id be lying if i said i dont think about luck

for example i need a new couch.

i got my current one when i first moved in to this place. it was sitting on the side of the road. dogs had probably pissed on it for all i know.

bums had probably gotten drunk and made out with lady bums on it.

but that couch has been amazing over time. ive written nice things on it. ive napped with pretty girls on it. in fact some could say that that particular couch is magical. girls sit on it and… miracles are created.

hell, most of my time writing and editing LAist was on it, and that experience led to this.

but its not very comfortable. and it has some rips in it. and it doesnt fold out into a bed for when i have guests. and, like i said, it was found on the side of the road and was only supposed to be a temporary solution 7 years ago.

but man has it provided me with luck.

next is the bed. not the bed, just the mattress. it was actually my true loves back when we lived in frisco. then it was ours when she moved down here, then she took it when we broke up, then she gave it to me when she went off to africa. because she dated this super huge fat dude the springs are f’ed up in the middle of the thing.

the mattress hasnt given me the best luck. maybe its given me bad luck, now that i think of it. but hows a man supposed to decide how much to spend on a mattress? theyve got some for $200, theyve got some for $1200. theyve even got some for $1700. i went to the store the other day and they wanted $25 for a pair of shorts. i was all, theyre half pants. shouldnt they cost half of what pants cost? not the same?

so if im mr half pants cost too much, how do you think i feel about spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on bedding that isnt a waterbed?

i want a waterbed.

my apartment is so old though that if i got one i bet the bed would fall through the floor.

and they refused to put it on tv.

instead they gave us the white sox

as if the american league mattered

as if having to move the cubs game from houston to milwaukee because of a hurricane wouldnt had meant to some poetically minded in tv land that something special was brewing.

i called directv and said this is why i pay $200 a year extra, so i can see the cubs play. meanwhile my tv says that the game is being blacked out in my “area” as if i live somewhere where it should be blacked out.

LA should be ok to see a game between chicago and houston when its being played in wisconsin.

the lady had me restart my receiver. she had me click around to several channels. finally i asked her to restart Her receiver and click to the station it shoulda been on.

she said it wasnt even on hers.

i said, even DirecTv cant see the no hitter in progress right now?

she said, thats right.

i said i hate you.

apparently there were two rallies today in alaska. one was a Welcome Home Sarah event where people chanted “drill baby drill“, and drew about 1,000 people. the other was a “alaska women reject palin” rally which allegedly drew a little more than 1,000.

there are two groups that could change elections. women and the “youth vote”. im not sure Obama can count on the kids because they’ve never swung an election as far as i remember.

therefore it will be interesting to see what happens with the female vote. will those women who didnt vote in the last elections turn out to vote *against* sarah palin and her “no abortions even in the case of rape or incest”? or will women who didnt vote in the last elections turn out to vote for the first female vp?

i think it would be a good idea to keep an eye on the female vote and there you will find the winner of the next election.

i dont remember liking bill mahers show when it was on every day. and i dont like that they rarely have strong guests from the right, but friday they had some funny moments. this segment was the funniest and id never heard of paul begala before, but i gotta say he was pretty good.

however the line that compared the governor of alaska to a monkey, im sorta surprised, hasnt upset the righty bloggers – yet.

maybe they were at friday night mass.

you might find a need to sublet it over the summer. looks like this lovely group of Irish kids had a summer sublet there and were nice enough to put up some vids on YouTube

this ones called American Birthday:

this ones called Niamh impregnating Olieph

this one doesnt have a title but it gives you a great idea of what IV apartments look like, naturally, after being partied in by anyone, Americans or Irish alike

i cant tell you how happy these vids made me, in that nothings changed in the 93117 other than the accents.

exclusive interview with kristin madpony, esquire

me: everything ok in ok?

madpony: guess who passed the bar exam! (yes.. we are so far north, we are fine. it’s drizzling.)

me: yay and yay!!! whoooo hoooo!!!!

madpony: thank you1

me: what sorta law will you wield?

