today is the birthday of two of my favorite entertainers

hi mariah mariahs left nipple and mariahs right nipple.


no really today is mariah careys birthday and i dont know how old she is and i dont care, all i know is ive loved her since i first heard her voice and i really loved her when i saw her.

over the years we’ve had our ups n downs. first she married not just a white guy, but a white record exec. then she did the unspeakable – started hanging around puff daddy.


through it all i stayed by her side. i did the same with anna when she started dating that boybander. what is it with these fine bitches picking the absolute worst men to spread their legs for?

jessica simpson with nick, nicole kidman with tom cruise, xtina with jordan, mariah and her cheesy dudes, anna and her unforgiveable ricky martin?

its almost like they know their pussy is too good for the world so might as well just throw it away cuz really who cares?

time has been good to mariah. sure shes gained a few pounds but havent we all? sure she went through a period of going crazy, but again, who hasnt?

does she wear inappropriate clothing? yes, but why would a red blooded man complain about that? is she a bitch and stuck up and cunty? yes, but thats how i like my divas. is she a few six packs short of a case? again yes but the ho can sing and thats all that i look for in my singing sensations.

mariah can sing, she cant fake giving a shit about your problems, she poses as she walks, she rips off pretty much every r&b and pop-hopper out there, but noone can come close to singing like her for the sole exception of xtina but when it comes from her it sometimes sounds like a white girl trying to be black, which, again, is fine with me cuz that little ho can sing too.

im glad mariah made a huge comeback this year. im glad everyone bought her shit. im glad she tore it up at the grammys and im glad she cost all of her former record labels money because it proved once and for all that record labels dont know shit and they cant even handle the #1 top selling female artist of all time so its no wonder they cant handle up n coming superstars like Tsar.

i heart you mariah and i always will i dont care if you grow to 666 lbs, i dont care if every label drops you, just keep wearing those little dresses and singing your ass off because thats all we pay you for. if we wanted someone with manners we’d hang out with our mamas more.

my other favorite entertainer whose birthday is today is mr quentin tarentino who’s Kill Bill Vol 2 is a classic and made up for him saying the N word in Pulp Fiction but if he ever says that word in my presence i will slap him so hard it’ll unbreak that tucan sam nose of his.

hes my boy and i love him and i cant wait to see what else is up his twisted sleeve.

stoned nerd + zulieka + wild bell

did you know that coachella is only a month away?

it is. because of that im going to be trying to do as many coachella preview deals that i can. and i am asking for your help.

if you know of any cool interviews of bands who are talking about coachella or are playing there who have good interviews or if youve been to coachella and want to share an experience on your blog and you want me to link to it, i will.

im stoked because this is the first year that buzznet is officially a partner in the show and we’ll be there for both days which means we will probably spend three nights in the desert which means i should have some killer pictures for your ass.

anyways get ready for a coachella gangbang of info and pictures and nonsense, bigger and badder than the sxsw coverage because i have a month to spazz out on it.

but first lets talk about the mystery of christina aguilera and jordan bratman. does a man really just have to be a producer to get a chick like xtina? i dont understand it. i wanna understand it but i dont understand it. i dont understand anything.

yesterday i put up the least attractive photo of myself that i could ever make and not only did some of the ladies go woooo but the bros were all, props man. is this the appeal of jordan bratman? the fuglier you look the more the ladies love you and the bros appreciate your courage?

if thats the case im gonna grow a beard and start shopping at the 99 cent store for my apparrel. oh yes they have clothes.

this week in rock is mighty rockin here in LA. tomorrow rancid are doing another one of their acoustic shows at the tiny Echo. this week the strokes are playing at the universal and you can get tickets for $1 on ebay. and this weekend bad religion are playing at the long beach grand prix. i love all those bands but i have no one to see the strokes with. if ashley were here shed go with me but alas shes in vegas.

speaking of old flames, my old gf chris wrote me a note. a card really. from africa. it was like a message from the past. it was sorta eerie. she told me to follow my dreams and follow my heart.

she must know that my heart says to direct porn and assasinate the current administration. figuratively of course as murder would prevent me from ascending into Heaven.

each sunday ive been reading a little bit of the bible and last night’s chapter was that of the Tower of Babel, which is fascinating because the people making the Tower weren’t doing anything wrong, infact what freaked God out was they were totally working as a team and in order to stymie their efforts he confused their language and “scattered” them. it made me think that thats why we still have Mac and Windows.

when i was talking on the phone with the minnesota blogger last night i kept thinking that i was being punk’d. i hope i wasnt but im pretty sure i was. she answered all the secret questions pretty well though. i guess its hard for me to believe that anyone really reads my blog, let alone reads it for years and years. starting when theyre teenaged. i guess in that sense im a lot like jordan bratman, the fugly spot in the universe who gets loved by the hottest chick on tv. it makes no sense but you accept it because it beats being loved by the hottest dudes in gay porn.

ber + xtina and bratman pics + bush was determined to strike in iraq before invasion