id do my hair crazy all the time. constantly dying it. wigs. the whole deal.

id be my girlfriend, of course. cuz im a great boyfriend, once you get to know how i work.

53. Leho Pictures

id wear cheerleader skirts matched with guns n roses tees, ripped. unmade hair. the just-raped look.

if i was a girl my blog would probably be ten times more popular, and it would allow me this sort of slam against my local newspaper:

Dear LA Times,

Why is is that you suck so bad?

I’m a fucking girl and even I know that when you have a local angle on a story of (ironically enough, newspapers) you don’t bury that local flavor TWELVE fucking paragraphs into the story!

Are you people all high over there?

Is this Let Your Children Run Your Business Day?

fucking a i called this shit yesterday. quit being defined by life outside of LA!

Your staff writer starts his story by telling the tale about a bunch of college conservatives in Carolina(!) who thought their school paper was too liberal, so they wanted to start a new paper with a different slant. They wanted to make professors feel “threatened” when they got a phone call from this new paper.

Nowhere is the impetus for these southern kids Better journalism, more facts, more investigative stories, clearer writing, or freer reign over op-ed pieces. All the kids at the Jesse Helms Center seem to be whining about is that lots of college students were against this last war, according to your paper.

Meanwhile fifteen paragraphs into the story, you get this quote:

“A lot of my professors don’t try to hide the fact they are outright Marxists,” said one Nicholas Romero, 20, editor of the UC Santa Barbara Gaucho Free Press. The Free Press is the new conservative paper, you tell us, an alternative to the highly acclaimed UCSB Daily Nexus, which launched the careers of great writers like Welch, Amy, Ben, the Whalen Bros., and yours truly.

Once again, LA Times, I’m a chick and I know a great fucking quote when I read it, and you just buried one by wanking off to the North Carolinian readership that you seem to be pandering to.

Now, it doesnt matter to me that Nick’s allegedly Marxist professors have no influence on the Nexus, since there is no journalism school at UCSB and no advisors, but i’ll let it slide, just like you did.

But just look at the sweet juicy diss that the Gaucho Free Press levies at the Daily Nexus:

“Romero and co-editor Gretchen Pfaff, 21, had no interest in writing for the main campus newspaper, the Daily Nexus, which they say too often glamorizes drug use and promiscuity. ‘It’s offensive,’ Pfaff said.”

So let me get this right. You have a story about conservative college alternative papers sprouting up. Instead of focusing on the UCSB papers (one which is established, award-ridden, and glorious; one that is new and Republican), you spend the entire first third of the article writing about a lame ass redneck fishwrap deep in the heart of Dixie?

Lick my clit, LA Times. Lick it good.

LA Examiner + marc brown + la daily news

brezney’s real astrology

Libra ( September 23 – October 22 )

At a recent concert, devotional singer Krishna Das recounted a story of escorting his revered teachers, a frail old Indian couple, to an acupuncturist in New York. They had to walk through a neighborhood dominated by strip clubs, prostitutes, and drug dealers. Every few feet, a new salesperson approached with an offer of crack, weed, crank, or sexual adventures. Krishna Das worried about subjecting his beloved guides to such a degrading experience, but they were unfazed. “This is heaven,” said the woman. When a surprised Krishna Das asked what she meant, she replied, “Heaven is any place where one’s needs can be met.” My wish for you this week, Libra, is that you be as open-minded as she was about where heaven might reside for you.

is a convicted purveyor of kiddie porn?

kill yr idols?

forgive and forget?

ignore the obvious?

me, i like to blame the President of the United States.

damn you george!

well its only fair. how many knee jerkers instantly blame sex drugs rock for the decline of western civ? or the fact that their daughters are listening to 50 cent and their sons are dressing like him.

i just want to know where all the devil music has gone to? how come nashville pussy hasnt taken over the world?

doesnt marilyn manson have a new record out? why havent i heard it?

why do i know more about the justin timberlake tour than i do ozzfest?

did you know that american idol was in the top 5 in neilson ratings two nights last week?

this may be a stretch, but through all this am i to assume that pete townshend isnt the only one salivating over children?

the kids write me and send me nice things and they want to molest me, but i just sit in my media room flipping channels waiting for something to entertain me and i just flip and flip and flip until i pass out on my leather couch only to be awaken by my robotic dog, my sole companion who yips when he needs to be recharged.

sprinklers soak the grass, and my window, and my white man lawn jockey.

wind chimes tinkle their tunes in the wind.

raccoons sniff at the buddah bird feeder.

weather vane just spins and spins and the cock aims at the wrong direction making me wonder how on earth can a weather vane be broken?

