i know im faking it pretty good

but my heart is breaking.

my whole life all ive wanted was for the owners of the cubs to spend a little money to get some decent players for my favorite baseball team.

this week they’ve decided to spend $17 million to get rid of the greatest cub ever.

$17 million. thats like 4 presidential inaugural balls.

sammy sosa hit 35 home runs last year in his worst season in over a dozen years. many who want him out say that he had such a miserable season because his body was deteriorating from not doing steroids any more.

(sosa has been subject to accusations for steroid use, but has always tested clean.)

many of the naysayers point to yankee firstbasemen jason giambi who became a burden to new york since he didn’t play last year for the bronx bombers due to his admitted withdrawl from steroid use.

sammy played 75% of the season last year and hit 35 home runs.

jason played 50% of the season last year and hit 12 home runs.

only fools compare giambi to sosa.

the financial benefit for the cubs “unloading” his salary? a mere $1 to $7 mil depending on how you do the math. either way it’s not much when you consider that we’re talking about a guy who hit over 550 homers with the cubs, and can easily change a game in an instant.

but don’t try to make sense of any of this, this is the chicago cubs we’re talking about here.

sosa is being run out of chicago like he caught some sexually transmitted disease while cheating on his wife.

which is interesting because when magic johnson admitted to catching the worst sexually transmitted disease while cheating on his wife, the city of los angeles comforted him with open arms and gave him a tv talk show and the keys to any starbucks, tgifs, and fatburgers that he wanted to buy.

so what does it tell you when sports fans of tinsel town are more generous to their fallen sports heroes than the once-lovable patrons of the friendly confines.

sammy sosa came to the cubs as an excuse-me superstar from the crosstown rival chicago white sox.

although gm larry hines believed in the dominican outfielder so much that this was the second time that he had traded for him, cub fans held little or no hope for the skinny scorpio who spent half of his first season with the cubs on the injured list.

doubt him all you want, the next year, 1993, sosa slammed 33 homers and swiped 36 bases to become the first cub to ever make the 30-30 club.

his reward? he was allowed to be signed by the Boston Red Sox during the strike sea

son of 1994, but it was overruled by the commissioners office because it happened in the forrest as a tree fell and no one heard it.

he re-signed with the cubs after the strike and hit 36 homers and stole 34 bases.

in 96 he hit 40 homers in 124 games and some griped that he was hurt too much.

in 97 played every single game and people griped that he only hit 36 homers. only?

so in 1998 he broke roger maris’s long-standing single year home run record. sammy slammed 66 home runs and drove in a ridiculous 158 rbis. sadly, an admitted steroid abuser, mark mcguire, hit 5 more home runs than our hero and reaped some acclaim.

but the national league named sammy the mvp of the league that season, and the cubs got into the playoffs.

the next year sammy hit 63 homers. the first time anyone has ever had back to back 60+ homer seasons. unfortunately mcguire hit 65 that year and tied him for that record.

in 2000 he hit 50, and in 2001 he became the first and only player to ever hit over 60 home runs in three different seasons, he hit 64, brought home 160 ribbies.

no cub had ever done anything like that before. not just the numbers, but the hope.

in any game that the cubs were behind, if sammy was due up anytime before the cubs had run out of outs, they still had a chance.

by trading sammy sosa to the baltimore orioles for a banjo player and two magic beans, and by giving baltimore millions and millions of dollars, the cubs are acting just like every team we’ve always hated. we’re making it about tiny amounts of money and bullshit soap opera whine fest revolving around who hurt whose feelings and who wants to wah wah wah the loudest.

poor cub fans, sammy disrespected us by not wanting to be at the last game, not wanting to deal with the misery of losing in the first season where the chicago fucking cubs were “supposed” to win the world series ever in their history.

poor cub fans, shocked that the latin superstar might be a little emotional about the meaningless game, and the team that he was the captain of, and how a large part of their failure was due to his low batting average, and declining skills.

poor cubs, forced to make due with 35 homers and the most deadly #6 batter in baseball. forced to consider the “distraction” that sammy sosa would be to the clubhouse this year or spring training vibe next month. how would they ever cope with their newly-dubbed cancer?

