well, if i cant get my dream job, i suppose i will work for the la times, get married, get a mini van, and sell out.

im almost 111 years old.

why am i fighting the inevitable any more?

theres worse things in life than coaching softball on saturdays and fighting traffic to make a school play.

its so weird how those of us who could have the american dream turn our backs on it and try to change the world instead.

in the long run how much more important is identifying the failures of the right (who harp on the misdeeds of Joe Wilson and Sandy Berger while ignoring the misdeeds of the President who is hiding 28 pages of the 9/11 report and Robert Novak who blew the cover of an undercover CIA agent) than raising good strong healthy moral kids?

and going to PTA meetings

and hosting bible study in the garage.

not like anyone cares about fair and balanced coverage in blogs anyhow.

plus, ive always wanted a dog.

a nice big old english sheepdog named Angus who would be too lazy to do much more than eat drink and sleep.

ive always wanted a big backyard with a treeswing and a hot tub.

im sure the la times could provide that to me.

and its not like the world is reaching out to america to be changed.

only problem is im going to have to wear a suit. which in this summer’s heat doesnt seem very fun. even if i look damn good in suits.

but its cool.

only thing im not crazy about is having to work for Tribune Corp.

however after all these years at the XBI, nothing could be worse.

one thing i promise i wont be doing is putting a My Child Is an Honor Student sticker on the back of our Astrovan.

and i probably wont blog.

but first i would have to find a wife, i suppose.

or stickier, putting up blog ads.

or something.

michele malkin + cynthia rockwell + souptree

they are about 10:30pm at Spaceland.

dylan’s band, Shapes of Race Cars will play a little before 10pm, and i feel bad cuz i dont think ive ever seen them.

then Tsar returns to the spaceland stage, which theyve owned since they came out in 1999.

this time they will be playing with a new drummer.

i dont know his name.

i did hear him last night on KXLU and it was impressive, but it could have been college radio trickery.

speaking of college radio trickery, our old pal AJ will be in attendence tonight. and i cant wait to see her.

in other news, anna kournikova and i are officially over.

i know most of you wrote us off a while back, but we’ve been keeping in touch on the dl, and yesterday i legally recognized her union with her man.

we were eating in some trendy place in los feliz and i got it. she loves me, but she doesnt Love me. she wants enrique, the pretty boy, the dude who will do all the little girlie things that i wont do with her, like walk in the park and hang out at her place, and blah blah blah.

needless to say i got it. im done. i hope she and her man live happilly ever after. and i hope he takes care of that shit cuz its good.

and when she drove me home i was a little sad.

so i said, can i feel you up one last time.

she said, over the shirt?

i said, yeah.

so she undid her seat belt and i gave them one last squeeze, and that was it.

trueboy + amy + this is a thing that is happening

for your buttocks

with miss montreal. she wants to go with her work friends and not with me. im all, you see your work friends every damn day AT WORK! shes all, you dont understand.

i dont understand.

i think the gay guys have it all figured out with their glory holes and their wife beater tshirts and their convertible vws.

and they always have great hair.

fuckers.

now miss montreal is trying to break our date.

fine. i wanted to see sonic youth anyway.

what i will do is sell my FLOOR tickets and let her sit up in the smelly balcony which is guaranteed to be balmy and sticky in the old wiltern, turn a handsome profit and take my black ass over to the henry fonda and rock out, alone, to the dulcet sounds of sonic youth

who have added a third guitarist.

for no good reason.

and who still have the best drummer in rock now that tsar have split ways with theirs.

tsar, of course, who are playing tonight on LAs only real college alternative station, KXLU 88.9 FM at 11pm

tsar, of course, who are playing tomorrow night as part of Pop Overthrow at 10ish at Spaceland in Silverlake with their new drummer whose name escapes me.

my phone wont stop ringing, america.

and its not you calling to tell me its gonna be ok.

i know its gonna be ok.

i just want it to be ok while i can enjoy it.

whats the use of it being ok when im in my Rascal, when i cant do much except take my cane and lift up the skirt of the queen of england.

im already old, but i have some life in me, and i want to rock it.

sonic youth style crazed and wild and different every time.

today danielle and i went to the grocery store. its a supermarket chain called Ralph’s.

because this is LA, in the fish department, they have a lady who will make sushi for you fresh right there.

danielle is super high maintenence which makes you think that she would squish her nose at supermarket sushi but nope she loves it.

still the gayboys have it all figured out and i dont know shit about anything.

sk smiff + nsfw bukkake + seven inches of sense

but yes, i fuck up too.

the reason that i would never be elected president of the united states, besides being black, is because i would get on the mic and say

it’s hard to believe, but yes, i fuck up too.

got some in vegas at the motel 6 across from the mgm, and thankfully not with a prostitute, which means my slump is over.

arrived back in hollywood after a nice seafood buffet lunch at the rio and got it on with clipper girls cousin who i havent seen in quite some time and did something with her hair that made me stare at her all afternoon.

sometimes you forget that you’re with a cheerleader until they stretch their arms over their head yawning and that slim little sixpack pokes out from underneath all that pink tshirt and oh is that a belly chain

and before the sun went down i was two for two.

