the viper room

cars only make you fat and give you the false sense of security that you can get across town faster than you can

which of course makes you late

so when the valet dude at red rock says that its gonna cost you $20 to park your $800 car, you say fine and you thank God that money grows on trees

however when the doorman of the famous rock club holds you up and makes you wait on the wrong side of the velvet ropes when there is no line you might wanna smack his bitch up.

but you’ll wait patiently cuz youre late and this is what happens to people who are late theyre at the mercy of immigrant valet dudes and short stupid suddenly powerful doormen who wont get to see the best band in LA because their job is to kick it at the curb and watch the beautiful people come in and out and have a great time

has tsar started, i asked him

not yet he said back, and i said a little prayer to the Lord and thanked him not only for letting me do what i did that made me late

but for letting me not miss my favorite band

so i stood there and rolled through my rolodex of insults that i wanted to unfurl on this fellow with a tuxedo jacket, mullet, and little tiny baby moustashe; but i held back because even though im the champ of on-the-spot insults, this dude has heard them all and i didnt pay $20 not to get into the viper room

and one of the things i wanted to say was, dont you know who i am, but his comeback would have been

a) no
b) dont you know where you are
c) famouser people have died where youre standing so shut up

and i felt better when two super hot chicks showed up and he made them stand behind me.

adn then the singer from the offspring showed up and he made him stand behind them

and then he checked my id and said anthony pierce? ever read tony pierce? to which i said fuck blogs which made the ladies giggle.

got in and told the cashier the magic word which was “destroyers” which meant i only had to pay her $10 to climb the stairs.

people ask me why i dont ask to be on tsar’s guest list and thats not how the santa barbara mafia rolls. pay for your shit. guest lists are for record exec scumbags and others who have tiny penises. at my advanced age i see very few rock shows, i dont mind laying out top dollar for bands that i know will deliver and tsar always comes through.

plus i hardly ever call the guys to even say hi, what cheapskate would i be if the only reason i called their manager was to take money out of their pocket?

earlier in the evening i watched the boys play on G4’s “attack of the show” which used to be called the “screen savers”. and if you remember, when i was on the show almost a year ago i wore my tsar tshirt (heres video of my appearance).

well yesterday tsar played two songs on national tv, “love explosion” and “startime”, and it was super freaky cuz the sound was sorta bizarre and it made it seem like they were on some european mtv show cuz the vocals were way up and the music was low and theres no audience so it was psycho.

plus i think love explosion is the worst song on the album and i seriously cant believe that theyre gonna make that the next single. theyve got five real rock songs on that record. glorious tunes. im not sure exactly why theyd pick love explosion other than to pander to the soft rock girls of the world but i think thats a terrible mistake thats certain to slow whatever momentum they have going.

startime, straight, wrong, and conqueror worm, all rock in a way that most bands would die for. to present love explosion to the world when you have those other tunes in your pocket is like leaving money on the table.

if youre capable of throwing 100 mph heat right down the middle why fuck around with the change up? especially when your changeup isnt all that spectacular.

i could understand if this was a ballad to end all ballads. or if it was a stairway to heaven that is intricate and weird and builds to this incredible guitar solo, but love explosion is a teenage fanclub/weezer/trl lalalala tune that shouldnt even be on the record if you ask me.

if you go to tsar’s myspace page you’ll see three songs that you can download. youve got the single band+girls+money, youve got straight, and youve got love explosion. and next to each track you have a number as to how many times people have played it.

bgm has been played/downloaded 13,237 times
straight has been played/downloaded 8540 times
and love explosion has been played/downloaded just 4526 times

that tells me that people go back to that site and listen to the two songs that they like and they do not re-play the song that they dont like.

the kids do not like love explosion. their number one fan does not like love explosion. i couldnt care less that the sex pistol’s guitar player played it. who knows why he played it. maybe hes 91273409871234 years old and cant listen to real rock any more because it makes him sad that he cant make that music any more.

