as if i have some pipeline into the future or into God or into television and record programming.

well i do have a pipeline into the future but i try not to reveal it because i value my safety and i wouldnt want to be kidnapped by hoodlums who would sit me infront of the big screens at the sports book at caesars and tell them which ponies to bet on across the country.

yes, britney spears is pregnant. duh.

look at the size of that bun in the oven!

and while we’re at it, big deal.

why is that so important to you?

each day i give you at least one or two real issues to chew on: my love life, my career plans, my concerns about the blogosphere, the cubs, religion, my lack of a sex life, the downfall of america at the hands of the right, kids kicking ass on the interweb, and tsar’s incredibly slow rise up the pop charts.

women get knocked up all the time, why is pimply faced, slack jawed, no talent britney spears womb of such concern, particularily in light of who has been fertilzing that empty space?

i think britney is pregnant for several reasons at the top of the list being that shes eating like a damn pig. i eat like a damn pig too so i actually like that shes gorging herself because people should live their lives and not worry about dumb things like fitting into size 2 jeans, but most of us arent popstars whose uniforms include bellyshirts and etc.

i also think britney is pregnant because her bazooms are balossoming like nobodies bazisiness. i remember not long ago when she was doing a pepsi commercial and they were doing a behind the scenes about it and they said that her boobs were looking really big and she was all, pushup bra im sure.

compare and contrast these pictures of her in a bikini with exhibit d.

all of this would also explain her somewhat frantic rush to get married last year, her willingness to rush together a greatest hits package and lack of any plans to tour any time soon.

personally im glad shes pregnant. if shes lucky maybe she will look as hot as zulieka.

cityrag + moon over pittsburgh + stereogum + gm blog

so repulsive?

let me count the ways.

first they’re cowards. anyone can snipe from the hills from a blind and spew out falsities and lies and bullshit and malarkey. anyone. remember when that kid did it from the trunk of an old car in washington dc? he was pathetic. a pathetic mess. i dont want to believe that there is something about my blog that attracts pathetic cowards to my shit, so thats one reason i hate anonymous negative commentors.

second they’re usually wrong. when youre right you sign your name to things like john hancock. you sign it like you mean it. youre saying fuck yeah tony im into this just like my name is _____ ______. when people dont put their name next to their bullshit they’re almost admitting that they’re wrong and full of shit. so why bother us with your trifles? the busblog deserves better. the web deserves better. america deserves better.

thirdly, they’re probably hiding something. you think im kidding about working for the xbi? every person who clicks this page leaves behind a traceable identifying piece of information that outs them. very very very few of you block where youre coming from and those who leave comments have very little means to cloak their (and their computer’s) identity. these fools know that, but they still play the kiddy cat and mouse game and make me click one button to find out who they are. and when i find out i say, oh no wonder that person isnt being transparent, that person is never transparent. perhaps when these people are being transparent i will want their comments, but not until then. so f off. lying liars are for right wing talk radio, not the busblog.

fourthly, they usually cant write for shit. youd think having a mask and hood would pump them up with a fearlessness where they could write from the heart and blow us away with their newfound quasicourage, but no. sadly they never could write in the first place and therefore have no practice in busting decently even without the burden of their regrettable family name. so they now bore us with whines and belches without reading what they’re so outraged about. who are they to judge when nothing they have done is admirable?

ultimately they have brought loads of negative attention onto themselves and proven nothing about their point other than they are too chicken shit to figuratively stand behind it, therefore they admit to not fully believing in what they wrote and yet still they ask us to consider it.

as if.

either roll back up into the cowardly ball of smegma that you obviously find yourself in most of your life, or suck it up and be a man once in your life and put your worthless name and worthless email address and or blog address on your bullshit the next time you dare question hewhoridesthebus.

angelina + large american penis wishes us a happy dingus day + ciavarro

Bill Plachke, LA Times

Aisle 25, first row, seats 1, 2, 3, 4.

Numbers to anyone else, but a life’s work for Irving Zeiger, who has had the best seats in the house for as long as there has been a house.

Zeiger mailed his initial deposit for Dodger season tickets while the team was still in Brooklyn, reportedly the first check Walter O’Malley received.

When O’Malley built Dodger Stadium, he rewarded Zeiger by renting him the cornerstone.

His seats were in the first row directly above the Dodger dugout. He was so close he could smell the resin and spot the tobacco stains. He wore a glove not for souvenirs, but protection.

For 43 years he has sat there, placing his diet soda on the dugout roof and autograph-seeking kids at his feet and embracing this town’s last bit of unchanging real estate.

