yesterday

this time i was under the house. i had my gun aimed up through the floorboards. it was suprisingly cool under the million dollar home.

million dollar homes in west hollywood arent rare. infact i overheard a report that the average house in west hollywood was going for $1.4 million.

someone was about to die in the house and i was pretty sure it wasnt going to be me, but the things about the xbi is you never know. xpect the unxpected.

he was pacing and yelling on his cordless. his people were telling him that we were on to him and we would probably be knocking down his door any minute. he kept walking over to the window, parting the curtain back and saying that he didnt see anything out there. his person kept saying get away from the window. get away from the flipping window.

their entire conversation was being tapped and fed into my earpeice in my left ear.

my people were giving me instruction in my earpeice in my right ear.

all i was waiting for was for him to stand over the hole for one second next to the fireplace.

like em said, sometimes you have one shot

i noticed the shells of some hermit crabs next to my head. i wondered where they had moved on to.

the earth was soft below me. powdery. and as i said, cool. it was the first day of summer but being so early in the morning everything was cool.

everything except the man who was about to die from a bullet from the floor that was about to be shot up and between his legs.

my partner asked me a funny question in my right ear.

why are you still at the xbi, agent?

i tapped morse code on my pocket transmitter. all thats needed is a finger on the contact button. i tapped:

f-o-r
t-h-e
h-e-a-l-t-h
b-e-n-e-f-i-t-s

and a shadow fell over the little hole above me, i squeezed the trigger slowly

and the man fell right down as blood poured down to the soft dust next to me staining the shells of crustaceons long since gone.

wil wheaton + jason goldberg links to how you can add pics easier via blogger

she didnt tell me that there were babes in miniskirts working in her office everyday when she let me turn down the job at her company but typically shes right.

the other night we had dinner at her house and played with her little cat which is the best cat in the world. second only perhaps to his brother who i believe is still with us despite what she thinks.

but anyway she told me that ive been listening to the bad angel a lil too much. in the xbi they have this exercise where you have to bang four cheerleaders at the same time and completely satisfy them before the time is up. because its the xbi if it looks like you actually might succeed they’ll be a knock at the door and two really pissy heionous looking women will come in and start yelling at you as you try to finish the assignment.

they’ll say all sorts of things about your technique about your body about your style about your tempo about your torque. anything they can find to focus on you they will and because its the xbi they know more about you than you do.

and just like anything, the secret to defeating the bitches is relaxation and concentration.

see the pussy.
greet the pussy.
be the pussy.

so to speak

karisa advised me to put on a bad movie pour myself a tall glass of rum and turn off the telephone.

so i was rockin the thirteen going on thirty, took a nice long gulp of havana club which people have been known to send to me and i appreciate it and my phone has been turned off for the whole weekend so that was fine.

then she said type in your secret blog for an hour, then do a twenty minuter in the busblog. then drive around la and take pictures in the middle of the night.

she said that when she was watching the nba finals she realized that the reason a good basketball player can hit a free throw is because he has blocked out everything, even the guy with the rainbow wig and spinning the giant pinwheel in his loge seat behind the glass backboard.

i wasnt following her and she said forget about the comments forget about the other bloggers forget about everyone just write and hit publish. its the gayest thing ever, remember?

actually the gayest thing ever is the fact that i love blow out on bravo. that dude is the best. in the latest episode he went to ny fashion week and totally told the designer that he was not going to do the hair the way the designer, b michael, planned to do it. he told him that right there in the tents before the show. he made the show about the hair and you know what the hair was the best thing about the show.

right there on camera he was talking to betsey johnson and he was all this time we’re here doing b michael but next year we’ll do you and she looked pretty happy about it, but im not so sure hes zany enough for her. no offense.

the thing about jonathan is the dude kicks ass. things really are perfect when he does them. this show reminds me a little bit of Hell’s Kitchen which is far more overblown and contrived but hells kitchen could learn a lot from blow out.

first of all establish why we’re allowing the dude to have a camera crew around him all the time.

the chef in hells kitchen is abrasive and its funny that he doesnt care that its american tv and he cant use all the cuss words they have to bleep out all the time but every once in a while show him cutting a pineapple open and into little stars in ten seconds. or have a cooking contest against him and let him show off. yes it was interesting that he totally prepared a pigeon but that was more gross and borderline dahmer shit. keep that to yourself.

i also watched the first episode of the real world, austin, and now i know why jason toney wouldnt let me visit the house when we were at sxsw. he knew there was a ho in the hizzy and my reputation had seemingly preceeded me.

