dear britney spears,

hi baby.

i know you read the busblog because it seems like everyone reads the busblog these days, so hi.

do you know mike tyson?

what about michael jackson? i know you danced with him that one time at that awards show and it was creepy but do you know him?

i dont but i wish i did.

for if i did i would work out a deal with him that for a very low salary i would shack up in neverland right next to his bedroom and i would be his bro. meaning i would set lil ground rules so that he would never have any problems again.

for example i love kids you love kids and mike loves kids but i would set a ground rule that no kids get to enter his bedroom unless their parents are there and there are at least two cameras.

the king of pop might not like that rule but thats what bros do, they tell their bros when theyre entering dangerous areas. theyre real with them. they give them tough love when its time for tough love and they give them sweet love when… ok they dont give them sweet love but theyre mellow with them when its ok to be mellow.

now michael might not like me keeping it real with him all the time and he might be tempted to fight with me or fire me but i would remind him that the only only only reason that i was coming across the way i was wasnt to make money off him but to protect him and make his dreams come true. in his case, the dream to stay out of the pokey.

if i had been mike tysons bro i would have told him things like train hard, quit buying tigers, stay away from don king, and quit talking to anyone with a microphone.

he probably would have wanted to punch me a few times but im sorta tough, i can take a punch. and i would have a tazer on my person at all time and id shock iron mike when he was winding up. gotta be quick around the champ.

which isnt that hard nowadays.

now theres you britney.

if i had been your bro back in the day i would have made sure that you had some shoes so you wouldnt have had to walk into those bathrooms barefoot, i would have made sure that kfed woulda had a condom, i would have made sure that you would have gone to a real hairdresser instead of supercuts when you got that mommy bob when you were knocked up and about to pose for vanity fair.

but baby, yesterday i would have never ever


let you drive your suv with little baby Sean on your lap. and you coulda fired me you could have slapped me you could have sicced your bodyguard on me but hes a bro too and i would have said brotha im just doing my job and he wouldnt have sat there in the passengers seat and let you do what you did when you did what you did.

and you woulda thanked me.

wanna know why you dont see certain stars make these sort of mistakes in life? major blunders. fucked up shit that isnt cute isnt scandalous but seriously dangerous to innocent people or in this case babies? its because theyve set it up so that they have someone to bro them and snap them back into reality when their husband isnt around and their bodygaurds are letting miss daisy do the driving while blonde.

now i already have job brit, but you need someone with the skillz that ive got. and maybe the buzznet boys will let me work remotely if you throw a few sheckles into their tip jar. but the people around you arent giving you the honest feedback that you deserve and i know its hard to be the bearer of uncomfortable news but sometimes it just has to be said.

and if i was your bro id make a groundrule that says you can never drive your pimped ride for a while. there are far worse things than being surrounded by the paparazzi as your precious angel waits for the airbags to release.

you need a driver, but moreso you need a bro.

i’ll bro that ass.

nancy + erin + jessica + welch

the month of february is supposed to be good for libras

but asstrologys for asstros. and im not sure if this is a bad month or a good one yet because for every really good thing thats happened in the last week something super bizarre has happened.

have you ever been on a few hits of acid and you look at the mirror one minute and you look like the coolest dude ever and the next minute you look at it again and you look like george castanza. and then you realize there are no mirrors in your house and then you realize youre not even in your house?

ive got peoples boyfriends reading this shit and thinking that everything in here is true ive got peoples not boyfriends reading this and thinking that im not the greatest writer in the hollywood hills. ive got peoples agents writing me and offerring me screenplay deals ive got lawyers calling me trying to drop cases ive got lawyers calling me telling me not to let things drop. ive rats to the left of me, bedbugs uptown … shedoobe shattered shattered.

im sitting in my suv on the side of the road on sunset blvd in my little safe place where i go with the ibook when my internet goes down or my computer crashes. my buddy told me that to play it safe i should actually buy windows xp and let him install it tonight. so we’re going to do what we always do which is i back up all of my shit and take my box to his house in atwater and put my computer on his porch and wait for him to work his magic.

we never see each other and i think he likes it that way. its how i work with my maid. im embarrassed with my mess and she gives me my privacy and bakes me a pie so my house will smell good when i come home from the nine to five.

id like to sorta just stay at home lay in bed and work from under the covers but for the next month and a half i’ll be going to amsterdam and then austin doing the exact opposite from hiding and waiting out the freakiness of the world.

and someone was asking on their blog what you should do when you have writers block and this is what you do: when the shit is coming down and when life is bizarre you write it down as it happens. you live blog it. you dont hit publish. you dont post it on your real blog, you dont even put it on your secret blog. you take notes and you write it in word and in november you release it as a book. a secret book. and you watch the bales of cash dump down on you and you read the letters from your readers telling you that youre the man.

and when you get writers block you dont write because you did your writing when it was time to write and you meet totally new girls when you cant write. and when i go to amsterdam and when i go to austin i will be meeting totally new girls and hopefully before and after those events i will meet even newer ones.

heres the problem with new girls though. sorta the same problem with old ones. sometimes it doesnt click. sometimes its all smiles and nodding but when she invites you to the dance floor she wants to do the robot when you wanna poplock. i think thats why the good lord put millions and millions of girls here – so that you can just inhale exhale and dance with a new one tomorrow.

the sun will come up tomorrow annie. you realize that right. today in la it was super warm and i think i know why. cuz the sun needed to get right up close into my shit because even he couldnt believe it.

tomorrow is the grammys and heres the only thing that i wanna see happen. i wanna see john legend beat fall out boy for best new artist.

and tonight im going to eat so much icecream im gonna puke in the bubble bath.

exclusive interview with raymi le minx

dumbass tony says: whats this i hear about you marrying fil?