watching the cubs drop sosa like a hot potato for the measliest little scraps from the baltimore oriole system because of the possible turmoil that he would allegedly bring to the locker room makes you wonder if the cubs learned one fucking thing from the boston redsox who had a little cancer named nomah in spring training and on the team for most of the season, along with two choirboys named pedro and manny.

the red sox won their first world championship in 86 years with two-and-a-half cancerous distractions.

maybe they bring good luck.

cub fans celebrating the unceremonious dismissal of their greatest baseball player are being looked at by the sports world as completely insane ungrateful pouters who deserve another 98 years of drought.

sammy didn’t make $10 mil a year until his 8th year with the cubs, the tenth year in the majors. his production and contribution has been a bargain to chicago, and he brought pride and a new way to describe baseball on the northside: exciting.

and im sorry but people weren’t paying $20 to sit on a bleacher in left field before sammy sosa came to town.

this is not the way chicago has ever treated one of its great sports heroes.

they treat their gangsters better than this.

hell, they treat jerry springer better than this.

sammy sosa hall of fame superstar plus $17 million for a bagfull of shit and a mistake to be named later.

they’ve done it year after year, but this is incredibly creative, yes, virginia, the cubs have found a new way to lose.

mo + brett lamb + super jux + franklin ave

ok well your hero got a date

with the 23 yr old born again christian virgin who hasnt kissed a boy since highschool.

apparently shes never been on a proper date in her whole life.

how does that happen?

and again, let me reiterate, the girl is hot.

nice clothes, good body, great hair, pretty eyes, great personality. no visible scars. if she told me that she hails from swedish royalty i would believe it.

oh yeah, she has the cutest little hint of a swedish accent.

99. usa flight insurance

what will we do? hmmm. she says even if we do nothing it will be fun.

im thinking korean bbq (something you definately dont get in scandinavia), followed by some rock n roll karaoke, followed by a lengthy battle of truth or dare.

let me give some tips for the fellas out there.

tip #1 if you want to go on a date with a fine young woman, tell her that its a date. say, hey wanna go on a date? odds are she’ll say yes. im 111 years old. ive asked a few girls out on dates. im no puff daddy but rarely will a chickie pass up a chance to do something other than the same old same old on a friday night. so tell her whats up and that way everythings on the table.

tip #2 dont expect shit from her. firstly she owes you nothing, even if you pay for everything. secondly you dont deserve anything, no matter how big your ego is. be happy that youre out on the town with a hottie, enjoy what you have, dont dwell on what you think you want. do everything right and you’ll get yours. someday. from someone.

tip #3 pay for everything, have several plans, have a few options, have a good attitude, have a clean house to crash at fully stocked with everything including a second set of clean pajamas (because naked virgins walking around your house are cute, but it’s winter, be a gentleman).

tip #4 make a few great mix cds, have some logs chopped for the fireplace, have some cold bottles of purified water chilling in the fridge, have a few good movies tivoed.

tip #5 if she reads your blog, freak her out with a totally inappopriate gaping void illustration on the top of your post.

she just emailed me asking, “so what are we doing? how does this all work?”

i said, we’re going to eat, drink, and be naked.

which is a lie.

i rarely take off my beanie.

maizzy + happy birthday steph from southbeach!!! + moxie

coachella 05

saturday april 30

weezer, coldplay, bauhaus, cocteau twins, chemical brothers, wilco, keane, snow patrol, rilo kiley, doves, sage francis, raveonettes, bloc party, fantomas, secret machines, spoon, buck 65, and others

sunday may 1

nine inch nails, new order, bright eyes, gang of four, prodigy, black star, the faint, roni size, the arcade fire, dj krush, dresden dolls, the fiery furnaces, tegan and sara, stereophonics, futureheads, sloan, and others.

tickets are $80 for a single day ticket or $150 for a 2 day pass

full coachella lineup + danielle + leah has a new layout

when i go to trial

i hope people dress up like me and hold up signs supporting my innocence. i will hope that there will be both the young tonys with the fro and the olde tonys with the bald heads.


