my maid came over today.

yes i have a maid. in hollywood its a requirement cuz they know guys like me can be pigs.

when i lost my job in may i also lost my girlfriend, so the plan this summer was to sit in my stench and smoke weed and beat off and not do shit until it started getting cold.

after i took a little trip to las vegas i quit smoking weed and i found myself new employment. best laid plans and all that.

so the other day when my friends came over to party with me i realized that i had a really funky apartment. not funky in a good way. funky in a did-i-really-not-do-my-dishes-for-three-months way.

today my maid took care of all that.

ive got a pretty good deal going with her. she used to work for the old lady upstairs for just above minimum wage. i told her id double that wage and tip her on top of it. so for $40 she does all the great things youd want a maid to do for you.

each time she comes over i usually have something extra that i ask her for.

this week there were two main issues. the first was the sink. i promised her that id soak the dishes before she came over. the second was the fridge. some raw meat bled all over the bottom of the fridge. i asked her to scrub that out real good.

for her troubles i gave her an extra twenty bones. so basically sixty bucks for what the old lady would have paid her $20 for. needless to say she loves me and does extra cool things for me.

no, not that, pervs. ive never met her. we do all our transactions by phone. sometimes she will have a pot of homemade soup for me, sometimes she will have a pie in the fridge cooling for my ass. today she put my duvet cover over my duvet, folded my shirts, and patched up my favorite pajama bottoms.

god i love her.

i feel clean all of a sudden. i feel like a man again. i feel like i can ask a girl to come over and i might even feel ok with her walking around my hardwood floors barefooted. how she accomplished some of this is beyond me because someone seemed to have entered my home last week and swiped my broom, and only my broom.

im watching high fidelity right now.

im about to open up john madden ’06.

im contemplating reviewing some porn that just arrived in the mail

but im so tired i might just see whats new with madden and call it a night.

im old, america. so old.

im so old if in a month my house is the same shape it was this morning and a hot babe said you can either give me sixty bucks for twenty minutes of hot action or you can give it to your maid id no question give it to my maid.

thats old.

and the cubs are coming back.

bored housewife + sleepless in sarasota + pics of tsar playing to huge crowds

is there anything worse than a coward?

a liar? perhaps. but not really. theres something basic and instinctual about lying. kids do it and for some reason the practice isnt as repulsive as straight up pussying out of something because youre a chickenshit.

ive built a pretty decent following with a blog that straight up says “nothing in here is true” and hardly anyone gives me a hard time for it, but if i backed down from a dare, or if i refused to answer certain questions, or if i weasled my way out of a mess that id created without answering to those who ive directly affected i doubt i would have the readers that i have now.

which brings us to the president of the united states and his neverending plunge into the depths of becoming the worst “leader” we’ve ever had.

not only is this “war” in iraq becoming officially fubar, but now he doesnt have the courage to meet with a woman, cindy sheehan, who is camped out infront of his ranch because he’s afraid that she’s going to ask him the tough questions that the liberal press wont ask.

the questions i believe would begin with wtf.

“wtf did my son die in iraq for?”

simple enough question for a simple enough man.

by trying to ignore her and not take her up on her request for a 20 minute sit-down, or even a lunch, bush is basically saying, “i can barely speak english, the last thing im going to do is try to bullshit you, so i’d rather hide out on my ranch and pretend to play cowboy with condi and all the other sellouts on my staff.”

this woman’s son was an altar boy, an eagle scout, an honor student, and then a marine. he’s now dead. she’s camping out in front of the presidents ranch to ask him “what honorable cause did my son die for?”

if the president wants to continue the current lie of “to help bring freedom to iraq” he can do that, but i think he pisses his pants worrying about what her follow up will be which is “saddam was caught over a year ago, and btw when we were first gearing up for iraq all you kept talking about were wmds, terrorism, and 9/11… you didnt really mention freeing any repressed people, you talked about how we’d be met with flowers and candies.”

odds are she might cry when she asks these questions, and seriously, who wants to handle tough questions with a crying mom when youre on a five week vacation

in the middle of a war

as gas prices are soaring

and your honesty ratings are sinking

and your party is splitting apart

and the only way you can get people into office is to sneak them in when congress is on their recess?