raymi says: what where di u hear that

dumbass tony says: my comments

raymi says: are you interviewing me, interview me
raymi says: who said that

dumbass tony says: ahahaha
dumbass tony says: i cnat remember
dumbass tony says: is it true?
dumbass tony says: is it??

raymi says: well its not true, fil does not believe in marriage
raymi says: not unless it is for tax purposes
raymi says: or i become a millionaire

dumbass tony says: im with him
dumbass tony says: are you guys very affectionate?

raymi says: i want to get married though, i want that fuckin rock
raymi says: yes we can be

dumbass tony says: do you tell each other you love each other ?

raymi says: it depends if i or he is being moody
raymi says: yes every nite and every morning

dumbass tony says: not during the day?

raymi says: well he is at work durin gthe day and i am here but he sends me cute emails about me being a cherry blossom and having pretty smelling hair and stuff

dumbass tony says: awwwwwwwww

raymi says: i know

dumbass tony says: do you guys hold hands at the movies?

raymi says: no
raymi says: i lean over and try to talk to him and he gets mad
raymi says: we hold hands when we are walking tho but usually it’s him trying to get me to walk faster like, dragging me along

dumbass tony says: if a cute girl walks by as you two are strolling and he checks her out do you punch him in the arm?

raymi says: he doesnt check her out but i get it in my head that he did and then i argue with him abou tit for 5 minutes

dumbass tony says: youre a jealous girl?

raymi says: yes
raymi says: when a hot guy walks by i look at fil to see if he notices me notcing the hot gut but he acts like he doesnt notice so then there is no point in checking out the guy and fil is usually hotter than the other guy anyway
raymi says: corretc my grammar if u are using this please

dumbass tony says: never

raymi says: ungh

dumbass tony says: is he the jealous type too?

raymi says: yes
raymi says: but he’s better at masking it and sometimes he gets jealous just to cause drama like as entertainment

dumbass tony says: matt and jenny good were in TO – were they there to see you two?

raymi says: no matt was there for the cbc celebirty politcal debate thing

dumbass tony says: ahhhhhh
dumbass tony says: your pics with jen are awesome

raymi says: yeah

dumbass tony says: and your vids

raymi says: yes we have lots of fun

dumbass tony says: you will dominate the world very soon, fyi

raymi says: ha i was just being emo yesterday cos i guess it had been awhile, i got it in my head that i wasnt going to drink and then i got in a super super super bad mood over it

dumbass tony says: were you pooping and listening to that Life Aquatic soundtrack?
dumbass tony says: or vomiting?

raymi says: pooping

dumbass tony says: i had sex to that soundtrack not too long ago

raymi says: ew

dumbass tony says: needless to say i loved it before but i love it more now
dumbass tony says: you dont have sex with music playing?

raymi says: no
raymi says: the tv is usually on

dumbass tony says: even at night?

raymi says: we use to have porn on when we had VOD but now it’s like those 1 800 sex chat commercials or the discovery channel or muchmusic
raymi says: sometimes video games

dumbass tony says: but fil loves music
dumbass tony says: why dont you let him rock the tunes?

raymi says: cos i start giggling
raymi says: and get distracted

dumbass tony says: thats what the restraints are for
dumbass tony says: tell me about the big gay blogger party that you had with paige
dumbass tony says: is it true that shes secretly in love with me?

raymi says: paige is super cute and hot and i was really nervous when she showed up to our condo
raymi says: so i got drunk and twiddled with my hair and gave her a felt thing that i has just made
raymi says: tony isnt everyone in love with you?

dumbass tony says: sadly NO

raymi says: aw

dumbass tony says: this girl gave me her # the other day, i called her and left a message and she has yet to return my message WTF!

raymi says: get over it

dumbass tony says: done

raymi says: tony you need to focus on yourself not the muff

dumbass tony says: the girls here have no muff

raymi says: well thats cos theyre tacky
raymi says: u know what i mean

dumbass tony says: back to paige
dumbass tony says: is she fun?

raymi says: you need to go on a spiritual journey
raymi says: yes she is she was super loaded and flirts mercilessly

dumbass tony says: hmmmmm

raymi says: hmm what

dumbass tony says: im deciding if shes my type
dumbass tony says: who else was there that was cool?

raymi says: samir deadly unicorn rock n roll nigger radnum drawings carrie butterfly karma lewd angel
raymi says: lots
raymi says: great turn out

dumbass tony says: whats this i hear that you went crazy about the cats cradle the other night

raymi says: i didnt go crazy

dumbass tony says: so fils a liar?
dumbass tony says: somehow i doubt he is

raymi says: well i didnt go crazy for it i got excited over it

dumbass tony says: ah – welll i guess this interview is over since i have to eat supper now
dumbass tony says: but will you please keep sending me those cool vids?
dumbass tony says: theyre awesome, seriously
dumbass tony says: i want to help make you THE authority of videos
dumbass tony says: like roger ebert of movies but more powerful
dumbass tony says: im not kidding around

raymi says: nice i like this idea

dumbass tony says: its gotta be approved by raymi or its shit

raymi says: haha
raymi says: sweet
raymi says: i am a tough critic

dumbass tony says: i want people to say “yeah thats a good video. lets send it to raymi and see what she thinks.”
dumbass tony says: give my love to TO!!
dumbass tony says: tell paige and her roommates to send me more nudes
dumbass tony says: and krista oceanaria too

raymi says: they send u nudes!?

dumbass tony says: ahahah no jk
raymi says: aw

dumbass tony says: maybe you can influence them to let go of their fears

raymi says: i hope

dumbass tony says: bye baby

raymi says: ciao foolio

raymi + raymi on buzznet + fil