tony loves “survivor”. i dont think he’s missed one episode. ashley was sitting on his lap being cool. the phone was ringing off the hook and i was rocking in the lazy boy as we all watched the first episode like a little family.

if you didnt see it, the people got to pick two teams. a lady who said she was 53 and a man who was 55 picked teams out of the other 14 or 16 “tribespeople”. i dont remember how many there were.

the lady picked what seemed to be nice people. the man picked what ended up being pretty, fratboy and sorority girl “athletic” people. so you had the beautiful people against the regular people.

i wont tell you who got kicked off because they’re gonna show a special “encore presentation” tomorrow night.

but i think it was a brilliant move for cbs to have them pick themselves because at first i thought i was gonna root for the hot babes, but it turned out that i ended up rooting for the regular, non-fratboy team.

ashley watched them try to scale a cliff in search for water and she said, “at this point they would have voted to kick me off.”

shes not the survivor-type, in fact at 1:30am they woke me up as i slept in the guest wing, and asked me if i wanted to make a mcdonalds run.

i like survivor. ive learned a lot about life through survivor. sometimes when i come home and look through my cupboards and think, “shit, i dont have anything to eat,” i think about survivor and think, “hell, those people could live off of what i have in here for a week,” and then i put something good together.

of the new survivors, ashley thought the used-car salesman was a cheeseball. she thought the tommy lee skateboarding bartender was an idiot, and thought the preacher was a dumbass.

i liked the big black guy the most.i hope he wins.

well i hope i have entertained you today. and tomorrow we’ll see what happens.

happy friday, america,

Lefty Tony

tony went to a real life black barbershop last night in the hood.

everyone was black except the half black guy who was trying to be super black who had a huge tattoo on his chest a real black guy in chains raising his hands to the sky (not pictured).

tony sat down, the guy picked out his ‘fro and said, “so what are we doing, brotha?”

tony said cut half of it off.

dont ever tell a barber at a barbershop to do anything other than “trim” a ‘fro or they’ll shave it all off.

the remains of tony’s ‘fro is about a quarter inch high, all the way around. he looks like sammy davis jr. during his non-afro days.

i think he looks good. ashley thinks he looks good. she came over last night. i got lost for a while.

funny thing happened at the babershop.

the barbers were playing some neojazz funk stuff. you could tap your feet to it, but i didnt know the lyrics. neither did tony.

then the cd stopped and one of the barbers put in a mix tape of old school jams. these are all young barbers in their 20s. me and tony fit right in.

they start talking about the songs as theyre singing along.

tony’s barber asked him, “whoo… you like DeBarge?”

tony said, “not particuliarilly.”

barber says, “who do you like then?”

he said, “rock.”

barber said, “you mean like Poison.”

tony just laughed.

i went to get a slice from across the street.

when i came back they were all singing “shook me all night long” acapella.

someone had their dog at the barber shop. the dog tried to sing with the guys. all he did was howl till someone slapped him in the back.

it didnt hurt. he was a big dog.

he looked at the guy. licked his chops. then layed down on the floor like a good dog.

the charge was $20 to get a ‘fro cut. tony gave the guy $30, then we hopped in the ride and flew home.

i cant get into particulars here, but trust me when i tell you that it was no accident that of all the players on the field, the umpire, the fans, there was a reason that my brother and his cousin took off their shirts, hopped the fence, and tore down the right field line to the first base coaches box at him, obviously risking arrest, or at the least, ejection from the fine stadium on west thirty fifth.

no one is so innocent.

perhaps he was involved in some hijinks behind the scenes that led to last night’s public thrashing.

maybe he was just a victim.

my partner lenny doesnt believe that any of us are victims. that we are totally responsible for the things in our lives that cross our paths. i think lennys been smoking too much of the wacky tobbacky. what about train wrecks, i ask him.

the creator put all the people whose times were up and loaded them on a train, he says.

what about the young ones, i ask.

sometimes young ones have to go, he says.

what about the babies, i ask. i hate lenny.

sometimes the babies are just undercover angels, he says. and i dont hate him so much, any more.

so i dont know why gamboa got his last night. but he did. i dont think he got it all that bad, cuz the whole royal team came out to help him, and the team doctor looked him over right afterwards. nomal people dont ever have anyone help them, then they gotta wait two hours in the emergency room waiting room to see some kid doctor who doesnt know shit anyhow, and then you gotta pay a $50 copay.

gamboa didnt have to pay any copay.

he got off easy.

Lefty Tony says gamboa got off easy. and i’d say it again.

they call me Lefty Tony because my family left me when i was a child. the entire truth is that the doctors the nurses, everyone, not just my family left me when i was born. the doctor pulled me out, horrified behind his mask, showed me to a nurse who fainted, showed me to another nurse who peed herself and showed me to my parents who cried. and then ditched me.

burgalars who robbed the abandonded hospital found me and adopted me into a life of crime. eventually i went to jail, and after my ten year rehabilitation i was recruited into the xbi by someone very dear to your hearts.

as he prepares to depart, on his much deserved vacation, he has entrusted me with his blog today, and the keys to his bachelor pad, flying car, and home computer.

in return, i will housesit for him, occasionally update his blog with classic posts from the past, and attempt to entertain you with, in some cases, new pictures and tighter editing.

speaking of pictures, today’s posts will include photos of my little brother freddy, who got himself nationwide press with our cousin manny as they beat the shit out of kansas city royal first base coach Tom Gamboa last night in the ninth inning at comisky.

south side!

i love that kid, i swear. even though he’s my brother he calls me uncle lefty because he doesnt want to believe that hes related to me. knucklehead.

strangers think that i’m called Lefty due to my prostetic arm.

i must admit, i would probably think that too.

but i love my half arm. it’s what makes me different. in many ways it’s my personality. and if it wasnt for a great idea by tony, and his insight, i would have never thought that i stood a chance to get in the xbi.

but when he asked me if i was willing to put a gigantic screw at the end of my elbow, and attach deadly weapons or useful tools to the end of it, i saw what he saw, unlimited potential.

so needless to say, i’d do anything for him.

remind me to tell you about the time he made this two foot vibrator, screwed it on me, took me to a strip club.

the ladies were speechless.

today’s entries are in honor of my little brother freddy and our cousin manny.

you two did good.