well tick tock it dont stop

ive told you day after day that every day this month has just been weirder and stranger and worse and better than the next. sometimes in the same hour. sometimes in the same moment.

sex cant cure it but i had some good sex this month. money cant fix things but ive been rich and poor within the same week. only faith can guide you only the Lord can save you.

wait, they dont love you like i love you.

and here it is valentines day, what should be a happy day, what should be a day that a libra man on the scorpio cusp should have five six ladies waiting around the block with candy boxes and pink champagne waiting to see who’ll get picked and be your american idol.

unsom wants to know about the legal proceeding. i just got off the phone with my attorney and she told me that the case has been officially dropped.

long story short my landlord wanted to try to figure out a way to kick me out of my apartment but he picked the lamest thing: he picked my satelite dish which is on my porch.

not only that but he chose to serve me my three day notice while i was on christmas vacation. like a punk.

he knew that was the right time to do it because i had paid my rent two weeks early because i didnt know if i would be back on the first and i wanted to be a good tenant.

so even though that dish has been on that porch since before he even bought the place he thought that a jury would side with him that somehow i had broken the lease and he could kick me out and charge double for this stylin bachelor pad.

so i unloaded two g’s for the best non-entertainmet lawyer in santa monica to tell him that it wasnt a fire hazzard, it wasnt a nuisance, and here were pictures of that dish there in 2001, 2002, 2003 and a year ago. infact heres a letter you wrote tony in 2003 asking him to move his dish then to which he promptly called you and said wtf that things been there since day one.

oh and heres the directv bills since 2001 showing uninterrupted service and if youre going to say that it used to be somewhere else, then its on you to tell us why on earth he would have it somewhere else only to move it to the porch where it only looks ugly and is inconvienent for chinese food and hotties who want to guess the secret knock for entrance in the middle of the night?

when his lawyer got all that info he advised his client to drop the case because not only would he lose but he’d have to pay the court case and my lawyer.

my landlord has taken several of my neighbors to court over the years and usually lost. in fact the only case he won was in kicking out a woman because she had a few more dogs in her pad than legal and im sure hes super proud about that one – kicking out a woman because she couldnt or wouldnt find a place to unload her adult dogs that people generally dont want.

because of his history i never thought that he would drop the case so i thought by this time i would have won the case and got my two grand back, but sadly he merely dropped it so i get no financial retrobution.

which is part of the bizarre good news bad news of this month. good news you win bad news now youre broke. for a little while. right before you go to holland and right before you head to austin.

i know im being tested. i know it because although this should be the most drama in my life its merely the tip of the deadly iceberg and not only is the titanic capable of sinking but mighty casey might strike out.

and i cant believe that not only has anna suddenly canceled on me, but i dont think i have a back up since everyone and their sister reads the busblog and at this point already has a date or has resigned themselves to forgetting about valentines day.

and im hungry, and im thirsty, and its seventy degrees outside but sometimes im cold but no i dont have a cold. im just very confused and i feel like people are dissing me even though i put out 100% for them. it’s not a good feeling. didnt i just have a great feeling like days ago? didnt i drive around with the windows down in the middle of the night thinking ok everythings perfect now.

didnt i take the longest shower from the newest showerhead and listen to my greatest shower mix cd and think just focus on blogging where you are ok, just focus on that and nobody can touch you.

but people can touch you no matter where you are.

its fuck n run

even when i was seventeen

fuck and run

… janie said when she was five years old

there was nothing happening at all

do you know that the old man who was shot by the vice president just had a heart attack?

on valentines day.

shot thru the heart and youre to blame

thats me on the bottom row third from the left

some of the girls ive loved before

pantasaurus rex

aka the pants

aka hot chick in tacoma aka karaoke girl with blue eyes and pale skin and everything

who asked if i could pull over while i was driving

so she could unload some of those rums wed been drinking

and i held her hair

or was it her skirt

yeah her, she wants me to write a poem for her today

on valentines day.