but when you have an arsenal of rock up your sleeve you dont hold back, in my book, you go full steam ahead

just like they do in concert

just like they did last night on the sunset strip

you open with a bang, you sustain, you build you climax, and when things are in need of a change of pace you pull out love explosion but you end with the rockers

its tsar’s mission to bring back rock music back to rock radio.

the lord has been kind enough to channel that music through them in a way that no other band has been blessed lately

to get behind the mule when you have a buffalo is in my humble opinoin a gigantic mistake.

and i drank and i enjoyed the rock last night and even after the valet couldnt find my car and made me stand there in that lot as drunk sloppy rich kids squawked on their cell phones to their friends about which party they were going to go to next i wondered if i could be totally wrong about all of this and i hoped that i was because all i want is the best for my friends who happen to be in the best band in la.

and i noticed that they played an hour last night, which is longer than they normally do, and on monday i will have a video of their opening number so you too can experience the majesty that i was afforded, which noone can put a dollar amount on.

xtx + melting dolls + smelly + kitty bukkake

hi drugs and alcohol

you rang?

me? no.

oh, thought you did.

no, wrong tony.

youre the one who’s teenage princess doesnt want you any more, right?


wow, youre really in denial and youre not even drunk yet.

just trying to stay positive.

haha. yeah, good luck on that one.

its not easy. but im a libra. we bounce back pretty fast.

let me ask you this, what would your hero do?

Jesus? probably pray. then do the math, that theres 3 million people in LA, half are women, half are the right age, half of them are hot. half of them are available.

so like 125,000 single hot babes in LA?

not counting orange county.

yeah, you probably shouldnt count that county, since now theres one more available babe there.

are you trying to make me depressed?

who, us? depressants? what about your other hero, charles bukowski, what would he do?


he would, wouldnt he?

then maybe go to a three dolla ho.

didnt he always seem happy?

in a drunken bum loser homeless man way, yes.

and isnt there a lesson there for you?

yeah, kill yr idols.

she doesnt want you anymore.

most girls dont.

she’d rather get sloppy with a teenboy.

finally she listened to me.

theres no hot chicks in LA who want you.


you tell me, when was the last time you got any?

this weekend.


i shit you not.

a fluke, im sure.

arent they all?

dont you want some rum?

yes, please.

dont you want some sticky green bud?


how about some x?

no fun doing x without someone you can kiss.

how about some pain killers?

they make me dizzy.

how about a nice cold frosty one at a strip bar?

i have to save up for aruba.

taking a hot chick?

i was gonna suprise ashley.

nuh huh.


god, that sucks.


so what are you gonna do?

im gonna ask this sweet girl at work for her number.

but youre having terrible luck, she wont give it to you.

50-50 chance.

how do you figure?

she’ll either say yes or no.

no, she might not like guys, she might not like black guys, she might not like you, she might be taken, she might have aids, she might like guys with cars, she might…

50-50 chance. plus she smiles at me in the halls. 75% chance.

if she says no wont you be crushed?

listen, nothing is worse than someone who really really really knows you rejecting you. if someone who doesnt know you rejects you, theyre just rejecting the outside part, the facade, my facade isnt all that impressive.

well, we’ll be here if things dont work out.

thanks, drugs and alcohol. you do smell good. what is that?


i love armeretto.

and humbolt purple haired chronic.

wow, you must be expensive.

didnt you say yesterday you found $60 in a book?


thats how much a bag costs.

when did you get so expensive?

you call that expensive, that’s like a month’s worth. $60 is like a couple round of drinks at a bar.

and no hangover.

and you must want to smoke something since you are kicking the habit and all.

trading one addiction for another, nah, no thanks.

you really are a boring ass midwestern christian boy, arent you?

i guess so. never thought of that.

ok, well good luck with the sweet nice girl.

thanks devil water and narcotics!

we love you, by the way.

you do?

yes, very very very very much.

youre so sweet.

yeah. k, bye.

dc + stolen swan + zulieka has bad dreams too