant he.

yes im delirious. yes im dehydrated. yes i want to talk about my excretions. but i will save that for later.

ive now read all the magazines in my bathroom.

if you know my magazine collection, you know how impressive that is.

we tried to watch the Dreamers last night on dvd. so bad.

trio was having a The Parking Lot marathon, so we kept going back over to that.

walk with fire + jaime + nay

are procrastinating like nobodies beeswax.

its five o’clock and it wasnt that long ago that we were having breakfast at fred sixty two. she had this eggs sandwich on a bagel with avecado and goat cheese tomato and hash browns. i had the two by four which is two slices of bread two eggs two bacons and hash browns.

she had coffee i had chocolate milk. everything went down real nice sitting out there with the shade of vermont across the street from the world famous house of pies.

all the cool kids were there. if you were older and grayer you were at the fake french place where the coffee shop used to be. figaro something. name escapes me.

eighty in the shadey two bucks for extra gravy.

last night we watched Bad(er) Santa on dvd. i couldnt believe how much i laughed out loud.

truly amazing.

right now we’re thinking about doing laundry. thinking about seeing spidey.

listening to cheap trick on mp3 with all the windows open and the long shadows coming through the french doors.

no tv on.

coke next to the rum.

dogs somewhere barking at sprinklers.

thinking hard about taking more pictures.

thinking hard about not doing a got damn thing.

now its lou reed doing sweet jane from i think berlin that album the one that sounds like the grateful dead and pink floyd with the dead winning a little.

this morning we woke up and i said what would it be like to be little again and right now we’d be on summer vacation. every day is saturday.

she said there was a point when i realized that i was lucky to be on summer vacation because my mom had to go to work.

and i remember having the same realization when i was twelve or so.

and somewhere i forgot that the true success in life is breaking the shackles of having to go to work every day.

i had it going for a little while there.

but first i want to put a new blook out.

call it bush can lick my nuts or something.

walking down vermont is liking listening to sweet jane

you realize that pretty much nobody is falling for this bullshit

that you should just relax

its cool

drop off your dirty shit to the old man

free time is priceless, laundry is for suckers.

kiss the girl in front of you before she can say no.

sweet jane.

sweet jane.

look how hot my wife is + i am the viking + i am the world trade center

the most dominant center in basketball since wilt.

the empire was showing signs of cracking when jerry west left to gm the worst team in the nba at the time, the memphis grizzlies. this year they made the playoffs.

and now after two years in a row without a ring phils gone and now it looks like shaq is on his way out.

shaq, my favorite laker since magic.

in return i get the the six foot ten small forward pothead lamar odom. the six foot nine alleged center brian grant. and third year unproven six seven small forward caron butler.

wtf is that?

all so kobe will re-sign?

scorers are a dime a dozen in the nba. centers are not. centers are a rarity.

the lakers without jerry west are panicking and thinking that because six foot nine ben wallace could lead the lead in boards, size doesnt matter.

they wish.

size matters. unfortunately.

and ben wallace is a freak of nature. he’s an anomolie. and brian grant is no ben wallace, and hes definately no shaq.

i would have traded kobe and built around shaq. the only consistant laker starter in the playoffs. the only one who improved in the finals despite the refs and their calls against him.

this year will prove one thing once and for all, kobe is no michael jordan, the lakers are nothing without shaq, and phoenix will win the west.

it will be easy to get laker tickets at staples.

if they wanted to trade shaq they should have traded him to sacto for webber and brad miller.

people would say, you dont trade within your conference, you dont want him to come back to bite you.

but when you talk about sacramento you neednt worry.

the kings dont know how to win.

shaq deserved better.

im just glad that chick hearn didnt have to be around to see this.

net reboot + sk smith + matt welch

starring will ferrell, christina applegate, and vince vaughn

directed by adam mckay

saturday night live hasnt been good for a very long time.

but for a few years will ferrell not only made it watchable, but enjoyable.

he is now beloved, genuinely funny, and versitile. another in the long line of saturday night live alumni who have successfully made the jump to film.

it is no suprise then to understand that at the root of the huge disappointment that is anchorman is the writing and directing of adam mckay

who is adam mckay? the first-time director responsible for years of bad writing for saturday night live.

anchorman is what happens when you run a five minute snl skit to two hours. its one joke, totally overboard, with very few suprises or interesting gags, despite the few glittering moments during cameos with jack black, ben stiller, and tim robbins.

the audience wants to laugh. the audience wants to jump in, but like the stiff clueless charactacture of the news anchor that ferrell is portraying, the film has no heart, no real life of its own, no dimension.

