second-best guitarist of all time. songwriter and star of the best band ever. devilworshiper, rockstar, icon, theramin player, dirty brit.
jimmy page wrote stairway to heaven in a haunted castle and when they went on tour he fell in love with a 14 year old girl who fell in love with him back.
he could play behind his back, he could play with a violin bow, he could play the mandolin, he could play the double neck SG twelve string and make it sound like a blitzkreig.
jimmy page was a rockstar when he was 20.
every single album that he made with zeppelin kicked the shit out of every single album that came out last year combined. and theyd all agree.
his band kicked so much ass they didnt even bother naming the first four records.
when they toured they had no blowup dolls, no video screen, no crazy lights, no smoke machine, no crazy back drop, no dancing girls, no balloons falling from the ceiling, no fireworks. they put their heads down and blew peoples minds. and their bandleader was a skinny little fuck who somehow stole the soul of robert johnson right from the hands of the devil and put the les paul on the map.
when led zeppelin would open their shows theyd start off with a half hour version of dazed and confused whose centerpiece was the dynamic musicality between page’s solos and bonhams rhythms. while john paul jones laid down that ominous bass line and plant moaned, jimmy shredded in a way that rock has foolishly turned its back on.
his music was garish and loud and frenzied and exact. his music was like an angry beast in a hurricane. his music was like a butterfly metamorphisizing into a thousand rainbows.
his music socked a new hole in the ass of rock.
even when they were universally written off as over-the-hill, page and plant got on mtvs unplugged in their 50s and delivered the best unplugged record of all time, even better than nirvanas. some would say twice as good.
recently cadillac wanted to appeal to a slightly younger crowd than the seniors who had been loyal to their sedans over the years.
they sent a few brinks trucks to jimmy page
and now the caddy is back. back in a big way.
fuck the beatles.
fuck friends. fuck rush limbaugh. fuck the view. fuck the president. fuck smog. fuck hemmoriods. fuck taxes. fuck colin quinn. fuck sally jesse fucking raphael. fuck american idol when theyre not auditioning people. fuck rick dees. fuck casey kasem. fuck people who care how i spell. fuck people who leave anonymous negative feedback.