we hadnt gotten to sleep til 5:30am. didnt say thats when we got to bed thats when we got to sleep. oh yeah. heh.

woke up at 10am cuz her friends wanted her to have breakfast with her and i was all bone appittite. and she was all wsss wsss wsss. i was all huh. she was all do me before i leave and i was all again? and she was like yes, do it any way you want. and i was thinking hmmm. and i said i will but it wont be pretty. and she ripped the mexican blanket from my nude form and said anything you do will be pretty.

and then i did the foulest thing ive ever done to a woman.

well, ive done it before, a few times, but this was worse because a) it was sunday 2) i was talking dirty and pulling her hair and iii) she was talking dirtier and groaning. not moaning. eventually moaning but first groaning.

then we went to jack in the box where they have breakfast all day.

and i thought i have the weirdest life, all this is happening before noon.

then my buddy from the former dot com failure came over to borrow some cable splicers. i was all hows your new dot com and he said awesome. then told me how his stocks are doing. then before he left he was all, oh yeah, hope you kept your options for the former dot com failure, cuz they might go ipo now because theyve been outsourcing their shit offshore in the phillipeans.

i was all uh

he was like, how many options did you have ten thousand, twenty thousand?

i was all fourty five thousand.

he left, but not before saying oops.

and i was all, i have the weirdest life, and its still not noon.

at 11:45am my old buddy aj called to tell me that she has arrived in santa barbara where she will be teaching this quarter at ucsb at our alma matter the college of creative studies and she was drinking coffee outdoors at the sojourner, downtown. and she told me about the class shes teaching and i was all, im so excited for you you dont even know. then i told her how the burger king is now a sushi place and she was all, so great!

then she said how she wanted to renew her radio liscense while shes there and substitute on some shows and i was all thats so great and i meant it i know how crazy new york can be, and to be plopped in santa barabara to teach at the greatest school of all… sheesh.

then she said, yeah so that brings up something that i would like to ask you about, how would you like to be a guest lecturer for when we talk about jim carroll’s the basketball diaries, and i was all

i have the weirdest life.

and then i saw it was noon.

sortapundit + techlaw advisor + click here

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march 26 – april1

tonight:

new edition, keith sweat: universal

reel big fish, aquabats: henry fonda

dolorean: knitting factory

christopher cross: house of blues

saturday

ice-t with body count: key club

rudy ray moore: little pedro’s

loudon wainwright III: mccabes

the get up kids: troubador

the church: house of blues

leftover salmon: knitting factory

frank sinatra, Jr.: the canyon

sunday

the used, sugarcult, goldfinger, story of the year, others: oak canyon ranch

d.o.a.: malibu inn

spazzmatics: dragonfly

the evangenitals: mr. t’s bowl

jackson browne: lobrero theatre (santa barbara)

monday

prince: staples center

modest mouse: house of blues

static x, prong: roxy

the von bondies: troubador

abe lincoln story: spaceland

joey shithead; knitting factory

tuesday

story of the year: avalon

static x, prong: roxy

wednesday

thursday

the breeders (pictured), lou barlow, har mar superstar: spaceland

star fuckers: cat club

liars: troubador

john wesley harding: largo

(hed): whisky

porn star Houston: club vodka

noah glass + goldtoe + gnome-girl

starring Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, and Kirsten Dunst

written by Charlie Kaufman

directed by Michel Gondry

the problem with most critics is they’re easilly fooled. for example, just because Adaptation. was better than 95% of the movies that came out doesnt mean that it was good. interesting looking dog turds are still dog turds, doesnt matter what evil genius produced it.

the eternal sunshine of the blah blah blah isnt a dog turd. but it does have a rotten poop right in the middle of it that most people are going to be willing to overlook because it was created by a screenwriter who Might become a genius once everyone stops kissing his narcisistic ass.

i recommend that you see this movie, but im not going to rave because it doesnt deserve to be raved about. yes it is creative and different and interestingly shot, and Very well acted. but its flaws are huge and easilly corrected if only someone had the nads to speak up and tell charlie that he’s off the map.

he’s right on the money in so many ways, as was the director, as was the casting, that it only makes the mistakes that much more glaring and unbelievable.

my girlfriend kristin dunst is adorable in this, my boy jim carrey shows that once again – as in The Truman Show – that he can be “serious” and be just as good as any dramatic actor – and kate winslet continues to amaze and impress.