90. seo book

how? luck. luck? good luck.

we drove over to her place afterwards and i saw her cousin pulling out. clipper girls cousin ran inside to get her overnight bag, and i talked to the real clipper girl.

we hadnt talked in forever.

hi baby.

hi tony.

looking good.

shuttup, nerd.

whats going on with you?

same old.

still with that man?

yes.

does he go down on you yet?

perhaps youre confusing me with your other ex girlfriends. he and i never had that problem, thank you.

well, uh, i thought i heard something along those lines.

you havent heard anything along those lines.

my apologies then.

your hair looks good. you have a good head for that look.

your booty looks good.

ok, im going.

when are we going to hang out again baby.

you mean do it? never. its over tony.

is he really that good in the sack?

thats none of your business.

moan twice if you miss me.

you know i miss you.

moan twice then.

no.

once.

NO!

i put my head close to hers. she was sitting in her car. she couldnt move her head anywhere, but she moved it to the side.

dont worry i whispered. im not gonna kiss you. and i put my nose behind her ear and let in the fragrance.

then kissed it

good seeing you baby, i said.

and waited for her to pull away

and waited

is it november + jim gilliam + dawn olsen

stillo invited me to caesars this weekend, and since i knew a suite was involved, i happily, accepted.

stillo, as you may have heard, is a high roller, a programmer, and a very talented card counter.

the arrangement is, if he gambles for two hours a day, everything is comped including food drink and a suite. and by gamble, we’re talking $100 a hand. which in blackjack can rack up quickly. especially for my man who has never met a double down he didnt like.

they also had a deal where if he gambled, im sorry i meant, played for three hours a day he’d get two suites.

stillo, you see, thinks its “gay” if two men shared the same gigantico suite.

fine with me, my own free suite in my favorite vegas hotel?

shit.

but as you know there are no free lunches. everything has a tradeoff. and even though im the luckiest man in the world, even i dont get to stay in vegas for free (i did have to provide for my (southwest) airline ticket, ($100 r/t)), eating their food, drinking their booze, and hanging out at the pool toplessly using their wifi laptops so i could blog to you, without having to pay some price.

stillo, lets say, isnt the most attractive young man.

neither of us are, to be completely honest, but somehow ive been able to catch a few breaks from time to time.

not so for our little friend.

so when he comes to vegas and stays at caesars its always interesting that there is a super attractive young woman

or two

at his arm drinking and laughing and gambling with him as he smokes his thin cigars and wins and wins, losing back enough to not appear greedy.

the problem is he wants a witness.

which, apparently is where i come in.

he wants someone to know that somewhere in the world he can pull the chicks.

and im all, dude, no offense, but theyre obviously hookers.

and hes all, nuh huh, i dont pay them anything.

im all duh, it’s uncle julius.

he’s all, who?

im all, dude, caesars, same guy who paid for this drink,

there was a knock at the door

and those steaks.

who’s calling us steaks, the one in pink said, twirling long fake ponytails on either side of her silver wig.

stillo knows i cant do hookers, for a variety of reasons from the bible to my overly safe sex practices, one that does not include whores.

but they were hot, so we went down to the club.

and we hung out and drank and talked and when the girls got up to dance stillo and i tried to plan our exit strategy.

you take em, im going to bed.

no no tony, theyre not hookers, betty really likes me. lets hang out some more. this is vegas!

i was all, broham, if i get drunk im going to have sex with a hooker and i dont want that. little tone doesnt want that, and any future tony doesnt want that. ive had my fun, im hitting the hay

and he frowned a frown that only a man who could find displeasure in being alone with two very hot very drunk and very sexy young ladies possibly of the night. and somehow i found myself in stillos suite in the front area, on a leather couch, stirring my rum punch while he popped open some more comped dom.

dude, im going to bed. what am i doing here?

tone, i dont know what to do either, but let me ask you, you dont want to be part of what’s about to come out of that bathroom?

my head said no, but my mouth wasnt.

we sat there staring at the bathroom door. two extremely good looking girls. all natural from what we could tell. dressed like hos but smart somehow. and normal. i was starting to believe that they just got off on being around action. and stillos gambling addiction slash card counting was action to these two sorta normal

oh my lord

they both came out in leather.

mine was dressed in a pink leather little bo peep outfit with baby blue taffetta hoop skirt. stillo’s was in black leather. completely except for two eyeholes. a zipper where her mouth should be.

im out, i esp-ed

stillo was ex xbi.

come on dude, he esp-ed back.

the drunken girls were trying to roleplay but kept breaking into laughter and stumbling in their ridiculously high heels.

bo peep dropped her champaign flute and cracked up laying on the thick rug innocently flashing us.