the cast of old school was totally wasted.

on the greg vaine scale of reviewing movies, anchorman is a mediocre Good.

and christina applegate should have been replaced by jenny mccarthy.

i laughed more during the trailers of fahrenheight 9-11.

kevyn malone + jason goldman + paige

you’ve got your Hollywide smile and your clean blue shirt

your fat black wallet and all the money that goes in it,

nobody questions or likes or knows

you but your title

while cob webs creep in the

corners of your gray temples

and butter cookies stale on the tables in the backroom

where literary dignitaries drool on your blue scuffed shoes

repeating essays they’ve heard and cudding through world news.

the signposts ahead have staples where the clues once stood

they say, “please just smile,

we don’t really want to hear from you.”

you play the role quiet beautiful

and after all we elected you

as the blind seek to see, as do the dumb,

the drunk wants to pee “Dylan is not a poet”

you say as if you really know it.

some times some folks say the wrong things

othertimes people push their head tween their knees

and shove their skull so far up their ass

they peek wheezing from their fuzz-infested bellybuttons

and nothing can be said to such a

misguided oaf of a man.

hendrix zepplin or even eazy e

combined dont get the radio play of your britney

but that doesnt mean that nagel painted

better than vincent van

go back to Massachusettes and write about snow

jobs blow jobs write about something that you know about

like buggar snots or the nail on your big toe:

see that dirt stashed in it?

pick it out and smell

but don’t write about it unless you’re gonna mail

it to Hellecticut as that’s the place

where boredom and ignorance dwell.

meanwhile Monday menstrates

through soiled sheets of Weekend’s sin

and finds you curled up and shiverring

listening to Maggie’s Farm,

believing and crying and asking

“my god what does this mean?”

beauty queen

jelly bean

jimmy dean

sausage

au age

ge

e.

with my true love.

these are the things the republicans want me to write about.

sadly.

meanwhile im going to beat off every time the instapundit takes a shot at michael moore.

might as well join em.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i was the worlds most popular blogger.

i know i would change.

have to.

success and popularity changes everyone. its normal.

but for some reason i think i would end up being more willing to show the opinions of the other side. especially if my influence was on average literally 50,000 times more powerful than the average blog.

for example, if i talked about washington dc and i didn’t mention the fact that the president’s controversial texas air national guard payroll records suddenly accidentally were destroyed, i think i’d have to talk about it.

i think that would be something i wouldn’t want to turn my back to.

especially after all that hogwash when that one guardsman said he saw some of bush’s records in the trash.

or, if the president of the united states was prepared to be the first sitting president since hoover to dis the naacp by not speaking with them during his term, i think i might be inclined to talk about that too.

a rich white republican president… i don’t know… in election year… i mean the blacks in florida alone…

ok, whatever.

i do know id probably swear less if i had 100,000 readers. or id pick em out better.

and id spell check.

and i might actually read the shit before i hit publish post.

and i would take down my pay pal button.

and i would do everything i could not to sell out, and keep whatever edge i have true.

i had a great talk the other day with a man who i really wish would blog.

he reads all the blogs and is a true centrist.

and an honest and well-read gentleman.

he has no problem admitting that this shit is all about oil. and he has no problem admitting that he refuses to see f-9/11, although he’s not so comfortable owning up to why.

its that struggle that i wish more bloggers would write about. on both sides.

in november im going to vote for a guy that karisa could tell you about, but of whom i know very little.

im not in love with kerry but no fucking way will i vote for bush.

i heard someone say on the radio that they wouldn’t vote bush out because it would give the wrong message to the terrorists. it would admit that we lost the war. that we lost our pride and are firing him for 9/11.

if i was that dj, id say baby, the most deadly thing you could do to fight terrorism is have a free american life. which means voting out retards when it becomes obvious that they’re retards.

the only bush payroll records that were destroyed were the three months in question?

only a retard would believe that shit

and only a retard would play that shit.

and after anchorman we’re doing our laundry.

