if you knew how ridiculously little money i make to save the world you would be flabbergasted.

there was a time when i would have to go out of my way to get flabbergasted. i would actually seek out ways to get flabbergasted.

i would do what i needed to do and then i would look around and if i could say that i was flabbergasted i wasnt flabbergasted enough.

you only truly know youre flabbergasted after the factergasted.

this morning im in an ornery mood thanks to the cell phone being dialed at six am.

this is me ornery.

grrrrr.

one reason that they like me flying chopper one is that im a fairly even keeled mother.

this is me happy.

hi.

this is me mad.

hi.

this is me flabbergasted.

uh, wtf, fellas.

last week you might remember that there was a young lady who had me flabbergasted with her lunacy and she came over and i was pissed off and i wasnt ever going to speak to her again. ever.

she came over to the house and i was at the boiling point of anger and this is how i was:

hi, may i get you a cold soda?

no thank you.

beer?

no.

gatorade?

is that orange soda, may i have one of those?

its good to have even keeled people piloting billion dollar black copters with armed forces spy planes trying to check your shit and enemy forces trying to gun you down, and the bloods with surface to air missles aiming at your ass, and the mob, and the irs, and the feds, and the kids, and the migrating geese, and the paparazzi, and the stank hos trying to say you’re their baby’s daddy.

it’s good to have someone who has been accused by ashley as having no heart no soul no emotions and robotic in the center of the hurricane during hurricane season.

especially when its always hurricane season.

but at some point i do need my sleep.

and occasionally its nice to get paid for answering the phone at six am and solving the worlds problems before six thirty.

and if you dont see me working for the xbi soon, you can say you heard it here first.

just like you heard it here first that the santa monica farmers market old man hit a benz before he hit the people.

and just like you heard that the Coulter Klassic lived up to its name.

phone kept ringing. too many loose ends left loosed. sunday should really be a day to just rest but i have a big photo essay dealie to give the world even though very few people told me they liked the last one.

got linked a bunch last week though. and several people told me i was their hero.

your hero hasnt gotten any in way too long.

and im not talking ten bucks of flowage either.

even though i probably should.

rickey hit another homer today. i sat around and watched two episodes of the sopranos. and got caught up on the real world, and project greenlight.

i want to watch strangers on a train but im telling you i have this great photo thingie to bust and theres a great story there which i need to unfurl cuz someone will give away the great surprise.

my true love came over yesterday and there are very few people who get my heart beating any time they are around and i couldnt even look at her when she asked me if i liked her new haircut and dye.

its supposed to make my eyes look bluer.

and i knocked her over onto the couch and hugged her and we held each other and she smelled of parliments which is on the hipster bingo as were my old school pumas which were

strewn

on the floor next to my digital camera for my blogging which is o-4 i think

and here i felt so old but now i see im secretly hip.

then why doesnt splink ever write me?

and why isnt the associated press and the santa monica police reading the busblog?

in todays article, they are saying that they are investigating whether or not the old man hit a mercedes on his way to the farmers market.

i told you the day after it happened my homeboy os saw the old coot smash the mercedes.

investigation over.

lock his ass up.

i told you that os thought he was watching a hit and run until the first guy was sent flying into the sky.

meanwhile all the pundits are writing about whether olde people should have licenses or not. how about whether the cops should still have guns and badges after letting a hit and run artist run out of their prison cell because he was old.

every damn day i write this blog to serve mankind.

and there i was serving santa monica, my first california home, and santa monica has turned its back on me.

im going to lie down.

and watch hitchcock.

on the day of rest.

riley dog + wired anjel + tina

but they aint going.

nike will want them to be human billboards, but they wont be shilling for any damn nike.

there will probably be a time when they will want to vote republican before they turn 35, or try heroin, or drink and drive, but im not gonna let em.

and if i find out that they did, i’ll burn down their house. maybe steal their car. maybe erase them outta the will. or talk shit about them on the busblog.

im sure i’ll have handsome boys and once they turn pro they’ll jet off to colorado for some secret arthiscopic surgery and they’ll meet a pretty young girl who’ll want to ease their minds right before going under the knife, and my boys might even want to induldge.

but they wont go through with it.

and if they do they will first have the young woman sign a release.

and after they have signed the release they will call my childrens’ lawyer who will put the young lady on the phone and she will tell the lawyer that she wants to get with my offspring.

and the lawyer will record all of this

and ask the woman if she wants to do this act, that act, that act, that act, and that act.

