The L Word

starring jennifer beals, mia kirshner, karina lombard, and pam grier
showtime, sunday nights

fuck this fucking show.

revolutionary? hardly. terrible tv shows have been on the air for years.

heres what the producers were given: hot young lesbians who like to have sex, a cable network that can show nudity, a public who is ready for a show that revolves around lesbians, and a public who has warmly embraced strong female sexuality in sex in the city as well as gays in will & grace and queer eye for the straight guy.

the bases are loaded, now bring that shit home.

unfortunately instead of blowing the lid off my tv, they deliver me a topless after-school special.

the biggest problem with the L Word is it’s too adult, too meloncholy, too safe, too serious, too dull.

as exciting as thirtysomething, as dramatic as peeling potatoes, and as sexy as willard scott, The L Word sure shows tons of sex and lets us in on sex talk and we see hot chicks and steamy situations, but alas its as cold as an overnight with martha stewart.

i watched this thing twice today and the best i can figure their first priority was to keep it so dry in the pursuit of “credibility” that Joe Sixpack Fratboy Maxium Reader would be bored immediately.

mission accomplished.

so then why all the “lipstick”?

The L Word is as representative to lesbians as Cosby was to african americans. all the chicks are hot, all the guys are hot, all the sex is bland, all the conversations are about either lesbianism or sex or cosmo or getting pregnant or lesbianism or sperm or lesbianism.

meanwhile theres hardly any music playing anywhere, theres very little background noise, or atmosphere.

only showtime, who has a long history of making sex dull and disposable, could make the first lesbian tv series so unwatchable that im not sure i will tune in next week to see the (still) extremely sexy beals go down on her partner again.

besides the lifeless dialogue, the tone is depressingly somber.

did these lesbians get a hold of that type of weed that just knocks your ass out? they act as if theyre all getting root canals in the morning. they act as if they ran a marathon yesterday and they’re still recovering.

the sole “straight” couple have such uninspired sex that you wonder if both of them arent gay. their sex is so unsexy that you could balance one of the glasses of merlot they’re constantly draining on a pillow on their bed and it wouldnt tip over.

if i had a daughter and i wanted her not to be a lesbian, i would show her this tv program and tell her that all lesbians are this lethargic and emotionless and tired. and washed. and santa monican.

if the queer eye boys bounced into the L Word these women would have a damn heart attack. are they lesbo librarians in training? are they auditioning for npr shows? can they just sit back and have a laugh without it leading to sex or having to do with sex? just one laugh?

sex in the city may have been ridiculous and worthless and written by gay men for straight women, but at least it tried to keep things somewhat light and didnt completely take itself seriously at every turn. women i know who like the show totally Want to be one or more of those women on tv.

i cant imagine anyone wanting to be any of these sad fakers who seem only concerned with one thing:

boring the hell out of anyone who wanted to learn about this usually interesting world.

congratulations, we’re bored.

a far more interesting lesbian story about “bois” in new york + after ellen is more forgiving

dear gay people and youngsters,

drew barrymore isnt fat.

shes just not 21 any more.

shes just not a skeltor like nichole riche or paris or lindsay or micha.

i saw what you did with kelly clarkson

and i see what youre trying to do with mariah –

who isnt fat either.

pretty much everyone who you idolize is an anorexic freak, who strangely enough are also all crazy.

what do you think drove mariah crazy in the first place?

do you really think its a coincidence that once she chilled out about her weight she stopped being crazy and returned to her familiar spot on the top of the charts?

have you heard about her freaking out lately? no.

seen drew freak out lately either? no. all i ever see her do is walk around making out with her boyfriend, the scruffy drummer from the strokes.

if drew wants to wear a granny dress with no bra to the golden globes – fine.

drew has been going to the globes since e.t., so yes i wouldnt be surprised if she considered it semi-formal.

so yeah sorry, shes not 18 anymore, coked up and skinny,

she doesnt look like your boy natalie portman

shes not sticking out her titties like the panty girl from lost in translation which only gets you felt up by gay guys, fyi

she didnt get a bunch of work done like the desperate housewives.

shes not hunched over and dressing like bag ladies like the olsen twins.

shes keeping it real and honoring her grandma,


as you get older the chicks start getting older too

or so ive been told

and let me tell you something about getting older

things change.

like sometimes you dont give a shit about wearing couture or even underwear for that matter.

and believe it or not but you actually start appreciating certain things like what bukowski once described: the shape of a well-turned leg.

i thought you people said you liked bukowski.

charles bukowski never fucked any sickly girls.



drew barrymore in buzznet + the drewseum + drew with ashley last month