today is @ev’s birthday

without him id still be slangin cane out my hooptie

before he turned twitter into the worldwide phenomenon it is today, ev lead a small group of whiteboys down the path that would later be known as

which has lead to all of this.

before blogging i was lost. i was broke. i rode a bus. and i was rudderless.

almost instantly after i discovered ev’s invention the skies opened up and bestowed upon me all the riches and blessings that any man could ever wish for

(except for Cubbie domination, spiritual enlightenment, and the retention of that sweet ‘fro)

its hard to remember the last guy since thomas edison who has ushered in not one but two culture-changing inventions.

hes the secret reason kids are off of school today.

happy birthday ev and thank you.

sk smith leaves wonkette

“to spend more time with her family”

clearly she was nervous that she wouldnt be re-elected or something

this is a sad day for we Wonkette readers who waited patiently for sk to return from pushing through that baby

and now look shes gone, justlikethat

i was just talking about sk yesterday at lunch

im psychic, i swear, someone should burn me

seriously i wonder what sk is gonna do with that ivy league degree, great looks, and biting wit?

hopefully she will be writing for a kardashian reality show soon

to quote one of the many fans in the wonkette comments section this is “mourning in america”

my favorite memory of wonkette with sk? this image when all three of the wonkette women reunited for the christmas special

rocket plays tonight at the bordello

but sadly i hafta be across town

the last time i went to such an affair i met a young lady whos name will be withheld because shes guilty.

mostly guilty of being at the wrong place at the right time.

gorgeous. way too young lookin. way too into it.
almost right away she hissed be my boyfriend and i will give you anything you want all the time.

and ive got a mirror or two in my many mansions. i know what im working with. nobody should be wanting to give me anything that i want all the time.

and she had no idea that what i wanted was food and lots of it. girl of my dreams woulda said on monday i’ll make you homemade fatburgers, tuesday homemade in n out, wednesdays big macs with xtra cheese, thursday turduckens…

shed say and there will be pies.

and shed say and we’ll have two kegs. one of beer. and one of grape soda.

if chickie had said anything even close to that i never woulda done the things i did to her.

one night we were fighting right as the date was starting.

i was all what exactly is going through your mind lil girl?

i was all, i will turn this car around and drop you back into your socalledlife

legs for days

lip gloss

bows here and there

and i turned the car around and she was shocked. probably every man she knew just rolled over for her, and like i said if there was mention of pie ida rolled over too. thats how good a kisser she was.

instead i flipped a bee and before we could get a block back her pout was gone and her hand was in mine.

i cant believe im as old as i am. still not as old as bukowski was when he did all the good ones.

or harry when he hit his stride.

you hafta say those things to yourself or you’ll cry.

saw Hot Tub Time Machine

this weekend

loved it.

people clapped at the end. in fact co-workers who saw it at The Grove said there were standing ovations going on.

it was funny. gotta give it that. i dont know if i woulda leapt to my feet at the end but i did walk out with a huge smile on my face.

ive had pretty good luck with movies these last few months. only a few clinkers.

what i liked about Hot Tub was the music was great – they even used “I Will Dare” from the Replacements. but mostly i enjoyed the fact that it was clearly for adults and we went to a 10pm screening which was packed

and people were ready for something raunchy and we all hooted and howled with every dirty joke or silly situation.

im sad that it will be considered a flop because it was the type of movie that there needs to be more of: smart, funny, outrageous, ridiculous, and sorta dirty.

if you want something light and funny its the way to go

im so outta shape

being young means not knowing what to do or how to do it.

being old means not having enough energy to complete it.

being me means not giving enough of a crap to even try.

last weeks Lost showed a dude tied up to the inside of a boat. water dripping just out of reach.

dude worked so hard to get a drop of water. faught a wild pig to get a nail. prayed. hallucinated. then finally bartered with what appeared to be Satan for freedom.

i woulda just hung there for in my soul im gen x. in my bones im a slacker. this is all borrowed time. but instead of scurrying about trying to collect as much of this or that as possible id rather be fishing spooning.

id rather be watching tv.

if only this computer wasnt so reliable. if only so many beautiful people werent on the other side of this modern day walkie talkie lifting their shirts. if only the distractions didnt outweigh the alternatives.

what would we have here? poetry? prose? book after book after book?

i feel like ive done it all seen it all accomplished everything of value. all the other things are boobie prizes: homes cars cashes. surely what you want is love.

certainly what you want is that nearly childlike feeling that omg we dont have to do Anything, we can just lay naked in this kingsized bed while on vacation and stare into each others eyes. clearly the booze is just something to do with your liver because we’re already high. on life. cheesy but true.

didnt you?

happy passover to my hebrew amigos

the book of exodus is my second favorite book in the bible.

seriously, how do you beat Genesis?

but the passover story in exodus has so many awesome moments:

– a paranoid Pharaoh who tries to kill all the male babies right after they’re born
– a baby Moses being floated down the Nile in a little basket
– an older Moses kills an Egyptian who was fighting with a Jew
– Moses talks to the Burning Bush
– the Ten Plagues, which are incredibly creative and bizarre
– ending with the plague that all first born Egyptians are killed at night by an invisible spirit

the the exodus itself is amazing with manna from heaven, water out of rock, a pillar of clouds in the day and a pillar of fire at night

and we havent even gotten to the Red Sea!

so yes i celebrate all of this and as a Lit major and a someone who enjoys great writing,

shalom friends!