“It may sound funny, but to enjoy these seats with my family, to share them with others, I really had an emotional feeling about them,” said Zeiger, 86.

Then, this winter, he received a phone call.

It was a strange woman from this strange new organization known as, well, the Dodgers.

The voice was cheery. The news sounded good.

The Dodgers had moved the dugout closer to the field and installed four new rows of seats behind it. But Zeiger need not worry, he could retain his four stadium-best seats directly above the new dugout.

It would cost him only $120,000.

You read that right.

It would cost him only $120,000.

Irv Zeiger has cheered for Koufax, screamed for Gibson, pumped his fist for Piazza.

But no Dodger has ever blown him away like that woman on the phone.

“I thought she was joking,” he said. “She wanted $120,000 from me to keep those seats I’ve had for half my life?”

Zeiger was scheduled to pay $20,000 for his four seats, so the new figure constituted a 500% increase.

To move up four rows.

To watch a team that has won one playoff game in 16 years.

To support an owner who spent the winter breaking up a division champion while slashing the payroll.

read the rest

h/t bloggin.la + free cat + welch on fire

all the time, why dont they keep their filthy paws off the ten commandments statues in the courthouse which noone pays any attention to

and instead focus on the easter bunny, eggs, candies, fake grass, bonnets and peeps

all of whom are blatantly offensive to this country’s national religion, one where Easter is supposed to be the highest of holy days, the celebration of the final miracle, and the ultimate proof that Jesus was God, the Resurrection.

and as Christian Conservatives, you sit on your hands as they allow a upright bunny with a bowtie pass out jelly beans and hard boiled chicken eggs?

lets go to isreal and see how theyd treat us if we started decorating our house posts with the Hannakuh Hippo who shits out brightly colored watermellons for all the children to induldge in. dont forget to save the seeds!

many people said that the last election slid in favor of bush because we had turned into a moral and Christian nation but that was obviously a load of crap, and with every jelly bean sold at wal*mart it becomes more and more apparent that religion is merely a convenient blind to hide behind when one wants to be homophobic, or controlling, or ignorant

allowing candies to replace scripture on the holiests of days and literally feeding it to our children, the same children who we allegedly do all the things we do to protect.

i cant have titties on tv because of the children.

i cant hear people speak like adults on the radio because of the children.

marijuana is not legal because of the children.

people cant walk around wearing nothing except for what the Lord gave them because of the children.

records are labeled with a sticker claiming explicit language so that parents wont accidentally buy the wrong thing for their children.

and yet one of the few holidays where you actually give something to your children you give them high fructose corn syrup in the shape of a chicken?

germanic heathens gave their children eggs and danced around in the spring time, since when are you interested in having your messiah play second-fiddle in your child’s eyes to the cartoonish and spiritless ignorances of second century fools?

and you call yourselves moral.

a womans breast on television is nothing compared to the easter bunny on the holiest day for even a child knows the purpose of breasts, what, red state Christians, is the easter bunny’s purpose on this holy day.

i call you out for being the worst sort of hypocrite so called conservative christians. one who uses the holy bible to push your personal politics of control, hatred, fear, and intolerance. for throughout the few holy holidays that you celebrate, at every turn you allow the bastardization of your so-called faith to seep into the collective conciousness of your most prized possessions. you dont have a problem protesting the end of a brain dead life or an abortion, but when someone wants to replace religion with wrapping paper and pastels you roll right over and stick your ass up and beg for it.

and some of you may say oh but its so hard to take the story of good friday and easter and make it fun for kids and to you i say you havent even tried.

children are precisely the ones who believe your bullshit about santa claus huffing it down every chimney in the world with gifts, a filthy lie full of far more fantasies than the concept of john 3:16 or the resurrection

running around squawking about the sanctity of life and then blindly ignoring the magic of life after death?

and dare i say that the creativity involved in attempting to grasp God’s Love, or rebirth, or the nature of sin are where one should want children’s minds to be pushed

instead you sell out your offspring by pretending that they couldnt understand the greatest story ever told

and instead you feed them sticky sweet lies which promise nothing but cavities.

and you think you deserve a part of heaven after your time here on earth

keep dreaming.

anti has been making films like mad + vortexia + zulieka (pictured, bottom)

starring Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, and Kirsten Dunst
written by Charlie Kaufman
directed by Michel Gondry

the problem with most critics is they’re easilly fooled. for example, just because Adaptation. was better than 95% of the movies that came out doesnt mean that it was good. interesting looking dog turds are still dog turds, doesnt matter what evil genius produced it.