and how can you write something so special for a special girl

one who has replacements cds and coasters and green walls

and unusual angles in her ceiling and

the same exact ipod clock radio that i have

and the absolute exact same feeling about rock music that i do

which is loud fast topless hard harder endless

but baby im no good at writing love poems for college girls


or lust poems or list poems or last poems or lick poems

im an old man in a closet typing on a keyboard held up by angels disguised as virgins

what do i know about generation y and your facebook ways

from what i read on the wire you kids consider bjs handshakes and i can get behind that but rarely do i fall in love with someone after they give me a handshake im a man from a different time

long legs thatve never been tanned

blue eyes and red lisptick and if youre lucky enough to get close to her hair when she leans over to hear what youre saying in the loud club you can get a whiff of her hair dye and you’ll almost die cuz youre that old.

so old the earth doesnt bother spinning when you start drinking because it knows thats not going to do anything to you so drive on big river drive on

pantasaurus sex i hope you go down to that tea cup and find yourself a man who will karaoke your ass tonight and all the way home

a tune from your generation and not iggy like me

and prettier than me and with enough courage to take you places that you deserve

like dennys in the morning, or roscoes or mels

or wherever cool chicks love to dwell.

the pants + the pants on buzznet + valentines day on buzznet

happy valentine’s day, tony

hi, anna, happy valentine’s day to you! but since when do you like valentines day? i remember you saying that all valentines day was was an american greeting card day sham.

it is a greeting card sham, but im starting to appreciate the underlying theme more as i get older.

is that so? whats the underlying theme, you old bag?

the underlying theme is this is the day where we should celebrate love of all sorts, not just romantic/sexual/boyfriend+girlfriend love.

very interesting theory. pardon me for having a hard time believing it is from you. didnt you tell me last year that all valentines day is is for those who dont have any love in their lives to feel a whole bunch shittier about their lives, and for those who do have love in their life to be forced to spend way too much money on overpriced dinners and flowers that are going to die?

i can change my mind.

actually it sounds like youre no longer banging enrique.

im no longer “banging” anyone.

so is that the source of your new way of thinking?

maybe. whatever. leave me alone. you should be happy.

i am happy. i agree with you, by the way. i think that the idea of love should be celebrated at least once a year, if not more. love is a great emotion, a powerful stimulous, and pretty much the meaning of life. since days like Christmas are so bastardized and commercialized into not even meaning what they should mean, it’s nice when theres one day where people can think about all the forms of love in their lives.

i love you, tony.

you do?

yes. of course i do.

where are you tonight?


what are you doing there?

getting my hair done.

what’s the occasion?

valentine’s day, silly.

do you have a date?

i dont know, do i?

anna kournikova, you sly fox.

i flew out here last night after i read that you didnt have a valentine.

flew out from where?

from miami. surprise!

im speechless.

i would have thought that you would be tied up with ashley or chris or clippergirl or someone.

i would have thought that you would be wining and dining with some super famous international studboy.

i am, you.

what do you want to do tonight?

i thought we could get a fire going, order some pizza and think about all the different forms of love there are in the world.

like how i feel about wrigley field, and tivo, and the internet, and free porn and music via peer-to-peer sharing?

i just picked up something at Vic’s that you are going to fall in love with.

more than i love buzznet?

part of it is leather, part of it has pink straps, part of it has zippers, and its all insanely tight.

youre killing me.

when i came out of the dressing room a man saw me and fell right over.

i told my boss i would work late tonight because i didnt think i had any plans.

i dont mind waiting

A Charlie Brown Valentine is on abc at 8pm tonight.

i’ll make sure it’s being Tivoed.

you still have a key to my house?

i keep it very close to my heart.

youre so full of it, anna.

yes i am, but im coming over, so be ready.

shabooty + pitt + smelly + ben loves music

more questions from the readers

ber asks, “comfortable silence or engaging conversation? a soft kiss or a deep kiss? holding hands or long looks across the table?”

perhaps its not obvious from all the blogging that ive done on this page but to me theres no such thing as a comfortable silence. i like communication, i like being engaged, i like the back n forth.

best way for me to be completely turned off by you is to remain silent, to give me the silent treatment, to shut me out, or to shut me down.

so yes the conversation must be engaging even if its a whisper on a silent night in the middle of a forest so still that the trees dont dare fall for fear that if they do they wont exist.

similarily even though eye contact can be extremely sexy i like to hold hands all day all night in every and all situations. theres a scene in the eighties film gregory’s girl where the nerdy kid is laying on his back with the hot soccer babe and theyre looking at the stars and he says that dancing is what keeps you from falling off the earth. i say its holding hands.

