jimmy carter is my favorite living president

he always had a smile on his face, his wife is hot, he was a minister, a farmer, but best of all his heart was always guiding him – not his politics or his weiner.

The man is 104 years old and when he’s not building houses for the holy he’s going down to Cuba and meeting Castro and Castro respects him so much that he threw on a suit and took off that tired camoflauge and even ran a brush through his hair. I bet any of you fake-ass republicans a buck that if Bush or Rush or Newt or any of those blowhards had the nads to go south Castro would have his warface on just as always.

And this is why you have the liberal peacenicks in the mix, to soften up the rudeboys and Jimmy is an american saint and we should all give thanks.

Lots of people have written in to ask me about my visit to Isla Vista and since I’m lazy and i’m trying to save the world over here, i will answer all the questions in this forum.

No, I saw the Leprechaun and he is alive! I even gave him one of my Guinnesses. He was sitting in this new park they have on the 6500 block of DP and he had like 3-4 cans of beer around him which means that I wasnt the only one who spotted him in his XXL Chicago Bulls parka being super sweet as always and saying nice things to karisa as we told him how happy we were to see that he was still alive. but it was weird. at first it was like seeing a ghost, cuz i was certain that he was dead. then i thought some bum was impersonating him to get the free beers from everyone, but after a minute i knew it was him: the coolest homeless man of all time.

Morninglory is gone. It’s a dollar store now. I don’t know where the kids buy their cds any more, if they buy them at all, but the best record store in the central coast has vanished.

we ate breakfast at Expresso Roma – not the Blue Dolphin, which Joe says got bought by a family that makes gyros during the week. The Roma breakfast was good but dont order your eggs “over easy” and unless you really want them “over well.” which might explain why there were no lines and plenty of tables available at noon on sunday despite the ideal conditions for eating breakfast outside.

at Roma we ran into Sean White who totally remembered me and said that he is still writing songs but has yet to find the right situation to perform them with anyone… yet. kind and charming and poetic as always, it was a treat to run into him and an honor to be remembered by such an IV legend.

saw one band setting up saturday night on Sabado, very few parties. very dead town. these kids should all be expelled

the friday Nexus looked good. some layout problems but a decent story on Attis and some partying going on in the staff box. we swung by there Sunday around 5pm and saw some kids in there banging out Monday’s paper. all looked well.

the Country Store at the UCen looked like it had been remodeled by AM/PM they still had bin food but absolutely no charm. i was tempted to say, “$10 on #6.” but i have a hard time cracking jokes when im dying inside.

the refecting pool in Storke Tower actually had water in it, a sight that i hadnt seen in the 7 years that i was at UCSB thanks to that drought.

the sorority girls stumbling home at 2am on Saturday night looked like they were all in junior high, and they were dressed with few clothes than i could have ever imagined.

at 145am on Saturday I made a Lucky’s run to Goleta and it’s not Lucky’s any more it’s Albertson’s. and the little league fields across the street have been paved over so as to befenit the Chevy’s and the Office Depot that’s so important to a community.

Woodstocks is as good as ever.

anna’s in rome

she was calling me all weekend leaving messages on my machine, filling it up. she was cocky. she was stoked that the topless penthouse pictures of her weren’t her.

“pick up the phone,” she’d say, “im going to win that mamma jamma.” which is funny on the web but funnier on your answering machine with her crazy russian accent.

“bitch is going down!” she declared.

anna is cool but after about the 5th or 6th message she started getting mad, asking why i had never gotten the cell phone set up that she sent me.

but now that i know how handy those phones are, i might consider activating the extravagant gift from our favorite tennis player on the tour.

anyhow, anna was feeling it and she won in straight sets 6-3, 6-3 whomping Spain’s Marta Marrero in her opening match at the Italian Open.

our girl had plummeted all the way down to #68 in the WTA computer rankings and i had bought her a football jersey in Goleta with the number 69 on the back and her name over the number that i was going to fed ex it to her, and i still might, but now the joke wont be as funny.

even though she now has the pleasure of facing Venus Williams in the second round, she’s being up-beat about it, but deep down she wants to beat her ass.

“I have nothing to lose,” anna told reporters, “so I’m just going to go out there, try and play my best game and see how well I can do.”

just wear that white top, hot chick, and all will be well.

if not, you’re going to get that football jersey.