the eternal sunshine of the blah blah blah isnt a dog turd. but it does have a rotten poop right in the middle of it that most people are going to be willing to overlook because it was created by a screenwriter who Might become a genius once everyone stops kissing his narcisistic ass.

i recommend that you see this movie, but im not going to rave because it doesnt deserve to be raved about. yes it is creative and different and interestingly shot, and Very well acted. but its flaws are huge and easilly corrected if only someone had the nads to speak up and tell charlie that he’s off the map.

he’s right on the money in so many ways, as was the director, as was the casting, that it only makes the mistakes that much more glaring and unbelievable.

my girlfriend kristin dunst is adorable in this, my boy jim carrey shows that once again – as in The Truman Show – that he can be “serious” and be just as good as any dramatic actor – and kate winslet continues to amaze and impress.

special kudos has to go to whoever the music coordinator was who got beck to contribute to the soundtrack. if the fucker is going to be all droney and somber the best place for him to be is on movie soundtracks where that shit flies.

heres what i want charlie kaufman to do: i want him to team up with spike lee. spike is crazy, but his storylines dont have any gaping holes.

then i want charlie kaufman to do a trilogy with spike jonez.

then i want charlie kaufman to take a year off and chill

then i want charlie kaufman to make a star wars movie with george lucas.

then i want charlie kaufman to make a batman movie with tim burton.

then i want charlie kaufman to make Blues Brothers 2001 where the ghost of John Belushi beats the fuck out of Dan Ackroyd and Jim Belushi for the first half of the movie for making blues brothers 2000, and then they go into space eat acid and reinvent punk rock

in space no one can hear you say oi.

then i want charlie kaufman to let me direct snoop dogg in iceberg slim’s pimp.

and im telling you right now. there will be no gigantic flaws in our shit.

roger ebert fucking wished he could write reviews like me

after the debauchery + terra + blogging.la + volume 2

and while he was dying, and perhaps we’ve discussed this before, but he yelled out something that makes his death believable.

the bible has a tough trick to pull when it introduces a charachter who is God but is also a man, somehow, and he is born simply to die.

the trick is making you believe that the death is really a death

because if it’s God dying – who really cares?

we care about Death because we’re just ignorant humans who dont know whats on the other side, but big deal if Jesus dies, all thats gonna happen is He gets to go back home.

therefore who cares about Him “dying” on Good Friday who cares that He will return on Easter?

all thats happening is he’s taking little trips back and forth from heaven. big whoop.

so the Bible has to do something special in this story to make us believe that Jesus’s death is real, it’s important, and it’s different than any human death, and one of the reasons that i believe in the bible is because it does do that something special.

it records Jesus on the cross yelling out after nine hours something so fascinating to even the writers that they kept it in its original aramaic

Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani

or, why hast thou forsaken me!

whats so brilliant about that line, in my opinion, is that it’s Jesus, or God, expressing pain and anguish and impatience and discomfort in a truly human manner: bitching.

i might argue that not until that moment do we see Jesus actually as a man. He’s distrustfull in that line, He doesn’t know what the frickin holdup is all about, He’s paid for all the sins – so He thinks – and now He wants to go home. those arent the feelings of the alpha and the omega these are the feelings of someone who thinks he might get the short end of the deal.

some might even say that it’s a slight moment of doubt. imagine that. a religious book about God crying out right before his death to Himself a big fat wtf. self-doubt presented in a unique manner.

non-believers sometimes call the bible propoganda written by the church and there are many ways to show this as completely false i believe that this is a prime example.

what propagandist is going to say that the messiah of the religion, on his most important day sorta freaks out for a quick second embodying the concept of desertion and aloneness right before he dies? most propagandists would have God die in a much more heroic, all-knowing and trusting way.

this death is far closer to one that you or i might have, or one that any of the other men and women who died on the cross back then.

to me when Jesus shreiks that out i finally believe that He is paying for sins, that he is sufferring, and therfore whatever superherolike abilities that He may have regarding pain are gone and He truly is a man at that point.

which makes it perfect that He dies soon after that because now His re-appearance is that much more miraculous and unlike anything that we would be able to do.

im not sure if any of you understand what im trying to describe, but there it is. happy good friday and baba booey to you all.

ken layne accept the challenge from sk smith + danielle’s free cable was discovered + flagrant has a nightmare

and rarely does anything like this. but when you read his answers you understand why he jumped in. for some reason he picked me to take this quiz even though he knows that i read far more blogs than pages on paper. but i’ll do my best.