soft or deep kisses? theres a time and place for both. i say the longer you know someone the softer your kisses can be. therefore if im kissing a girl for the first time we can start off softly but that shit better get deep quick or im gonna question your motives.

matt welch asks, “What’s wrong with you? Please explain how you can believe in both astrology and the Bible. What, exactly, should we do with the staffbox?”

first off theres lots wrong with me. of all people, you should know that.

secondly i dont believe in astrology. i know it and i study it and i ask everyone their signs and i have an odd knack for remembering peoples signs my leo friend but thats only because i feel like if youre going to disprove something you should know what the hell it is that youre calling bullshit on.

however there are some freaky truths to many of the generalities of astrology. yes some might be psychosomatic or imagined but that doesnt make them false.

likewise i dont think that believing and trusting in the bible is mutually exclusive to believing astrology since the Lord made the heavens on the second day. and i also dont think that its beyond God to give us hints about this thing called life up in the stars for all to see. people like me need all the hints we can get.

for me astology is a way to appreciate peoples differences and give folks a break. it’s not a way to discriminate. for example it doesnt surprise me in the slightest that a leo wouldnt change his blog design for years, however it would surprise me if an air sign kept the design for very long.

also, even though the bible is clear that Jesus is the truth the light and the way, it doesnt say that we should ignore the stars the same way it advises us to stay away from psychics mediums and seers.

what should the LA Times do with its staff box? you should, every now and then, put my name as the current publisher and see if anyone notices. if no one says peep you should fuck staff box and stick a cartoon there, hopefully an offensive one that would amuse jim treacher.

Wes asks, ” Hi Tony, If you could add one more piece of advice to your list of “How to Blog” that you haven’t already mentioned, what would it be??”

wes this is a very good question. its good because ive now thought about this for a few days. i know sometimes i come across as conceited. sometimes its intentional, but deep down i have very low self esteem and need to be reassured constantly, which is why i like open lines of communication and holding hands.

with that said, one of the beauties of the post how to blog is how complete it is. if anything i would expand on the theories, if i had to do it all over again, but i only had 15 minutes during my break to write that thing so i had to bust it out quickly. and in truth i think it took 20 minutes. maybe 22. but i had to knock it out very fast. and when i was done i was done and people can disagree with things but i dont recall anyone ever wanting me to add anything.

nk asks, “Do you think that some people are genuinely evil?”

perhaps ive been blessed to only meet pretty-nice people. ive met some assholes but im not so sure i would call them genuinely evil. the other day i did a search of sex offenders in my neighborhood. i did it because a blog linked to it. there were four within two blocks of my house. i clicked each one to see what they had done and most had molested children under the age of 14 and i hated these men. but something inside me rationalized that either they had something mentally fucked up in them or a horrible childhood or something. but i never thought that they were evil inside or that they decided one day, “im going to do something truely evil.”

i think some people are very scared of certain things and react to life overly-defensive, but i dont think they go out of their way to fuck shit up.

however now that i think about it, yes i think child molesters and murderers and rapists are genuinely evil because at some point you are at a place of choice and these people know that what theyre doing is wrong and is about to shatter a life and the lives of the people who love them, so yes those people are truly evil and selfish and are very different from the rest of us.

Michael asks, “My current girlfriend in a moment of sleepiness (she really was tired) called me her ex-boyfriend’s name. All the facts: 1) I believe she does love me 2) we recently had a nasty fight that lasted a few days (we made up a day before the name slip) 3) she broke up with her ex about 18 mos ago after a two year relationship and to my knowledge (lets say she’s telling the truth) has not had any contact with him for a long time – lets say over 6 mos.

The question: How mad/upset should I be by the name slip?”

the job of the man is not only to woo the woman but to keep her wooed. therefore it is your responsibility to keep her focused on calling out your name.

you can do this by fucking her better than her ex, and dirtier, and more sexy. destinys child has that song say my name. when you bring it sneer and demand that she says yr name. smile so she knows youre not psycho but repeat the instruction. flip her over and say mario never did this to you did he baby. and if she moans and says no you say no who. and withhold until she says no michael he never fucked me like this.

then buy a trucker hat and have your name airbrushed on it.

what on earth have i done to deserve this