a request from the gorilla mask

icelandic fans

hey tony,

got the blooks the other day. thanks again for doing that for me. the personalized one’s on the coffee table, the other’s by the toilet. (take that as a compliment – it is.)

also, i know you come up with your own 17 post ideas every day, and i hate when people tell me what to write, but i’ve got a suggestion to submit, dammit.

i’m assuming you’ve gained an assload of readers over the past year or so. and i know you’ve got a blogger profile and all, but what about an FAQ post for readers who like your stuff, but may not “get” some of the references you make? i know when i jumped on roughly 18 months ago i enjoyed the writing but it took me a while to get some of the things you talk about – i wasn’t around for the origins.

i’m sure even a few regular readers have questions like “what’s the xbi?” and “why does he say nothing in here is true?” and “how did you come up with the photo essay and (insert other masterful creations here)?” they’d love to see answered in a post you could reference back to later.

anyway, just an idea – something i’d really like to read and i’m sure others would too.

the more i think about it, i know you’re going to hit me back with an FAQ url that i’ve blindly missed.


dear ryan,

i love the ‘mask. you make one of the funniest, more professional, borderline illegal, occasionally disgusting, best blogs out there.

if i hadnt gotten bored of giving out Anna awards you would have won one for something. shit. i dont know what. but you were on the short list.

whats up with Death Pool 2005? i want to win this year.

faqs should be short and sweet. so here goes

+ + +

busblog faq

q. why do you call it the busblog?

a. im the only person in LA who rides the bus. when i started blogging i wanted to call my blog something that would identify me for what made me different from other LA bloggers.

q. when did the busblog start?

a. summer of 2001

q. how often do you post?

a. between two and four times a day.

q. your blog says “nothing in here is true”. why?

a. ironically it allows me to be more honest. lets say i really was dating anna kournikova and someone from the press asked her about it. she could say, oh please even *he* says nothing on there is true.

q. how big is your weiner?

a. my pumas are size 10.

q. why are there no ads on your blog?

a. there are two ads. one for Project DU, who pays me to use my RSS feeds for their blogreader, and one from a company that paid me up front to link 5 words. i think ads make blogs look tacky and i think ads can distract people from being honest. the point of the web is to give people the opportunity to say something to the world. my message is not Eat At Joes.

q. whats the message of the busblog?

a. be good. be fearless. trust a higher spirit. try new things. communicate openly. own your nerdiness. ask the hot babe to the fair.

q. how old are you?

a. age is a fakeout.

q. do you get laid all the time?

a. when im not working, im on the web. like most people, sex is a very small percentage of my daily routine. weekends, however, are a fuckfest.

q. why dont you capitalize your letters?

a. lazy.

q. what do you think of people who write you off because of your lack of capitals and/or your poor grammer + spelling.

a. hopefully the popularity of this blog will show people that they can truly be themselves. there are very few people who i give a shit about regarding their opinions about this blog. if they said to capitalize or spellcheck i would. the rest can blow me. i feel bad that they will miss out on some great ee and wcw poems

q. do you really live in hollywood?

a. hollywood, ca, 90029

q. have you ever seen karisa naked?

a. i have a hard time looking at karisa clothed for more than ten seconds. naked would be like staring at ten suns, i would imagine.

q. where do you work?

a. i work for the xbi. a collective of supernatural shapeshifters who fight crime ruthlessly and visciously. imagine if the cia, fbi, the bloods and the crips were given college educations and very little supervision. put them in fast cars and silent helicopters and youd have the xbi on a lunch break.

q. did you really get carpal tunnel from blogging?

a. i got tendinitous and repetitive stress syndrome from the first few years that i worked at the xbi luring child molesters and arms dealers through aol chat rooms. 8 hours of chatting is good practice for aspiring writers, but foolish for old men whose body doesnt bounce back the way it used to. meanwhile blogging takes up about one hour a day. blogging is blameless.

q. why dont you have a girlfriend?

a. cuz im dumb.

q. how do you do your photo essays?

a. i get the pictures first. then i put them in Dreamweaver and write the text. then i upload them onto my site. a 40 page photoessay will take 4-5 hours so if i see that i havent started one before 10pm i dont even try to start because for some reason i have an unspoken rule that they must all be created in one sitting.

q. what do you want to be when you grow up?

a. cool.

q. who are some of your favorite bloggers.

a. raymi, flagrant, sk smith, welch, layne, the buzzmachine, and anti are some blogs that i visit every day.

q. you hate on bush all the time. why do you hate america?

a. bush is the fratboy loser fuckup moron who grew up ruining everything he touched. i dont hate america for voting for him. america would have voted for everyone loves raymond if they had the chance. we’re a great country, we just have issues regarding the whole voting process. half of us cant even find our way to the voting booth.

q. tsar sucks. why are you such a fanboy?

a. you obviously know nothing about rock music. i pity you.

q. who hosts your site?

a. Nothing Special Network Services. theyre not the cheapest, but you hardly ever see the busblog down, do you?

q. name all the sites and services that keep the busblog running.

a. finally, a good question:


nothing special network services

haloscan comments





windows xp

jeff solomon computer repair

kim thigpen legal goddess

my sponsors project du and free credit report


canon s45

cafepress who published my blook

trojan condoms

arrowhead water

sbc dsl

and most importantly the support of thousands of generously kind readers

q. whats your email address?

a. busblog at gmail dot com

q. is it true that your phone number starts with 666?

a. yes. how fucking cool is that?

q. is it true youre an ordained minister?

a. all real ministers are ordained.

q. what religion are you?

a. Christian

q. if youre Christian why does your phone number start with 666???

a. the bible says that the mark of the beast on the devil is 666. that number represents the decimal number of the 2/3rds (.666) of people who wont be saved, according to scripture. that number reminds me to try to be someone worth saving, its not a number to be afraid of.