special kudos has to go to whoever the music coordinator was who got beck to contribute to the soundtrack. if the fucker is going to be all droney and somber the best place for him to be is on movie soundtracks where that shit flies.

heres what i want charlie kaufman to do: i want him to team up with spike lee. spike is crazy, but his storylines dont have any gaping holes.

then i want charlie kaufman to do a trilogy with spike jonez.

then i want charlie kaufman to take a year off and chill

then i want charlie kaufman to make a star wars movie with george lucas.

then i want charlie kaufman to make a batman movie with tim burton.

then i want charlie kaufman to make Blues Brothers 2001 where the ghost of John Belushi beats the fuck out of Dan Ackroyd and Jim Belushi for the first half of the movie for making blues brothers 2000, and then they go into space eat acid and reinvent punk rock

in space no one can hear you say oi.

then i want charlie kaufman to let me direct snoop dogg in iceberg slim’s pimp.

and im telling you right now. there will be no gigantic flaws in our shit.

roger ebert fucking wished he could write reviews like me

after the debauchery + Lick got a positive review in Suicide Girls + blogging.la

some think they should be praising it more.

but not many people know about the little things that happen behind the scenes that are actually not little at all, theyre huge.

oftentimes i have technical difficulties on this page. sometimes they have to do with the way ive coded the blog.

yesterday Sitemeter was making the page load even slower than normal so i took the code out.

today i put it back in and i did it in a sloppy way that screwed things up even more.

i looked through the Blogger.com knowledge base and when i couldnt find the answer i emailed the good people behind the curtain.

within minutes, people, MINUTES, i had a lovely techincal support person fixing my problem and before i could say fuckmovablefuck my shit was fixed.

just another reason why im down with Blogger 4 Life!

and cuz they started this gangsta shit.

and cuz they once sent me a nice hoodie.

and cuz their shit gets me laid.

and cuz theyre nice.

there is no better support than Blogger Support, i should know, i worked for many years for a company that provided outsourced technical and customer support for web sites. thats where i met karisa.

Blogger Support totally rules.

another behind the scenes angel is mr. oswald p tyler, cheif ceo of nothing special network systems, who hosts the busblog at a nominal fee.

mr os couldnt be cooler and nicer and friendlier and i dont think i thank him enough for what he has done for me and our friends.

this blog and my site hardly ever goes down. and if it does its for little blips of time. i heart mr os and im eternally grateful for his support.

if any of you are considering hosting solutions, please consider Nothing Special, they kick ass. just ask mr matt welch, mr ken layne, or rock group tsar, or any of the other dozens of sites that NSNS hosts.

i also need to thank my true love, my honeys, and my friends who always give me constructive criticism about my stuff on here. but i especially want to thank the lovely ladies who sit on my lap in my closet and read my masterwork outloud to me so i can hear how it sounds from the mouths of babes.

that shit is priceless to me, and it might seem narcisistic but its super important, because when people read good smooth shit aloud it naturally flows. if its confusing it doesnt flow. and sometimes i want it not to flow but normally i want it schmoove.

unlike this post.

anyway thank you blogger support. thank you mr os. thank you kim my lawyer. thank you my friends. thank you my readers. thank you hotties. and thank you good Lord for letting me be born during this magical time.

blogger + kimbalina + sk smith

March 25

Apollo 8, 11 & 13 astronaut James Lovell, Jr., turns 76. Capt. Lovell racked up 715 hours in space which at one point was a record until Spacelab showed up. in 1973 he retired from the Navy and from the Space Program to join Bay-Houston Towing Company in Houston, a company involved in “harbor and coastwise towing, mining and marketing of peat products for the lawn and garden industry, and ranching.” Don’t be sad, he was promoted to the position of President and Chief Executive Officer on March 1, 1975.

Crazy-haired movie critic Gene Shalit turns 72. His moustache turns 62. The Today staple was a regular on What’s My Line? and To Tell The Truth, played his bassoon on stage at Lincoln Center, and conducted the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra in a full concert of classical music, proving that image is truly everything

Feminist and publisher Gloria Steinem is 70. 70 years old! The Ms. magazine founder graduated magna cum laude from Smith College in 1956 but sexism was so rampant back then that it took her a full 8 years to co-found New York magazine. In 1971 she created Ms. Magazine and nothing smelled better to young men than the oncoming aroma of freshly burning brassierres. Next to cooling apple pies, of course.