and then the woman will either accept or decline

and then the lawyer will have the woman provide a drivers license number and social security number and the laywer will do a quick background check and then call back my progeny and either give the green light or the red light.

none of this will be made aware to me because i believe unlike those who wrote and passed the patriot act, i believe in the right of privacy and at the chocolate center of that right is the attorney-client privelge, which i whole heartedly respect.

none of my children will be allowed to marry before they turn 26.

you barely know shit at thirty.

who you kidding.

since my kids will be brilliant they’ll say

then how could hemingway bust with the sun also rises at 21, how could pete townshend drop tommy at 21, and if magic hadnt come out early he wouldnta won his first ring playing every position at 21.

and id say if you roll with a tommy, a sun also fuckin rises, and play center your rookie year in the finals and win it for the lakers, then yes you can get married when you want.

but realize kids, hem ended up a drunk his whole life which ended with a bullet in the head, pete townshend ended up getting caught looking at kiddie porn, and magic fucked around and got more than a triple double.

so fuck you, stay in school, wake up your lawyer when youre about to get some strange, and dont even get me started about the nike sweatshop and how they want to brand you like cattle so they can sell the most expensive sneakers that were made from the lowest paying sweatshops.

dresarii + rob wanska + leah + popie

which im loving, and the phone rings, just like it rings every day, all the time.

every fucking day, mother fucker says the voice on the other end of the line.

clipper girls cousin

all class

who has taken to complimenting me at every chance she can in hopes that i will start paying attention to her instead of her cousin or any of the throngs of young ladies who throw themselves at me every waking moment of my so called life.

every day you rock that blog and last week you did it better than ever she says

and i hang up

cuz who can believe a desperate girl who is finding that you cant go back after youve gone light skinned

but we’ll always have palm springs she text pages me

and people are asking me why im not talking about kobe.

and you know the rule here, i dont talk about black folk who are cast in negative light

unless i can say something good, something thought provoking, something to make them seem better than they are.

so, how about them dodgers.

rickey henderson, huh.

fourty four years old and hitting home runs.

Moneyball teaches us that the best way to watch baseball might be to not watch it too carefully, or too often. but the year that i worked for the giants, rickey was playing for the padres, and on one particularilly swirling windy fucked day at the Stick i saw rickey drop three fly balls to left and i sadly concluded that his career didnt have many seasons left.

well, the good news is, im often wrong, as that was six seasons ago.

so welcome back to cali, rickey.

thanks for giving us someone watchable at chavez ravine!

unsubscibe + bluecad + howard owens

and to celebrate i would like to make a big fancy announcement that i im quitting this, or starting something new, or doing something different, or renewing my vows for another year, or something.

but one thing i wont be announcing is that i will turn this into an aol blog.

yes, two years after the fact, eternally late to the party, aol will soon have blogs.

the mighty jeff jarvis from the buzzmachine is testing out aol’s new “journal” ap in BuzzMachine II, and the framework of it doesnt look any different than aol’s pathetic failure when they tried to give their users geocities-styled web pages.

does anyone really go to any hometown.aol web pages on the regular?

i dont, and i surf the web probably 20 times more than the average man.

obviously embarrased by the popularity of their users going to blogger and blogspot and diaryland and open diary, aol is thinking, “shit, our 5 million users are going somewhere else other than the safe enviorns of the aol country club, and if they see that this is all just a big farce, they will probably leave us forever.”

which isnt true.

aol users dont actually think.

thats what makes them aol users.

i saw a kid riding a skateboard the other day.

skateboarding is still very popular here in hollywood.

and i thought, if aol ruled the world, they would slap training wheels on skateboards and charge kids $20/month to go slower and be able to do fewer things.

jarvis is a terrific writer, and an innovator, and he’s doing his best working with the afterthought that is aol journals, but anyone who has seen a sophomore year computer science student’s homework assignment has seen what i am seeing with the aol journal: copycat bullshit created to see if it could be re-created.

aol is not providing their members with anything they cant get just as easilly anywhere else. they are not providing their users with anything that they have asked for.

and once again they are creating something that isnt even half as good as what they are trying to copy.

aol: try to at least be half as good.

if i was an aol user i would want 1) less spam, 2) dsl and/or cable access 3) wireless access 4) lower prices.

a big ass company, even one doomed to implode at any minute, should be able to have the muscle to make those things happen.

once that has been established, then you can branch out to these extra credit ventures.