the real world has a blonde girl on there who wants it at all times and if she isnt getting it she wants everyones attention and she doesnt care. and the real world has two girls who want to either compete for that attention or want to help keep it flaming. meanwhile they have a trio of dudes who simply cannot high five each other enough in celebration of their great luck.

the abecrombie frat dude who the blonde wants the most even gets cold cocked by a drunken texan who breaks his eye socket, which is karma, but knowing that hes going to get boned repeatedly by a girl so hot she walked out of her room in a pair of booty shorts that fit her so well i raced to my tivo remote in order to still frame that shit in order to analyze its perfection. that hasnt happened to me in quite a while.

so thank you mtv, you found yourself a hot little longlegged midwestern blonde who freely admits that shes a nymph. day one shes making out with a girl in the hot tub, day two she busts with the booty shorts.

ten bucks jason got her.

grey havens + german + dave navarro + susan mernit

this morning he called groggy from an allergy or an illness of something.

i asked him if it could be because of the Canada Live 8 lineup? he had his opinion about out, but said no it may have been the new tree that his wife bought for their home.

we discussed getting a regular Podcast show going. he’s really up for it. id be an idiot not to get on it immediately. but then again i can be quite idiotic.

i told him that we’d definately have to give Odeo a shot. but what equipment would we need to record our phone conversations and figure out a way to play music so that both of us could hear it. and how could we figure out a way to have callers?

it might be easier just to get a radio show.

heres the canadian lineup for Live 8.

how can you have a canadian concert without avril, alanis, neil young, rush, arcade fire, sum 41, or an acutal canadian activist rocker mr good?

Bryan Adams
African Guitar Summit
Jann Arden
Barenaked Ladies
Blue Rodeo
The Bachman Cummings Band
Bruce Cockburn
Tom Cochrane
Deep Purple
DobaCaracol featuring K’naan
Great Big Sea
Les Trois Accords
Gordon Lightfoot
Motley Crue
Our Lady Peace
Sam Roberts
Simple Plan
Tegan & Sara canceled
The Tragically Hip

jenny lee + oceanaria + US admits to torture at gitmo but dont expect to read about it here

Tsar – Bands . Girls . Money Review
by Morley Seaver
via rocknworld.com

I didn’t think a whole lot of this record at first….until I cranked it! The first few spins had me thinking it was a generic hard rock band with a good sense of melody but there was where it stopped.

Once I put some torque to it, the record showed its true stripes and it all somehow seemed to make sense. This is a melodic hard rock lite record that has punk (think Green Day) trappings. The emphasis is on the songs. There is not a clunker here, even through to some of the latter songs which are usually at the end for a reason.

This is the L.A. (home of the Crue, Faster Pussycat and the like) band’s second release, the first for TVT Records (their debut was on Hollywood Records).

The title cut just kicks the door down and invites itself into your living room. Fortunately it’s friendly. Manic guitars run shotgun with some spazzy vocals that sound like Steven Tyler when he was coked up, just not so much high (sorry, couldn’t resist) end. “Bands.Girls.Money” indicate the guys have their priorities in check, eschewing the usual sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll punchline.

“Wanna Get Dead” comes wailing in with a boppy chorus and if your head is not moving by this point, you’re over-medicated. “The Love Explosion” follows and is one of the highlights of the record. It sounds a bit like the previous cut with its singalong chorus but stands out regardless. Memories of prime-time Cheap Trick abound with this song.

“Superdeformed” summons the spirit of The Beatles with some late ’60s nostalgia that doesn’t sound like ’60s — you’d have to hear it to know what I mean. “Straight” is exactly that — a straight-ahead rocker that’s perfunctory but nothing more than an ass-wiggler.

“Wrong” is another of those juiced-up rockers…great chorus on this one. Nice screamo, borderline-The Used vocals at the end. “Everybody’s Fault But Mine” travels the same road as “Straight”…it’s just a bit more adventurous in the chord structure.

“Conqueror Worm” is a gorgeous, extremely ear-friendly piece. “Startime” celebrates the madness that is Los Angeles (no offence to all who reside there). And “You Can’t Always Want What You Get” finishes off the disc with a little less adrenaline but without skimping on the melody.

Tsar has successfully side-stepped the sophomore jinx with this release. It’s jam-packed with hooks, well-constructed songs and a bit of everything across the modern rock spectrum (I said a bit, people…don’t be writing me saying there’s no Thrice or Killswitch in there). This is a great record to put on while you’re getting ready to hit the town.

Just one last piece of advice…play it loud!

mtv bio + amazon preorder + rocknworld.com