Dominos Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is 67. His success proves that humans will rush to rally behind generic, middle of the road, bland bullshit because it appears safe, easy and inexpensive, even when it’s not. Later the Bush family proves this too. My advice: avoid the Noid.

Florida orange juice spokesperson and anti-gay advocate Anita Bryant is 64. In 1977 she campaigned to repeal a Miami ordinance banning anti-gay discrimination. Her organization, Save Our Children, claimed that gays were converting children to homosexuality and rallied against gay adoptions.

“Since homosexuals cannot reproduce,” she argued, “they must recruit and freshen their ranks.”

As archaic and backwards as that sounds, earlier this year a federal appellate court upheld Florida’s anti-gay adoption law using some of the same twisted logic that gay adoptive parents might create gay adoptive kids.

Which is why I drink only orange juice made from fresh California Valencia oranges, and not those uptight ones from the sunshine state.

The recently hospitalized Aretha Franklin is 62. The Queen of Soul and Rock n Roll Hall of Fame member has garnered 15 Grammy Awards throughout her respectable career, but my favorite moment of hers was when she co-starred in The Blues Brothers and unsuccessfully tried to convince Matt “Guitar” Murphy that he should think about his responsibilities instead of re-joining up with the likes of Jake and Elwood Blues.

The original Starsky, Paul Michael Glaser, is 61, and still doesnt get the props he deserves for directing Shaq in 1996’s classic, Kazaam.

Actress Bonnie Bedilia is 58. She was Bruce Willis’s wife in the Die Hard movies. ‘member?

UK singer, songwriter Elton John is 57. He’s gay.

SNL allumn Mary Gross is 51. Most recently she appeared in A Mighty Wind, Troop Beverly Hills and the TV show Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Poor woman.

His momma knows him as Haywood Nelson but you know him as Dwayne Wayne from what may have been the best show in the 70s What’s Happening! Rerun and Rog’s pal turns 44 today. Now he had a fro!

Rebecca from tv’s The Practice, Lisa Gay Hamilton hits the big 4-0. Although IMDB says she was in Jackie Brown, I dont remember her in it. All I remember, truthfully, is Deniro smoking out of a bong and then taking Bridget Fonda from behind. Remind me to rent that one again.

Ferris Bueller’s skinny little wife Sarah Jessica Parker is 39. Almost everything about her annoys me. How she got an Emmy for “acting” like the ever-confused ditzy fashionista in Sex and the City is beyond me, but every chick I know wanted to be Carrie even though she is the Butterface posterchild (everythings hot but her face).

She was so convincing in Honeymoon In Vegas that hollywood ran right out and remade it the very next year (Indecent Proposal) with the far-more-worth-a-million-dollars-to-sleep-with-for-one-night Demi Moore.

Singer, guitarist Jeff Healey is 38. He’s blind. He also plays the guitar backwards and upside down. Somehow.

The token black chick in “Saved By the Bell,” Lark Voorhies (“Lisa Turtle “) is 30. Although she tried to be the next Tootie, no one can fill those roller skates despite appearing on several soap operas including “Days Of Our Lives” and “Bold and The Beautiful.”

little big mind + space kadet + little lost robot

even Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, Venus and Mercury.

so you should come too.

this is going to be a mindblowing show. apparently theres a new attitude at the old historic LA theatre: they want good bands to play. so the first band that the brand new booker chose, no lie, were your boys Tsar.

and Tsar was all, cool, thanks, who are we opening for?

and the booker dude was all, no, youre the headliners.

and they were all, but our album wont even be out yet.

and the dude was like, so.

and they were all, but we dont have a video or a bunch of hype or anything.

and he was all, so.

and they were all, but we’ve been playing tiny little clubs as little warm up gigs before we tour the world and the booker guy was all, you are the best band in LA, you have a hot new cd coming out, you will fucking rock these old walls and shake the foundations, if there is one band that needs to be playing real venues its inside-out Star.

and they were all, cool.

so to celebrate im inviting you, my los angeles readers, to come to the show.

