all I know is that I am horny as fuck and I am counting down the hours until I can rip your clothes off….and I am dead serious

dumbme: you have a key, right?

sometimes life is good.

sometimes life is very good.

i know two people having birthday parties tonight.

im not going to either.

im going to have a little party at my house.

one with a hot chick with huge cans, a big smile, long blond hair, and a fetish that involves knocking on my door in a miniskirt and a fake blood on her forehead claiming to have just been in an auto accident and asking to use my phone.

shes an act-tress.

loves to act.

always tries to get me involved.

im not much for the role play but she scripted something good for me and ive learned my lines.

im the crumungeoney recluse who is up to here with women.

im the one who hasnt gotten any in so long that i dont even look at chicks any more.

while on the phone she sees my trophy room and realizes that at one point of my life i was a big time director and she asks me about it and i tell her that i was a porno director and she is shocked and then curious and asks how a man wins an award in directing adult film and i mix her a drink and reluctantly show her my reel.

all while secretly wishing for her to leave so i could go back to my liter of tequila and my tear soaked pillow.

of course she gets turned on by the video. it is award-winning after all. and of course that leads us into sex.

and five minutes later it’s over.

tonights date says how horny she is, and thats nice. i wish i was. i wish i was motivated to do anything. i just want to drive but you cant just drive on a friday night in hollywood. especially if you dont have a car. all you can do is sit in traffic.

tonights date says how she wants to rip my clothes off but im wearing a weezer tshirt that i love. its a white ringer tee that has a chinese leftover takeout box thats smiling and says weezer under it in quasi-chinese writing.

i would prefer that it would stay in tact.

i wish i was motivated to do anything.

i know i have to put Lick up this weekend. i was hoping it would get done tonight but who am i fooling. only im getting done. Lick wasnt put up last night or the night before and i should get Raspil to do it but i dont think she wants to either.

its not that im losing interest in Lick im losing interest in everything cool.

not only do i blame the president and the month of pisces but i mostly blame society.

and myself, naturally.

this is what happens when you hand genxboy everything on a silver platter.

he says hey fucker, wheres the gold one

and sits back down on his futon.

sk smith + photodude + vodka pundit

have i told you that i love courtney?

i do. what other rock star is letting brothas pose for pictures like this at Wendy’s late at night?

not phil collins, thats for damn sure.

speaking of brothas, ive gotten lots of email but not many comments on the FCC Chairman’s email below.

at first i thought it was fake, but now im believing that that email truly was from Colin’s son.

As the Daily Stern reported today, the FCC fined Howard Stern $27,500 for talking about an oral sex act that occurs when you’re taking a #2.

The conversation occured in 2001.

Ironically, yesterday, Oprah Winfrey had a guest on who was talking about… of all things, Licking someones ass

precisely what I discussed yesterday morning

for your asses.

anyway, let’s compare and contrast what Oprah discussed yesterday with what Howard got busted for:


WINFREY: OK–so–OK, so what is a salad toss?

Ms. BURFORD: OK, a tossed salad is–get ready; hold on to your underwear for this one–oral anal sex. So oral sex to the anus is what tossed salad is.

Hi, Mom.


Howard Stern: Well, a blumpkin is receiving oral sex while you�re sitting on a toilet bowl if you are a man. You�re sitting on a toilet bowl and uh, while you�re evacuating you receive your oral.

Robin Quivers: Ick.

the difference is Oprah didnt get in any trouble, and Stern has to hand over the equivalent of a Ford Explorer.

normally I would have scratched my head and wondered why Stern would get punished for it, but after Michael Powell explained so clearly that this is about him trying to stick it to the White Oppressor, it makes a lot more sense to me.

so thank you Chairman Powell for the FCC exclusive.


goldman + case + kimbalina + ev + sutter