the best whitehouse press conference regarding the national guard records (watch the video as you read along)

tonight 7/9

gram parsons tribute: keith richards + norah jones + steve earle + dwight yoakam + john doe, santa barbara county bowl

gipsy kings, greek

pillow fight, club lingerie

maze, universal

poncho sanches, conga room

tomorrow 7/10

gram parsons tribute: keith richards + norah jones + steve earle + dwight yoakam + john doe, universal amphitheatre

buckethead, knitting factory

clutch, roxy

saccharine trust, the scene

digital underground, key club

gipsy kings, greek

krs-one, malibu inn

berlin + gene loves jezebel + psychedelic furs, pacific amphitheatre

sunday 7/11

tracy chapman, hollywood bowl

preservation hall jazz band, amoeba (free)

jose feliciano, the vault

monday 7/12

MERE MORTALS, viper room

jill scott, house of blues

tuesday 7/13

michael penn, largo

wednesday 7/14

rush, verizon amphitheatre

sarah mclachlan, staples

indio girls, disney concert hall

youssou n’dour, henry fonda

the finn brothers, avalon

danny aiello, house of blues

thursday 7/15

young dubliners, santa monica peir (free)

the like, troubador

she should be allowed to get a damn tattoo, the crazy woman in the back of the bus said over and over and over

and over again.

i was late. the busses were running late. the subway was late. the sun was late. but the wheelchair guy was right there next to me and the guy the fbi has been trying to keep close on my trail was right there and i just stared at him until he went across the street and got on a red bus.

finally an orange bus arrived and we started rolling.

she can get a damn tattoo if she pleases. angelina jolie.

the woman said most of this to the window.

the bus stopped at the el pollo loco and a chubby black dude got on. he was in mid cell phone conversation.

yeah i saw fahrenheight 9/11 the other day finally.

yeah she says that LA doesnt have any regular people, and i disagree with that. shes from indiana. then she moved to chicago. but chicago is so condensed. in LA you have to drive around a little to find it.

the crazy lady kept mimicing what the brotha was saying but he didnt notice.

yeah she’s claiming emeryville but emeryville didnt even exist until ’97-’98, there was the world market, but thats it. the train station. claiming emeryville, i wanted to tell her, bitch you from oakland.

you from oakland, the woman told the window.

you from oakland.

wheelchair guy got out. dressed up asian lady got out. she was very nervous. too dressed up, maybe it was a job interview she had to go to.

you from oakland.

my stop was coming up but i didnt want to pull the string.

when you pull the string a prerecorded voice of a woman announces Stop Requested. its a new thing. i think they started it around the first of the year. so relatively new.

i didnt want to pull the string cuz then the bus would stop and i would have to go to work. work is gonna suck today cuz we’re going to hang out under this one place. by under i mean under. in the sewer for a while. then crawl behind the building. then pop out through a manhole cover. welcome to the glamorous life of the xbi.

lately ive been pulling the string after my stop. im weird. prolonging the inevitable for one more minute. one day i wont pull the string at all and just ride the bus to the end of the line, santa monica beach. which is full of tourists this time of year.

stop requested stop requested the crazy lady said.

i pulled the string and remembered it was friday and i wondered why i didnt call in sick.

oh thats right, because there is no calling in sick at the xbi.

they will come and get you if youre sick

and by get you i dont mean pick you up.

livia + anon exhibit + oliver willis

last photo essay of the week (lets hope)

offline adventures + simpleton + tink + raspil has a new camera

for a major movie studio. since im casually looking for new employment, i took a long lunch yesterday and filled out an application.

after the regular blah blah blah of where do you currently work (Denny’s), where do you live, etc, there came a part where they asked about writing ideas. ideas for tv shows, radio shows, and movies.

i wasnt sure if they were trying to steal ideas from me, figure out if i was crazy, figure out if i was a good employee, or seriously trying to find out if i could write something good in a small room while under the gun.

since i didnt trust any of it i took little pictures of what they asked and what i wrote. here’s one little section.

We would like you to think of your own idea for a movie that is tailored specifically towards all things you consider “manly.” Please write:

3. An explanation of how exactly this movie is representative of your own personal thoughts and feelings about being a man

1. Death Goes Crazy II

2. Two teenage brothers, recently orphaned have to figure out a way to pay for their grandparents’s medical bills or end up in foster care with the creepy catholic priest guy. So they wind up barbacking at the strip club at the state line where they learn about the birds and bees very quickly and end up realizing that they have quite a talent for long range riflery while doing a “favor” for the boss who also doubles as a loan shark.

Everything is great until they are busted. Forced with the option of jail or working undercover for the fbi, they choose the feds and start taking out “terrorists” with uncanny accuracy and poise.

As they travel they continue to visit strip clubs around the world, learning a variety of successful marketing schemes and sharing them with whoever will listen. they even give tips to the dancers on how to close sales, get repeat sales, and groovy dance moves.

One day they find out that the FBI has been using them. Their targets in many cases werent terrorists, but simply people the fbi didnt like. for any reason. when they learn this, they teach the strippers the secrets of marksmanship and the blood of evil fbi agents everywhere fill the streets when death goes crazy.

danielle + andrew dice clay cusses on cnn + who says the kids are apathetic?