look, tony, its not like im asking you to do it with us. lets just party more.

what does that even mean? i thought.

and stillo said, hey why dont you girls make out, ive never seen that before.

and the girls listened, and then laughed. and little bo peep bounced up and crawled over to my leather girl.

unzipped her mouth

looked over at us

and then kissed her.

albino brain chiggers + flagrant + brown equals terrorism

risking life and limb for the benefit of a greater good.

but in real life im just a normal dude.

who am i to tell you how to write your blog.

but one thing i would like to see more of on the blogs that i read are pictures of your town.

blogger will even host your pictures for free.

or you could use buzznet.

or you could upload the pics onto your own server.

the point is, it’s not hard to do, it’s cheap, and it’s 2004 it’s ok to have pictures on your blog.

i say make it of your town. i say make it of the places that are ordinary to you, and things that are everyday, and some things that arent so everyday.

my man in the picture there is wearing a tshirt that says Atari on it. it’s a tribute in a way to lots of people’s first video game system.

neauvoux nostalgia some of my more cynical friends say, but its sometimes a good idea to ignore those folks.

anyway, show me whats going on in your neighborhood.

maybe once a week at least you should do something along those lines.

my true love is coming over right now.

shes driving up vermont and shes going to bring me two peices of extra crispy

mashed potatoes

and hot buttered love on a cob.

she had one request before she came over,

that i wouldnt say anything about riggs bank.

saidy + my sassy wife moxie + handwashing for lyfe

to write about politics anymore. and i dont wanna do it neither.

i just want to write about taking pictures out of a greasy bus window cuz the subway was clogged with a broken train this morning.

i wanna write about how great it is to have lunch with danielle every afternoon that im not flying the smogy skies.

i wanna write about the cubbies and how they shouldnt be involved in any three-way trade with beantown and zona. the cubs should send glendon rusch and mitreto the the d-backs and for the big unit, and they should send corey patterson, alex gonzales and kyle farnsworth to the sox for nomar.

avoid the middle men.

i wanna write about how insane that cubbies lineup would be. i wanna write about how we need a ring right now, today. and speaking of rings, the cubs could pay for all of this nonesense real simple.

they should sell replica Cubs World Series rings via cubs.com to all the fans for $420 that look exactly like the ones the Cubs would earn once they have Randy Johnson and Nomah.

are there 10,000 cubs fans who would wear such a gaudy, silly, doofus, nerdy, outrageous peice of jewlery?

no.

theres probably 25,000.

i might buy two myself.

on one side it needs to say 1908 and on the other side it needs to say 2004.

you should be able to put your name on the underside for $25 extra.

“hey hey” should be in there somewhere, as well as a design of some ivy.

i would never take it off.

yes, these are the things that a man of my stature should be writing about at 4:20p on a friday evening before i head out to vegas for a much needed respite.

instead the president just keeps on saying look at me look at me

and nobody else feels inclined to write about it.

meanwhile i still havent had a chance to tell you about my two favorite cds of this year, so far…

Greg Vaine’s new cd, which makes me cry it’s so beautiful.

and Loretta Lynn’s collaboration with Jack White, that makes me smile cuz its so punk rock.

i hope you all have a great weekend.

ps. my hands are feeling so freaking great. id say theyre at 95%.

pps. Tsar will be on KXLU on Monday night at 11pm.

ppps. yes that is a KXLU sticker on the very top of the “no graffit please” sign, of which you can only see “los angeles” due to my dumb cropping

bunny mcintosh, your favorite sorta topless redhead college student needs you

karl rove, so cocky about?

doesnt he know that today the Associated Press, after finding out that Texas law requires the Texas National Guard to keep a copy of all Guard records, (in a seperate place from where the feds keep such records) asked a federal judge to order the pentagon to release the documents.

this came in light of last friday’s report that the president’s Guard records, stored in Colorado, were accidentally destroyed.

Not all the records were inadvertantly decimated, mind you, just the months in question where nobody seems to know where the president was.

Some are accusing him of deserting.

Some say he only went AWOL.

Some say the Texas records are in a Texas trashcan.

And yet some insist that the records that have been released are enough to prove that the president served his time. Even if the records that were released are difficult to read.

So i dont know why Rove is so cocky.

Maybe it’s because he knows that no way will the American people blame Bush or Rummy for the attrocities happening in Iraq at the hands of US soldiers who are raping children in such a way that their mothers are asking to be killed so that they dont have to watch their boys and girls get sodomized.

in the days of chimpanzees i was

shocked.

which is silly because this adminstration has refused to accept blame for anything that it has been responsible for, directly or indirectly, since it stole the election.

setting quite a precident along the way

and almost forcing the pendulum to swing all the way to the left to make up for it.

which in this blogger’s opinion isnt the best solution.

but it is a solution.

and if these records prove that the president was a deserter, i would have to think that impeachment/resignation is only the first step.

court-martial should naturally come next.

batty baby + injection + cup of chica