im also inviting my san diego readers

im inviting my oc readers

im inviting my ex girlfriends and former employees

im inviting all the hot babes of the web who want to meet me and touch my bald head

im inviting all the stalkers who want to meet karisa

im inviting everyone who can read this message to come to hollywood california on passover monday as the planets align and the sound of a new generation is hear.

a call in the wilderness as passionate as the cry of a wanting virgin on her wedding night

one of absolute pleasure and delicous pain

of fantastical beauty and endless wonderment

the sound of curious eyes being opened for the very first time in the name of rock.

im calling you out to witness the end of the bullshit and the beginning of a new regime in power punk.

this is your chance to experience the majesty which is tsar.

say you’ll come.

tsar + balloon farm + the invisible hand + uppity-negro + betsy

my name is tony pierce.

i am 110 years old and i live near you but i live in hollywood.

i think youre swell.

i know youre probably a big fat hairy man. or worse, a republican, but i like you.

i like your website. i like your other website, the secret one, and i like your blog.

sometimes when youre sad it makes me sad. sometimes it makes me smile cuz i know youre just kidding.

lately youve been happy and that makes me very very happy because of all the times you seem so nervous and not happy.

i think you should try to practice to be happy.

heres how i practice.

what i do is i sit on my curb and i look at people.

i monitor myself and whenever i think Fuck what a goddamned asshole, i go, oh be nice now. and then i try to be nice. oh, what a hot looking fucking goddamned asshole.

etc.

so now i have gotten to the point where i just go, oh hi, look at that nice naked bum pissing so carefully in the gutter for that nice officer of the law to roll his car through.

see.

ok. now here is how to be happy with all that sweet art that you make.

sit in your house and look at the sculptures and charcoals and oil paintings and then sit back and say fuck not many people have these things.

then get a tiny peice of art that you have made and send it to the person who wrote this web page cuz he would be so damn appreciative you dont even know. send it to:

tony pierce

4845 Fountain Ave #15

Hollywood, CA 90029

and he wont ebay that shit.

not even after you die and become hugely famous.

ok.

now heres another way that you can be happy and make other people happy too.

email xxxtonyxxx at hotmail and give me a good time that i can catch you on AOL instant messenger so we can have a folow-up interview from the one we did many many many moons gone by.

if you want you can even send me pics of girls who you’d like me to put in the interview thing.

and last but not least, flagrant… i know how much you love the rock music, what you should do, and i think you’ll like this, you need to go to the El Rey on April 5 to see Tsar play there.

theyre the headliners.

theyre going to rock the fucker.

theyre going to bring rock music back to wilshire blvd where it hasnt been in a long long time.

you dont have to say hi to me.

you dont have to buy me a michelob.

you dont have to introduce yourself as splinky the wonder kid.

you can lie if you want cuz sometimes Sometimes lies are funny, you can say hi my name is angela romano and god i love your blog.

and i will be so drunk + happy to be at a tsar show i wont even know what youre doing and later if you want when we’re in an olde folkes home you can say remember that time at the el rey on passover night in two thousand and four…

flagrant + melting dolls + zero79

we didnt know what was one. not sure we woulda understood. found out when i was in highschool. we loved her back then. loved her more after.

she was our fourth grade teacher too. cried during reading us “Where the Red Fern Grows” out loud.

was the first reason i wanted to write.

somehow that was fourth grader logic: i love my teacher so much that i want to write a story that would make her cry.

i wonder where she is.

we called her Mrs. Janice even though she wasnt married. in those days we called everyone Mrs.

i dont think ive called anyone Mrs since.

last night my true love asked me if i still wanted kids. i said eh. she asked if i still wanted to get married. i was all eh.

she said dont give up on your dreams just cuz i wont marry you.

i was all, i gave up on being manager for the Cubs so who cares about all the other little stuff.

she said baby.

i was all, yes baby.

she was all, do you really want to marry me?

and i was all, no.

she said what!

i was all i want to do you then marry you then do you again.

then we talked about how Bush is a fucking pussy for not letting Condi Rice take the stand on Capital Hill and take her lumps for knowing about 9-11 and not doing shit about it.

and i started singing “whats he building in there” by tom waits but i changed it to “whats he hiding over there”.

then we told each other we loved each other.

then i fell asleep watching the sopranos

and i still havent made it through sundays episode.

lady gauchos are in the sweet sixteen for the first time ever + the foxy moxie pierce + ken layne