heres the problem with valentines day

and it happens every year and it sucks. i havent had a girlfriend in years and a certain former tennis star knows this so she will write me like once a month and think that ive got the hots for her and im holding out for her and on february thirteenth she can just call me up and fly into LAX and i will be waiting there with a boombox over my head in the rain and we will make love in the dirt and in the morn i will cook her valentines day breakfast and f her valentines day stylie and do things to her that black men dont do and white boyband boyfriends only do to her on valentines day.

yes anna kournikova im talking to you.

and some years i dont have a girlfriend, proper, but there will be someone who im dating semi regularilly or someone who im dating super regularilly but she doesnt care she makes this the time of year when she checks in to LA and calls her LA boy and for years that boy has been moi.

whats different about this year and people or us weekly or jet or whatever is gonna tell you that anna and her dude are kaput and what kills me is she thinks i dont know she thinks im not down but im down i know things ive got my ear to the train tracks and hell im the community manager of the coolest photo sharing community this side of isla vista – i know the four eleven.

so heres the deal miss russianista, leo tolstoys wettest dream, you dont get to call me on the thirteenth like im just sitting here on my hands waiting for you like im some ken doll in your barbie dreamhouse collecting dust waiting for you to throw me in the passenger side of your pink vette. and youre not going to call me on the twelfth neither, youre going to email me and say that you miss me and you want to act like grownups and not like idiots not like everyone else not like the fakers in melrose place but like two people who like each other who are sick of games who are sick of poses and stances and hiding behind manmade walls and lobbing grenades of nontrusting bullshit at each other.

i will give you twenty four hours to email me and the longer you wait the less im going like it and that means the less cool im gonna be on vday and i’ll tell you another thing, if by this time tomorrow i dont have an email from you im gonna pick an LA girl to wine n dine and you know i know how to do both of those things classy like. i know this town upside and down and i know my way around the curve of the back and if you think you can just fly into the city of angels like its yr town yr nuts cuz its my town yrs is moscow or miami land of coldfronts and cooties and you can have it.

so there you have it.

and when you write me stick to what youre good at, talking about what clothes youre gonna wear.

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dear muslim extremists rioting in the streets

because of some cartoons,

hi. my name is jim lampley. you might have seen me hosting the olympics last night.

i am the second most annoying broadcaster in business which is funny because i always get booked for huge events like heavyweight boxing championships, and things like, well, the olympics.

clearly i have photos of every network sports executive with little boys because i dont know one person whose ever said, “you know what tv needs? more lampley.”

the only person more annoying than me is the little midget pictured, mr bob costas who obviously has even more photos of every network sports executive with little boys because he gets to do the world series, the olympics, basketball, and even the weekly football roundtable show on hbo.

the reason im writing you, muslim extremists, is because i cant hold on to this secret any longer and i figured the best way to reach you is through tony’s blog because, well, blogging is everything nowadays, right?

ok well heres the secret

bob costas is really the artist behind those cartoons that you’re upset about.

there. i said it.

yes the danish news organization ran the cartoons but only because they were the only ones who were starstruck by the diminuitive amateur illustrator.

i dont think theyre that good. and clearly you think theyre awful. but i cant sit here in torino italy and watch you burn up the danish embassy while knowing that they had very little to do with them.

theyre the work of bob costas, who by the way cackles every night when he sees how far off track you are in your revenge.

he cackles and holds his sides.

he cackles and slaps the bedspread of his hotel room.

which sometimes wakes me since we are doubling up on this trip.

say what you will about his broadcasting ability, but hes very good at spooning and he doesnt snore very loudly.

so there you have it muslim extremists. ive done my job as a fellow human being and as a reporter. the man you want to hang and burn and stone and shake your fist at is the host of the XX winter olympics, the man who makes you turn down the sound while you watch the opening ceremonies, mr bob costas.

me, i wash my hands to all of it because youre as nuts as he is short and i think you’ll both burn in hell.

see you in the funny papers,

jim lampley

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