madpony: litigation. civil litigation mostly. a little government stuff and white collar crime

me: nice – how did you learn that you passed the bar? is there an email? a letter?

madpony: they post it online

me: how modern! how did you celebrate?

madpony: i didn’t really. i had a lot of fun the night before.
way too much fun. so i spent the evening in bed. reading a book. feeling lucky. pretty lame i know

madpony thru the years on the busblog:

second time mentioned in 2003 + photo essay interview 2004 + when kristin turned 22 + the first time we met +

: never go on The View. ever.

and if you want to be a reporter paying dues via hurricane reporting

learn how to party with the kids in the bear suit instead of showing us invisible piers

so heres yr answers to Ask Tony, and yes thats a picture of Miss 604 and Keira-Anne with Hanson

Keira-Anne: When I was a child, I secretly hoped that when I grew up and had a child that he or she would be born with Down’s Syndrome because I believed children that were, were more important. Does that make me twisted?

when i was a child i had a crush on a little girl named ilka wagner. i used to secretly hope that she would get hit by a car so i could give her mouth to mouth and bring her back to life which would make her love me for ever. it means that all kids are twisted. and should probably get spanked more out of principle. or maybe they should be babysat by this guy.

Kerry: Sometimes it seems when you read the news, a middle eastern country has a car bomb or terrorist attack daily. Why do you think we haven’t had that here in the USA?

we have better weed and hotter chicks. that demotivates the desire to blow s**t up, generally.

Alys: Last night I couldn’t fall asleep and wound up going through a TON of stuff in my head as I lay there… Do you ever have insominac nights and if so what do you think about?

theres very little in my head. maybe thats why i never have insomniac nights. i also have thousands of blogs to read, dozens of books on my nightstands, and handfuls of cheerleaders tapping on my windowsill. even if i wanted to go to sleep early i doubt i could ever do it. oh and theres all those video games i havent played, and cds i havent burned for my mom, and books i havent written. i hardly sleep at all, but not because im trying to sleep.

ddebil: You, tony? I can’t say. But someone? probably.

i couldnta said it better myself.

JackassJimmy: What will be the end of the democrats campaign journey to the white house?

exaltation, voting machine drama, and then misery and hand wringing. and then they will have no one to blame but themselves because theyve had 8 years to see this coming and they still havent done anything about it. say hello to President Paul.

Ciavarro: Holy crap I’m married. Can you believe it?

on one hand i cant because you should know better. you had a good thing going. you had a nice blog. you had friends. you had a future. but on the other hand danielle is a sweetheart and i can see why you ruined everything for her. i saw your wedding photos on facebook and i was expecting something a little more italian. like a cake made out of meatballs or something. i dont know why. but it was adorable. my best to you and your bella. you must tell me what pizzeria youre registered at.

Tania: Do Americans even notice that we’re in the midst of our own election campaign up here in the Great White North, aka Canada?

wait, you can vote for queen now?

Mike: Dear Tony, Vancouver a safe choice for a new years bash?

it is. and its too safe. which is why i wont be there. (unless matt goods playing)

Bob D: Would there be any situation where you would live in alaska ?

love does weird things to a man. which is why i avoid it. lust does worst things to a man, which is why if even anna kournikova said baby lets move to wasilla and let me help you run for mayor just to be ironic – id probably say yes and do it. but only because she would be qualified to be my first lady since russia is so close to alaska.

timmay!!!!!: did i die a few years ago … and i just don’t realize it yet? (because that’s how this country is making me feel right about now)

when you die, timmmmay, you will go to heaven. is this your idea of paradise? for some reason id think that in your heaven the music on the radio would be better than this.

lily: where were you on sept 11 2001?

i was blogging. in fact i had just started blogging regularly and i hate to say it but if it wasnt for that horrible day i probably wouldnt have this particular blog because two days after 9/11 i made this photo essay and it got me hundreds of thousands of new visitors. that sort of attention is the perfect way to be motivated to keep up yr new hobby.

adriel: why do dumbf##ks keep trying to convince everyone that obama is the antichrist?

because hes black, hes well spoken, and his middle name is ann coulter.

