are getting the wrong impression about me on the internet. and since im too lazy to make an About section to summarize whatever it is that should be summarized in a smart and tidy little witty way let me just do it the way that we always do it here which is of course long and drawn out.

i should have probably been drowned when i was born but life isnt fair and ta da here i am for you.

im the greatest employee. im hardly ever sick, i get along with pretty much everyone who isnt a total jagoff, i dont mind working late, im completely versitile and im ridiculously loyal even if being paid an insulting wage.

i keep a nice-looking desk, im bubbling full of genius ideas, i ride the bus to work and i thoughorly wash my hands after i pinch a loaf.

at home i am a dirty, filthy, reclusive 110 year old man totally addicted to the internet, televised american sports, porn, bleeding-edge technology, and popular music videos. my sex drive peaked years ago. my eating habits have stabalized. my rum drinking is certifiably under control. but my mansion is usually cluttered, stuffy, and riddled with lust.

i have lived long enough to learn that the people you need to impress are already impressed with you, and those who will never be impressed should be utterly ignored.

focus on your mother.

would she be happy with what youre doing?

big picture.

for that reason i never became a porn star, a drug dealer, or a congressman, even though i know i would have succeeded in mythological ways. sure my mom would have been proud that i was best in my field, but it was best in a field of shit.

but ultimately, your mom will always be proud of you, so quit sucking freuds dick and get on with your own life

your

life.

yours.

good bands focus on the crowd at hand.

its not about selling a zillion records in new zealand.

it’s about making the people in the house dance.

i hate phonies. i hate liars. call me anything you want but you cant call me a liar. and if i lied let me know immediately and we will clean that shit up pronto as in pronto as in now motherfucker, now.

i know im not the most easy man to always deal with and for that reason i am most grateful in life to the women who have not only put up with my dumbass bullshit but then knealt down before me

if theres anyone who knows i dont deserve shit, not even the three squares and a roof that i would get in the joint, its me, but that doesnt mean that i should bullshit anyone in my daily walk, especially those who happen to stumble across this little sand in the hourglass.

i get a thousand hits a day on this blog. its more than lots. but its not even close to some. and even if i got more than everyone i would still keep it real as in really real as in really though because keeping it real is why we love nwa and angus young and bob dylan and why we hate as in HATE people who try to bullshit us.

because this is what bullshitting is

its one person saying

you are too fucking stupid to know that im bullshitting you right now so here it is.

the lies dont insult me, it’s the part of me that you thought you could capitalize on.

which is exactly the part that i play keep away with the nba cheerleaders who often frequent my bachelor pad.

im a man full of love. bubbling over. but also steaming of hate. my hate has no end.

i hate people who cant think for themselves and make decisions off shit they Know makes no sense. i hate people who think a blowjob in the oval office is truly something to impeach someone over. i hate people who dont think precisely as i do and i hate people who dont know that i know that nobody thinks precisely as i do.

i hate newspapers which seduced me and then just as quickly all sold out. all.

i hate radio which was once my salvation but now is nothing but a way for the devil to make me hate from a deeper place, dare i say Special place.

i can run for hours. i can spit straight between my front teeth. im deeply religous. i drink red labeled whole fresh milk.

im a great bowler. im a lazy but skillful lover. im a dull but loyal boyfriend. and im the worst enemy of all time.

but mostly im just an american man slowly aging

and who will one day

before you know it

be dead.

but not gone.

cuz nothing good really goes away.

and as little self esteem i have,

i know that im good

if only at writing on this faggy little bullshit blog.

sk smith + jaime + d.lo

specially by dipshits.

a long time ago roget ebert said that the internet was the greatest invention that man ever created so that strangers could connect over long distances and tell each other that they suck.

what sucks about most of the people who leave anonymous negative comments to my posts about how riduculously transparent our fuehrer’s lies are is that they never

ever

ever

back up their whines with facts or admissions or halfway concessions or ideas or reasons or excuses or apologies or different takes on what i present.

they just roll off their sisters, fire up their aol, and tell me i suck.

well duh, i know i suck.

tell me something i dont know.

but that still doesnt mean that our president isnt completely full of shit and up to his eyeballs in lies, deception, and impeachable acts.

and it doesnt mean that rumsfield didnt look like a stuttering old man who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar this afternoon during his press conference.

what im asking for i dont believe is all that difficult, however the gutless will see it as a challenge and wont own up. but what im asking for is a dialogue of even the most simple sort.

kids could figure it out.

if someone says something that you disagree with, write out what parts you disagree with and give reasons why and then leave your name and an email address and/or homepage.

if you really believe what it is that youre writing in my comments, that is.

sam + tomdog + flingus

i hear you want to throw money at this george bush problem.

all i suggest is you throw it in the right places.

in the picture to the left you see a pretty girl who spent some money on a nice outfit, tennis lessons, and a nice racquet.

sometimes its better to spend money on a prettier girl instead. or twenty prettier girls.

according to reuters you plan on spending $12.5 million to defeat president bush.

all i can say is, if i was you, a billionaire, seriously committed to removing a president who has lied about weapons of mass destruction, lied about taking a country to war, illegally detained hundreds of people for two years now, crippled a once vibrant economy, and is poised to be one of the most rotten scoundrels ever to be called the president of the united states,

i would think bligger.

what hes doing in the name of freedom

in the name of america

is disgusting.

plus hes a fucking moron.

whys there a fucking lying moron running my country blowing shit up and killing and imprisoning people in my name and making me pay for it?

but whats creepier is how many people dont mind him.

and what do we make of the alleged millions who support the little fuck?

well you go spend your money.

me, im gonna write on my blog.

count the times i have sex this year

7

and start a new online zine

entirely written by women

a place for female bloggers to write what they dont write on their blogs.

Lick

sex

drugs

rock

something to do other than nothing

what id rather do is receive a check from you, mr soros, for five million dollars. and id rather put together a staff of excellent writers and photographers and pay them the highest salaries that theyve ever had

to make the finest online political web magazine ever

called the bush report

for the sole purpose of making sure that the american people know the truth about who they’ll be voting for the next time theres a presidential election.

if i was a billionaire and i couldnt expose a dumbass like george fucktwit bush with my $12.5 million

and i actually had an extra $5 mil

to invest in the interent

which, like rock n roll

by the way,

isnt dead.

thank you.

well, if it was me,

id invest in something cheesy like the power of the truth

written like nails blasting out of a damn shotgun.

hell, fellow billionaire mark cuban

invested more than that this year on antoine walker

and all cuban wanted to do was beat the fucking lakers.

layne + welch + langfield + sullivan + minx