when someone new online asks me what i look like

i normally say roy jones jr.

except i have a little more toned belly.

i do love the internet.

hi internet.

hi tony, baby.

ive gotten so much from you.

youve given so much.

concert tickets, mp3s, smut, driving directions, pizza, pharmaceuticals from canada, admirers, fashion tips, dates.

chopper one is rigged with the internet and i don’t know how they do it but they do. i don’t ask many questions, i just fly the damn thing and press the right buttons.

my favorite button, and i think ive discussed this before, is the low frequency destablizer.

it was improved this weekend and today we got to give it a real-life test.

these bad guys were hiding in a garage, we could see where they were thanks to their body heat. so we aimed the destablizer in their general direction and sent out beams of super low frequency sound waves.

imagine sudden sea-sickness.

imagine wanting to vomit, needing air. needing anything other than what you are having right now.

fuckers ran out retching within seconds, right into the waiting hands of the ground agents who allowed them to finish losing their breakfast jacks and then took them away to our holding cell of misery.

thing about the xbi is because we’re not really even supposed to exist, its not like you can take the rest of the afternoon off thinking that you just had a good day. at any point one of the criminals can come at you, or the cops, or the fbi, or the cia, or anyone.

so its not cool to say to someone, damn, im having the best day.

they’re afraid if you say that you’ll jinx it.

i don’t believe in jinxes.

i just believe in you.

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