i hope i get old before i get old.

true boy + oish + the ward + fun squared

quarter beer night, three for one lapdances, phish food ben and jerrys, bank error in my favor, clean sheets and dirty girls, pringles salt and vinegar, all my fantasy baseball teams, all the people who say nice things about me, cold beer from a keg in isla vista, oriental rugs, white chocolate, the invention of the cd burner, white garters, my green thumb, christina aguelirea, dusty baker, diet dr. pepper (thanks, laurita), super balls, truth or dare, stolen lighters, frosting, seeing how fast cars can go, cheerleaders, ultra violet, sexual tension, violets, cold grape jelly, passing out while kissing, not guilty by reason of insanity, retsin, monocles, nighties, recessed lighting, mood rings, cashiers who can be convinced to mark down one box of something that costs thirty bucks down to fifteen bucks because its supposed to be buy one get one free and theres no more left except that one box, paris hilton, and the fact that im about to get a motherboard and 2.2 ghz processor for less than ninety nine bucks, to name a few.

raspil at bluecad has an eyeopening look at salt lake city, her town.

i read blogs all the time, and so very often i read people say that they have nothing to say. if you really have run out of ways to talk about sex drugs rock then start telling us about your town.

i live in east hollywood. little armenia. south of thai town. the jacarandas are blooming right now. green happy trees that turn purple in the spring. its been cold lately. electric blanket weather still. sux. this girl sent me a picture of right below her neck to right above her belly botton. thanks nice person.

three willie nelson looking bums got on the bus this morning smelling bad sitting near the front, wearing american flag head bands.

ive never been offended by an odor until today.

it made me want to open a showerhouse for the homeless and free laundramat.

if youre going to have homeless, they dont really need to reek. lets get it together.

if you make a photo essay about your town, tell me in the comments here.

bluecad + halfway there + dave hecker

i design see-thru wedding gowns.

vera wang doesnt have shit on me.

bitch.

yesterday two smart people were talking about me, apparently. how fucked up is that?

i wasnt trying to “out” jason for not using Blogger, since he pretty much outs himself by linking MT himself under “Tools” (meanwhile Blogger Pro is mysteriously missing.)

anyhow, according to his post he and metafilter mastermind matt haughey were comparing me to everything that was ever posted on GeoCities.

ah, flattery.

although now i cant remember even one good thing ive ever seen on GeoCities, minus some PS-1 game cheats, Directv hack ideas, and secret photos from my girl flagrant.

anyway, here is what i wish their conversation had been

jason: pierce is the shit.

matt: yup yup

jason: we found a gold mine, we’re thinking about giving it to him so he would work for us.

matt: fuck that shit homey, we found two gold mines and we have the offer in legal right now.

jason: dont lie, he doesnt even post on metafilter any more.

matt: he does, different user name.

jason: serious? whats his user name?

matt: its on the dl, brah, if you read close, you could see.

jason: we’re gonna get him a car, and paint it so it says google on one side and blogger on the other side, and pay him to drive around and write.

matt: we’re going to get him a hummer.

jason: we already sent christina aguelera over to give him that.

matt: no, asswipe, a truck. we’re going to give him a hummer and have it say metafilter all over it and pay him to do a blog about all the things he learned each day from metafilter.

jason: we’re going to give him a motorhome.

matt: we’re going to give him a motorhome and a driver.

jason: we’re going to give him a motorhome and a home in the east village.

matt: where will he park it?

jason: jersey.

matt: we’re going to let him take over sportsfilter.

jason: we’re going to let him go on a kissing spree. 365 girls in 365 days.

matt: thats sorta sick, yo.

jason: the motorhome chauffer will be a retired doctor who will give the girls check ups right there on the road before tony even meets them.

matt: once again, my friend, you have sunk my battleship.

whats going on?

just watching the lakers lose and thinking of you.

are the girls in canada beautiful as the internet would have us believe?

is it true that youre about to legalize marijuana just for me?

i dont really smoke marijuana, but thank you, youre sweet.

canada, is it true you dont have the nfl?

is it true that its warmer up there than everyone thinks. that everyone wears fur coats and noone stinks.

is it true that lots of the hot chicks speak french and that kurdt kobain used to go up there to chill out.

its not as warm in la as the brochure makes it look.

and weed isnt legal, its sixty an eighth which makes me happy that i dont smoke it.

and we dont have the nfl either.

canada, is it true that you have socialized medicine, clean air, and its ok to have a pirated directv dish so you can get every channel on earth?

i think im falling in love with you.

c’est d’accord?