aol has had some big wins with AIM and porn. because of aol more kids get to sex chat with more adults than ever before in human history. and because of them more kids get to see Barnyard Fun ads in their inboxes, daily.

therefore, perhaps this white elephant should just do what its best at and partner up with porn companies since thats really been the business that theyve been in all along, and to be honest, that is what their lazy, clueless, technically timid userbase has wanted all along.

not homepages.

not blogs.

but boobies that they can smile over.

while they wear their wifebeater shirts and sailor caps

at the beach.

folded space + etoy + chuck olsen

know why? because if i decided to drive two and a half blocks through people at the farmer’s market killing men women and children at 2pm, i will be able to get released by the cops and go home in time for dinner.

oh wait, im not white.

and i dont belong to the brentwood presbyterian church.

and im not kindly.

thats the only reason me and my buddy os can figure out why George Russell Weller, 86, isnt in lockdown after killing nine people, leaving 15 with critical injuries and injuring more than 50.

according to a witness who spoke to tv reporters after the melee mr. weller might not be that kindly after all.

“he said after he got out of his car, ‘if you heard me coming, why didnt you get out of the way.'” a woman told the nbc local news.

my buddy os saw the whole beginning of the tragedy.

he said he heard a crash. it was the old man vs. a mercedes sedan. the sedan lost. then old man rammed it again and pushed it out of the way.

os thought he was witnessing a simple hit and run. until he saw a man get tossed into the air and then a woman get crushed while the old mans car continued to accelerate.

he and i wondered if perhaps the old man’s cane got stuck underneath the brake and atop the accelerator, meaning every time he hit the brake the gas was pressed down further.

poor kindly old man.

who got mad at people after he killed them.

but dont you think if you begin to realize that your brake isnt working, that infact youre going faster each time you hit your brake, that you steer into a building or a tree or anything other than people and people and people and children?

kindly answer me this, santa monica cops: if he was black and not old…

no, thats not a fair question.

but seriously, is this reverse agism? when youre old do you literally get away with murder?

and what of his safety? why release the guy when he might want to kill himself once he realizes that he’s an asshole?

and whos gonna clean that up?

and why is it that the tv news didnt ask the question that i keep asking here: how can you be released from custody within hours after you drive down a blocked off street at high speeds and kill people?

according to the la times, the santa monica police chief said that he was released for three reasons:

“One, he’s a licensed driver. Two, he’s a city resident; And three, he’s not a flight risk,” the times reported the chief of saying.

ok so i can drive over people as long as i have a license and i hit the people who live in my town, that part im cool with.

but how does the chief know he’s not a flight risk? whats keeping mr. weller from running over people on his way to mexico. or taking a plane to canada and running people over there?

what makes someone not a flight risk? are his wings clipped?

all i know is mexico is four hours away. three the way bro was driving. and if i was him and i wanted to see my 87th birthday i would head south and say adios, cuz unless the cops are going to pin this on oj, the old man is gonna get it.

i just want to know why he gets to sit at home and wait this out while his victims are either being measured for pine boxes or are being treated in one of the ten local hospitals.

must. learn. to. be. more. kindly.

path of car + maybe the instapundit knows + maybe the good doc knows

and of course he’s right.

#7 Jul 16 2003, 06:47 pm

al3x

now its true i do take requests, and al3x was polite enough to say please, so i might have to give the man what he wants purely on principle.

not that it would be hard.

im not the most lovable man.

i sweat when i sleep.

i enjoy the bible.

and pornography.

i really know way too much about sports, and most women find that annoying.

and then theres this blog, and the website, and the busriding. those three things dont usually add up to a lot of fornication, i dont care how big your dick is.

i dont like to read very many books, i hate dancing, and i like to do it three times a day.

who’s gonna want that from their man, al3x?

im not handy, i dont like salads, im messy, i dont cook, id rather not go out on friday nights, im a terrible dresser, im not interested in money, i like hip hop metal and punk, and im always changing my mind.

girls dont like to lose at scrabble.

i fucking whip their asses at scrabble.

girls dont like being called girls.

girls dont like it when i call the united states america. they tell me that america includes north south and central america, not just the usa.

and then theres the problem about the fact that on the rare occasions that i do get a little action, i always wear condoms.

always.

how am i gonna have any children doing that, my man?

so worry not, old chap, if your fear of a hundred little tonys running around this fine world in a few years has you losing sleep, rest your pretty little head.

besides

your momma swallows everything i got.

jaime + oliver + reverse cowgirl