shit if i was a coward id hide out on my ranch too, with the ac on high.

and not talk to a woman.

and id sit and laugh as my neighbors fired shotgun shells over this grieving mom’s head, and id giggle as pick up trucks ran over the crosses laid down near her encampment, and id sneer as fred the beetle barnes calls her a crackpot and o’reilly talked shit about her, and id look at the clock and wait for my term to expire before i fucked up this country even more and helped kill even more innocents.

if i wasnt a coward id invite her personally to lunch on my ranch and id say your son died in americas best interests, he died protecting iraqis who might not even know how important this time in history is, he died doing the work that many dont have the guts to do, and although it might seem in vain right now, it isnt.

and i would do my best not only to let her put her misery and grief to rest, but i would do my best to show her a bigger picture which her son played an important role.

instead bush is going to squander this opportunity and turn it into a bad thing that only gets worse with each day. finally the peacenicks have a groundzero and a martyr to rally behind.

meanwhile the president looks like the coward that he’s always been. the one who wont talk with the naacp, who has held fewer press conferences than any other president, and now a weasle who cant even take a meeting with a woman who actually has a good reason to talk to him.

and hes going to continue to make his party look like the hypocritical blowhards that its looking more and more that they are.

because anyone who is still supporting this sort of activity and this sort of blantant apathy to the families of servicemen and women who are giving their lives for this administration’s beliefs – those supporters are just as bad as the leaders because they are enabling this type of weak spineless visionless clusterfuckery.

even cowboy fans boo their team when they continue to fumble.

to back this president and his current actions – specifically his cowardice with this woman – is exactly the type of sheep-like behavoir that helps create tyrants and tragedies. and contributes to abuses like we have yet to see.

a bullshit from the backrow is one thing, but one from the front row, especially when its needed, gets the train back on the track.

and if ever there was a time for the Right to call bullshit on this president, its right about now.

unless of course, you’re just as cowardly as he is. in which case, keep smiling and pretending its all good in the hood.

buchannan: the bottom is falling out of the support for the prez + daily show + meet with

ashley doesnt like it

when i talk about politics. shes not the only one.

she wrote in and said that if she took a picture of she and her sister in catholic girl skirts would i just shut up and write about her.

i said, bribery and flattery will get you everywhere.

she enclosed the following picture and told me that i am the sexiest man she’s ever known.

::sigh:: if only she loved me for my mind.

ashley is finishing up her summer vacation in las vegas this weekend. the family took a quick trip to sunny palm springs followed by a spur of the moment excursion to the happiest place on earth and then back to vegas for more heat. ashley loves it hot. i do too.

this weekend her daddy’s gonna buy her a car, which is going to be an interesting situation because that means that she will probably be making more trips up to see me than what has been the norm.

in my quest to help her find boys her own age, i have suggested that she really shouldnt be calling and emailing and hanging with me as much as she does but she just calls me stupid and tells me how much she misses me.

recently Hef emailed me and told me that he has the same troubles with his girfriends which is why he’s up to 6 of the blonde bombshells currently.

“gotta take the good with the bad,” he told me, “plod on the best that you can, dude.”

i like it when older guys say “dude.” it sounds so funny.

there is an old budhist line that goes: what you resist, persists.

this is the first time ive ever pushed a girl away who would have nothing of it.

i cant say it’s terrible.

whats also pretty neat is when people borrow from my style. recently ive seen annessa talk to her blog, kool keith interview several of his personalities simultaneously, as well as various others who take pics from reuters and write around them.

imitation pleases me.

pretty much my whole experience of blogging has been quite a happy little journey of suprising discoveries.

people write in and try to narc on others who are “biting” my style, but i think its fine. humans are animals who grow by mimicking. i dont wear my influences on my sleeve, i plaster them right across my chest: bukowski, e.e., sukenick, royko, layne, welch, vaine, jd salinger, spin, maxim, the man show, howard stern.

after a while ones own personality will come through.

maybe next week will be the week that mine will finally make it here.

lets hope it has been worth the wait.

flagrant + danielle needs a hug + leah + too beautiful