stayed up till 3:30am last night cuz im a dope.

this weekend i rented a brand new red mustang convertible. my little brother was in town. the rentacar place totally had my $10/day rentacar in stock but the guy looked at my paperwork and said, tony pierce?

i said, yeah.

he said, dude i love the blog. let me see if i have something else for you.

i was all, oh thats real nice but im not even 100% sure that im gonna see my brother this weekend and i dont have a lot of money, but i appreciate the thought.

and he said, yeah but its the end of the day, end of the week, and these cars are just going to sit here if we dont get them off the lot, so let me make you a ridiculous offer on one of them.

i said, does my $10/day car have a cd player?

he said yes, and we walked over to the mustang.

it shined in the sunset. its top was already down.

he said, how does $25/day sound?

i said, it sounds ridiculous.

as i was signing the paperwork i said, does it have a cd player?

he said, it has a six disc cd player.

and i was gone.

thank you enterprise rentacar.

picked up my bro saturday afternoon. drove through the valley with the top down and the sun on us. it was windy but we didnt care. had the heater on and the donnas blasting.

i took him to see the clippers and the golden state warriors at staples. we tried to get good seats from the scalpers but even though it was only 1/2 full they didnt have any decent seats. so we sat in the upperdeck and laughed at the kids.

had a good time. i have a good bro.

afterwards we drove down hollywood blvd. like the kids used to do back in the day.

it took us 15 minutes to go two blocks. he asked, is that how traffic normally is around hollywood?

i said, i wouldnt know. aint no traffic on the subway.

and even though im glad i dont have to deal with traffic, it was pretty nice dealing with a convertible.

and if my ship ever comes in i might have to test drive one of those mini cooper convertibles.

afterwards i gave the 91 year old lady upstairs a belated christmas gift. an electric blanket.

she nearly died. she said, i wish i had something to give you in return.

all around her apartment are 100 year old originial oil paintings by her mom.

she said, would you like a book? i said, sure. i took dylan thomas’s collected works. she said, would you like some sunflower seeds? i said, na. she said, take em. i took em. she said, would you like an ensure. i was all, nah. she said, a coke? i said, ok.

forgetting that she was an old lady and it meant that i would be getting a diet caffeine free coke. but i didnt care, i just wanted to get back on my computer and waste my life clack clack clacking. which i suppose is better than wasting my life in traffic.

raspil overdrive + paige taught me about canadian centralism + but she didnt tell me about milk bags

raymis got rockstars wives

making fan signs for her.

and right now andy dick is on rodney on the roq.

rodney is the very shy, older, mop topped godfather of modern rock, and secret weapon of kroq 106.7 fm here in los angeles.

dj who discovered all the great bands that mattered: ramones, blondie, talking heads, gogos, depeche mode, smiths, duran duran, etc and played them for all the little boys and girls of la and the valley.

andy dick sounds high and drunk and gay but has a young woman over at his house. he called in to rodneys show and theyre reminicing about some of the times that they hung out.

rodney has a high voice and always sounds like hes asking a question.

he begins most of his statements with anyway.

anyway that was the 5,6,7,8’s, the spazzies, and surfer rosa. and andy dick is on with us…

andy talks about how many kids he has and how he thinks about celebs and their kids.

rodney tells us that tom waits has a pretty daughter.

andy says i have three kids. did you know that?

then he says, how many kids do you have rodney?

rodney laughs, none.

andy says, that you know of. That you know OF!

rodney says, no no.

andy says, havent you met a lot of girls?


and didnt you have sex with a lot of them?

rodney sounds verrry uncomfortable. which is his normal inflection, but now he sounds reaaaly verrrry uncomfortable.

he says, yes.

andy says, well did you always use a rubber or something?

rodney says, yes, i think its that im just very shy. you know.

which is funny because since the late 70s hes been teaching

the kids

what good music really is.

andy dick has three kids

rodney on the roq has millions.

all because he was shy,

but not too shy to get on the mic.

so get on the mic mike cuz you know you eat shellfish

omg goodbye + sigh club (pictured) + a dirty girl in a farmhouse