Sharp (aka Azreal Darkskies): f’in dude from Pearl Jam is a Cubs fan. How does that make you feel?

there are lots of cub fans in terrible bands. his just gets more radio play. tom morello is also a cub fan. i try to focus on him and his band more.

Krista: i have major blogger’s block, what should i do?

i cant pretend that i know you very well. or your lifestyle. but generally people get bloggers block because they have things inside them that they want to say but theyre afraid that the people in their real lives would be hurt/embarrassed/pissed off if the blogger wrote what she really wants to say. ask yourself this, if you created a private blog right this second on blogspot, would you really have nothing to say there? something tells me youd have lots to say. the trick of real blogging, though, and not private blogblogging, is to say those things in your existing blog. perhaps through metaphor, symbolism, photo essay, poetry, or something. anything. and do it daily. by the way, every post youve ever made is perfect and beautiful. you should do everything you can to break out of the block and quit listening to the devil in your ear thats whispering the negative things.

ps heres what i wrote about “blogger burnout” several years ago.

top photo of keira-anne and hanson via keira-anne, photo of chad’s “family” via cristina rossi, photo of downtown vancity by duane storey, and photo of krista by oceanaria

the cubs are still in first place, thus its Ask Tony

topics on the table:

would there be any situation where i would choose to have a downs baby
would there be any situation where i would live in alaska
would there be any situation where i would have a fifth child while being governor
would there be any situation where if something happend to the First Dude id make out with a vice president candidate

some times i feel like that fake singer andy kaufman used to play tony clifton, some times i feel like flava flav, but often i feel like george clinton.

i think, i must be from another planet. i must be from another time. things happen around me and to me and at me and i think there just has to be a camera on me, this is clearly an episode of punk’d this is obviously the new candid camera.

but no one jumps out of the ceiling, people dont laugh and applaud and some douche yells cut, people just keep walking or talking or blahblahblahing and i drive home heat up some chinese and stare at the ceiling thinking wtf wtf wtf.

the ceiling cat says why dont you touch yrself and im all didnt you hear me, i said wtf.

thing is, if im gonna accept babes way outta my leauge, and the cubs still in first place despite doing everything they can to blow it, and the bears ruling, and my friends being amazing, and my job being unreal, then i hafta accept the unbelievable bs nonsensical wtfs that find their way in my daily deeds. its only fair.

but still i question it. at 101 years old, do i still not know my environment that well? am i still surprised by the utter randomness that people think and say. surely theyre just trying to get a rise from me. they cant really believe that.

like for example i dont care which “party” wins the presidency, but who are these people who are going to vote for mccain because theyre pissed off that hillary couldnt beat obama? seriously who are they? i say give them their own tv series because theyre unlike any logical person ive ever met, and i wanna see what else they do in life. like when they find out that they hafta wait three months for a hybrid do they say f it and lease a hummer?

i wish i was that unpredictable. i look at myself and i think – most obvious most predictable most boring man alive. just look at me in that picutre above. cubs hat (like you couldnt guess), polo shirt (!), mojito. bor-ring. wheres the punk rock aesthetics. wheres the sense of style. wheres the slap in the face from the babe because of the wandering hands? all there is is what youd imagine there is – dullard and hot babe.

i like that picture because it says so much about me. thats the same shirt i woulda worn in high school. those are the same $5 sun glasses, and thats the same hat. i love rum so thats the drink i woulda had, and because God is wonderful, the girl next to me is 234534 times cooler than i deserve, but such is the path the Lord has always had me on. i dont understand that neither.

whats the point of this post? who knows. life is weird. maybe thats the point. as if you needed me to say it. but just know if youve been feeling it and you sometimes feel alone and disenfranchised, just know that i feel it too. a lot. and heres to hoping that one day our spaceship picks us up and flies us home to where things make perfect sense.