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

like matt i have no idea what this question is asking. but if i had to be a book i would be the bible. it’s crazed and full of variety. it’s easilly the most well-written book of all despite being written by lots of people over various periods of time. the stories are insane the people are believable and even when you think you know whats going to happen next someone does something totally bizarre like listen to the talking snake instead of God, and thats just page five.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

even though Roberta in Lynda Barry’s “Cruddy” is 14, shes pretty amazing. she’s good with a knife, likes to make out, does acid on her rooftop and puts up with her father calling her son. the whole time i was thinking, i wonder what she would be like when she grows up. maybe lynda will make a sequel.

The last book you bought is:

Charles Bukowski “You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense” for Bunny McIntosh for her birthday a few weeks back which is ironic because i dont think bunny has ever been alone in her life. this is a great collection of poems and short stories. it was one of the first bukowski books i ever really got into because the poems are short and easy to dive into and the stories are sexy and sad.

The last book you read:

“The Most Fucked Up Person Alive Tells All” by HC

this is a book that i first saw on the web long before blogs. whoever HC was put the whole thing on web pages for free and dared you to print it out and read it or just read it on your screen. it was such an outrageous story that i never forgot it and when i was bored one day i put the title into an ebay search engine and there it was.

this is the prologue:

I was born to hijack space shuttles and blackmail cities and start world neurolic wars. And be kicked out of rooms and institutions and off planets and out of solar systems.

I was born to be the kind of person that intercepts a satellite feed and superimpsses flashing titles like “Disingenuous Slimeball” “Mass Murderer” or “Dickhead” over its images of celebrities and world leaders.

And I was even born to be elected President of the Cosmos — on a platform of “Fuck the Economy! Fuck the People! Fuck the Police!”

Or else I wasn’t born this way at all, and something must have happened in life itself, to make it this way.

thats how you start a fucking book.

What are you currently reading?

“The Insider’s Guide To Getting an Agent” by Lori Perkins because i’d secretly like to be a published author someday and everyone who has done it says it starts with getting a good agent.

Five books you would take to a deserted island.

one of my favorite photo essays deserves a little hype right now. it’s called happy easter.

its a good example of how easy photo essays are to make.

the biggest reason i think more people dont do them is because they dont have hosting for their pictures and their pages.

get hosting. it’s around $5-$15 a month.

this is 2005. we should have flying cars and robot maids and get tall pills by now. do your part and get hosting for your shit and keep progress moving.

then you can make a photo essay.

all you do is figure out a story that you want to tell, search the internet for pictures that will match up with the story and youre almost done.

then get a program like dreamweaver. center the picture into the page. and put the text under the pic. dont put more than three lines under each picture. remember that the beauty of the photo essay is that it allows people to click. people love to click. so let them.

dont make the pic too big that people will have to scroll down. but dont make the pic so small that they cant see it immediately. its good if you have photoshop so you can size the pic or crop it so it shows you exactly what you want them to see.

link the pic to the next page. use border=0 so theres no band around the picture.

make the background color match the picture in some way. for example, if you have a picture of a model who is on a white background, make the background of the page white. it will make the subject of the image stand out more and you wont see the edges of the picture so much. use contrast and brightness to match up the white (or black) with the background.

have fun.

dont be afraid if your photo essay seems to be long. ive done 50+ page photo essays that people speed right through.

also know that a good chunk of people will never make it past the first page, so on that first page put instructions as to how to work the photo essay. realize however that most people dont go backwards, so no need having forward and/or back buttons on each page.

however it might be a good idea to have a “go back to the beginning” link on the very last page so folks can experience your genius repeatedly.

also remember that im the king of photo essays and i break all of these rules in happy easter but thats cuz i was drunk that night and lazy and i just wanted to get it done.

it took about 3-4 hours, which isnt really that long unless you’re an imbecile like i am and started it at midnight after drinking at the bar with karisa.

happy good thursday!

eve + jeff gannon lied about being a marine + pimpin

she asked if i was sad to be back from vacation, i said no.

she asked if i was sad that the cubs pitching staff was falling apart i sighed and said no.

she asked if i was sad that my swedish virgin sgirfriend didnt wanna make out with me any more and i said yes, but that wasnt why i was depressed.

we drove through the wet streets of hollywood and passed soaking hookers and passed out bums. we drove past abandoned cars and burnt out shacks. she asked if i wanted to stop by the 99 cents store which usually cheers me up but i didnt even answer her.

she turned off the tom waits and dialed up AM radio which everyone loves and the sports talk dude was laughing about barry bonds claiming that he might quit baseball and i asked her to change the channel and she knew why i was suddenly so somber.

barry bonds was going to quit.

she said, wait, what? you’re bummed because of the most hated man in baseball?

and i nodded. and wept a little.