i know magazines cost more and cigarrettes do too, but i dont smoke cigarrettes either.

smokes should cost more. they’ll kill ya.

weed just makes you laugh.

and eat.

everything in the house.

and drink so much diet pepsi its wrong.

canada is it true that you want to make a new las vegas up there?

its not true?

hmmm, well, do you wanna?

canada, do you think one of your newspapers might hire me?

i’ll do anything.

i <3 canada + david murray is an idiot + canada, can i bring kristin?

hundreds of you have chosen to link me. many because of my anna kournikova coverage. some for the witty political insights. some just for the free porn.

like the children that i have sired, im not afraid to choose favorites.

one of my favorite linkers is the Snoop Doggy Blog. i dont know who this person is, i dont know how they found me, and im not terribly interested in finding out. im just happy to be on the best Snoop Dogg web site. much love to my homie from the LBC.

and Snoop, because i know youre down with her, Anna K. will be starting her comeback tonight, cinco de beer-o down in hotlanta georgia in the $25,000 Pinto Open. or something like that.

another one of my favorite spots to see a link to my name is on the Instapundit’s site. i dont know who the instapundit is – oh wait, yes i do – and he hardly ever talks about me, but theres my name on the left hand side just like i am someone special. ahhh, luxury.

then of course theres Ev’s site. ev created the software that we now call Blogger. how cool is it to be linked on his page? check that, he took down all his links. die yuppie pig.

just joshing. theres plenty of googlebloggers out there who link to me and that makes up for it. i especially like being linked by jason sutter, a googler blogger because he has the nads to use moveable type.

i like being linked by writers who write way better than me, like soundbitten, big time movers and shakers like doc searls and jeff jarvis, sexy writers like the Adultress and the Reverse Cowgirl, and sports freaks like the baseball blog and classy mofos like riley dog, none of which makes any sense to me.

and then theres all the hot girls around the planet who link to the busblog.

too many to talk about here.

far too many.

but right now im liking the fact that bing is reading this #1 cuz shes from toronto and lots of good things come from toronto #2 cuz shes asian, and asian girls own me, and #3 cuz she asked me not to link her for idealistic reasons, and i think thats cute.

im also liking that Laura has me (near) at the top of her list because i used to read her thing like years ago, and its cool that she is reading my thing now despite the fact that we’ve never even exchanged even one email.

but perhaps my favorite hot chick website link of the day has got to be from krix at keanuvision who might just be the most excited person in the galaxy since her boy will be starring in the most highly anticipated sequel since empire strikes back.

thanks to everyone who sends people to this dumb page, i will thank more of you next time.

the annual sausage party went off without a hitch, the landlord was grumpy but didnt evict anyone, the neighbor down below made a bunch of noise and answered her doorbell in her lingerie but didnt call the cops, pink dot arrived after several hours and only charged us $30 for two cases of corona instead of $40

and even though there was plenty of nudity most of it came from my ass.

there are tons of pictures but most of them are blurry and drunken and sloppy and happy so use your imagination, it was a party of k*s work friends and friend friends and i got lots of stains on my cords to prove that a good time was had by all.

i like birthdays when the guest of honor isnt afraid to ask for everything that they want. karisa is a carnivore like no other. this girl eats more steaks than you would believe.

so around 9pm when everyone had gathered it became obvious that the macaroni salad and guacamole and homemade birthday cake just wasnt going to do the trick, so i was sent out with karisas hot roommate to the store to get a dozen or so steaks, charcoal, and beer.

we returned, i started the grill poolside and in the dark i made mostly medium-rare steaks for everyone with nothing more than some small tongs and a bottle of A-1. because the ladies didnt have a large assortment of steak knives, several of us resorted to cutting our t-bones with huge butcher knives. it was quite fun. i recommend it.

a handsome hawaiian neighbor arrived with his little dog and made the girls stand up and pay attention due to his striking resemblance to keanu reeves, and none of them noticed when his little mutt did his business by the hot tub.

after our meal we adjurned to the apartment and played a variety of dice and card games. the purpose of the sport apparently was to get all of us as drunken as possible before our drives home. since i had no car, i didnt hold back one bit. first i had mexican beer, then i had light beer, then i had some shots of vanilla rum, then i uncorked the wine, then back to beer, then a shot of some other good stuff.

karisa’s favorite card drinking game is called Allen. since it was her birthday we played a few rounds of that leaving everyone rosy cheeked and laughing.

the cake was delicious as was the evening and i am so happy that i was invited, so thank you karisa for having me over, any time you turn 80 again, please look me up.

standing room only + bukkake does britan + nevada ken