dear hot chick who’s ignoring me,

you really need to stop ignoring me.

like don knotts im a zillion years old and i dont have that many dance moves left in me but the ones ive got are far better than what i know youre holding out for and you might ask how i know and trust me, i know.

ive been around the block a few times baby and the last time i was around the block you were there and if memory serves you were the one who was all shit its tony pierce and correct me if im wrong but i lived up to the hype.

im not going to be around forever and im not going to be sending you emails every 7-10 days and im not going to write blog posts all the time to your ass and im not going to sit here and watch the wheels go round and round waiting for you to realize that your boy is humming good charlotte and im whispering the ghost in you, and if you think im gonna do this forever you need to get it that angels


like rain.

miss amsterdam was an angel, just a girl is an angel, miss amsterdams roommate is a devil and thats fun sometimes and the worst thing a boy can do is say hes not too proud to beg and the second worst thing is to look like hes beggin. i aint beggin. im looking at this situation and im trying to make the best of it. in a past life i was a doctor in the xbi. and sometimes if a bullet hits a superagent and he walks around with it like a stud and it gets infected what you have to do is cut the crap around it, clean the wound and allow nature to run its course.

ignoring me is fighting nature and fighting nature is pretending that theres nothing eating away in you, pretending that theres nothing unclean in you, faking that there isnt a better way other than the same old same old.

i wrote you an email and you didnt respond and i hate that. we had a beautiful time at boardwalk in venice beach and you know it. i promised not to take pictures or write about it so your brother wouldnt find out and if this is how you repay a man who’s lived up to his side of the bargain, well, thats not really acting like the angel i know you can be.

im getting bored even thinking about it.

write me back or return my hat cuz i know you have it.

don knotts is dead

and he never got to see the cubs win the world series. don knotts is dead and he never got to see ac/dc play for the president of the united states. don knotts is dead and he never got to see Tsar get a grammy.

bono is singing bullet the blue sky and i wonder if don knotts ever saw U2.

i saw don knotts get out of a limo at the gas station i worked at 19 years ago and he looked old as fuck then. with him was former playboy playmate barbie benton and she was falling out of her dress and i was very curious if she was falling out of it because of don knotts or because she had a loose fitting dress.

either way when he climbed out of the limo and asked if our bathrooms were open i said yes even though i had just given them a nice sweep and a mop so they could be closed.

then i worried that he would slip and die and it would be all my fault but he was floating on air riding around in a limo with barbie benton so he didnt die till 19 years later.

when i was a kid we didnt have this fancy cable tv that you people have. we got whatever stations came in clear thanks to whatever antennae we had attatched. if you were at your grandmas house you were lucky if she even had an antennae so odds were if you were at her house over the holidays or stuck at some cousins house or some friend of your mom’s you were bound to watch a heaping helping of some beverly hillbillies and or the andy griffith show.

in many ways those were simpler times, however in more ways those were times that made you want to stick your head into an oven. i firmly believe that silvia plath would be around today if they had the internet around back then. and better crazy pills.

instead all they had were a handful of tv stations, far too many black and white shows, and no music videos. people who say television bores them get a nice stomp on the foot if they say it to me.

so don knotts, dude who made threes company funnier than expected, dude who wasnt allowed to carry a loaded weapon when he was the deputy in mayberry because he had accidentally shot himself in the leg, dude who was a very convincing fish

dude we will miss you and im glad you didnt split your head open at my gasstation back in the 80s when you were showing us all how its done.

i always say goodbye to my hotel room

even if i barfed in it, even if i sexxed in it, even if didnt do anything but take a load off and watched tv in it.

every room has a personality and a quirk and even though right now its sharing new memories with its new guest, i hope it remembers some of the things that i brought to it while i stayed there.

sometimes when i travel i want to travel forever. the success of walking around a large semi circle and then back to the hotel brings a cocky confidence that makes me believe i could do this anywhere. but then trying to say a square’s name to the tram conductor brings me right back to earth as i remember that i can barely speak english, im no world traveller.

and then i pop out of the LAX baggage claim and im hit with the mild temperatures of the city of angels and i drive my car and i wonder who has turned the heat up but the heat isnt on, im wearing a flannel and a jacket and then i remember im not in europe any more, im back in lala land where a man only needs one or the other in the winter, a jacket or a flannel, but not both.

and then i take that first long shower. hot shower. hot shower with a mix cd spinning for a girl who doesnt even wanna think about you. and i think about all the dead ends in this town and i wonder why i just dont try to figure out a way to just keep on moving and traveling and writing and taking some pictures. there are far worse people who get paid for that sort of thing.

and then i turn on my tivo and i say im so comfortable here, how can i leave. and the phone rings and the door bells and the emails pour in, and people know im back and its nice. its really nice. its like they noticed i wasnt here. its like they could tell that my third favorite city was handed to me on a silver platter and i ate it all up and licked the thing clean.

people took pictures of me in compromising positions. people wrote blog posts about how nice it was to meet me. people wrote emails with even more private photos and even though the detroit free press thinks that blogs have reached their peak lemme tell you something, i just got treated like a fucking rockstar because of blogging and im talking about more than just an airplane trip and a room, and my alexa number isnt worth shit, as if alexa means shit.

if andy warhol had been around during blogging he would have upped his number regarding fame by at least a half hour because you dont ever have to get on tv to have people laugh at your dumb jokes and thats not really the definition of fame but its what we’ll work with right now because my jokes are not always funny but on the road everyone laughs.

and the girls on the road are always better than you dream about. paige wrote last week that she thinks about sex when shes bored and when i was in college i never thought id meet miss amsterdam let alone touch her. and i never thought any black girls would get on an hour long train ride to meet me, let alone a young man who looks like tom cruise’s brother.

a dude wrote me from england saying that he was going to spend the night across channel so he could meet me and i told him to save his money, that i wasnt worth it. but people dont leave disappointed.

it sorta makes me wish id barfed on a boat for them so they could have had something to tell their friends about.

but dont worry pallies. tony pierce will be back in your town again. and he will try to kiss as many pretty girls as you throw in front of him. and he will drink down all your beers and dance at your bad music. but please dont take offense if he dont smoke your weed mixed with xyz. which doesnt mean he might not get sick next to your canal. it just might be at 3am instead of 2am.

i dont understand this life that i have. it isnt bad. its very weird. its like after years of saying, why is that asshole able to go off and do that instead of me, suddenly im the asshole. which is why i never forget how it used to be, which is why i try so much harder to earn whatever this is that im getting.

bad cops in FLA + so sweet it made me weep + me and JaG’s chest