its true that even though i have despised mr bonds my whole life, and worked for the Giants in 97 just to see if that hate was justified (t’was) for some reason i was depressed that the biggest giant’s career was about to be over just like that.

how do you know its over she asked honking at a milk truck who had cut her off, and i said its the three pronged attack

– hes on the juice, he knows hes on the juice, everyone knows hes on the juice and this year he will test positive for it right as hes trying to break babe ruths record

– he just had his third knee operation and it didnt take

– his mistress of nine years is about to come out with a tell-all book claiming that he admitted to taking steroids and

most men could handle one of those affronts, but three? not at 40. not with the scrutiny that the press would hand him once he approached the 714 mark for career homers (currently he’s at 703).

and the book this woman is about to release is brutal. describing all the changes that bonds went through as the roids started to take effect: back acne, rage, bloating. its just too much.

i was sad because the chase was over. we all thought that bonds would break these records no problem. we all expected to hate him as he casually destroyed all these mythological milestones.

but now all of that was going to go away in part because of bonds’ arrogance and in part because he doesnt know how to handle his bitches.

just like in organized crime, its not the crime that has done barry bonds in, it’s how his house wasnt in order, and just like how old mafia guys went down because of tax evasion, one of baseballs greatest sluggers will end his career prematurely because he wasnt able to muzzle his ho.

and so me and anna kournikova parked out front of my home and watched the rain collect on the windshield and even though she knew it would upset her man, she made out with me until i felt better

which wasnt until many hours into the night.

rabbit is back + anti + leah is back + raymi

reviewed my book “How To Blog” today.

because it’s so nice i have chosen to copy and paste it in it’s entirety here since he put it “below the fold” of his post damning the vice president’s trip to reno (“Good luck selling Reno on your make-believe Social Security fuckaround!”) and his props to Achewood’s new baby.

as you know ken and i have been friends for centuries and i have lived in the apartment that he once resided. some historian may say that the entire busblog was written in the closet of the apartment that layne wrote some of his greatest works, but in truth half of the busblog was written on various computers at the xbi during my government mandated fifteen minute breaks and at lunch.

I see my pal Tony Pierce is just about sold out of his “How To Blog” book. And this means I’ve failed to write a review in time to do any good. (I blame the baby.)

Still, it’s a helluva book. I had to put it down for a while due to being overwhelmed by non-book things, but I just picked it up again last week and it’s a world of its own. Of course I’ve been reading Tony’s Web sites since about 1995, when he started Lick Magazine (the real one), and I’ve read a lot of the stuff that eventually went inside the book. No matter. Without the photographs, 5,000 links, crazy BusBlog mastheads, comments, etc., you just get the writing. And it is very good, very real writing … filled with great characters both real & imagined, so much East Hollywood atmosphere that I can almost smell the zankou chicken, and the buck-up defiance & bravado that keeps a man alive despite a stupid soul-sucking job.

(It’s not just a chronological year’s worth of blog posts, as his last book was. And this is a real live perfect-bound glossy-covered trade paperback with nice pages and nice printing and a near-perfect selection of stuff that makes it much more of a short novel than a simple collection.)

Thankfully, “How To Blog” offers no instruction on how you might get or maintain a web-log. (Such a book would be a single page long, with the text: “Go to that www.blogger.com and sign up for a free account, then post a bunch of crap, or not.”) That Pierce’s honest-to-god poetic prose first appeared on his Web site is the blogging angle, I guess. Well good. Blogging is the Latest Craze, I hear, and if anyone’s going to cash in on the craze it might as well be Tony Pierce, who has through sheer stubborn willpower managed to not cash in on any of the other Internet crazes over these last dozen years.

Blogs are mentioned a few times, I guess. There is the character, “Bloggy,” and Tony often converses with this character. And there are mentions of the beloved closet off the living room of Tony’s East Hollywood one-bedroom apartment, the closet that gave birth not only to Tony’s BusBlog, but to my own bloggy. (I lived in that fine apartment in the year 2000. It really was the best apartment ever, except for the neighbor’s dogs and the crazy Scientologists doing construction all night on their horrible headquarters across the street.)

Anyway, the book might better be called “How To Live,” but that would be ridiculous. “How To Survive,” maybe. “How To Not Let The Bastards Crush Your Soul” would be a good title, too. Maybe for the mass-market reprint, when the word “blog” is as meaningless & forgotten as “home page” is today.

those of you interested in ordering a signed copy of How To Blog just email me

thanks for the love ken and congrats to you and laura on your adorable lil son

city flirting + alarming news + zulieka + i love it when flagrant has flootnotes