i dont know if anyone believes me when i say it

but i have the lowest self esteem.

i know girls find confidence sexy, but ive never been mistaken for sexy, so i can live with trying to suffer through being honest as opposed to super dooper confident.

the first time i ever got to interview hugh hefner was a few days before halloween a few years ago.

i clammed up and felt horrible about it for weeks.

the whole time that little voice in my head said “see, told you you werent a reporter.”

i like being nervous – cuz it never happens. to me nervousness is feeling Something, and rarely do i feel anything. so when im nervous i feel alive. i feel like theres something at stake. and when a Person can do that to me, then it tells me “wow you really care about this person for some reason.”

but at the end of the day id rather feel like im good at my job. so today when we were driving to the mansion and my belly started acting up i thought

omg maybe eating an in n out cheeseburger wasnt such a great idea.

but mind over matter, blogger, get over it, dont clam up this time, have your notes memorized, have your gameplan ready, trust in baby Jesus, and bring everything that inspires you (punk rock, trust, honest communication, and the principal that the job of a reporter is to go somewhere no one else can get to easily and ask the cool people the interesting questions that everyone else wants to know).

right before it went down there was loudness and craziness in the room. everyone was talking to me. i wasnt able to really focus up, but thats where the preparation comes in. and when all of a sudden there was the legend, i was ready to rock.

then before we knew it it was over and omg what a sigh of relief.

and confidence rushed over me.

a new sensation, indeed.

have a great weekend friends. if not for all of you i wouldnt be here.

and yes, i sported the cubbies hat during the whole deal, cuz at this point i will give them good vibes any way i can.

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