(although whats creepy is that right now .666 of the world’s population are not Christian)

q. how many How To Blog books have you sold?

a. about 200.

q. thats not very many.

a. compared to your book sales it is.

q. how do you get your book published?

a. CafePress.com will print any original book. you turn your Word doc into a .pdf, upload a .jpg of your cover, spine and back cover and youre done. if you never want to buy one of your own books, the whole process will be free. if you want a copy it’s pretty cheap. and the quality is great.

q. how do i get you to link to me?

a. write me an email kissing my ass and i will link you.

q. i want to send you some nudes.

a. thats sweet but i dont open attachments from strangers. email me a link to where youve uploaded it.

q. does your mom read your blog? if so, is she proud?

a. my mom has known me for quite a while. in some ways im more open during my saturday phone conversations with her than i can be at times in this blog. i keep no secrets from her. the only thing she would like to see less of are the curse words. shes a southern gentlewoman.

q. why do you curse so much?

a. cuz thats how i would talk to you if we were at a bar, so thats how i will write to you on my blog.

q. whats the best tip you have for new bloggers?

a. right before you hit Publish Post, right click > select all > copy, then step away until it publishes. the web is funky, sometimes your browser will crap out or it wont publish, if that happens, go to your email and paste in your post and email it to yourself. once you know its been sent, restart your computer and try it again.

theres no good reason to lose a good post if you follow those simple steps.

q. whats your secret to getting lots of hits?

a. there are several different kinds of popular bloggers. one similarity is that most of them post at least once a day. its your job to find more similarities and mimic those too.

q. what are all those names and numbers on the left side of your blog?

a. for the last few years ive been conducting an experiment to see how long it would take to get $20,000 in donations in order to buy a car. when people flow me $10 or more, i put their name on the left side of my blog and if they have a blog i link their name to it. so far i have over $1,000. 2024 here we come!

q. how will the cubs do this year?

a. the cubs will win it all this year.

mc brown got to meet the blogger kids again + chokey named be Blogger of the Year + vote for sheila

ryne sandberg, the best second baseman of all time

called me to ask me why i hadnt yet given him props for making it into the hall of fame.

i told him that it was because i was busy this morning getting shot and and later stitched up.

while they stiched one part of me, they examined some stiches they put in on the other side of me. the doc said, you heal as fast as a five-year old kid.

we joked and i said that they need to get some gag blood hooked up to the examining bed that would squirt out at the (in)appropriate time.

the nurses were all, why?

i said, cuz it would be so awesome to think blood is squirting out of my head without the pain that usually accompanies it.

a dear new reader asked in the comments “what is the xbi?”

the xbi is the agency that i work for. its like the fbi and the cia had a baby but the baby carried a gun.

we steal from theives and give to the poor. whats left over we give to the cops who then run to the tv stations and say “we recovered $1 million and 75 guns!”

when infact $1.5 million was missing and 100 guns were gone.

i want to quit. i want to work with the cuban girl at her marketing company. i dont want to fight crime with crime any more. i dont want to fly around in chopper one any more. i want a creative job where i dont have to get stitched up twice a week or make people scared and piss their pants and vomit and


now the catch 22 is, if it werent for the xbi there would have been no busblog, which i created to get my head out of the nightmare of being an undercover superhero, but now that the snowball has begun rolling, i think it could adjust to a new way of earning my daily bread.

lost was awesome last night.

but not as awesome as #23 for the cubbies who hit the game winning home run in 1977 where the cubs beat the phillies 23-22.

at least thats how i remember it.

congrats ryno.

the comedian + betser + anti


king king
hollywood, ca

tsar is my favorite band.

last night was the first night that tsar did not feature their lovable bass player jeff solomon.

they had a new guy in there who won the right to audition with LAs best rock band.

how did he do? well i think he did ok, but theres no replacing a guy like solomon.

karisa and i chose last night to see if we could go to a club, a bar, a show and not drink booze. since we’re superheroes we succeeded but it wasnt the most enjoyable experiment.

especially without one of the nicest guys in the world, mr solomon, who retired from the group to take care of his infant son.

i was tempted to write him today and say, what sort of rock star are you? since when does responsibility figure into the formula of glam punk?

but i didnt because hes fixing danielles laptop for free.

king king is a big spacious new club on hollywood blvd. theres a bar right in the center of the dancefloor. why people put bars in the center of the dancefloor is beyond me. the classy Derby does this too. as raymi would say pfffftttt.

the opening band wasnt bad. their drummer was really good.

karisa and i stood up against the wall outside and talked. shes the only person i know who could lose weight over Christmas. bitch.

her legs and ass were swimming in her pants. i asked her to spin around for me and then i said wheres your ass? she said, its there, trust me, its there. but i couldnt see it so i told her she is no longer attractive to me.

she dropped me off and as soon as i got in the house i called her cell phone and said, well maybe youre still a little attractive, but when that booty comes back gimme a call.

and yes the new tsar drummer wore a football helmet the whole show.

and one day i will remember bro’s name.

karen and jeanine were there + i think im drinking with sk smith and dan tomorrow + and lunch with dirtyfez?